My therapist doesn't get it. Hurting.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Everyone,

I am off to work, third week back in my career, and am barely getting through each day.  Hurting, hurting, hurting.  On the verge of tears all the time.  It has been since November that I have seen him.  How am I going to live my life like this?  I can't do it.  My therapist said yesterday, "I need you to channel the word ACCEPTANCE."  I just cried harder.

[cookiecrumbled]

Everyone,

I am off to work, third week back in my career, and am barely getting through each day.  Hurting, hurting, hurting.  On the verge of tears all the time.  It has been since November that I have seen him.  How am I going to live my life like this?  I can't do it.  My therapist said yesterday, "I need you to channel the word ACCEPTANCE."  I just cried harder.

[lost not dead]

Acceptence is the key word. If you had a fish and expected him to fetch a ball then you are not accepting that he is a fish. You dont have accept what was done to you just accept the fact of who you were dealing with. We can often exuse the little things the people we love do that upset us but when you deal with a disordered person you exhaust your resorces. Realize what you are dealing with and accept theim for being disordered but do not excuse the violations of your boundries. When he accept what he is then maybe change can happen but you cannot change him.

[waitaminute]

I believe it was in the eggshells book that I read "dont take it personally".

Sounds like a trite phrase that  doesn't help much. But it made all the sense in the world to me. I know she treats everyone the same way... .    Everyone including her family, who I saw reach outtto her. I saw her treat another guy who was her only connection to peace the same way. Her other guy friends get same treatment but only when they get close. The one female friend she had during our rs has now been painted blacker than black. She does idealize some past friends but has no contact with them. The people on the bus, the cleaning lady, the neighbor, the woman on the street, the helpful councilor, the salesman, the landlord... .  All are split and end up on the black side. Incapable of feeling with more than a child's whimsical swings, she could not (as opposed to would not... .  As though conscious rational choice was involved) accept a loving, caring two-way relationship.

Don't take it personally.

[Beenreplaced]

onetoughcookie,

I completely understand what you are going through and you are not alone.  The first few months are so very hard.  I cried in the ladies room at work for months.  What you feel is normal after a relationship with a BPD.  They have opened core wounds and you have to do some soul searching now.  Things will ease with time and get better. You are feeling abandoned right now but know that this person is not the key to your happiness.  Be kind to yourself and just feel it, don't fight it.  I want to quote something from 2010 that helped me. 

To be whole, let yourself break.

To be straight, let yourself bend.

To be full, let yourself be empty.

To be new, let yourself wear out.

"Suffer what there is to suffer and enjoy what there is to enjoy and regard these both as facts of life"

BR

[almost789]

Everyone,

I am off to work (third week back in my career as a civil defense trial lawyer) and am barely getting through each day.  Hurting, hurting, hurting.  On the verge of tears all the time.  It has been since November that I have seen him.  How am I going to live my life like this?  I can't do it.  My therapist said yesterday, "I need you to channel the word ACCEPTANCE."  I just cried harder.

Hi Onetoughcookie,

It's true acceptance is key. But it's the last stage of grieving. Like another poster in the "leaving" thread basically said. You will know when you get there! You therapist can't tell you when, only you. The stages don't follow sequencial order. You can be in any number of these stages at anytime. Which state do you think your in?

Abandonment Cycle The Five Stages

If your relationship partner left you or if you left because you felt you had no choice, you will likely pass through an abandonment cycle.

Shattering - Your relationship is breaking apart. Your hopes and dreams are Shattered. You are devastated, bewildered. You succumb to despair and panic. You feel hopeless and have Suicidal feelings. You feel Symbiotically attached to your lost love, mortally wounded, as if you’ll die without them. You are in Severe pain, Shock, Sorrow. You’ve been Severed from your primary attachment. You’re cut off from your emotional life-line.

