Am I still in a r/s? Dealing with silent treatment

[nylonsquid]

My uBPDgf found an old online dating profile of mine and has been crushed reading it. She can't forgive that in the profile I said "looking for a healthy relationship". Lol. So she's given me the silent treatment after raging texts. I tried reaching out by waiting in the cold for hours waiting under her 2nd story window for her to let me in. No dice. She just ignored me. Then I was able to catch her coming out of work. She was really upset at me and we made a scene on the street as I denied her biking home before talking to me. I was very calm and very light about the situation. I just tried apologizing and letting her be upset at me. For the most part I listened but I also had to explain some things she didn't understand/know.

I asked if she'd like to see me for a drink and she said okay. That was over a week ago. It went okay. She said "I really want to be with you right now but I just can't get myself to forgive you". We did end up holding and I gave her some kisses. I'm not sure if this is a break. After all, someone mentioned not to take their word, they might mean something else. So after that meeting I felt rejuvenated to give it a better shot and try to give attention and love. For the next few days I asked every night how she was doing and sent flowers to her work. She liked all that but still couldn't forgive me because she says the trust was broken and eventually said we should probably not see each other any more. This was in text. I haven't seen her since that last meeting. I lost my cool and texted a few things that may have been seen by her as challenging. I was questioning her decision. She said she loved me but it's not working.

Eventually I sent her a long email last week and I basically said:

-I miss taking care of you.

-No harm was done. I'm still here and didn't do any damage.

-Her paranoia started before any of the trust was broken.

-That it's because she's been stressed with work, losing her father last year, her job ending soon and being in a relationship.

-I asked her to be patient with us because it will eventually subside and she will be okay.

Haven't heard from her since. I texted a few days later. "hi " and "Hope you're good" and today "Are you excited for your project tomorrow?"

I got a response for the last one but only hours later. There's days between messages. What's this? Should I wait this out? Is this part of her trying to get attention? Should I ignore?

What do I want? I want to support her and if she wants me back/to be with me then I would go back. I don't think I can stay too long though because it could be costing me my happiness. Regardless, I was working decently on the relationship using the skills that I've read. But I couldn't stop the paranoia.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

Ignore her.

She's jerking you around because you handed all of your power over to her.

When she gets tired of your going and having a good time without you, she will come out of it.

Also the more you try, the more she is enjoying jerking your chain.

Sorry to sound negative, but they do get off on it and it's caused by them disregulating and the only way they stop really disregulating is to calm down on their own, self soothe, and once you let them alone long enough to do it, they do it!

Otherwise, they will mess you up with them.

They will feel better and you will feel worse and then later they do it again because they were successful.

Just my experience. And mine is at it again, too. And I am not happy about it and I am sick of it, and I think all sorts of rude things because the reason he is essentially is because I won't agree with word or action to do exactly what he wants. So he is going to stick his nose in the air and be stupid towards me in the best way he knows to hurt me. Well he is. And as a result, he gets nothing except to be alone and sulk till he is done. So I am letting him.

I don't need that in my face anyway and you don't either. Go do something that distracts you and makes you feel good. You will make a great deal more progress if you do. Promise.

[almost789]

Well, since you say you think you might want to stay I will say that you just need to pull back now. You told her what you want. She needs times away. Shes splitting you. Thats why she says she cant forgive right now. Youve received contact within hours? And days? Thats actually fairly good. Mine has given me silent for weeks. Just pull away a bit. Give her space because if you keep pressuring shell probably feel engulfed.

[laelle]

This is how I might handle this.  This is only my opinion.

I understand completely that you are hurt and angry with me. I would have felt the same way if I had seen your profile on the net.  I do want to make myself clear in the fact that this profile was before I met you, and that I love our relationship. I am truly sorry that this has hurt you.

Stop your text here and wait for her response.  There is alot to say but there is no hurry to say it.

It will take the time it takes her and no amount of jumping through hoops is going to help that.  It will only make it worse.

