Smell of drinking throws me into a depression

[WorkingOnIt505]

When my BPDgf comes home from hanging out with her girlfriends (without fail) she always smells like booze or is obviously inebriated. In the past this has had her lying to me, "i'm doing hw at the cafe and then we will get pizza (of course at a pizza/bar)". Tonight she told me she was going to comfort a friend but instead comes home smelling of booze and says they got "pizza". Her drinking has been an issue which is always flipped on me because I admitted that my relationship with alcohol was unhealthy (i have since worked past this issue/continuing to work on it). I am scared to ask her is she has been drinking as she won't say anything when talking about her night but I feel lied to and another branch of trust is gone. In the past drinking has always signaled fighting and some of the meanest things I have ever heard come out of her mouth.

How do I bring up the conversation of alcohol without coming off as what she will see as judging or preachy?

I feel like I have PTSD when I smell booze on her. I feel myself recoil and flinch. I'm thinking of asking her to sleep at her place when she drinks and I'm looking forward to the "youre trying to control me" argument that will stem from that.

Can I be honest and say, it triggers a depression in me because of past conflict? Or is there a better way to phrase this?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Is the drinking causing bad behavior?

Is it causing her to act inappropriately?

Is the issue really yours, and her drinking is just triggering you?

Is she lying because she is doing something totally wrong, or simply because she knows you don't approve?

If you bring the subject up what are you trying to achieve? Do you want her to stop? Moderate? Or simply tell the truth?

[Foreverhopefull]

I never bring up drinking when he has been drinking. I wait till he's sober.

At one point, I took the time to explain to him how his drinking made me feel, what it did to our finances, what I would like for him to do about it and said that I wasn't going to talk about it again. That he now knows how I feel about it and what are my boundaries about it.

Now, when he does drink, he does give me some excuses as to why he is, but I just look at him and don't respond to it. If he brings up that I'm not talking, I just remind him that I told him how I feel about it and that we had agreed it was a closed subject. Then I walk away.

If it's something that really bothers you, have the talk when she's completely sober. Reflect on what is the issue(s) about drinking that bothers you to make sure you are clear on the issue(s). Make sure to point out that it's your feelings, don't get into the blame game... .  in other words, use all the tools. Most of all, make sure it's non confrontational and always calm.

[Somewhere]

I feel like I have PTSD when I smell booze on her. I feel myself recoil and flinch.

GOOD!  At least some part of you has a grip.  

Listen to it/you.

I'm thinking of asking her to sleep at her place when she drinks and I'm looking forward to the "youre trying to control me" argument that will stem from that.

Can I be honest and say, it triggers a depression in me because of past conflict? Or is there a better way to phrase this?

Did I follow that you have recently went dry, yourself?

mho, check out AA and Al-Anon

[4now]

How do I bring up the conversation of alcohol without coming off as what she will see as judging or preachy?

I feel like I have PTSD when I smell booze on her. I feel myself recoil and flinch. I'm thinking of asking her to sleep at her place when she drinks and I'm looking forward to the "youre trying to control me" argument that will stem from that.

Can I be honest and say, it triggers a depression in me because of past conflict? Or is there a better way to phrase this?

Hi,

I don't know if there is a good way to bring it up, but I think you are on the right path with you asking her to stay at her own place if she has been drinking.  This is a boundary that you are putting in place for yourself because her drinking is having a negative effect on you.  IMO that is completely acceptable and HEALTHY!

You are not trying to control her, she can drink and do whatever, you just don't want to be around it.  That is called a Boundary.  I think that would be an awesome way to handle it.  You are putting the responsibility for her drinking squarely back on her and she can deal with it.  You won't have to because you won't be aware.  That, my friend, sounds like freedom to me.  

And given the fact that you have had issues with drinking, whatever they may be, it makes the most sense to do this for yourself.  Take care of you and do what you need to do.

As far as her saying you are trying to control her, that's boloney!  You aren't telling her what to do, just what you don't want her to do around you.  Perfectly reasonable. And you don't have to accept every invitation to a fight that she gives you. If you try and explain it, it might end up as a JADE fest and you certainly don't want that.  Have you read up on JADE? You could state something simple like, it's just not working for me and it is having a negative affect on me and leave it at that.

Good Luck!

[waverider]

It is important to get onto this early, if you let it slide it will become a very difficult hole to get out of.

I know where you are coming from my partner is a severe cyclical alcoholic. Dont allow her problem to become yours, and dont fall into the "I'm going to do something about it empty promises", otherwise everything is always on hold and your depression gets worse. It is harder to stop than people think, and easy to promise.