Now I wait...

[Fultus]

It was before Thanksgiving when I realized I needed a divorce.  I stayed in the house through the new year so that our daughter could experience one more "normal" Christmas.  Here I am at the end of January and I'm still in the house with my uBPDw.  Not for much longer though.  I'll be making an offer on a house of my own this weekend and W closes the refinance of our house into just her name in mid-February. 

A lot of the delay has been negotiating an uncontested split with W.  There were times where I didn't think it would be possible, but we reached an agreement (that favored her financially, but this was never about money).  I have delivered the papers to the lawyer and paid him (another hold up), so now I wait to sign the papers and for them to be filed with the court.  After that, more waiting -- another 3 months before the divorce is final. 

It still feels very precarious, like it could fall apart at the drop of a hat.  W could refute everything we agreed on.  The court could demand some ridiculous child support or alimony (she makes slightly more money and we will share custody, but she is a woman so... .  ) 

I think it will feel real once we tell our daughter.  It will happen soon, maybe this week.  We didn't want to tell her too early and have her wonder why Daddy isn't moving out yet.  This will be the hardest thing I've ever done.  And I really don't trust my stbxw to be helpful through that process.  Only one way to be sure.

It is happening.  I am leaving.  It's been a lot slower than I hoped, but I'll keep slogging along and I'll eventually make it out. 

[Matt]

So when do you expect to move out?

How old is your daughter?

Signing the papers - can you have her sign them first, so she won't wait til you sign them, and then ask for changes?

What will be consequences to her if she refuses to sign them?  What would be your next steps?

About telling your daughter... .  

Mine were 8, 10, 17 and 29.  We got some advice from our marriage counselor about how to tell them, and the advice surprised me.

First, she said to tell each child separately, so each could process it in their own way, and ask their own questions.  She suggested starting with the oldest.

Also, she said - with my wife sitting there - that I should do this.  I think that was probably because she knew I would do it well, based on her advice, and wouldn't turn it into a Dad-vs.-Mom thing.

It went OK, but the kids all "acted out" in different ways over the next few days.  They all had to process it.  Within a couple weeks they were all mostly OK, and within several months I think they all accepted it pretty well.

[OTH]

Good luck. You sound very determined. Let us know how you are donig.

[Fultus]

Hi Matt,

We've talked before about how you told your kids.  (My other thread was "Being Proactive", but it became unwieldy and I was addressing different issues, so I started a new one.  I hope that isn't breaking any rules... .  )  

I don't see my W going for me telling our daughter.  She's 6 and has already been acting out, especially when her mother and I are both around.  She behaves better for either alone than for both together.  I'm sure that will get worse before it gets better.  But I can handle a couple weeks of acting out.  What I don't want is for her to start recovering and then regress again when I move out.  

The move-out will be asap, but since I'm looking to buy a house, we're talking at least a month, likely more if the current owners need to buy and move into a new place first.  If it takes too long, I'll go into a short-term apartment for the interim, but I don't want that.  

I'll try to get her to sign before I do.  She'll likely have her own lawyer review it and suggest changes.  

Speaking of signing papers... .  She just now texted me saying "When am I going to see some papers so I can sign them."  *sigh*  How is it possible that she can make me feel guilty for leaving her and feel like she hates me all a the same time?  

[Jai Yen]

I'm in a similar situation right now too. I total my D17 and S16 recently. My D17 was relieved. The conflict has been much harder on D17 (as far as I can tell) than on my S16. I know they process things differently but it seems to be the case. My S16 feels a bit sorry for his mother but understand's my need to move on. I try my best to validate their feelings. I know this will be an ongoing process. My stbx isn't living with us so it's much easier to process w/o her here. I too can't wait to get this all behind me. It's gone on too long. Good luck to you.

[Matt]

Sorry, I sometimes repeat my self in my old repeat myself in my old age.

Starting a new thread is good - usually the moderators limit each one to 4 pages so they don't get to unwieldy anyway.

Is there any chance you could take your daughter to a counselor - not just once but ongoing - to help her learn tools for coping with the stresses she'll be under?

