Repairing myself from a traumatic childhood

[bella128]

I have been contemplating going NC with my mother and finally decided that's what I need to do. She is starting to cause damage in my relationship with my fiancé and I just can't deal with it. I am finally listening to my body - I know there is something wrong when I can't get out of bed and feel no desire to eat. I can feel the migraine creeping up my neck.  I've made the connection that when I recurve her messages unpick my skin to bleeding and sit in the bath tub with a completely blank mind.  She has taken enough.  I am a happy, friendly person.  I have been positive and content and am currently back in school finishing my degree.  :)epression and anxiety are not going to ruin it for me this time.

I had a conversation where I explained what I was angry with her for and how I have felt. She reacted in anger and denied events having taken place. She blamed myself and others.  After that conversation I needed to hear her at least acknowledge something, anything that she had said to me recently. She couldn't remember and asked me to make a list of things to apologize for.  She has since been harassing me with text messages and emails saying "I'm sorry for being a good mother" and "I'm sorry for being born".  She started insulting and harassing my fiancé also.

I just can't do it.  I have so many great things in my life I am looking forward to and wonderful people I am surrounded by.  I am not going to let her destroy me.  My fiancé does not need to be saved from me, and my future children don't need to hear "the truth" about me.  I now realize she is never going to be the mother I wish she would be.  She is not going to change.  She can't even acknowledge me being a person separate from her with feelings.

What I do need is help moving forward, healing and repairing the damage.  I will not become like her and it would kill me to hurt my children like she hurts me.  I do not want to pass on bad habits.  Can anyone recommend resources or share stories to do with removing one's mother from their life and creating a positive, healthy home for our family?

[WrongWoman]

((hugs))

I have been in N/C or L/C (N/C for now and the foreseeable future) for more than two decades.  It was one of the most difficult decisions I ever made, but it was the right one for me, my husband, and our children.  I made the decision as I was about to deliver our first child, who will be 23 soon.  I credit that experience (having a baby) with giving me the motivation to do it, as I could not possibly imagine raising a child around her or even one that would know her or be exposed to her.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope this decision will allow you to find peace.  You deserve peace.

[charred]

I have been N/C with my father for 13 yrs now... and it was the right move... very hard to do.  You don't choose your parents, and as a kid you don't have any choice but to be with them. I put up with my malignant NPD father for 37 yrs... and when I finally had my own child on the way, instead of being happy to have a grandkid coming, he did his best to cause my wife a miscarriage, when it became obvious that was what he was doing... I asked him what the hell he was doing... and he said he didn't want to be a grandfather... the gals he was picking up would think he was old if he had a grandkid. There were thousands of other things he did over the years to justify N/C... .  but that one finally did it for me. He hasn't seen his granddaughter in person ever. His loss.

For a long time my sister still had contact with him... when my grandmother passed away (largely his fault... he had medical power of attorney... he got her drugged up, evaluated... then moved to a hospice, our injunction came to late to save her,) my sister quit having anything to do with him.

Some people are unhappy, rotten even ... .  down to the core, and some are best out of your life.

I miss what could have been, but when I really remember the times we had together... I know I made the right decision.

Its a tough one, you have to do what is right for you.

[Diligence]

Hi, bella128.

My healing has gained more traction since establishing LC with my BPDM.  I gave her a check-in call over the weekend.  I ended up skidding into depression after talking with her.  Next time I contact her, I will have self-care strategies ready to help me bounce back from the interaction.

Your mother's comment that she regrets being such a "good mother" sure sounds like the flippancy of a BPDM.  A pastor recently commented that a deliberate attempt to hurt another is certainly not motivated by love.  Establishing no contact with your mom is a safe way to protect yourself from her intended injuries.

Do you have relationships with any mature, caring women who could provide some of the nuturing encouragement that a mother is supposed to provide?  Maybe they could offer you wonderful support during this exciting chapter of your life.

Warm regards,

Diligence

[eureka2013]

Hi Bella, I have tried to be NC with my mother for over a year and a half. I realized that I was never going to make her understand how much she has hurt and damaged me because she will never take responsibility for her actions. She denies waht she has done or rewrites history. Gaslighting is her specialty! Every once in a while I will get a text message or voicemail from her. The only one I answered was her asking if we were ok during Hurricane Sandy. (I felt too guilty not answering that one - guilt is a HUGE problem for me, as is caretaking.) I am not going to say that it has been easy going NC - it has actually been the hardest thing I have ever done. I had a baby and she has not ever met her (and nor will she if things don't change). My other two children wonder why they don't see her anymore and that's a really tough one. I will never understand why she has been willing to lose her grandchildren - she has that much pride. (I accept that she doesn't give a crap about losing me.)

The mother-child relationship is such a profound, primal thing that it is hard to let go. It goes against the natural order to have to go NC with a parent, but I do not regret it. I still think about her and the situation (obviously, since I have joined this message board!) and I am trying to figure things out. If she ever decided to get help I would slowly let her back into my life and give her a chance, but my bottom line is that she needs to get help (and stop harassing my father!) before I can have contact with her. I know that this is a wrenching decision for you to have to make. I hope that you are able to figure it all out. I can tell you that I have not passed on the destructive behaviors to my children. It is such a relief to know that I am not like her. (Just an example, I never speak one ill word about my ex to my older two children and do everything i can to facilitate them getting to see him. This is in stark contrast to my mother, who continues to speak ill of my father to this day - 15 years after their divorce! These patterns can be broken!)

[DogDancer]

Bella hi,

I saw that you posted again. I wanted to say that between the time when I left the house at 19 out of desperation to get away from my BPD mother -- and I did *not* come from an 18-and-you're-out family but an upper-middle class family where such a departure was shocking -- and when she died after her terminal lung cancer when I was 28, I went from NC for almost a year to LC for the remainder of her life.

I understood far less then, but nearly NC was the *right* move for me, and I am so glad these many years later that I instinctively knew that. You are completely justified and deserve 100% support in choosing your survival, health and, yes, ability to *thrive* over her dysfunction. YOU are not being disloyal in your choices. You are weighing the options given the *reality* of her refusal to seek health, and you are choosing yourself. ALWAYS choose you first -- we are not talking about the selfish sort of "me first." We're talking survival and ability to live and thrive. Love yourself, give yourself permission to feel bad/sad/mad and then to heal. Most of all, keep choosing you. Bravo, young lady, bravo! You are an inspiration to all who are dealing with this, regardless of their age.

Continuing healing and peace to all,

DogDancer