Withdrawl – painful Withdrawal from your lost love. The more time goes on, the more all of the needs your partner was meeting begin to impinge into your every Waking moment. You are in Writhing pain from being torn apart. You yearn, ache, and Wait for them to return. Love-withdrawal is just like Heroin Withdrawal – - each involves the body’s opiate system and the same physical symptoms of intense craving. During Withdrawal, you are feeling the Wrenching pain of love-loss and separation – - the Wasting, Weight loss, Wakefulness, Wishful thinking, and Waiting for them to return. You crave a love-fix to put you out of the WITHDRAWAL symptoms.

Internalizing – you Internalize the rejection and cause Injury to your self esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. You are preoccupied with ‘If only regrets’ – - If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self Image.

Anger – the turning point in the grief process when you begin to fight back. You attempt to Reverse the Rejection by Refusing to accept all of the blame for the failed relationship, and feel surges of Rage against your abandoner. You Rail against the pain and isolation you’ve been in. Agitated depression and spurts of anger displaced on your friends and family are common during this turbulent time, as are Revenge and Retaliation fantasies toward your abandoner.

Lifting – your anger helped to externalize your pain. Gradually, as your energy spurts outward, it Lifts you back into Life. You begin to Let go. Life distracts you and gradually Lifts you out the grief cycle. You feel the emergence of strength, wiser for the painful Lessons you’ve Learned. And if you’re engaged in the process of recovery, you get ready to Love again.

[gina louise]

onetoughcookie

Do you like and trust your therapist? Maybe you need a new one who will let you take as long as it takes to get over the r/s? To Look at your FOO issues and examine why you felt so good/normal in a dysfunctional r/s. It's tough but crucial to YOUR healing.

I would say a couple months mourning for a lost or broken r/s that was not long term is OK with a normal partner but with a BPD person everything is magnified and intensified.

The highs are higher and the eventual lows are lower -add to that no closure, no apologies, no admission of fault from our stbxBPDh... and you get a really painful stew of backwash after they are gone.

Lots of painfully unanswered questions and broken promises. It's shattering.

No matter how it happened.

If you need more time-YOU NEED MORE TIME! Your therapist is rushing you. If you rush through this you may be destined to repeat the pattern that got you into it!

just my 2 cents,

GL

[seeking balance]

Everyone,

I am off to work (third week back in my career as a civil defense trial lawyer) and am barely getting through each day.  Hurting, hurting, hurting.  On the verge of tears all the time.  It has been since November that I have seen him.  How am I going to live my life like this?  I can't do it.  My therapist said yesterday, "I need you to channel the word ACCEPTANCE."  I just cried harder.

You won't feel like this forever - honestly.

I had a few months where I was on the verge of tears all the time - eventually it gets better.  Tears are an important part to getting to acceptance.

If it gets too bad (you have to be the judge of that) - you can always go to your Dr. for some short term meds.

Again, this is normal - hang in there!

SB

[HardTruth]

No one can force you into acceptance.  You just have to get there naturally.

I wish I could magically put myself into "acceptance" too, when I'm hurting!  But it's not a switch that you can just turn off and on. 

I had a really hard break-up 9 years ago.  I went from being a generally happy person to having constant suicidal thoughts for a year, and continued suicidal thoughts for another 2 years, but not as intense.  I was in counseling during that time, and with time and effort I was able to work through some of my ___ to make things better.  Acceptance came gradually. 

When your friends or therapist look at it intellectually, it seems so "logical" what "you need to do".  But for those of us who have experienced it, it is not logical that way.  It takes effort and personal work to get there.

Just keep hanging in there and doing your best.  I do really like the quote from 2010 that BeenReplaced posted.  I prayed and prayed and asked the bodhisattva's to please have mercy on me and come and help me.  I read a surrender prayer at night before bed and gave it up - my pain and suffering - to the Divine.

Eventually things got better and acceptance came in it's own time.  It will with you too, I think.

