I have a question once you figure them out

[freshlySane]

when she use to rage on me or belittle me or with her distorted logic had me believe i was always wrong i told her who the hell want to be with her my best friend told me i was figuring her out and she created her exit plan is this her way of protecting herself and am i always going to be seen as the enemy because i was figuring her our during the r/s

[almost789]

Seeing her flaws and calling her out on them does usually result in them splitting you and running off. As far as if shes always going to see you as the enemy is pretty variable, they are all different. Some get painted black permanently and sometimes they alternate from splitting you black to painting you back white again.

[freshlySane]

i think i am permanent last encounter with her i got arrested because she punch me repeatedly i defended myself i didn't hit her punch her or anything like that she tried to go in my pocket to take my wallet because   i had the bus card she bought me and she wanted it back i tried to get her off me to no avail then i push her off me yes i know its horrible but when someones holding your collar hitting you and not letting you walk away like you were doing before you react she got hurt and i got arrested so i think i am painted black forever

[freshlySane]

she is defently gone forever

[j4c]

I think this played a big part at the end of the r/s with my exuBPDgf. She knew i wasn't going to tolerate her BS or be as easy to control as she originally thought. She also knew i thought she needed therapy or counselling and everytime i mentioned it i was treated endless abuse! 

[freshlySane]

I think this played a big part at the end of the r/s with my exuBPDgf. She knew i wasn't going to tolerate her BS or be as easy to control as she originally thought. She also knew i thought she needed therapy or counselling and everytime i mentioned it i was treated endless abuse! 

what happened after that did she paint you completely black or did she try to re engage you how do you deal with all of this

[GustheDog]

Funny - I was told I had scores of psychological issues that I needed to seek professional help to address.  I was deep in the fog, too, so my endless guilt and I started seeing a T.  After a while I told my ex that T doesn't really think I have all these disorders that you've labeled me with - perhaps couples' counseling is a better approach for us.

It was over within a month or two (not exclusively due to this, but not merely coincidental either, I don't think).

[freshlySane]

its a weird phenomenon she absoulotly hates me and her life is finally good so in her eyes i was the problem all along.  I cant grasp being painted black forever why because i was figuring her out and she wanted to stay in the rabbit hole ( she loves alice in wonderland I wonder why) i just wanted her to stop huritng me and get help i ran to Therapy when she gave me the ultimatum i guess she felt if i changed shed be happy with us/

[GustheDog]

i guess she felt if i changed shed be happy with us/

She can't acknowledge that her own bad feelings originate within herself.  You kept them at bay for a while, but eventually they started to return.  This must be your fault.

When I told my ex that T didn't think she was right about her accusations, this raised the specter of her being flawed in some way.  She couldn't handle this, and she ran away.

I don't think that if you changed it would have made a difference.  She wants to believe that.  But you don't negotiate with the disorder.  There is only one possible outcome - the one we all got.

[freshlySane]

i guess she felt if i changed shed be happy with us/

She can't acknowledge that her own bad feelings originate within herself.  You kept them at bay for a while, but eventually they started to return.  This must be your fault.

When I told my ex that T didn't think she was right about her accusations, this raised the specter of her being flawed in some way.  She couldn't handle this, and she ran away.

I don't think that if you changed it would have made a difference.  She wants to believe that.  But you don't negotiate with the disorder.  There is only one possible outcome - the one we all got.

your so right and that's what hurts so much she saw it as me being abusive you told me i was emotionally abusive to her

when she fit all the signs of emotional abuse

when i was coming form a place of hurt and sadness and wanted her to seek help but she lashed out and began to make her exit plan.

[Changed4safety]

When my BPD was raging at me, he told me two very important truths. 

1.  I pointed out that I was trying to find a compromise, something we would both be happy with, and that I felt attacked because he didn't fight to solve the problem, he fought to win.  "You bet I do," he snarled.  "I've had to deal with so muh ~ in my life, and people trying to keep me down, yeah, I'm going to win."

2. "You are my significant other, therefore you are my enemy."

[freshlySane]

When my BPD was raging at me, he told me two very important truths. 

1.  I pointed out that I was trying to find a compromise, something we would both be happy with, and that I felt attacked because he didn't fight to solve the problem, he fought to win.  "You bet I do," he snarled.  "I've had to deal with so muh ~ in my life, and people trying to keep me down, yeah, I'm going to win."

2. "You are my significant other, therefore you are my enemy."

can a relationship heal them how come some respond well to being told they have a problem and some run can someone make there symptoms go away with time or they have to do the heavy lifting

[Changed4safety]

I have been told that SOME, SOMETIMES, grow out of it around 35-40.  They finally become self-aware enough to see that they are the common denominator in all their tragedies and relationships.

I have also been told that SOME, SOMETIMES, can manage their issues (notice not "cured" with years of training with an expert in DBT.  They have to really want to do this, though.  Both those situations MUST come from them, a relationship won't change them. 

If love could have changed someone, I'd have changed him.  To an extent I think I did, I think he's better, but I am an empty husk who can still see that there will always be problems. 

Maybe in about 5 years, if gets DBT therapy and I can confirm this with his therapist, there might be a chance for us.  I hope by they I'll be ensconced in a relationship with a cute guy who has a job, keeps his temper, and loves me in a healthy way. 

I think the odds are though that my ex will continue to blame his bipolar, and insist that he can't help it, and he's a victim, and he's not strong, and he needs a caretaker, and keep doing what he's been doing.  Because he sure left better after me in all respects than when he met me (phyiscally, emotionally, financially).  So it's working for him. 

[seeking balance]

when she use to rage on me or belittle me or with her distorted logic had me believe i was always wrong i told her who the hell want to be with her my best friend told me i was figuring her out and she created her exit plan is this her way of protecting herself and am i always going to be seen as the enemy because i was figuring her our during the r/s

Let's take a look at how mirroring works in these relationships.  In the beginning, she mirrored you - idealized you and you looked at her with great affection... .  this person gets me.

Over time, you start to see a "different" side to her - she is still mirroring you... .  it is how she gets the cues. 

Now, black/white thinking comes into play.  You are not reflecting the ideal - therefore you must see her as all bad then right?

Keep in mind, she will fluctuate between the two - but many times she had already seen you as the enemy, you just didn't know it.

The disorder is tricky - mirroring, black/white thinking - of course we were confused.

[freshlySane]

Because he sure left better after me in all respects than when he met me (phyiscally, emotionally, financially).  So it's working for him. 

same her she is all those emotional financially happy ans she is doing well is this enough to help them get better and grow out of it or environmental happiness isn't enough

[GustheDog]

can a relationship heal them

"Can a relationship heal them?" is a very different question from "Can they have a healthy relationship after they heal?" 

I would venture to guess that the answer to the second question is, most likely, yes.  But, no, a relationship will never heal them in and of itself.  Intimate relationships are the environment in which the brunt of this disorder is triggered and activated.  Relationships are food for the disorder, not medicine.