And/or, the counselor can advise you about this stuff.

I wouldn't necessarily ask the permission of the other party to do what is best for the child.

[Fultus]

stbxw basically refused to discuss telling D6 about the divorce.  I tried to start a discussion about it -- basically getting us on the same page for what we would and would not say -- and she repeatedly shut me down with aggressive, one-word responses.  She headed to bed and I told her how important it was that we discuss it.  She accused me of deliberately targeting her as she heads to bed. 

She has been avoiding this for a long time.  I told her we will talk about it tomorrow after D6 is in bed.  I don't think it will go well.  But then, us working together hasn't been good for a few years, especially when we need to compromise and plan ahead.

I found out that the first draft of the divorce documents are ready.  I'll get a copy tomorrow.  Not sure if I need to show stbxw when I get them.  It is an uncontested divorce so the lawyer technically represents both of us.  Still, I'm not sure.  I'll ask advice at the law office.  When the draft is ready, she'll be served with a copy. 

In largely unrelated news, I had a very disturbing dream last night.  I dreamed that my W divulged multiple infidelities to me, even bragged about what a catch one of the guys was.  In the real world, I have nothing more than some disturbing suspicions and (at least) one emotional affair to inspire this dream.  I'm not sure what my subconscious is trying to tell me.  Nothing good, I'm sure.  The dream had me off-kilter all day, hard to focus. 

I have a big weekend ahead: reviewing documents, my parents coming up to help me finalize a house pick, I plan to make an offer on a house, we'll probably end up telling D6 or at least discussing it tomorrow night... .    Come Monday, I'll be 50% closer to escaping this hell.  That is as terrifying as it is awesome. 

[Matt]

Focus on what is meaningful and important to your daughter, which is probably not "divorce" - the legal stuff - it's probably that you will be living in a different house, and that she will spend some time in each house.

Decide the best way and time to tell her, and then tell her.

It was a good idea to work it out together with your wife, but it didn't work.  Continuing to include her in the process will probably make things worse.

This will play out many times in the future.  It's reasonable to want to "co-parent", but that may not be what works.  You'll probably learn to just "parent".

[tog]

I was going to say the same: just tell your daughter. You don't have to wait for your W's permission, you asked her to be involved but she won't, and telling her together probably won't help anyway. I'd wait until you guys have plans to move out or whatever, or it will just drag out the pain for a 6-year-old, whose concept of time is limited. You don't want to be saying, "In 30 sleeps, Daddy and Mommy will be moving into different houses". Do it when it will be happening in the next couple of days and you have a clear plan for custody time, etc.

Be prepared that this will likely get worse. I doubt this is "real" to your wife, either. My guess is that her acting out, rage, and trying to get D on her "side" will escalate exponentially.

In my SO's case, when they were separated, she hoped to reunite (in her defense, he fed these fantasies). Even though they lived apart, in her mind they were still a family and this was all temporary, so they got along well and co-parented. When he got serious with me and filed for divorce, it all went straight to hell and has been there since... .  so expect it to get worse.

[Fultus]

Did you hear that?  That was the sound of $#!+ hitting the fan.

The appraisal on our current house came in today... .  about 5 grand under its last appraisal.  So now my stbxw expects to pay me $4000 less than we previously agreed upon.  For those tracking the math, that's a $5000 equity deficit that she expects me to eat $4000 of.  That's 80% of the loss.  I was already accepting about 40% of the equity as it was.

Of course I'm a selfish $$ for insisting my number stay the same (which would be lie 42% of the equity).  I have bent over backward to make this divorce as easy on her as possible; now I'm scum because I won't bend more.  If that's not a metaphor for the last 14 years of my life... .  

I am standing firm at my already low number.  All she has to do is accept that she will have to pay mortgage insurance.  Hell, I'll have to pay it when I buy a house.  She could afford the difference if she would trade in her ridiculous car for something affordable -- she'd at least break even on the trade and could get payments for half as much.  Or she could borrow it from her parents who probably wouldn't make her pay it back anyway. 