Go and enjoy the time you have to yourself.  I know that is hard to do, but it has helped me to deal with my time in the dog house.

[nylonsquid]

the only way they stop really disregulating is to calm down on their own, self soothe, and once you let them alone long enough to do it, they do it!

Do what? Come back and say sorry?

And as a result, he gets nothing except to be alone and sulk till he is done. So I am letting him.

Yeah, she is alone now sulking and feeling bad about herself. She can't sleep and such and I feel bad for her. But I am actually okay with it because I feel better when I'm not chained to her.

Go do something that distracts you and makes you feel good. You will make a great deal more progress if you do. Promise.

Thanks! Yea I am doing things and distracting myself. I'm doing fine but I thought the relationship was done. The last time this kind of thing happened was exactly last year and I lost her to someone  I believe she's eyeing someone now (idealizing) and going on 'dates' with her ex and some other dude. This is as far as I know, maybe there's even more guys I don't know of. She is beautiful and desired but not so forthcoming with people. If someone snatches her, she's gone! I'm not even sure I'm worried about that anymore actually. But I do want to do my part in the relationship and that is to give it/her a chance. Also, I don't know how long I ignore. It's been a slow month but there's been contact and I've tried reaching out. Should I just keep checking up on her with these small texts (to show I'm there) or just COMPLETELY ignore?

[nylonsquid]

Well, since you say you think you might want to stay I will say that you just need to pull back now. You told her what you want. She needs times away. Shes splitting you. Thats why she says she cant forgive right now. Youve received contact within hours? And days? Thats actually fairly good. Mine has given me silent for weeks. Just pull away a bit. Give her space because if you keep pressuring shell probably feel engulfed.

Thanks Lifegoeson! Yea I should ignore more but I know I'm risking losing her to someone again. When and how do I message again? It's been all January like this and she still thinks we shouldn't meet. Do I ignore until she makes the first move?

Also, I think you're right in that after I last saw her I was texting every day then sent her flowers. I felt optimistic but I guess feelings of engulfment came up. I'll definitely pull away now.

[nylonsquid]

Laelle:

Awesome! Thanks for the advice. I feel like I typed enough in my email so I probably shouldn't say any more. I guess I'll go enjoy myself and hope she doesn't get snatched up during this time. Which is likely, she's too desired out there. I hope it's just my perception.

[almost789]

NylonSquid, No I'm not saying "ignore" her. Just pull away for a while. I would think you can send her a text or whatever when you feel like it based on your past experiences with her. But I wouldn't do it often. They just don't react to that. Usually they don't come back until they notice a significant distancing from you. If she text you I would not recommend ignoring, unless your going NC but if that was the case you wouldn't be on the staying board.

[nylonsquid]

Lifegoeson,

Thanks so much for the advice. I need it. I guess I didn't mean ignoring her texts but basically not doing the initial texting. I would just respond to her. I really don't know how long to wait and just not text. She responded yesterday but only at the end of the day, way past her bed time.

Now that I think back (just two months ago) about it I noticed that when she once ignored me (I thought she dumped me and relationship was over) and I responded to her cries by not picking up her call when she was very angry and responding to her texts with: "You're beautiful and intelligent. I'm sure you will find someone quick and forget about me". She hated that. I then planned a trip that she found out about and she came by crying begging me to beg for her and apologize. I guess when we push away they pull, huh?

Isn't this damaging to her if I also push? I guess I should just be neutral. Man, I'm thinking pushing works better. She should know I'm enjoying my time and going out. I wonder what she'd do if I say that I'm done with her...

[almost789]

Lol... .  well I can only tell you how mine reacted. If I would really get feed up and sick and tired of being ignored and I said something like. Ok, well I'm done. Or I've got to move on, Im going to forget about you now. Forever! He would usually reply. They can't stand being forgotten about. Or written off for good. But, they can't seem to manage to be with you either. Its really a devastating disorder. I hate it.

