I sent my exBPD a note to tell her to stop smearing me

[Diana82]

Ok so my exgf (who dumped me 5 months ago) has been awful ever since.

She ignored me completely after I asked politely to return my things, changed her number and told a couple of people (mutual friends) I am "crazy".  And god knows what else. This is a woman who lied about stalkers and that she was almost raped. She completely played the victim and deliberately refused to return my things- knowing it would infuriate me.

There is a clear pattern with my ex and she tends to smear all her exes. She exaggerates harassment and abuse and makes up stories to harm people's credibility.

I was sick of hearing the rubbish talk today.

My ex deleted me off Facebook but I messaged her tonight asking her to stop lying about me and that I'm aware ( and my family) of her hogwash and smearing antics. I added that I won't tolerate it anymore. And I know about her lying ways.

She blocked me soon after I sent it.

Bad idea?

For some reason I feel good even though she blocked me. I needed to stand up for myself.

She has already tried ruining another woman's reputation. I recently spoke to this woman who believes my ex has a mental illness.

But my ex seems to get away with it.

[almost789]

Hi Diana,

You were cut off brutally and coldly and left without any way to close or express your feelings. I understand why you feel good. Because you finally got to tell her what you thought of her actions. Good for you. Bad idea? I don't know. You don't want her back anyway, you've stated that multiple times. So, if telling her to stop lying about you and you are on to her ways makes you feel better, good. Us nons are human too. If you feel better now maybe you will begin to turn the page soon.

[BentNotBroken]

There is a clear pattern with my ex and she tends to smear all her exes. She exaggerates harassment and abuse and makes up stories to harm people's credibility.

I was sick of hearing the rubbish talk today.

My ex deleted me off Facebook but I messaged her tonight asking her to stop lying about me and that I'm aware ( and my family) of her hogwash and smearing antics. I added that I won't tolerate it anymore. And I know about her lying ways.

She blocked me soon after I sent it.

Bad idea?

For some reason I feel good even though she blocked me. I needed to stand up for myself.

She has already tried ruining another woman's reputation. I recently spoke to this woman who believes my ex has a mental illness.

But my ex seems to get away with it.

But she is not getting away with it. It is actually obvious to other people as she burns through the small community that you are both a part of. She has a poison tongue and likes to use it, just like my ex. However, she is not getting away with it. Even the people who will listen to her stories, don't really believe them 100%. The wilder the stories get, the more they suspect it is HER, not you or any of her other exes. Let her spin her web of deceit, and soothe her childish ego. You know the truth about you, and so do some of the other people that know both of you.

I had a conversation with a relative of my ex the other day. She is not convinced of the wild stories and has pulled back as far as possible for her own self-protection. I told her to testify in court for the ex if she is asked to do so and tell the truth no matter how bad it was towards me, but don't get roped into telling lies for the ex. I also told her I have no desire to burn her in court, but if she lies for the ex, she will get thrown under the bus as several others already have. She told me she suspects something is mentally amiss with my ex, and has kept her distance for that reason for several years now.

Other people DO SEE the insanity even though they are listening to the ex smear you. Part of the reason why I believed the stories my ex told about others is due to my emotional involvement with her. Other people don't have this problem, because they have some distance from her. They see the big picture, and not just the small one that ex is trying to paint for them.

If you split up with her 5 months ago, why were you still facebook friends with her? Failure to detach maybe?

This obsession with the ex is going to eat you alive.

[Diana82]

Just to clarify- as well as changing her number, my ex deleted me on facebook. I was unable to get hold of her for months and needed my stuff returned.

It was a nightmare and the only means I had was LinkedIn messaging! and now she is off my LinkedIn anyway.

But I noticed recently Facebook changed its settings and now anyone can message anyone. So I was able to contact her through there.

I could see that she read the message as there is a "seen" message. And approx 10 minutes after she blocked me.