[nylonsquid]

Onetoughcookie,

It must be so hard right now for you. I'm reminded of 2012 and I honestly sometimes burst into tears AT work during meetings that I had to run and excuse myself. I had almost 6+ months of seemingly endless cycles of pain. But I tell you it will pass with understanding and that is the way to acceptance. That's how it worked with me. I reluctantly recycled after I shed so much pain to live with the disorder and see for myself. This has helped me accept things. She has left me just recently and is very likely with a replacement. I'm very okay with it and feel no anger. I've just accepted this. But know that through understanding and knowledge you will eventually get to acceptance. Don't jump steps and feel you just have to accept. Instead, understand the situation as much as you can. You will go through this and it will pass.

[Rose Tiger]

Hey Cookiegirl,

I remember how bad I felt, I told my therapist, I don't want to go on.  I spent time thinking about ways to end the pain, drive off a cliff and thoughts like that.  I did.  I was hurting so bad that I thought about exit stage right a lot.  I didn't want to be in a world where people were so cruel.  I did not want to be here.  It was a very dark place for a while.  A small voice was saying, hang in there.  I cried so much.  The grief was overwhelming at times.

I felt so small and scared.  So alone.  I don't like your T saying acceptance.  Like what you are feeling isn't right.  :)idn't we hear enough of that when we were in the relationship?  Your feelings aren't wrong.  This kind of betrayal is devastating.  It is.  IT IS.  Realize that your pain is valid, it's warranted.  It is also date stamped and it's not going to hurt this bad forever.  Hang in there.  

[stoic83]

Hey toughcookie,

I am struggling with work too... .  as an inventor/software developer... .  there are a lot of people depending on me to pull it together and finish a complicated project I've been working on for 3 years. It is so hard to focus on work when my brain is tired from trying to figure everything out... .  

My T triggered me a bit today. i think that it is important you tell your T how you feel about what she said... .  it could be enlightening for her and you.

My T wants me to tell her anything she says that bothers me... .  since Im very sensitive right now, I find that I am hurt from things which in the past would not hurt me. Maybe you heard things in a certain way that reminded you of something painful?

I know that when my T said "dude, you are so black and white" today it really triggered me. She never calls me dude, but I told her I had to look at her as a friend to trust her... .  so maybe she thought this is what a friend would say to me? In any case it made me think that she thinks im PD... .  since PD's are splitters... .  but maybe she knows that I am splittling right now because of my ex's PD and is trying to make me self aware.

[I am also aware that if I was in tip-top shape right now, I would not be so analytical]

My T talks about radical acceptance and wise-mind strategies which are both DBT. In either case, I think it is good to go through a bit of DBT which can treat the fleas... .  

I am starting to see how irrational I am acting. I mean you are a frigging trial attorney. It must be very painful for you to fill so weak and vulnerable right now... .  but I totally understand and I am sorry because I know that having a high stress position compounds these issues we are having.

I too feel like my ex is etched in to my brain... .  I think the acceptance is the idea that we are going to be suffering for a bit and so there is no sense fighting against it... .  

My suggestion would be to let the therapist know how you perceived her comment and attitude... .  I projected on to my T a bit and thought she was being sarcastic when she wasn't... .  

Either way, by voicing your feelings and thoughts about what she said... .  you are reclaiming your boundaries and a more open communication style which you couldn't have with your ex, right?

I don't have any healthy women in my life right now... .  so it's better that I observe where I might be misconstruing other people's comments as I am "annoying" or there is "something wrong with me or my feelings". This is what our ex's told us so it would make sense that we are looking for validation that our ex's were right about us... .  

In any case, my ex was wrong about me... .  but I still feel crazy and like it's my fault. I am accepting the fact that I might feel like that, but logically it is not true. I might not need to accept any hard truths about her, but I can accept my feelings and also the fact that even though it is not logical why I became so entangled with her, that it is OK:)

I also accept the fact that I am anxious and depressed, and that this is not going to go away right now... .  but that ultimately it is better than the alternative. If you need any more VALIDATION ON WHY YOUR EX IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU than go read the staying board!

