idealization

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey freshlysane  



Man to man, my brother... .  

I deeply empathize with many of your expressed feelings and thoughts here.  In my case, my wife is able to acknowledge her issues.  Until the disorder kicks in.  And I frequently triggered her disorder.

This does not make me a bad man.  Unless I change, I am a hurtful match for her, and she for me.

What I have learned is that learning about BPD and seeking therapy and doing things for myself, I am slowly becoming a better man - my wife is not the only person I care about in this world, though I love her and loved her as best I can and could.  AND I made mistakes and became emotionally dysregulated myself, etc., etc.

One of the most painful things for ME to acknowledge is that her previous husband was a better match for her - at least in one very critical aspect.  He did not engage emotionally when she escalated.  My emotions controlled me to some degree before I met her, and to a near-absolute degree by the time we separated.  I compromised my values in order to pacify my fear of losing her or her having an affair.  It hurts like hell to admit someone might be better for our love - even in some aspects.  But if it is true, and we reject that or bury ourselves in depression because of it, we are acting every bit as disordered as our troubled woman.

You have this awesome gift - to want to help her out of love.  To self-sacrifice in order to do so.  In my own personal experience, that similar drive in me combined with my fears and her disorder - to bring out hurtful behaviors in me - behaviors that are unhealthy - behaviors that hurt her - and me - and many others I care for.

I would never say that I can not help her.  I do say with absolute confidence that I can not fix her.  And I can, and have, hurt her.  (and she has hurt me) I could not accept the consequences of holding fast to my values, and therefore I acted in opposition to my values - increasingly so over the years - and I have justified myself out of misguided 'love' for her, I lost much of myself and become an even more damaging 'match' for her.

And I was wrong.  And it is not all my fault.  And I am human.  And I can change.  And it all hurts.

You can help others.  You may be able to help her at some point.  But not if you do not change.  Learn and abide by your values.  You may never get the chance to help her.  You just might.  You may even have the opportunity to try again (BPD's do recycle previous partners - not a given, but it is possible and may be probable).  Even if you become perfectly stable, supportive, loving, emotionally independent, and you get the recycle chance - she may still place you as the villain in the Karpman triangle and leave you anyway.  Or that may help her to lead a happier and more fulfilling life with you - but that will be her choice.  BUT - if you do NOT learn and CHANGE and become emotionally independent, confident, strong, able to hold your values in the face of threats of abandonment and emotional storms, you will not have a successful and helpful relationship with her unless SHE changes to support and lift up YOU.  :)oes that sound likely?

well, as my daddy used to say, "thems your choices" - and this is only my semi-learned opinion based on experience and informal education.

Take Good Care of Yourself - you are a good man, and there are people in your life now and in the future who will benefit by knowing you.

Michael

[morningagain]

Hey freshlysane  



Man to man, my brother... .  

I deeply empathize with many of your expressed feelings and thoughts here.  In my case, my wife is able to acknowledge her issues.  Until the disorder kicks in.  And I frequently triggered her disorder.

This does not make me a bad man.  Unless I change, I am a hurtful match for her, and she for me.

What I have learned is that learning about BPD and seeking therapy and doing things for myself, I am slowly becoming a better man - my wife is not the only person I care about in this world, though I love her and loved her as best I can and could.  AND I made mistakes and became emotionally dysregulated myself, etc., etc.

One of the most painful things for ME to acknowledge is that her previous husband was a better match for her - at least in one very critical aspect.  He did not engage emotionally when she escalated.  My emotions controlled me to some degree before I met her, and to a near-absolute degree by the time we separated.  I compromised my values in order to pacify my fear of losing her or her having an affair.  It hurts like hell to admit someone might be better for our love - even in some aspects.  But if it is true, and we reject that or bury ourselves in depression because of it, we are acting every bit as disordered as our troubled woman.

You have this awesome gift - to want to help her out of love.  To self-sacrifice in order to do so.  In my own personal experience, that similar drive in me combined with my fears and her disorder - to bring out hurtful behaviors in me - behaviors that are unhealthy - behaviors that hurt her - and me - and many others I care for.

I would never say that I can not help her.  I do say with absolute confidence that I can not fix her.  And I can, and have, hurt her.  (and she has hurt me) I could not accept the consequences of holding fast to my values, and therefore I acted in opposition to my values - increasingly so over the years - and I have justified myself out of misguided 'love' for her, I lost much of myself and become an even more damaging 'match' for her.

And I was wrong.  And it is not all my fault.  And I am human.  And I can change.  And it all hurts.