I also added that I found out she lied about this woman (she claimed harassed and stalked her) as I know this woman and have been in touch. And I said "and you've lied about me and need to stop".

I said that she should quit the trash talk and get into therapy  

[turtle]

Well... .  you may have just goaded her into continuing to smear you.

Hope not, but it's highly likely that she'll be even more determined now!

Unless you are ready (with proof) and willing to obtain a restraining order, then leave her alone.  She'll wear herself out ... .  eventually.

turtle

[Diana82]

Well I didn't want to stoop to her level but i wanted her to know that I know about her.

And won't tolerate it. I have a support network and she has taken smearing too far.

[gettingoverit]

I understand the need you have to protect your reputation. I was in the same boat. Smearing is what usually happens once BPDs are done with you and have moved on to someone else. I learned that no matter what she said I knew that truth and in the end that is all that matters. People who know you, know the truth also, and the ones that believe her lies are fools just as she is. There is nothing to be lost or gained here. Sooner or later all the lies come out in the wash. My ex told me so many lies about her ex being abusive. When he and I finally chatted after we broke up, it turned out that 95% of the things she told me were hugely exaggerated if not down right lies. It's called a disorder for a reason. You can not combat crazy without going crazy yourself. The best thing you can do is walk away with some integrity and let nature take it's course. If you play into her tit for tat game, it makes you look like just as much of a nutcase as she is (even though all you are trying to do is protect your honour sort of speak). It wont matter. People will look at you and say "Those that protest too much". Walk away, say nothing more and be done with this nighmare of a situation. She was horrible to you, treated you like ___, and then lied about you to others. I am one of those people that will fight to the end if I feel that something unjust has occurred, but in my situation I had to raise my white flag and say "F*ck this", because in the end it was soo not worth it. Raise your white flag and let this crazy b*tch go. You deserve so much better, and in time when you have healed some more, you will realize it as well.

[seeking balance]

Well I didn't want to stoop to her level but i wanted her to know that I know about her.

did you?

And won't tolerate it. I have a support network and she has taken smearing too far.

Can you leave her alone now and focus on you since you have confronted her?

[Diana82]

bentnotbroken>  You speak words of wisdom indeed!

But, it took me literally 3 years to see my ex's dark side. And I was intimately involved with her!

I am a gullible sort of person mind you who has a delayed reaction to lying and manipulation. However, I don't necessarily think people view her as the insane one.

When she used to tell me all her ex's were 'nuts' I  believed her.

She even showed me evidence of their emotional texts etc. One ex of hers sounded crazy (after I saw her texts). And on top of the stories of that ex emotionally bullying my ex... .  it all painted such a bad picture. I didn't doubt my ex for one moment.

But at the time- I failed to see that she was never taking any responsibility for her own actions.  Nothing was her fault apparently.

She plays the victim VERY well. She ought to win an Oscar seriously. She has such intensity about her sob stories. I know she has everyone her neck of the woods fooled.

I just wanted to let her know that I have found out about her lies. And that others know about her lying ways and that I personally will not put up with hearing anymore rubbish

[Diana82]

seeking balance> Yes. 

But if I do hear of more rubbish said about me- I will be taking action.  She's already ruined two other women's credibilities.

I heard this woman has even suffered at work because of this b*tch ex of mine.

[Elsegundo]

Diana:  Have you had a chance to get into therapy to help heal yourself?

It can be amazingly useful.  I'm a fan.

[Diana82]

gettingoverit>  is smearing always done if the exBPD has moved on to someone else?  I am unsure if she has...   she was the type who would be single for years... didn't date many before me.

[Diana82]

elsee>  yes, I am going to my second session next week with a therapist who specialises in BPD.

[Diana82]

I just had to send her the note telling her I know how she operates and that she can't mess with me anymore. I wanted to tell her nobody here thinks she is credible and that I will not put up with nonsense hogwash being spread about me.

I know that sounds threatening- but I think she is dangerous.