Give all the shame back to your abusers and apologize to any friends and family (for those of you whose family isn't extremely toxic for you right now, like mine) who had to endure something which they are ignorant to... .  mainly the fact that we gave so much of our valuable selves to something that has done (almost) nothing but bring us down!

I love all you guys... .  stay strong and I promise we will all receive our karmic retribution if we have acted in good conscience in our relationship. No pain, no gain!

[Confusedandhurt]

Hi Cookie,

It never helps me to be told something like that either.  After all, does anyone really know what the word "acceptance" really means?  Sure, you can look it up in the dictionary, but in reality, it still hurts.  You still feel empty.  You still long for just one minute of compassion from him.

What you're going through is so hard - like you need me to tell you that!  Like you, I keep wondering if it will ever feel better.  The fact that you're making it through each day with a demanding job says a lot about your character and your values.  I'm not smart enough to offer any advice, so I'll offer my full support.  And, you have the support of so many on this board.

Take care and know that you're cared for... .  

[stoic83]

Hi Cookie,

  I'm not smart enough to offer any advice, so I'll offer my full support.  And, you have the support of so many on this board.

Take care and know that you're cared for... .  

Yeah Cookie, sorry for offering advice in lieu of support. I am just frustrated that anybody has to feel like this. Guess I should go drink some acceptance tea as well . My therapist may have invalidated me and I could be projecting... .  In any case my heart was in the right place. Im actually a little worried about my T too... .  guess I need to go rescue myself. My gut tells me that she couldn't understand what I am going through unless she worked with nons in and out of BPD relationships... .  is this right?

In any case the T i have is all i can afford... .  35/hr at the community center... .  wish I had the luxury of health insurance so I could find a specialist! Anybody have advice for Cookie and I in case we need to find someone who will understand exactly what we are going through?

Without my exwBPD around nobody to listen to my advice except me!

I understand how you and others may feel about "advice giving" and intention was to be supportive:) This is a learning experience for us all! Even those of us who have a hard time "just" being supportive and want to make things better.

Best

Stoic

[patientandclear]

Hi Cookie:

That is some bad advise.

First, I think what you experienced is almost the hardest dose of BPD breakup--out of the blue, with no warning, total loss, except his one brief return while you were in the hospital. It's almost impossible to process that.

It's very literally a trauma.  Your T needs to grasp that. If he/she doesn't, you need someone else.

Because of the instant swing from someone professing total love to being completely gone, this is very like the loss of a life partner to a sudden accident. If that's what happened, no one would be telling you to suck it up a few months later.  It takes a long time to mourn such a loss, even if it's cmprehensible, i.e., we understand there are shootings & car accidents, we just never thought it would happen to our partner. Hefre, we hadno idea this could happen--that someone could be so deeply present & committed, & then just leave, saying they don't even know why.

It's taken me 18 months to be close to basically functional.  And I've worked really, really hard at it. I think your T has no comprehension of what you are dealing with.

[stoic83]

Hi Cookie:

That is some bad advise.

First, I think what you experienced is almost the hardest dose of BPD breakup--out of the blue, with no warning, total loss, except his one brief return while you were in the hospital. It's almost impossible to process that.

It's very literally a trauma.  Your T needs to grasp that. If he/she doesn't, you need someone else.

Because of the instant swing from someone professing total love to being completely gone, this is very like the loss of a life partner to a sudden accident. If that's what happened, no one would be telling you to suck it up a few months later.  It takes a long time to mourn such a loss, even if it's cmprehensible, i.e., we understand there are shootings & car accidents, we just never thought it would happen to our partner. Hefre, we hadno idea this could happen--that someone could be so deeply present & committed, & then just leave, saying they don't even know why.

It's taken me 18 months to be close to basically functional.  And I've worked really, really hard at it. I think your T has no comprehension of what you are dealing with.