I expected to make an offer on a house tomorr-- [checks watch] --today.  I guess not.  She claims she'd rather have a contested divorce than give me the difference.  Nevermind that just the legal fees would run more than he difference.  Nevermind that a contested divorce would likely award me 50% of the equity and property (which I am also only getting 40% of in our original agreement). 

I'm tempted to go to a mediator, but I can't imagine it helping.  Why should she compromise, I'm the one who gave up.  It's not about the money for her or any of it -- it's about squeezing me until I cry uncle.  I've seized too much control in our relationship and she's grabbing it back. 

I made a stand tonight and I don't intend to alter it.  Don't get me wrong, I can give a little more (not that much more) on the equity if I get a little more somewhere else.  Yet she's already squeezed pretty tight on our physical property and we don't have much in the bank.  That leaves retirement savings, but she's pretty much have to give me all of that (instead of half) to compensate for even half of what she is trying to wiggle out of paying me.  I don't see it happening.  After all, I can't exactly do anything with that money for another 20 years. 

Anyway, me making a stand may have been unexpected, in which case she may regroup and come to me with some sort of compromise that isn't "giving in" but is giving me more.  However the sand may also have been expected, meaning the drama and confrontation were the prize anyway leaving me to anticipate nothing but more of the same to come. 


She's uBPD, but I'd describe her attitude as narcissistic (small n, not NBD).  She sees me as taking money out of her pocket.  In her mind, these things are hers, not ours.  I can't compete with that kind of warped thinking.

I am not handling this well.  I was firmly focused on getting out the door and moving on with my life and now I have to turn back to this $#!+.  I'm already losing my shirt in this divorce and I will not cave any further.  It would be one thing if I was cutting ties completely, but I'd much rather stand and fight over money than battle over our daughter later.  This is my line in the sand. 

Fultus

[ForeverDad]

We understand your frustrations.  Been there, done that.  It hurts right now you're feeling enough is enough.

Some 30 years ago when my grandfather was still alive and I was visiting after being away as a religious volunteer (and poor, in all it was 20+ years) he slipped me $5 (just the once) and said, ":)on't tell your grandmother."  It might have been quite some time later I mentioned this to my mother and she confided that they lived off grandpa's retirement but step-grandma always kept her money separate.  Yet she had so much stashed away my mom said she had to pay taxes on the interest.  Then she observed: his money was theirs but her money was hers.

I think this is written somewhere in Stop Walking on Eggshells... .  

Your Money is Ours, But My Money is Mine

Or maybe... .  

Your Money is Ours, But Our Money is Mine

When it comes right down to it, which is more important, your parenting or your finances?  I'm not saying you cave in every time there's resistance, there will always be waves of resistance and being an appeaser with weak boundaries doesn't work and is self-sabotaging.  But this is her initial response, it is to be expected she will reject it since her first response is to see it as unfavorable and you should take the financial pain rather than her.  She sees things in the moment, the impact of changes is harder and triggering for her, and with her intense and uncontrolled feelings and personal perceptions, not as you do with the overview and reasonable observations and conclusions.

Perhaps she will come to see that the overall calculations haven't changed all that much.  Perhaps not.  But give it a few days and see if she bends a little.  The lower price probably triggered her overreaction.

Also, consider the impacts of a high conflict divorce case in family court.

• The time:  Most cases take at least a year and the typical average for our HC cases is about 2 years, more or less.



• The cost:  If you use lawyers, most lawyers won't take less than $5K to $10K just for the retainer.  I recall my lawyer once asking, when i was complaining about the inequities of the entire long process, ":)o you want a $5K divorce or a $30K divorce?"  His first quote was $5K, I have resisted adding up all the costs but I figure it ended up about $20K (quite bottom-of-the-barrel cheap) but that was just for the 2 years up until the final decree.  We've been in and out of family court for the 5 years since then and the costs have kept mounting.



• Mediation:  Mediation attempts are required and not optional in most family courts.  So while mediation generally doesn't succeed, we do have to make a sincere attempt.



