Did I do the right thing?

[Up In the Air]

A few months ago my husband and I decided pull away from his unBPD mother and father. This was made easy by moving out of state for my husband's job. Long story short, for those of you who haven't read my other posts, his mom refuses to get help despite how much the family has urged her to do so. My hubby has a lifetime of abuse, manipulation, and frustration from dealing with his parents (mostly his mother). Things got worse when we got engaged and married and after I could no longer take her drama, I went to therapy. That's when I found out about BPD.

Recently, my husband and his parents had owned a house together which we were living in before moving. We paid them monthly mortgage payments. We put in all the expenses and time to renovate it, without their help. We listed the house with a realtor and when we got an offer in December, his parents flipped out, tried to keep the house (even though they had previously agreed that selling it would be the best thing and signed all the contracts). They lied about the contract, verbally abused our realtor. In the end my husband threatened to sue them, they gave in and wrote off the debt if we signed the house over to them. This, while we wouldn't have walked away with much money any way, made us angry for all the work we had done. But since we were caught paying two mortgages a month, we agreed.

The whole thing pretty much made my husband and I feel that cutting off communication and ending the relationship (at least for now) is the best thing. The problem: my MIL is now contacting my mother, who in the past has been very friendly with her. They used to go out to lunch, hang out, etc, before my husband and I even met. My MIL is so good at hiding her illness that it took me letting the cat out of the bag for my mom to see how huge the manipulation/punishing/drama games are with my MIL.

We had told my parents about the situation with my in-laws and my mom, after knowing many of the other things that have happened over the last couple years, has decided she does not want to be friends with my MIL any longer. My MIL is calling and emailing her wanting to get together. We all know this is a ploy to get information about us and to justify screwing us out of a deal with the house. My mom is feeling pressured, but doesn't know what to do and called me last night for advice.

I told her that it would be best if she wrote her or called her and explained that she didn't know all the details, but she was aware of the circumstances and that she needed to back off from the friendship at least for a time to figure out how she feels about it all. I told her this because that way if she decides in the future to continue the friendship, the bridge isn't burnt.

I feel strange giving her advice because I don't know what the right thing for her to do is and I don't want to see my mom being manipulated and taken advantage of. Did I do the right thing?

[Rose Tiger]

That is a toughy.  Your mom is of course going to support you.  That kind of manipulation and difficulty, who wants to be around that?  I do think it is best if you mom says nothing other than, sorry, I am so busy!  Otherwise things escalate, triangulate, and get messy.  Your mom doesn't owe the MIL any explanations.  A simple no, this is not a good time is suffice.

[WrongWoman]

That is a toughy.  Your mom is of course going to support you.  That kind of manipulation and difficulty, who wants to be around that?  I do think it is best if you mom says nothing other than, sorry, I am so busy!  Otherwise things escalate, triangulate, and get messy.  Your mom doesn't owe the MIL any explanations.  A simple no, this is not a good time is suffice.

I agree, especially that your mother doesn't owe your MIL any explanation.  None whatsoever.  "I'm not available" is sufficient.  For your mom to get into explanations with your MIL will just lead to more badgering on the MIL's part.  Your mother is your mother, and that your MIL can't see that your mother's loyalty lies rightly with you is part of your MIL's disordered thinking. 

[Up In the Air]

Thank you! I just didn't have peace about the advice I gave her. I agree that she should keep her answer short and sweet. I appreciate your input!