I think im totally out of touch with my emotions... .  patientandclear this is exactly what has happened to me, a number of times... .  maybe I am at a different place, just because it's happened over and over... .  I think I've reached a threshold of emotional pain to where my system is just not even working right now. It's called compassion fatigue... .  I think. My exwBPD moved in with me and relapsed and left out of the blue 3 days after telling me i was the love of her life and 2 weeks after we got a dog together. She had 15 months sober, and her dad just died... .  so trust me I know what this feels like.

I dont want to spend the next 18 months healing... .  I wish there was a quick fix... .  that is why I just want to accept this. Ive been through this nightmare so many times... .  The time before this breakup I had full on PTSD symptoms with her including flashbacks and panic attacks... .  this is the most excruciatingly painful life situation I could ever imagine... .  so I am desperate for anything that could help... .  even just accepting the situation for what it is. It's simple but it helps... .  even during a time of grief. I agree it is like a death... .  her dad died, my grandma died and my mom {hfBPD] and exgf [lfBPD] both split me black after a core abandonment trauma at the same time [in a one month period].

So trust me when I say I know how it feels... .  and I am dying inside... .  and I need to accept these painful circumstances. There is no alternative for me. What is fighting against what is inevitable going to do for me anymore?

Every day I suffer is another net loss for humanity at the hands of this horrible affliction, BPD.

So I will try as hard as I can to accept what is and move forward... .  it is all i can do.

I need to be cautious who I surround myself with right now... .  and that includes therapists. It's good this board is here so we can get help from other people who understand... .  

Best,

Stoic

[patientandclear]

Hi Stoic 

There's no question that acceptance helps us all immeasurably when we can achieve it.  But in OneToughCookie's situation, it's much too soon for that really to be possible.  People who say they've achieved that at a few months out from the first bloody BPD implosion are burying their wounds, I think.  If I understand Cookie's story, her ex left out of the blue hours after having a lovely sexual experience, saying he loved her, basically, "what should we have for dinner?" and then -- gone.  And then no communication whatsoever except returning for a few hours while she was hospitalized, saying he would come back in the morning, and then again -- gone, and no communication.  Won't respond to her texts, etc.  Just a few months ago.

Whereas you and at this point, me, and many others here, have had prolonged contact with our pwBPD after realizing the basic dynamic.  We're in a different place -- not a better or easier one necessarily, but perhaps we are closer to being able to get to acceptance because we've been seeing the evidence while knowing to be on the alert for it for some time.  I know since I reconnected with my uBPDexbf, I've amassed this enormous roster of behaviors and incidents that make it impossible for me to deny that he has a serious attachment problem that cannot be conquered by my best and most noble efforts.  I am pretty close to acceptance now.  But it's taken prolonged exposure for me to get there.  My original story was like Cookie's -- abrupt end in the middle of the idealization period, nothing wrong whatsoever as far as I could tell; brief promise of trying again, and another disappearance.  It gutted me because I had nothing to work with to understand it -- like trying to hold onto air.

Stoic, it doesn't sound like you are 18 months away from acceptance.  (Nor was I suggesting it would take everyone as long as it has taken me.)  But I think that is because you've been plowing through it for a while now with some awareness that these patterns are possible with your (ex)partner, something Cookie never did.  One has to log some time with these ideas to get over the cognitive dissonance between the closeness and apparent happiness and the departures and devaluing.  Sounds like you are a bit further along in that process -- and also like it is very very hard.  I know all about that 

[almost789]

Cookie,

I know how you feel about not being able to do this. At a few months out I was still a walking zombie. And still had to go to work. Im a consultant and most of my work is independant and done alone, that goodness. (I cant imagine being a trial attornrey and going through this) I have to perform once during the week and present a presentation. I once had a couselor tell me to invision your life like dresser with drawers. In each draw are parts of your life. Only open the draw you need to function at the time. The other draws remain closed. So, I have a drawer with my BPD relationship problems in it. I try my best to keep that draw closed during work times that I know I cannot open it.  :)ont think about it but know its there for later. When works over and you have time alone open the drawer and cry. It really worked for me and so thats what I do. Everything has suffered since my first break up with BPD last January. Its taken me a year to finally feel like i  might be lifting. I havent wanted to do anything i used to. I used to enjoy cooking. I stopped that and just stopped ejoying life period. I know im starting to come out of it because Ive been wanting to cook again and try new recipies. I also stopped caring what i looked like. But yesterday, i actually wanted to buybsome new pretty clothes. I was bedining to think that maybe i wasnpermenently damaged!o! I could notnunderstand why it would take so long to get over this. My middle name used to be get over it. BPD break ups are brutal, worse than a sudden death even becuase with sudden death you have the peace of mind that the person  did not choose to abandon you.  Just know that you can do it you will get there. Close the BPD draw in your mind at work. And come home and open it and cry all you want.