• The process:  My contested divorce included these steps as well as various continuances, and each step took 2 to 6 months:  Initial temp order, mediation attempt(s), court's parenting investigation by court's social worker, custody evaluation, settlement conference, Trial Day, final decree.  That was 23.5 months from filing to final decree.

So my thoughts are that it would be wise for you to consider all the variables, look for opportunities to work things out once this news has been assimilated and see whether she will give in at least a little in the next few days or weeks.  Likely you won't lose anything if you wait it out for a few weeks and see how it goes.

I guess it all depends on where and when you draw the line in the sand.  Choose carefully.  Choose your battle for the things that really matter in the 10-15 years ahead.  Perhaps a difference of $1500 isn't enough to change your entire strategy.  ($1000 & $4000 versus $2500 & $2500 is only a difference of $1500.  If you do relent you can make it conditional upon the rest of the divorce proceeding as planned.)  Remember - though don't ever tell her this since it may reduce her willingness to acquiesce and then be even less agreeable than she already is - the alternative is spending far more time and money in a protracted, slow moving and more expensive divorce case.  IMO

Remember too that most of us never had even a hope of an initial agreement for separation and divorce.  For most here it only came at the very, very end.  Our lot in life was resistance, confrontation, entitled obstruction, determined conflict, subtle and outright sabotage right from the very start.  The very fact that you have had an agreement thus far makes me think it is possible it might succeed if only you make it through the bumps in the road for the next few weeks.

In my case, I had arrived at the court house on Trial Morning, we had been separated for over 2 years and in divorce process most of that time.  I was greeted with the news that finally she wanted to settle.  (She had no other options left and could not delay the case any more.  She liked delays because the temporary order was very favorable to her and any settlement would have been less favorable for her and so of course she delayed.)  I got the distinct impression from everyone there including my lawyer and the custody evaluator that settlement was better than trial.  Settlement would have been Shared Parenting with equal time.  The only custodial aspect unequal was that one parent had to be the Residential Parent for School Purposes.  Of course, she desperately wanted RP since she was The Mother and our son was 'her' child.  I drew my "line in the sand" there.  I said, I will be RP or else we go back into the courtroom and begin the trial.  I figured I'd risk trial since it probably would go my way but there were no guarantees.  She begged but I stood firm.  She finally relented.  This was the first moment in our 2+ year legal conflict where I won out, every other progress I had made in the case had been decided by the officials, this one was My Stand, My Line in the Sand.  I chose it carefully for the long-term benefits and it turned out to be a good choice.  (It turned out to be important despite the nay-saying by both lawyers, a couple months later the school kicked out our kindergartener due to her behaviors and gave me one day to take him earlier than scheduled to my own school.  The school would have been stuck suffering endlessly with her misbehaviors if she had been been RP.)

PS - If a medium amount of $$$ had been the difference of success or failure to a quick resolution in my divorce, I would have taken the financial hit.  (Not quickly or too willingly or else the demands would have been raised.  That's why I stated above that you need to make any concessions about this new wrinkle conditional upon smooth resolution of the case.)  But of course it appears your spouse is less extreme in her possessiveness of the children.  For the majority here, ours were like professional super glue, yours may be more like school paper glue.  Be so very relieved if this is the only downside you face and you can avoid extended and even more expensive conflict.

[Fultus]

Thank you for that, F.D.  You make a good point.  Honestly, I believe this can be resolved if she wants it resolved.  I'm not sure she does.  My father-in-law would lend her the money in half a second.  He'd give her the money, honestly.  Most likely she'd borrow and never pay it back and he wouldn't ask.  Hell, I could call him up and tell him what's going on and he'd likely give ME the money to just drop the issue.  He is very anti-conflict.  stbxw got her streak from her mother.

I will likely have to make some sort of financial concession here, though.  It won't be a win for her, but at least she won't see it as a win for me either.  If the number drops only $2k, I can live with it if I get some other concession.  Any other concession, honestly.  Heck, once things are done I will likely give her furniture that is mine by agreement just because I won't have a place for it, assuming I can get things to go smoothly again.  I'm thinking the money could be made up in retirement savings. 

