That didn't go as planed

[Elismom]

First phone call from him did not go how I wanted. Not surprised about but forever hopeful that there is a light at the end of this current melt down.

It seem no matter what I say or what I do it's going to be wrong.  So now I seem to agree to what ever will stop the verbal assault. This time it was me telling him I was going back to therapy. I have battled depression for years and feel that I'm just not coping well.  On top of that I have OCD, there's lots of initials in my house.  The BPD behaviors that I have deal with trigger me to do more rituals.

He doesn't seem to understand. I think he is perceiving this as a way to get him to go to therapy. As much as I would like that he has always refused.  I can't fix him but I can make me better.  I need to be better my son deserves to have at least one of us well.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CodependentHusband]

You know... .  I can see why this is tough. You want him to encourage you, or at least accept your decision. As long as there is no truth to his feeling that you are trying to manipulate him into going, then your conscience is clean and you don't need his approval to go.

On a related note, I have decided that a face-to-face support group might be a good idea for me, so, I found a local CoDa meeting that I plan on attending starting next week. That's not in leau of posting and reading here, of course, but I thought it might help me. Since I know my wife will be nervous about me being a little later than usual one night a week, I told her yesterday that I was going to start going... .  I told her that I didn't like those days when I feel down and needy. Was kind of hard for her to argue with that, I think.  Also told her the name of the group and why I thought it might help me. Her first response was, "what have I done? I'm not doing something right." I assured her that this is 100% about me and how I cope. Her next reply was, "Well, I think you need to go to see a professional" (she's a big proponent of me getting some meds, which I don't think I need). I told her that the group is facilitated by a professional therapist and I would get the therapist's opinion after a few sessions. Now, the conversation went as well as it could. She didn't get dysregulated, cast blame, or anything like that. She expressed some fear, which I think might be that she is afraid that people in a support group will tell me to leave her, which, let's face it, they might, but that doesn't mean that I will. My family and friends have been telling me that for over 2 years now, so a few strangers won't sway me. Anyway, we will see what happens. I expect her to try to interfere with my going to these meetings, even though she seemed supportive. Maybe I will be surprised.

Long story short, all I can suggest is that you tell him that it is for YOU, and you alone. If it makes you a better person, he may benefit too.

Good luck with this! I went to therapy for a few months and it really helped me!

[briefcase]

Yeah, some of these issues just require a strong will and some determination.  You have every right to go to therapy.  He has a right to his feelings and opinions about it too.  Just don't let his feelings and opinions deter you.  You can validate his feelings, or use SET to tell him why you are going.  But, in the end just do what you need to do.   

[crazymade]

Elismom, how do you cope? I also have depression and OCD with a BPD SO. are you a nervous wreck? what are your OCD behaviors, if I may ask? in relation to my husbands BPD, i find myself constantly checking to make sure i have taken care of trigger things for my husband.  How does  your husband regard your rituals? I've tried explaining to mine that I have to check to make sure of 'X' so he doesn't get mad. sometimes he'll get irritated at the checking itself. My husband asks me what i think about, and my answer and the truth is i'm constantly trying to remember to take care of his trigger things. sometimes i find that in all the thoughts of trying to not trigger him, i lose myself. i'm so obsessed with making sure i've done what he wants or things are the way he wants that i don't really know what 'I' want to do, and that i've lost myself.

You are not alone.  Do the best you can, and come to this forum and vent, and look at the tools on the right. learning not to JADE and learning to SET has helped me immensely. and get thee to therapy.