Keeping in touch with exbfs on the sly

[Omniverse]

Is anyone in the same boat as me with regards to this being a 'typical' BPD associated behaviour? My uBPDw, during the course of our marriage unbeknownst to me always maintained contact with her exbfs or people she had flings with in the past, either via FB or BBM.

Every-time I questioned the intentions of 'these male friends' of her, I was told that I was being too insecure, and I should be trusting of her. She never made it known that there were her exbfs. She would also cook up some weird stories that she recently met these men at her workplace and decided to add them to her social network - when in reality she knew them from years along.

Most often than not, with these men always surrounding her in the virtual world, I got the sense that I was being discussed with them, especially when we had arguments or things weren't peachy in our marital home.

I understand that in a healthy marriage, there should be no cover ups or let alone emotional infidelity/affairs - but is this behaviour belonging in the BPD world?

Thanks,

O

[nedm]

I had exactly the same the same issue with my ex girlfriend.

We've recently separated after nearly 3 years of hell and I went through her fb messages as she had borrowed my laptop and left it logged in.

I found she had contacted past boyfriends and men she'd had flings with as soon as we split and going back further she'd messaged ex boyfriends just to chat to them about all kinds of things! one message was even that she'd dreamt about him and this was just after we'd had a baby, she was supposedly maddly in love with me and constantly hassling me to marry her!

She was also always jealous and angry if we ever saw one of my ex girlfriends and we had many fights because she would lose control if my ex was at the same party/wedding etc!

I was devastated when I found out the truth about her and her actions!

[GustheDog]

Absolutely.  I was literally just talking about this exact issue with someone else.  And my ex's responses if I questioned this behavior were the same - just me being a controlling ___hole again.

It doesn't make it right, but if being alone makes you feel like you're going to die and you're convinced that everyone will eventually abandon you, I guess you do what you have to do to make sure you'll never be alone.  For BPDs, that means lining up their next host (or a pool of candidates) is as natural to them as thinking about dinner before you've even had lunch is for us.

Pretty sick.

[Changed4safety]

My ex had scads of online cybersex with women he met thruogh the same online game that we met through.  He told me that his ex had given him PTSD (long story) and he was hyper about his privacy online.  I trusted him more than I trusted the sun would rise in the morning so OF COURSE, being supportive, I never checked.  When by pure accident I stumbled across them (he had them up on his computer, hadn't closed the window) he came up with some story that he "blocked out" all these incidents.  He didn't remember doing them, he was so traumatized by what this woman had done to him. 

This went on for years, because I was a mess myself and there was a situation where if I kicked him out, he had nowhere to go and would lose his schooling opportunity... .  It was horrible.  At one point his phone died, I got him another, and when I lost my phone I temporary used his old one (it had gotten water on it and was working again) and I found all kinds of explicit saved messages from someone who was "just a friend".  This was someone he knew in real life and they had graphic cybersex complete with pictures of each other.  He would go into the bathroom and tell me "I really need to unwind, don't interrupt me unless it's an emergency"  and I would say "Poor thing, would you like some tea while you are in there relaxing?   

I had had a bad feeling about her and got treated to a raging, broken hearted crying abuot how "I'm trying so hard to make you trust me and you won't!"

EVEN THEN I went back for another year, he opened up his email to me and man... .  horror after horror.  By the time all was said and done, there were about 20 women (including one he was engaged to) in the time we were dating or trying to disentangle. 

Disgusting.  I do believe that angle stopped in the last year while we were together, but revisiting this reminds me of why I need to stay away.  Because I would always wonder when he get up in the middle of the night because he can't sleep if he's going off to cybersex. 

I really wonder if I'll  be able to move past that mistrust with someone else.