[Whatwasthat]

 Cookie


Sorry - I haven't read the whole thread - mea culpa. But because your experience was in some ways a lot like mine I wanted to share some thoughts on this. And really the conclusions will be exactly like those offered by P&C.

I had a much shorter 'relationship' than you did (actually these days I like to call it an 'interaction' - it helps!). But I knew the guy as an 'old friend' who'd fallen out of touch - so there was some history there.

I - like you - went from full on plans for the future to 'dumped' in the blink of an eye. I've written elsewhere about how I really knew it was all too fast and furious and intense - but good lord we were well into our 40s (me) and 50s (him) so I had come to the conclusion that since we were both beyond the age of youthful craziness that he must really mean all the stuff he said and did.

I was - of course - wrong.

But the point is that I know exactly how deeply shocking it is to go from 'please plan the rest of your life with me - I'm not sure I can hold on for 24 hours until we're next due to see each other - I can't cope without you' to ':)on't call me again - I've moved on' in the space of a couple of days. It doesn't make any sense. And more than that it is intensely traumatic.

I - like you - was dealing with health issues at the time. This doesn't make this stuff any easier - it makes us more vulnerable and means that we have less strength and energy to process what on earth just happened.

It took me a very long time to work through this experience. And I needed a lot of help. I did not jump to 'acceptance' easily or quickly - though I had glimpses of it at various points - and now those glimpses are really long enough to make me feel pretty much OK  all of the time - and downright happy on odd occasions too!  So however impossible the thought seems - there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel.

However two things were  key to the process of recovery. One wasy a T who - while not being an expert on PDs - pretty much 'got' what I'd been through. I only had T for six months - that was all that was possibe. But it helped no end. He didn't rush me into anything. He wanted to know at each session exactly how I was and what I was feeling. And by taking this approach I was able to move forwards. He left me with a very helpful conclusion at the end of our sessions 'This r/s may have been short - count yourself lucky that it was - but it was abusive and it was traumatic - and you've done well to move forwards as you have. Please don't be scared that the whole world is filled with people like this man - because it really is rare to encounter them.'

The other thing was a very kind friend who is also a counsellor trained in loss and bereavement. She listened to me tirelessly. Do you know the Rime of the Ancient Mariner? The story of the cursed and traumatised man who is destined ever after to accost people and and regale them endlessly with his troubles? That's virtually who I became (though I didn't - I'm glad to say - flag down strangers in the street as he did!). And I felt so guilty about it. As if running over all this stuff all the time with those who would listen was 'wrong' and 'a problem'. My friend explained to me that this was not the case but I was in fact doing something essential to my recovery. The idea  is that initially a shocking and traumatic event takes up the whole of the front of our brains and will not give us space for anything else. It takes our entire mental and emotional attention because it is so odd, so difficult and so large - and seems therefore to demand 'action' on our part - except of course it's really not clear what that 'action' should be. Only by constantly telling the story - repeating it and exploring it and the emotions that go with it - do we slowly turn this great big thing that has taken possession of us into something that can be gradually contained and put in a box and 'filed' further back in our brains. Only then can we breath again properly and reclaim ownership of our mental and emotional spaces.