Minor brainstorm: As part of our current agreement, my stbxw is to carry D6's health and dental insurance.  This does add up to be a significant expense.  I only just now realized how much.  She really should be asking me to pay half of that.  She hasn't yet.  The percentage of that could well be something we negotiate.  Damn... .  now I feel like I need to bring it up.  Basically, I'd be falling on my sword to find a win.  But I don't want to screw her out of things she deserves.  I never have.  We just have different opinions on what that is.  I think my share of insurance premiums would be around $750 per year.  $4k is about 5 years of that.  I'll be shocked if it takes her more than 5 years to find a replacement for me, and at best I would want the divorce agreement to require payments to last only until she remarried or had another child since she'd need a family plan then anyway.  Am I rambling?  The point is that I could make that a bargaining point to either compensate for the cost of refinancing to give me the money I asked for or as a condition (me not paying) for a reduced amount of money coming to me.  This could make up for some inequities in the overall agreement.  Something to think about... .  

In other news, I've pretty much selected a house, and not the one I though I would end up with.  This one has renters in it now, so we're likely looking at the end of March before I can move in.    On the upside, I might be able to convince the seller to accept a rent-to-own arrangement even if the numbers aren't fixed yet. That would give me a set-in-stone move out date, something I desperately need.  I'm tempted to find a short-term apartment sooner than that, but I'm not quite sure. 

Anyway, I'm feeling a little better now that I've considered one more avenue for negotiation.  Readjust navigation and full speed ahead!

[gina louise]

Fultus ,

Godspeed and good luck to you. I am also taking a hit in my divorce settlement. and we have no kids to fight for.

My lawyer wanted to push for more and go to court as she has an eye to throw her opposing lawyer under the bus for a legal faux pas. I was not willing to do that-seeing that the time and wiggle room it would give my stbxBPDh to do things with his employment and finances that he would be apt to do.

I was also concerned that it was a slightly personal V for vendetta thing between the two L's, that know each other very well.

I compromised at a figure 5K below what my lawyer wanted to push for, but I felt my Xh would agree to, and he did. Not happily. But he did, none the less. I am not willing to battle over what amounts to less than 1 month salary for my stbxBPDh. Not worth it.

PS

I hope it doesn't take years for your divorce to settle.

GL

[ForeverDad]

Damn... .  now I feel like I need to bring it up.

Warning, Will Robinson!  Remember that from Lost in Space?

We here are a bunch of Nice Guys and Nice Gals.  However we do have one huge weakness.  We are anxious to be fair and not just fair, but super fair, overly fair, overly polite, overly nice, overly whatever.  That is a weakness when dealing with people who are super-hyped on entitlement and unilateral dictates - and who are unlikely to reciprocate our good intentions.

If you're anything like the rest of us, you will not take advantage of your ex, at least not overmuch.  For example, if you have majority parenting and and she is to pay for child's health insurance, what if she's out of work?  What if her insurance (I have absolutely no idea of the rules now or in future) reduces benefits?  Etc.

Also, who claims your children for tax deductions?  Do you alternate?  Do you get it every year since you'll probably have majority time?  Did you know that there is a special IRS tax form 8332 that may need to be signed, especially if you alternate who gets to file child deductions?

Knowing that you will not long term abuse your parenting or co-parenting, I would suggest you not volunteer comments about things that are already agreed upon.  Change can upset a pwBPD.  So can offering options.  Making changes or offering options can make her overreact and flame out.  I know it can with my ex.  (One time at an exchange my ex was pondering when to reschedule the next exchange and I offered her two obvious options and she responded, "Well, I'll just keep him!"  Yes, giving her options, trying to help, triggered her and left me at a disadvantage.)  If she brings it up, then you can say, "Hmm, let me look into it. Don't worry, we'll work it out."  Don't say anything inflammatory such as "Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't notice."

