Stages of Grief - All at once?

[TheRealSully]

I seem to be going through all the stages of grief at once. 

All of them except bargaining.

Has that ever happened to anyone?

I feel lots of anger today, but also acceptance and disinterest in the ex. 

[Changed4safety]

Absolutely, that happens.  I lost my Dad about a year ago and I ended up with several at one time.  It's normal to have more than one at once, or to flip back and forth between stages.  It's not cut and dried.  And considering with our BPD partners we've bounced around from idealization to being painted black and back again and everywhere in between, grief stages would, IMHO, also be similarly erratic. 

[TheRealSully]

Whew! 

Everything I read in various books and online described them as a sort of progression. 

I seem to have most of them at one time and flip flop all around between them (except bargaining). 

Thank you for the confirmation.

[Changed4safety]

Happy to help!  I know from grief, sadly, but at least it has rendered me able to help others from time to time.

[seeking balance]

What you feel is common - flowing between the different phases.

For me, anger is easy and tangible as where bargaining is a bit more abstract.  For me, bargaining was happening when I would wonder "is ex really BPD?" or "I don't need to block ex from FB" - those were examples of my bargaining.

It's ok that you feel the stages in a non-linear pattern... .  sometimes life works that way.

Peace,

SB

[trouble11]

Sully ... .  I'm in the same place today.  One minute I'm feeling pretty good and glad I'm healthy and the next minute I'm angry and wanting to fire off an email depicting exactly what kind of a sick ---- I think he really is.  This would be so much easier if I hadn't literally given up everything important to me because of him.   I really think that's the toughest.  I closed my business, left my house, my friends, and my step kids and moved 1300 miles to be with him.  Ended up selling pretty much everything I owned including my airplane.  Was so angry today because at 49 I'll probably never make the kind of money I used to let alone be able to get another plane.  So here I sit ... .  totally alone, unemployed, and in a rental house.  Yeah ... .  I'm angry.

[Changed4safety]

Wow, trouble, we have almost exactly the same story and are the same age.  I am self-employed, but my work has dried up temporarily, so technically I'm unemployed, 1,000 miles away from friends and the place I lived for over 15 years, and in a rental house.  Between wanting to be "nice" to my ex-husband and "nice" to my exBPDbf after the divorce, I'm about 200K poorer.   :'(

[myself]

I talked with my T about this, she also said that yes it's a different process for everyone. There are many common elements but the timing, amounts, combinations, etc. are unique to each of us. Depending on the circumstances and other variables, as well.

[nowwhatz]

I think after the prior recycle I went through all at the same time including bargaining.

Hang in there ! It will get better and you will be much better off.

[TheRealSully]

Trouble:  Ouch... .    especially on that airplane.  (I think they are soo cool!) 

Same story here too.  I'm 1000 miles away from any friends and family I have.  Lost everything, every friend, everything.  I'm trying to save the boat I have been working on for 3 years (full time) for her, but since she took some of the money that was supposed to go to that, it is very challenging.  The boat is my career, so it is twice as challenging. 

I am trying to raise $30K to get it into basic condition for chartering, so I can work at my normal career. 

All destroyed by the BPD ex wife. 

They sure know how to derail things, don't they?

[benny2]

yep as the story goes. Left my home, basically my family, to be with this man of my dreams. Living in a rental now at age 55. What a fool I am, and my friends and family think I'm crazy because I can't get over him. No one understands apparently unless they have lived it. The worst part is, I'm sitting here with nothing and no one, crying  my eyes out and hes laughing, and happy and recycling his ex.

[waitaminute]

Trouble and Changed,

Ha! isn't it sad to find such common ground? I had a beautiful house overlooking a valley... .  and a wife that planted gardens and made it a home.

Now, alone, I rent a room. Technically I'm employed but the events have totally taken my ability to focus and that will take its toll if I can't pull it together soon. Not sure what all to include in the material losses. Glad my wife ( now ex-wife because of my emotional and financial committment to the BPD) will have some money from my pension and 401K. But it's a loss. And 99% of my material belongings were given away or sold at a loss. Net loss because of BPD ... .  probably close to your figure, ChangedFS. Older than both of you, I have accepted that my financial recovery just won't happen. So instead of that emphasis, I aim to update my education to better ensure my employability.

In the context of the OP's topic, I have felt the anger. But moving on through the phases and into acceptance is more my natural inclination.  

