BPD and Friendship

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just wondering whether bpNPD/BPD can maintain any kind of friendships

I have a theory that the idealisation phase, coupled with high libido, means they go from one lover to the next but are not good at maintaining friendships / family relationships

I am doing my best not to generalise these days, but it would help me to depersonalise my exBPD's behaviour if I knew that they are generally bad with any kind of friendship - and not just ours.

The major breakdown of my r/s actually happend post dating when I tried to remain friends. I ended the sexual relationship (when my boundaries were working!) so suffered the devaluation and discard only later as I tried to maintain a friendship. I only saw the lack of empathy, inability to give, reciprocate... .  after the main r/s had finished.

My ex never spoke of anyone earlier than a few months back... .  never talked about his family... .  childhood friends. Only very recent people.

It all lends itself to that 'kids trapped in adult bodies' thing... .  where they are so in the moment they neglect older relationships.

Ironically, his Facebook friends numbered in the hundreds... .  

Anybody else have an opinion on this? Your ex have many friends? A best friend?

bb12

[bb12]

Just wondering whether bpNPD/BPD can maintain any kind of friendships

I have a theory that the idealisation phase, coupled with high libido, means they go from one lover to the next but are not good at maintaining friendships / family relationships

I am doing my best not to generalise these days, but it would help me to depersonalise my exBPD's behaviour if I knew that they are generally bad with any kind of friendship - and not just ours.

The major breakdown of my r/s actually happend post dating when I tried to remain friends. I ended the sexual relationship (when my boundaries were working!) so suffered the devaluation and discard only later as I tried to maintain a friendship. I only saw the lack of empathy, inability to give, reciprocate... .  after the main r/s had finished.

My ex never spoke of anyone earlier than a few months back... .  never talked about his family... .  childhood friends. Only very recent people.

It all lends itself to that 'kids trapped in adult bodies' thing... .  where they are so in the moment they neglect older relationships.

Ironically, his Facebook friends numbered in the hundreds... .  

Anybody else have an opinion on this? Your ex have many friends? A best friend?

bb12

[its_tough]

My ex has fallouts with friends quite often.  She thinks most women are out to get her.  Recently my ex has made friends through AA but she has had a lot

of problems with people in AA.  She keeps switching meetings.  As soon as someone disagrees with her she usually turns them black.

[myself]

Each case would be different, but in mine, my ex only had one real long-time friend. Who used to be in a relationship with her. It's kind of a twisted story, the parts of it I know, which I won't go into here. It's a situation where they're friends, but they use each other too, in various ways, so, it's not the greatest 'friendship'. They frequently have huge arguments, don't talk, etc. The other people I saw her interacting with were yelled at, put down, talked behind their backs, cut off at the drop of a hat, never really reaching out to her much, and kind of few and far between. She can be wonderful for awhile, on the surface, very playful and engaging. But it's what's inside that counts, as we all know, and that's where she has problems being a real friend. I think I fell into that role for her, her 'closest friend', until the idealization wore off due to me actually growing closer with her, which was the trigger that got her running away. Ruining our 'friendship' as she did so.

[Changed4safety]

Mine had and has many friends of many years' standing.  Of course, I bet a lot of them he cybersexed with while with me    I know of at least one for sure, and I had my suspicions about another... .  

On a serious note, he has friends from high school still (he just turned 30) who love him and have been through a lot with them.  I have gotten to know these people and they are good, kind, generous folk, who have steadfastly remained friends with me as well as him.   When we began a LDR it was one of the criteria I used to judge if he was a decent person.  ><  He has told me though that they do NOT know about the extent of his cheating (or anything about it) or the violence he perpetrated on me.  It was interesting though that they have seen a lot of his raging.  But they just kind of roll their eyes.  I believe if they knew he had hurt me, they'd be horrified. 

I'm glad he has them, it gives me hope that one day there may be something resembling normalcy in his life.  He has only 2 ex GFs besides me as friends though--usually paints them black.