She lies about rape attempts and tries to destroy people's reputation in the community by bad mouthing them as stalkers and harassers- when it was her who raged at all of them and cut them off.

[Elsegundo]

Diana:  Great!  Feel like it's a good connection from that session?

[BentNotBroken]

Diana,

You said yourself that your BPD was inconsistent in her stories, and you believed she was lying. As painful as this may be to face, what if EVERYTHING she told you was a lie?

I had several agonizing weeks as I pondered that gem of a question myself. I wanted to believe that at least some of it was true. The fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter. I was lied to hundreds, if not thousands of times by my BPDex. It is a bitter pill to swallow that our entire relationship was built on her lies, but it doesn't make my honesty less honest, my caring and kindness less kind, or my healing less important.

Heal yourself, let BPDex go live in her self-imposed H*LL.

[Diana82]

Elsee>  yes... the Therapist said that she thinks my ex may have BPD with some Bipolar traits.

I told her that my ex's Aunty had some mental issues and basically cut ties with the family and now lives as a spinster alone (never calls them, visits etc). And for no real reason.

I gave some background and that's why she thinks she may also have bipolar traits  eg. the chronic depression plus snappiness is more indicative of Bipolar traits and the other traits Borderline.

She seems to be the only person (outside this forum) who understands what I am going through. Everyone else (although they mean well) don't know and just tell me "forget her she's CRAZY"  and "you dodged a bullet and it's good you found out now!"

they don't understand how awful and disturbing  it's been to realise she has such a dark side and has lied about awful things

[Diana82]

sometimes I just feel so sick inside knowing that I comforted her throughout her 'dark hours'...

comforted her and took her out for the day and bought her flowers... hugged and held her after she told me had almost been 'raped' by her ex.

... .  comforted her throughout her stories of emotional abuse and bullying...

listened to her b*tch about all her 'stalker' type ex's and promise her that I will treat her the best.

[Elsegundo]

I'm glad you found a therapist you like. 

I'm sorry you're so hurt.  So, so hurt.   

 

All of your posts still talk about her feelings, her actions.  What what you say if you could only talk about your feelings, and not repeat any of what she did or said? 

[BentNotBroken]

It took you three years to see the crazy BECAUSE you were involved intimately with her, not in spite of. It took me 15. You got away with a lot less damage than I did. I am healing from this, you can too!

It hurts like hell. I spent many nights crying from a pain I hardly have words for. Those nights are long gone. I am rebuilding me as if she never came into my life to begin with. I don't want to be the bitter, jaded man that had his soul ripped out by the most selfish creature that ever walked the face of the earth. I want to go on older, wiser, and just like she never existed.

[KellyO]

I think in one way or other, we all would like to confront our ex's, and make them see there are values and morals... .  but they are your values and morals. I had to accept my ex does not give a damn about what is right and wrong, it would be like trying to make a blind man see.  You don't let go, because you don't accept she is what she is, and no matter how much you confront her or obsess about her, it won't change. I know it is hard to get there, it will take time and energy and it will hurt. Why do you think so many people (including our ex) don't want to see themselves? Because the pain it makes you feel is almost unbearable.

People will not go through that pain if they don't have a strong sense of right and wrong. As you know, your ex does not have that. Why would she go through anything, when there is you and so many other people she can use as a scapegoat? It is much easier, and scapegoats are plenty. I know you think she should see it is very wrong to be like that, but what can you do about it? Really? Cut her head and replace it with a healthy one? That's what I had to see too, and that was my answer: all I can do is let go of him and try to see what is MY problem when it is so difficult. I'm not normal either.

[LuckyEscapee]

But she is not getting away with it. It is actually obvious to other people as she burns through the small community that you are both a part of. She has a poison tongue and likes to use it, just like my ex. However, she is not getting away with it. Even the people who will listen to her stories, don't really believe them 100%. The wilder the stories get, the more they suspect it is HER, not you or any of her other exes. Let her spin her web of deceit, and soothe her childish ego. You know the truth about you, and so do some of the other people that know both of you.