[trouble11]

Thank you so much guys.  I think that's the toughest part for a lot of us.  What we sacrificed.  I can forgive this sick man. I can see it as an illness, that nothing he ever did was malicious, and he REALLY couldn't help himself.  My problem is forgiving me.  My son sent me a text the other day about the best times in his life.  He talked about when we used to go camping and quad riding in the dunes.  I balled my eyes out ... .  because of what I did those happy times will likely never happen again. No more toy hauler ... .  no more quads.  I know there are lots of ways to have fun and we can still tent camp and hike, but it's really not the same.   

And yeah ... .  my friends also think I'm crazy and even the best ones can't comprehend what made me do this.  To add insult to injury ... .  I can't even leave here.  I owe my landlord too much money and put a dog grooming shop in the basement since I was unable to get a job outside the house.

[trouble11]

During one my my exBPDbf recycle phases he came to see me while he was living with another woman and told me the only reason he was with her was because she had a great job and a nice house with a pool.  I thought I'd fall off the couch ... .  considering I gave up a GREAT job and a nice house with a pool to be with him.  AUGH  I wanted to scream! The things BPDs say.  Mind blowing.        

[benny2]

oh yeah, my ex admitted he married his last wife for money and i believe hes recycling her now. Crazy!

[nolisan]

Grieving ... .  good subject.

I am embarrassed to admit that detaching from exBPD is more painful than losing my Mom who truly loved me and would never hurt me. Yikes ... .  that's sick! ... .  but is shows the strength of the trauma bonds.

After reading some of these posts I feel fortunate that I am only about $10K in the hole and still have a roof over my head after a whirlwind year with a BPD witch.

She was really good at playing my rescuing traits.  When I recognized that a slowed down she moved into devaluation phase.

[almost789]

Susan Anderson, author of The Journey From Abandonement To Healing describes going through the stages at times like a tornado in that yes you can spin all 5 of the stages at times. There is no orrder or timeframe. Some people move through to acceptance quicky and some dont.

[TheRealSully]

This is crazy, but I seem to be done already.  When I am reminded of my ex BPD, I am filled with distaste now.  She makes me feel sick to think about her.  She disgusts me.  Her actions disgust me.  I am feeling like she is a disgusting person all around for everything that's transpired and for what she has transformed herself into, physically, with new tattoos, see through skin, boobs out shirts around town, stupid purple dye in her dark brown hair, etc... .  

I am seeing way WAY more attractive women out and about (was out on South Beach Miami last night) and they are wanting to talk to me. So... .   I am just wondering why I was so stupid/needy to have stuck it out all these years with my ex wife.  She was nice inside somewhere, but for the most part, she really wasn't all that.  

(I am venting a bit here... .  )

So these stages are going by very quickly for me.  Writing that letter to her new dude made me realize she was a train wreck and it was a good thing I am free of her now.  She held me back in life a lot.  Then, there are all the other women out and about in FL who are being very *very* forward and flirty with me.  I'm getting plenty of attention from plenty of other women who I am just meeting randomly out in public.  Tons of flirting from them.  (Though I'm not ready for any type of sexual thing yet)  So, between the letter and all the attention, it's pretty easy to forget about the ex... .  and literally get angry at the thought of her and how I wasted all those years helping her, sacrificing and sacrificing so she could feel good/sane/happy.  I could have been with someone decent and never had to do any of that!  

But for some reason, all my love is quickly turning into hate.  I feel like I am following a more female path, where they often tend to move on more quickly than men do after breakups.  Odd.

[myself]

RealSully, good to read you feel you're making progress. You are. At least you're not as stuck as you were once were. Detaching and grieving can take many twists and turns, though, so what you're going through today may be different again tomorrow, or next week, next month... .  Each day can get better, when you continue moving forward, and I hope this really is a breakthrough for you. I just know, from my own life and from reading other people's stories here, that these things come in waves. True deep change does not often occur overnight. Plus: The attention you are getting from other women now sounds great. Be careful to not just jump into something with someone else who has too many 'problems', being sure to not carry too many of your own into it as well.

[TheRealSully]

Thank you, myself.  You are correct.

Woke up out of sleep just now feeling hurt and sad.

Hopefully, the anger stage will come back after breakfast. 

[waitaminute]

Sounds like you could "encounter" another woman soon.  Do you have all the red flags memorized?

I'm thinking that those of us who are PD magnets need to prepare like boy scouts going onto the woods. Would you know the difference between sassafras and poison ivy? Will these berries nourish or kill? How do I stay dry in the rain? Or is this a monsoon?

[TheRealSully]

What is the old saying?  "leaves of 3, let it be; leaves of 4, eat some more?"


I'm actually nowhere near ready for a relationship or even sex with anyone at this point.  Just the feeling that there are other girl out there and yes, even ones more attractive than my BPD ex, is good for helping get over her.