[findingmyselfagain]

My ex just recently moved from another state when we met. I chalked her lack of friends up to that. She texted people occasionally, but the only "friends" I ever met were her co-workers. *I* was her whole life for several months. She even had her brother as the "Man of Honor" for our wedding (never made it that far) b/c she only had one bridesmaid. When I asked her about her other friends she said she lost them due to "drama." She de-friended her "best friend" when they disagreed about circumcision. All of these things hit me in the gut, but I kind of ignored them b/c I typically mind  my own business and figured I didn't have any say over her friendships. I never saw the writing on the wall for my own devaluing. Toward the end she began texting 2 male co-workers a lot and throwing it up in my face. From talking to a few of her co-workers they weren't really as close as she pretended they were. I do believe in many cases friendships are difficult for them as they get closer.

[LuckyEscapee]

Mine has hundreds of FB friends which are often acquaintances. He has an insatiable need to know what is going on in people's lives, a craving for information. He hates not knowing what is happening in my life and trawls for information, except we have no shared friends as he was mean to everyone who didn't live up to his ideals. So he can find out very little about me as I am naturally very private.

In reality his only close friends are his siblings. He was surprisingly unpopular with his work colleagues because at first meeting he is very funny and outgoing, but he was forever telling his colleagues how they should be doing their jobs.

I would say they have difficulties maintaining any close relationships due to their unstable moods and lack of 'opinion control'. Everyone fails them in the end. With friends like them, who needs enemies.

[mamachelle]

I'm a Non married to a Non. With many other friends who fit the NPD/BPD or Bipolar personality. I work in the arts and its an occupational hazzard. 

I think they are interesting friends at first. That is why you may be drawn to them. As friends or lovers or ex lover friends or all 3 at once. I often see them as chameleons. Some change their appearance and dress quite often. Many actresses and actors and artists and writers and musicians.

I think best kept at a distance or occasional fun times but the more intimacy and involvement the more abusive things will get.

I made the mistake of hiring a BPD friend from college. She was BPD lite Depressive and quiet. She later seduced my boss in some weird seriously nerdy way and took years to get rid of. She made so many data mistakes, lied to me, lied to everyone. Would come in in her pajamas. Her behavior got weirder and I got angrier. I basically had to hire people to take over her job so she finally got the message and left, it was hard losing her as a friend but she was so destructive yet looked so innocent. My boss finally came round and said it was like building a skyscraper and having all the windows on one side blown out and not knowing it.

So, yes BPDs struggle with friendships and they can hurt you in ways you never suspect if you get too close to them.

[trouble11]

Was thinking about this today.  Mine has ZERO friends.  He mentioned once it would be nice if we stayed friends.  After giving it some consideration I just can't.  My REAL friends are people that started out as acquaintances then proved themselves to be kind, trustworthy, loyal, honest, and capable of empathy.  They trust me and I them.  They are there for me when I need them and visa versa and would never leave me for dead.  My BPDexbf is none of these.  If my car broke down 2 blocks from his house I have several acquaintances I would call before him as he would be too busy with my replacement to help.  He only wants to be "friends" in case he needs a fill up.  

[j4c]

To try and be friends with someone that is all out for themselves would be pretty tough. We.ve all come across selfish people throughout our lives but pwBPD for me are on the top floor of the selfish towerblock!

In my opinion if they dont feel like you are any use to them, whether you are a friend, family member or lover you will soon be discarded.

My uexBPDgf has a few friends she calls or visits from time to time but theres always an alterior motive. Not sure if her "friends" have cottoned on but it is fairly obvious from where I used to stand. Im pretty sure they all bad mouth her behind her back but arent brave enough to confront her about it. My ex is in complete denial like so many other pwBPD and for me the only way she will ever face up to HER being the common denominator for her life of destruction is if her circle of friends disowned her.

[maria1]

My ex has a few 'close' friends. I don't know if he has been involved sexually with some of the ones who are women.

When I met him he referred to a man he used to work with as his 'new best friend because his old best friend died'. That friend had died of cancer and it sounded like a 'real' friendship.