I found that my ex had a lovely sugary coating, but a very bitter tasting centre. Everyone likes him and his outgoing personality at first meeting, but soon tire of his 'i know better' intensity. This was reinforced by the fact he had no friends, only his siblings. None of his colleagues thought him well either. They were ultimately far better judges of character than me!

He tried to say all my colleagues disliked me, that I was artificial nice, and then I really questioned myself. Well he his gone, and I love work and have fun with my colleagues. Life always lands the right way up in the end I think. Most people aren't so fooled.

[Diana82]

I know this sounds conflicted... .  

but my other ex (before this recent one) confessed openly to lying to me.

And I found out she was continuously lying even after she said she'd stop... her lying went from making up sexual acts she did to betraying me and keeping important information from me.

So I was able to move on very quickly- due to her confession and knowing for certain she is a crazy pathological liar.

However- with this exBPD... I feel such conflicting thoughts even after her callous wipe off. It's hard for me to put in her the same boat.

And feel comfortable with my suspicions.

I have no proof she lied about almost being 'raped'. Only proof that she changed her story dramatically and said it in a context to manipulate me and the story was too inconsistent.

 I also don't have proof that her other ex wasn't emotionally abusive or sexually degrading after all.

I don't have 'proof' that she isn't a real victim.

I do have proof that she lied about having a stalker woman, yes. And this woman is anything but that and confirmed that she got treated the way I did.

But this is why I am conflicted.

Sometimes I feel I am the paranoid crazy one here and she is deliberately choosing not to engage with me- as SHE thinks I am delusional.

Perhaps she is a real victim and is 'messed' because of her past.  

Other times I am convinced... .  NO... .  your gut instincts told you she is messed. She could never be challenged or questioned about her stories or behaviour. She was weirdly defensive and sensitive and prone to snapping. And she has treated you like garbage for expressing your concerns about her *possible* deception. And something is not right about all that

[Diana82]

It was just so much easier to move on from my other ex.

She confessed openly to being a liar. It was clear how unstable she was. So I dealt with the pain and knew that I didn't want a lying crazy like that.

With my exBPD I only had suspicions and got dumped for having those suspicions.

For those that don't know- I told my ex her stories and behaviour are too inconsistent and I don't understand her dramatic shifts and defensiveness.

And I got dumped over that.

So I have all these unanswered questions... I don't know if she was deceptive and she freaked out and ran from fear of exposure.

Or if she ran because I insulted her.

[almost789]

Youll have to realize that the more lies and such she tells its much more likely shell be the one whos seen as crazy, not you. Remember , the people who know and love you know who u are. The others don t matter. Especially ones who believe rumors. I dont feel you stooped to her level. Telling someone to stop telling lies about you is not abusive its assertive. Will it make her stop? Dunno,, probably not.

[gettingoverit]

gettingoverit>  is smearing always done if the exBPD has moved on to someone else?  I am unsure if she has...   she was the type who would be single for years... didn't date many before me.

Hey,

No I don't think smearing necessarily happens when they move on with someone else. I guess I was making an assumption from reading your posts about your ex. Smearing happens at the end of all their relationships it seems. From what I understand, BPDs have a hard time taking responsibility for ANYTHING in their life, so if a relationship of theirs ruptures, it couldn't possibily be their fault. When relationships end for them, they feel a huge sense of shame and the only way to combat that shame is to come up with reasons why the relationship did not work out. Since feelings are facts for them and they can't be at fault for it, it HAS TO BE YOUR FAULT. However in order to make it your fault, they have to justify how they are feeling, this is when they start making up crap about you. They will take things that you have done in the past and told in confidence (and are not proud of) and yell it off the roof tops, and they will make ___ up. The scary thing is that since they are such great professional victims they are very convincing, and often times people will believe their stories of victimhood. But that is life. Sometimes people are going to say things about you that are not true and their is nothing you can do about it. Shrug it off. You have no control over what she says, only what you say and do. Be the bigger person here and walk away with some honor and integrity. You can't fight crazy and win without losing something of yourself.