Likely there are lots of expenses and inequalities you haven't discovered yet.  Surprisingly many will ding your finances more than hers and you'll feel like you were the one stuck with too many of the bills.  For example, parenting is expensive, you can't always predict what future expenses will be.  Since you're a Nice Guy, once you've got the agreement final and ordered by the court, you always have the option to go back after a year or so once you have a better idea of expenses for both sides and make adjustments.  Don't rock the boat too much, also don't initiate changes that might work now but might make it worse for you years from now.  You can always "gift" her a compensation from year to year as you tally up the expenses if you feel it's needed, but don't obligate yourself to it since she likely wouldn't reciprocate your sense of fairness.  (Her lack of reciprocity is a huge reason the marriage failed, isn't it?)

Imagine you had a lawyer.  Want to know what my lawyer says?  "My first obligation to my client is to sit on him/her and not let anything be said."  While that was intended particularly for a court scenario so his client didn't say the wrong thing, the principle is a good one.  Talk too much and you can sabotage yourself.

[Fultus]

Now my stbxw is dragging her feet. On everything. She's waffling on her mortgage provider even though she was 3 days from closing. She says she wants a lawyer to look at the divorce agreement, but the copy has been on the kitchen table for days. Now I find out that she told at least one friend that I spring this divorce on her a few days before Christmas. Try 40 days before, at least.

I'm not sure what other lies she's spreading. She has a second Facebook account. No telling what she does on that. And yes, I'm still living in the house with her. It's a hostile environment and we both fake civility for the sake of d6.

Things are suppose to be progressing, so of course this is when it stalls.

I hate this.

[Matt]

See if you can get a trial date set.

[tog]

This is par for the course and it stinks. My SO has been trying to get a divorce for 2 years now and always, always, there's something she can do to block it. At this point I suspect for her it's a case of doing anything she can to annoy him plus not wanting to let go in hope that he will change his mind and want her back.

It's best to assume she will throw up obstacle after obstacle and try not to let it get to you. Just make plans to address each one and don't be too hopeful about something getting resolved any time soon.

[Fultus]

*Deep breath* *sigh* Signed divorce agreement today.  So did uBPDstbxw.  This is a good thing and I'm 87% happy about it.  She was wearing a hoodie while she signed it and was looking a lot like she did in college, which made it tougher. 

And now she's going out with a friend -- a tall skinny friend with huge boobs... .  who is married.  So they will be targets for every guy in town.  And she's been making herself pretty -- curling hair, spending time on her makeup, pretty clothes... .  all the things she didn't do when she went out with me.  She even made sure I was her in her bra, which is one I bought her.  I suspect she's wearing the matching panties.  Yep, going out... .  looking hot... .  matching underwear.  Some amount of this is undoubtedly to punish me.  Some of it may be to bolster herself in her own immature way.

This simultaneously makes me jealous and convinced I'm doing the right thing.  First, the jealous.  She is smokin hot, I have always thought so.  What she is doing is what I wanted her to do for me.  And that leads right to the right choice.  She didn't do this with me.  Even if she does go out and fornicate (yeah, I said it), she wasn't doing that with me.  If she wants to use her body and beauty as weapons, I don't want to be married to that.  I don't want to associate with that at all.  I deserve someone stable, who loves instead of bulldozes. 

Don't get me wrong, this hurts.  She's wearing pointy heels for God sake!  She never did that... .  ever that I recall.  Where did she get them?  It hurts that she wants to hurt me with this.  But it's not like I'm sitting around feeling bad for myself; I've gotten on a dating site to find people whose company I might enjoy, even exchanged a few emails.  But really, hot chick in heels versus fat nerd.  Who is likely to get attention?  (And more than that.)

I'm resisting the urge to hand her a condom from where they have lain dormant beside my bed and tell her to be safe.  I don't think that would be the high ground.  I'm also fighting the urge to tell her how good she looks.  Damn, I have to get out of this house!

I am submitting an offer on a house tomorrow, so I'm moving in that direction.  We're still talking 45+days before I can close, though.  The timer is ticking and this hell is coming to an end.  So conflicted today! 

This too shall pass.  *sigh* *deep breath*

[Forward2free]

Part of their disorder is being unable to be alone with themselves. They will do ANYTHING to find a new relationship where they feel valued and loved.