He can be a good friend to people, he wants to be. But he chooses which truth to tell his friends and I think he finds it a struggle keeping up.

I struggle with the friendship thing. He has an RO against him from his ex wife. He introduced me to family members and a couple of friends- then I disappeared and he introduced a new woman to everybody including his 7 year old son. This didn't last long and he is now doing something similar with another woman. I won't be his friend in a way that he wants because me being back on the scene as a public constant in his life will validate his behaviour. I can't do that. I also don't like the idea that he might not tell his girlfriends if he sees me, or he might but it all feels unhealthy because he still talks about how our relationship was better. I don't want to be used in his constant triangulation (read definition) and his desire to prove to his community that he is a 'good man'.

So I am being a 'lite' friend I suppose and that means I am only asking 'lite' friendship back. Because if I asked a proper friendship of him I do think he would and could give it to me but whether it could last I don't know; I suspect he would pull and push just as much in a friendship . The cost is too high. If I open up and trust him properly we would become intimate as friends (I don't mean physically I mean emotionally). That would mean he is being emotionally unfaithful to whoever he is seeing and that makes me feel uncomfortable. It would also, I suspect, mean he would have to push me away because the engulfment would/could still happen but I don't know- he associates the 'claustrophobic' feelings only with sexual partners.

I see him occasionally and I try not to instigate contact. Recently I reached out and asked him for support and he was right there. I feel bad that I did it but also I feel I've trapped myself into having to be there for him now! But those are just my feelings- I'm only trapped if I choose to be and, to be fair he isn't doing anything to use it against me. Also I feel like I'm holding him back from any real connection as a friend because anything like that tips into him telling me he loves me and how great it all was and that's no good for either of us.

He has an interesting friendship with a woman who is, I think, in love with him. He discards her but picks her up again when he needs her. She always comes running- she is married. He has treated her horrendously.

[KellyO]

I don't do friendships with exes, am I BPD? This is again one thing that is so much about person. Friendships with exes create lots of trouble, drama and jealousy, and I have seen it all around me. I have had 2 longterm relationships where my partners ex was a real pain in the backside and both times I found things were not at all innocent, I was cheated. Second time I left the man because of that, and we had just moved together. It is good to be able to say Hi to your ex if you see him/her, even ask how they are, but I don't want to keep in touch with them. That is how I am. For me, it is normal and healthy, and keeps things simple for everyone. If I would date someone, and found out they have close friendship with their ex, I would walk out. I have seen enough of those friendships.

[Changed4safety]

Recently I reached out and asked him for support and he was right there. I feel bad that I did it but also I feel I've trapped myself into having to be there for him now! But those are just my feelings- I'm only trapped if I choose to be and, to be fair he isn't doing anything to use it against me. Also I feel like I'm holding him back from any real connection as a friend because anything like that tips into him telling me he loves me and how great it all was and that's no good for either of us.

I have done this, up until very recently.  He keeps "liking" things on my FB and linking things, but has not actually sent me words of any sort for over a week now, nor I him.  He assures me that he will always be there for me if I need him, but the undercurrent is of course that I will promise the same.  I'd reached out to him a lot over Xmas, dealing with being with family on the anniversary of my Dad's death (FOO issues with my mom the recovering alcoholic plus breaking up the night before the trip plus missing my father/protector equals a messed up Changed!).  He was there.  But then when he had a crisis, afterward when I tried to go back to the "lite" contact, he raged at me and basically said I was a fair-weather friend.  It's very hard.  

[Changed4safety]

Ta-hol, I'd say you are the norm.  I tend to have quite good friendships with exes--of course I was out of circulation for 20 years.    It's just kind of my nature, and the ones I was friends with were the ones who were decent guys that I chased away out of my own neediness.  None of them live close, it's just a casual thing (I stayed celibate for 15 years rather than cheat on my husband--long story, but there's NO way I'd be the "other woman"--again, just the way I am), but when they are in town I love visiting them and their wives and families.  I think that's why it's so hard to think that my exBPD and I might not have that.