[gettingoverit]

Oh I also want to add that just because she said she didn't date for years does not necessarily mean it's the truth. She could have been dating someone and then dropped them and told herself they weren't actually dating... .  that crap actually happens. All I know is that nine times out of ten my ex was bull___ting me. She lied about almost everything regarding her past. Just because they say it, doesn't mean it's true. Yes some on here will say that some BPDs can be single for a long period of time, however from what I have read that is usually the exception and not the norm.

[Suzn]

All of your posts still talk about her feelings, her actions.  What what you say if you could only talk about your feelings, and not repeat any of what she did or said?  

This is a great challenge. What would you say Diana?

It hurts like hell. I spent many nights crying from a pain I hardly have words for. Those nights are long gone. I am rebuilding me as if she never came into my life to begin with. I don't want to be the bitter, jaded man that had his soul ripped out by the most selfish creature that ever walked the face of the earth. I want to go on older, wiser, and just like she never existed.

Whoa there! Let's back up. People come into our lives and we can LEARN from them about ourselves. I am truly happy my ex came into my life. Why? Because I didn't realize that because of my OWN issues I was drawn into this relationship and stayed.

This is an excerpt from one of the workshops here at FACING THE FACTS

Resentments are often justified - but are they helpful?  

So how does a little venting hurt us?  When we are resentful, we try to balance the wrongs we feel by demeaning the person that hurt us.  We bash them, feel disgust for them, feel hatred or look down in pity... .  we may even wish them harm or lash out to hurt them or their reputation.

The problem for us is that we create a dysfunctional and false reality to sooth our pain.  And in doing so we cling to a futile need to be right or be superior, which overrides our capacity to heal and to make healthy changes in our lives... .  usually because we don't know any other way to come to grips with the painful feelings of hurt, rejection, and abandonment.  

At bpdfamily.com, the staff has had the opportunity to watch 1,000s of members process the failure of a BPD relationship and clearly, those that exhibit the most vitriol and resentment are the last to heal - if they heal at all.  Lets face it, the hallmark of a BPD relationship is emotional immaturity by both partners.  The idea that one partner was healthy (loving and giving) and the other partner was dysfunctional is seriously flawed.  BPD is a real mental illness and a person with this disorder will have a history of failed relationships.   However, an emotionally mature and grounded person does not get into such relationships and even if they accidentally fell into one, they would reassess their decision process and values, make changes - not get caught up in extended makeup/breakup cycles and come back time and time again.

When we are caught up in the resentment, it obscures both our vision and motivation to identify and resolve the issues that plagued us in the relationship... .  such as relationship skill (e.g., selecting emotionally impared partners, confusing sex with love, etc.) or even things like our own issues (e.g., co-dependency, narcissistic, schizoid or other traits) or immature.

You can find the rest of the workshop here: US: Has the anger gone too far?

Read and use the workshops and lessons to learn about you and your behaviors. Work on learning the tools to gain the confidence that you can start setting boundaries for yourself so you can "dodge a bullet" before it is even fired in the future.  

[BentNotBroken]

Not to hijack the thread, but to clarify:

I am taking the lessons learned and building a better life, not ignoring the experience of 15+ years with a high-functioning, extremely intelligent BPD. Yes, it was foolish of me to keep forgiving bad behavior, and overlooking red flags to keep the relationship going. Each time I thought she had turned a corner with her behavior, it was just more heavily concealed deception. I basically stopped looking at things closely, because I was probably afraid of what I would find.

I was also dealing with a major chronic illness, and basically struggling to survive for several years. When I went in for surgery that I did not expect to survive (I even finished getting my affairs in order the night before surgery), BPDex made it all about herself, which I didn't pay close attention to as I was just glad to be alive afterwards.