When I fell in love with BPD/N he was the most charming, funny, gorgeous, smooth, generous, caring man etc.

Looking back, it was a trap, and I did fall for it. It started going down hill within a few months and I thought he was moody because I did something wrong, I tried everything to get the relationship back to how it was in the beginning.

9 years later, I realised I hadn't fallen in love with him, I fell in love with the man he wanted to be for me. Unfortunately, he doesn't know how to be that person either. It's a coat they wear to look attractive and be alluring. Nothing more than clothes and makeup.

Remember - the clothes and makeup really is only skin deep - would you really risk everything for what lies beneath?

Sounds like you need to value yourself more and build your confidence. What are you going to do today to get started?

[stuckinbetween]

Fultus,

Yeah, part of her seductive behavior may be to make you jealous and uncomfortable, but in large part, it's her BPD.  She cannot tolerate being alone.  That feels like abandonment and it compels her to find someone else and fast.  So that part has very little to do with you, and everything to do with her BPD. We grieve for the potential of what the marriage was at it's best and the PD that killed our dream.  It's so very sad.

Sending you a hug---

Stuckinbetween

Kormilda, the way you described your xh fits my stbxh exactly.  But mine lasted for years.  The weird thing is he told the court he'd been very happy in the marriage for almost the whole 30 years!  Suddenly, he was over me!

[Fultus]

I'm very not okay.  I am taking things worse than I ever thought I was.

Went out with a friend Saturday night to blow off steam.  I had some fun, had some drinks.  Then I puked.  Then I cried. 

I'm glad it was a very good friend I was with.  Once I had purged my stomach, I purged my soul of every pessimistic, pained, and paranoid thought I'd been suppressing.  I knew that I had been putting on a brave face, trying to pretend I'm okay with it.  It wasn't until I started to say the stuff out loud that I realized how much was in there. 

I find myself in familiar traps.  I expect my uBPDstbxw to feel the same pain that I do over the end of the marriage.  It's just so hard to believe it's not there.  She is acting out in response to her negative emotions, but I think the emotion is just anger.  She does not feel the loss like I do. 

It's like I have a diseased arm.  (Stay with me on this.)  The arm has brought me pain for years and it doesn't even function like an arm any more, just dangles there getting in the way.  Finally I decide to amputate the arm.  It's still my arm and I'm still going to be incredibly upset by its loss.  After all, it was the disease I wanted to be rid of, not the arm.  So when I enter surgery to have it amputated, it convulses and does anything it can to make the cut impossible or at least painful.  Once it's finally severed, the arm slaps me in the face and gives me the finger.  It's the disease controlling it now, but it's still the arm that I miss. 

If that's not enough melodrama for you, I'll recap stbxw's opening salvos in what I fear will be a war of a thousand papercuts, each delivered with D6 as the weapon. 

The divorce was signed on Friday.  That night was when she went out drinking (see above post for how well that went over) and waited until D6 was in bed to report that she wouldn't be back until morning.  Not that big a deal, except D6 has a habit of crawling into her mother's bed at 3am. 

Then Sunday I came home (from my night out puking) to an empty house.  stbxw has taken D6 to her parents' place for the day.  She never asked me, never told me until I texted her looking for D6. 

Tonight (Monday) it was stbxw's turn to take D6 to bed (we alternate).  She left and told D6 that she was going shopping and might stop to see her friend (same from Friday) but she wouldn't be gone long.  She wasn't back by bedtime, so I put D6 to bed.  Gets home 2 hours later. 

Worst, I found out that D6 had talked to the school counselor about divorce.  Apparently this happened a while ago, back before the divorce was imminent but when I told her teacher we were having trouble at home.  D6 didn't remember much other than that they discussed a friend of hers whose parents got divorced.  D6 then says "I hope you two never break up like that."  You see, we haven't told her.  We were waiting until closer to time for me to move out.  I wanted to discuss this development with stbxw because this is clearly a parenting issue.  She refused to talk, just climbed into bed the minute she got home. 