You can help others.  You may be able to help her at some point.  But not if you do not change.  Learn and abide by your values.  You may never get the chance to help her.  You just might.  You may even have the opportunity to try again (BPD's do recycle previous partners - not a given, but it is possible and may be probable).  Even if you become perfectly stable, supportive, loving, emotionally independent, and you get the recycle chance - she may still place you as the villain in the Karpman triangle and leave you anyway.  Or that may help her to lead a happier and more fulfilling life with you - but that will be her choice.  BUT - if you do NOT learn and CHANGE and become emotionally independent, confident, strong, able to hold your values in the face of threats of abandonment and emotional storms, you will not have a successful and helpful relationship with her unless SHE changes to support and lift up YOU.  :)oes that sound likely?

well, as my daddy used to say, "thems your choices" - and this is only my semi-learned opinion based on experience and informal education.

Take Good Care of Yourself - you are a good man, and there are people in your life now and in the future who will benefit by knowing you.

Michael

[freshlySane]

Hey freshlysane  



Man to man, my brother... .  

I deeply empathize with many of your expressed feelings and thoughts here.  In my case, my wife is able to acknowledge her issues.  Until the disorder kicks in.  And I frequently triggered her disorder.

This does not make me a bad man.  Unless I change, I am a hurtful match for her, and she for me.

What I have learned is that learning about BPD and seeking therapy and doing things for myself, I am slowly becoming a better man - my wife is not the only person I care about in this world, though I love her and loved her as best I can and could.  AND I made mistakes and became emotionally dysregulated myself, etc., etc.

One of the most painful things for ME to acknowledge is that her previous husband was a better match for her - at least in one very critical aspect.  He did not engage emotionally when she escalated.  My emotions controlled me to some degree before I met her, and to a near-absolute degree by the time we separated.  I compromised my values in order to pacify my fear of losing her or her having an affair.  It hurts like hell to admit someone might be better for our love - even in some aspects.  But if it is true, and we reject that or bury ourselves in depression because of it, we are acting every bit as disordered as our troubled woman.

You have this awesome gift - to want to help her out of love.  To self-sacrifice in order to do so.  In my own personal experience, that similar drive in me combined with my fears and her disorder - to bring out hurtful behaviors in me - behaviors that are unhealthy - behaviors that hurt her - and me - and many others I care for.

I would never say that I can not help her.  I do say with absolute confidence that I can not fix her.  And I can, and have, hurt her.  (and she has hurt me) I could not accept the consequences of holding fast to my values, and therefore I acted in opposition to my values - increasingly so over the years - and I have justified myself out of misguided 'love' for her, I lost much of myself and become an even more damaging 'match' for her.

And I was wrong.  And it is not all my fault.  And I am human.  And I can change.  And it all hurts.

You can help others.  You may be able to help her at some point.  But not if you do not change.  Learn and abide by your values.  You may never get the chance to help her.  You just might.  You may even have the opportunity to try again (BPD's do recycle previous partners - not a given, but it is possible and may be probable).  Even if you become perfectly stable, supportive, loving, emotionally independent, and you get the recycle chance - she may still place you as the villain in the Karpman triangle and leave you anyway.  Or that may help her to lead a happier and more fulfilling life with you - but that will be her choice.  BUT - if you do NOT learn and CHANGE and become emotionally independent, confident, strong, able to hold your values in the face of threats of abandonment and emotional storms, you will not have a successful and helpful relationship with her unless SHE changes to support and lift up YOU.  :)oes that sound likely?

well, as my daddy used to say, "thems your choices" - and this is only my semi-learned opinion based on experience and informal education.

Take Good Care of Yourself - you are a good man, and there are people in your life now and in the future who will benefit by knowing you.

Michael

that made me tear up a little a perfect stranger telling me i am a good man i am sorry i haven't heard that in over 3 years ... .  I want to start the journey of self ... .  I am joining the Army Something i always wanted to do  a new adventure a new life and a way to toughen me up and learn to be Strong again Thanks Micheal thank all you guys

[morningagain]

that made me tear up a little a perfect stranger telling me i am a good man i am sorry i haven't heard that in over 3 years ... .  I want to start the journey of self ... .  I am joining the Army Something i always wanted to do  a new adventure a new life and a way to toughen me up and learn to be Strong again Thanks Micheal thank all you guys

freshlySane - GodSpeed.  Get strong, stay strong.  Do right.  And thank you for your sacrifice.