By no means should any of us ignore lessons learned in a BPD relationship, but I find it disingenuous to continuously paint all nons with a broad brush of 'having serious issues or else they never would have gotten into or stayed in the relationship', while the "overgeneralizing" statements about BPDs are to be avoided like the plague. It sounds oversimplified and hypocritical.

If we look at the unhealthy attachment to a BPD as a metaphorical 'physical connection', is it better to sever it cleanly with a "sharp knife" or is it better to peel back one fiber at a time while constantly rehashing all of their "good qualities" that often kept us on the fence for years-- hoping that they would change, or that a bad behavior was acceptable because it was balanced out by a good behavior/quality?

I say use the sharp knife, sever the attachment completely, and see the BPD for what they really are: mentally ill, selfish, and ultimately a destructive force in any intimate relationship regardless of the good that may later come from self-reflection. Stop giving the BPD credit for "guiding me to self-reflection" or whatever. I already practiced self-reflection long before my BPD relationship started, and it did not prevent the damage that I incurred. I do not blame my parents or FOO for choices that I willingly made, that seemed to be the best ones to make at the time. I am an adult, and I am responsible for my own actions, but I am not responsible for the actions of others nor will I let them have 'equal footing' with healthy adults when they have a destructive mental illness.

My advice is this: sever the attachment completely, then look inward for personal flaws that contributed to the dysfunctional relationship. Be relentless, be gentle, be brutal, ask questions, ask the mirror opposites of those questions, get down to the truth. Fix what you can fix. Don't sugarcoat bad behavior--theirs or yours.

You can flower it up all you want, but I am not going to give credit to my BPDex for "making my life better." She didn't. I loved her with all of my heart, I sacrificed everything I had to give for her, and she continues to attack me in almost every way possible more than a year after our relationship ended. She continues to abuse me and abuse our son. Every lie she spews about me costs me thousands of dollars in legal fees, that could be spent to better our son's life. She has attacked other people financially, professionally, legally, and illegally in attempts to cover up her own bad behavior. She has no real concern for anyone but herself. She is quite nearly a sociopath.

The best outcome I can hope for is that she eventually gets mental health treatment for her BPD so that she doesn't destroy our son's life before he gets the chance to make his own mistakes and learn from them, just like we all do.

edit: I just realized that Suzn baited me and I fell for it. The very next line after the one she highlighted explains my current state very succinctly-

I don't want to be the bitter, jaded man that had his soul ripped out by the most selfish creature that ever walked the face of the earth. I want to go on older, wiser, and just like she never existed.

older-After 15+ years with BPDex

wiser-Lessons learned and applied

Like she never existed-Loving with all of my heart, holding nothing back, giving without expectations, not burdening others with the scars caused by my ex, treating others with kindness, respect, and dignity


Getting back to Diana's topic:

Dig into what hurts and why. Try to disregard BPDex's actions once you have them on paper. Look at your own actions. Ask why it hurts so bad when your reputation is attacked. Is it because you feel like you will be left completely abandoned by all your friends in the community? Is it a threat to your job? Where/what is the danger if everyone thinks you are what she claims? Dig in, the truth is within you.

[Suzn]

By no means should any of us ignore lessons learned in a BPD relationship, but I find it disingenuous to continuously paint all nons with a broad brush of 'having serious issues or else they never would have gotten into or stayed in the relationship', while the "overgeneralizing" statements about BPDs are to be avoided like the plague. It sounds oversimplified and hypocritical.

Staying right on track... .  the hallmark of a BPD relationship is emotional IMmaturity of both partners. Focusing on their issues and what they have "done" to us keeps us "stuck" in victim hood. We don't have any time to look within while we are engrossed in taking someone else's inventory do we? We are not victims of these relationships... .  you are right... .  we chose to stay in them.

BNB I would love to discuss your view of this further if you would care to start another thread. No one has painted a disingenuous picture of nons here.