This co-parenting thing is not going to work.  I'm going to have to change my strategy from discussing issues with her to making decisions and informing her, allowing her to rebut.  Hell, that's what she's doing with me.  She told me today that D6 was going to spend a weekend with her parents while stbxw is in Europe.  This is in like 2 weeks, well before I'm out of the house.  She didn't ask, she told. 

I am documenting these parenting behaviors.  She has a responsibility to co-parent.  If she does not, I will parent by myself (through legal channels of course). 

She's keeping me spinning in circles, that's for sure.  I'm starting to think I need to find an apartment for March so that the lines of responsibility become clear.  I need to calm down enough to make some rational decisions.  I figured the worst of the drama would be over now that the papers are signed.  Looks like it's just getting started.

[tog]

Of course you are having a hard time! Your marriage is ending. It's normal to feel the way you do.   Plus, you are still living in the same house!    What a nightmare.

Expect to feel everything you are feeling. It should get easier when you move out, but the coparenting will take a while to figure out. If I have any advice from watching my SO deal with his uN/BPDstbxw during his divorce, it would be to try not to get too strict and confrontational right off the bat, it will just escalate everything.

Can you go stay with a friend or family or something? Can you guys go in and out of the house for your parenting time with D? This situation is crazy.

[tog]

Oh, and can I just add? If I were in your ex's shoes, living in the house with the man who wanted a divorce when I didn't, I might do the same thing... .  rally myself to look as if I don't care and go out and have the time of my life. I think a non-BPD person might use that as a defense. It doesn't mean it isn't bothering her, just that this is how she's dealing with it.

The only thing you have control over is how you think about things. Do you have a therapist? Maybe he/she could help you with that.

[stuckinbetween]

Did you mention that the two of you alternate letting your D6 climb into your bed?  I know this is awful to contemplate, but the stbxw may make insinuations or false allegations about you.  Don't do anything at all that she could use against you.  She is,after all, a BPD.  Your behavior must be as close to perfect as you can make it.  Yes, get out of the house with your D6 whenever you can, but I wouldn't move out the house without a parenting plan in place, or she could accuse you of abandoning the family (child).

Your analogy to having to amputate the diseased arm is spot on.  And when you amputate a limb, you can have phantom nerve pain which makes you think the arm is still there.  Expect to go through the 5 stages of grief, but this kind of grief is so much more complicated because the person we thought we knew and loved is still walking around in the loved one's body.  It's surreal.  The best thing to do is let yourself feel what you're feeling and keep talking about it as much as you can.  Keep posting here.

Stuckinbetween

[Matt]

Many of our members have continued to live with someone, after the marriage is over - legally over, or even if they're still legally married but the marriage is over in every other way.

It is extremely stressful!  And as Stuck suggests, all sorts of bad things can happen - accusations, violence, etc. - when two adults are under so much stress.

And of course the stress affects the child too, in ways that are hard to know.

So... .  it's surely best to cut this period of living together as short as possible.  I think you'll find it a huge relief, and better for everyone involved, when there are separate households.  (I sure did!)

[minkmink]

Its ok to feel like you have a diseased arm.

I told my therapist (life coach) that I am divorcing a disease, there is probably only about %10 of the h left. I told her that I just can't be married to a disease anymore.

so I understand.

Mink

[Fultus]

I'm dealing with things better than I was.  BPDxw has been avoiding me like the plague, which probably helps even though she ends up avoiding D6 as well.  She's in Europe for a week+ right now, which has its own stresses (she keeps trying to Skype with D6 at weird times) but mostly it's a good thing.  Maybe she'll have some fun and loosen up, too.  Right.

I think I really needed to get all that negativity out a couple weeks ago.  I'm starting to tie up some loose ends now.  I wrote a letter to my ex-in-laws thanking them for all they've done.  Not sure how it will go over, but I'm sad to be losing them in my life.  They're watching D6 this weekend (arranged by xw without consulting me) and I'll give it to them then. 

I'm trying to surround myself with positivity as much as possible.  It helps most of the time.  I'm also trying to deal with emotions when they arise rather than stuffing it down.  Progress is slow, but I'm making some.