Michael

[seeking balance]

now i feel like i missed my chance that if i had did my research and listened to my friends i could of helped her and wed probably be on the road to recovery together

That is not at all what is intended by saying she could be in a lasting relationship with someone else.

The fact is - every single one of us are unique with different boundaries, core values and communication styles.  Frankly, I am not set up to do a BPD relationship as one of my core values is truth in action and words... .  this is not something very likely to happen with a BPD.

If your ex were on the road to recovery - it is a very, very long process.  Most of the time that process does involve somewhat of a separation because you will need just as much work as she does... .  and that work is done alone usually.  The best example of a success story is Steph (you can read her member file posts).  

Have you had some time to read the articles, lessons, workshops and books on BPD?  

I can tell you are upset - and these relationships are emotionally devastating.  Trying to find comfort in the fact she is always going to be miserable is not really going to help in the long term.

Being cheated on and left sucks - it just does.  The BPD dynamics that happen before the final break can make us feel crazy - at least it did to me.  Ultimately, the facts helped me detach and part of learning the facts were that I just don't want a "chosen" BPD relationship.

You will be ok - you do deserve better than you were treated - this life is about you.

Peace,

SB

[freshlySane]

now i feel like i missed my chance that if i had did my research and listened to my friends i could of helped her and wed probably be on the road to recovery together

That is not at all what is intended by saying she could be in a lasting relationship with someone else.

The fact is - every single one of us are unique with different boundaries, core values and communication styles.  Frankly, I am not set up to do a BPD relationship as one of my core values is truth in action and words... .  this is not something very likely to happen with a BPD.

If your ex were on the road to recovery - it is a very, very long process.  Most of the time that process does involve somewhat of a separation because you will need just as much work as she does... .  and that work is done alone usually.  The best example of a success story is Steph (you can read her member file posts).  

Have you had some time to read the articles, lessons, workshops and books on BPD?  

I can tell you are upset - and these relationships are emotionally devastating.  Trying to find comfort in the fact she is always going to be miserable is not really going to help in the long term.

Being cheated on and left sucks - it just does.  The BPD dynamics that happen before the final break can make us feel crazy - at least it did to me.  Ultimately, the facts helped me detach and part of learning the facts were that I just don't want a "chosen" BPD relationship.

You will be ok - you do deserve better than you were treated - this life is about you.

Peace,

SB

then i need to read more on the lessons to help me detach

[Gaslit]

freshlySane, please don't leave this forum with false hope.

Take the disorder out of the equation for a second, you have someone who clearly wants different things than you. That is a deal breaker for her, and for most people. The end.

Add borderline, enmeshment, the push/pull, etc., and it is a mighty big mess.

Bottom line, a relationship requires two people to be equals, and both try and both want it.

You can change yourself 180 degrees, but you are only half the equation. It's easy to have magical thinking and wonder if you would have done this or that, etc. I don't think it would have mattered.

I suggest you keep reading stories. See the recycles, the promises, and the same endings.

[seeking balance]

now i feel like i missed my chance that if i had did my research and listened to my friends i could of helped her and wed probably be on the road to recovery together

That is not at all what is intended by saying she could be in a lasting relationship with someone else.

The fact is - every single one of us are unique with different boundaries, core values and communication styles.  Frankly, I am not set up to do a BPD relationship as one of my core values is truth in action and words... .  this is not something very likely to happen with a BPD.

If your ex were on the road to recovery - it is a very, very long process.  Most of the time that process does involve somewhat of a separation because you will need just as much work as she does... .  and that work is done alone usually.  The best example of a success story is Steph (you can read her member file posts).  

Have you had some time to read the articles, lessons, workshops and books on BPD?  

I can tell you are upset - and these relationships are emotionally devastating.  Trying to find comfort in the fact she is always going to be miserable is not really going to help in the long term.

Being cheated on and left sucks - it just does.  The BPD dynamics that happen before the final break can make us feel crazy - at least it did to me.  Ultimately, the facts helped me detach and part of learning the facts were that I just don't want a "chosen" BPD relationship.

You will be ok - you do deserve better than you were treated - this life is about you.

Peace,

SB

then i need to read more on the lessons to help me detach

great idea! 

Honestly, the more I learned, the more I realize my definition of love (as a verb) and relationship is very different than someone with BPD.  I likely would never be fully happy or even healthy in that relationship.

Does this mean I didn't love my ex or didn't do everything in my power - no

But given the choice, which is ultmitaly what she gave me by leaving - this is not the kind of relationship that I want.

Hang in there - it gets better.