[laelle]

I wouldnt worry so much about her finding someone else.  While she may run to another person (or may not), you know very well that it takes someone knowledgeable about BPD to fully understand her.  Eventually the cracks would show.  Think of this as an opportunity for her to figure out what she wants, while you remain a rock of stability and a healthy, happy person.  Its your chance to take control of you and get use to holding those reigns.  If she really cares she will find a way to connect.  If not, why waste your time chasing a dream.  Give it time, go have fun.

[nylonsquid]

Yea, it is a terrible disorder. It just crushes my heart seeing her cry. I pretty much cry inside too and sometimes tear up but apparently she doesn't notice that.

Okay, so I thought it's over, or maybe I should think like it's over. Plan is to not message her unless she messages me. Give it another week? Sheesh, it's soo long from now! January she's been pretty absent. I feel she'll forget about me. You know, "out of site, out of mind". Funny she used that line describing me. I send her a message every now and then to just keep a connection. It's as simple as "hi Hope you're well". Gah! I should just not message for another week. If she's gone then she's gone, right?

Thank goodness for these boards! Haha

[laelle]

I think you should do whatever it is you feel like doing.  What I said had nothing to do with leaving the relationship, only with how to perceive the distance without hurting yourself.  Part of being mindful is accepting your feelings and being ok with them.  

Like today I went to a doctor to get approval for a surgery next week.  Apparently my surgeon didnt tell him everything he was going to do and I got frustrated and showed my ass a little.  Afterwards I started to feel stupid, guilty, sad and alot of other emotions.  Instead of reacting as I use to, which would be to scold and demean myself for it internally.

I accepted that I was upset and frustrated.  I told myself that its normal to get upset sometimes, and while I could have expressed my emotions in a more productive way, I didnt.  I apologized if I seemed rude, and that I was frustrated and nervous.  He understood.

I let it go.

Its more about you being able to let go of not always being what you think you should be or doing the right things. You know already that you cant fix her, and its ok.

Its not doing the right things, but having the right mindset.

[briefcase]

Yea, it is a terrible disorder. It just crushes my heart seeing her cry. I pretty much cry inside too and sometimes tear up but apparently she doesn't notice that.

No she doesn't notice this.  It's easy to get engulfed by their emotions.  This level of enmeshment isn't good for you, and it's not winning you any points.  Focus on yourself for a while.  Become strong and confident. 

You have been chasing and chasing her.  Stop chasing her, and see what happens.  There are no guarantees here, but what you are doing isn't working either.  I like your idea of not contacting her unless she contacts you. 

[nylonsquid]

Yea, it is a terrible disorder. It just crushes my heart seeing her cry. I pretty much cry inside too and sometimes tear up but apparently she doesn't notice that.

No she doesn't notice this.  It's easy to get engulfed by their emotions.  This level of enmeshment isn't good for you, and it's not winning you any points.  Focus on yourself for a while.  Become strong and confident. 

You have been chasing and chasing her.  Stop chasing her, and see what happens.  There are no guarantees here, but what you are doing isn't working either.  I like your idea of not contacting her unless she contacts you. 

You're right guys! Thanks so much for the advice! I've been really good about taking things easier and lighter after she pushes me, letting her rage then commenting and making it almost fun. I got carried away last time I saw her and started loving her (giving more attention and care) and that's when she pushed again. Her friends I don't think are helping as they are enabling her. Probably saying "squid is terrible. No good bf would do such a thing". I wonder how much that skews her perceptions. I feel like it helps her in painting me black.

I guess life goes on and I move on.

Though I know the next person won't be able to handle her, her ex before me is fantastic at this. The more I learn about BPD and how to respond the more I realize how good he's doing. He's always happy, there and supportive. Always making jokes, being social with people, getting his life organized and in order, on top of routine, eats healthy and is very active athletically. What the hell? How did that not work? She says he dropped her and moved out. I guess that's when I picked her. He's always been around for her even during our relationship. Man, this woman I'm with is worshipped by others. I don't know if he has intentions of being back with her but I'm sure he can be.

In the meantime we all wait... .  

haha