You may well be lucky enough to have some patient friends who are willing to listen - it's not everyone who has the capacity or inclination to do this. But I would urge that you also use this site as much as you need to in the same way - to simply tell the story and get it out. But a T ought to be able to perform that function too and it's possible that you haven't yet found the right one. I'd be on the look out for someone who knows about loss, trauma and BPD - and essentially of course - someone you feel you can relate to well - and isn't in a hurry to 'get' you anywhere - but is able to help you find your own way forward.

I can promise that this really does get better. It seems impossible I know. But there are many here who are living proof of that. WWT   

[daybreak]

Onetoughcookie:

I have read some of your post and one of the things that comes through is the fact you are shocked by the fact someone with your education, intelligence and professional stature could be duped.  You need to get over that aspect of it.  I felt that way too.   Almost 3 yrs. after the total dumping while in prayer I had tears over the deep pain.  You will find people of all levels have been deceived into these relationships.  Being smart has nothing to do with it.  You are dealing with something that is so profoundly deceptive, manipulative and destructive to you emotions that it will bring you to your knees and destroy all pride.  

You WILL get better over time as you are being told... .  and life will be worth living again.  All the best!

[daybreak]

Cookie;  I forgot one thing.  NO your therapist truly "may not get it"... .  unless they are very experienced in BPD... .  they absolutely do not get it.  The wounds from these relationships are very horrible and they just don't understand what has been done to you and how it affects you.  They tend to apply information or experience from other relational breakups to a BPD breakup... .  there's a vast difference.  I will caution you that they all think they know about BPD... .  but they don't.  I knew about it... .  but now nearly enough.

[almost789]

I just wanted to share some more grief and abandonment information I found. While there is no "standard" timeframe to "get over it" this shows that it is normal to be going through the stages of grief for more than a year! Now I would venture to say that most,not all, of us on here are going through stages of grief and because we are in the stages of grief, its only normal to me that we wouldn't be judged by our emotions during a time of grief.

And cookie, I too, had great difficulty understanding how "I"  could be decieved? hahaha... .  I'm usually pretty quick to pick up on deception. But, this is my therory. What he told you, what mine told me. WAS REAL in the moment. What we can't understand is HOW someone can feel that love, and then drop it in an instant. This is where we have to understand the mental disorder part. It's not real deception. He didn't set out to decieve you. His intentions were to make his dreams come true. But he has a disorder which is not conductive to intimate connections. Here's some more on grief stages and how long it sometimes takes.

Grieving processEvery step of the process is natural and healthy, it is only when a person gets stuck in one step for a long period of time then the grieving can become unhealthy, destructive and even dangerous. When going through the grieving process it is not the same for everyone, but everyone does have a common goal, acceptance of the loss and to always keep moving forward.[5] This process is different for every person but can be understood in four different steps.

Shock and Denial

Shock is the initial reaction to loss. Shock is the person’s emotional protection from being too suddenly overwhelmed by the loss. The person may not yet be willing or able to believe what their mind knows to be true. This stage normally lasts two or three months.

Intense Concern

Intense concern is often shown by not being able to think of anything else. Even during daily tasks, thoughts of the loss keep coming to mind. Conversations with one at this stage always turn to the loss as well. This period may last from six months to a year.

Despair and Depression

Despair and depression is a long period of grief, the most painful and protracted stage for the griever (during which the person gradually comes to terms with the reality of the loss). The process typically involves a wide range of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Many behaviors may be irrational. Depression can include feelings of anger, guilt, sadness and anxiety.

Recovery

The goal of grieving is not the elimination of all the pain or the memories of the loss. In this stage, one shows a new interest in daily activities and begins to function normally day to day. The goal is to reorganize one’s life, so the loss is an important part of life rather than its center.[6][7]I do question the competency of your therapist. He is a professional, yes. But what we see here is a basic idea of "grief stages" and how we all go through at differing speeds and your therapist doesn't get it. This is bothersome to me, because he is a professional and yet doesn't get such a fundamental thing such as grief stages. In this case, you may need to find another therapist. I'm not sure he is capable of helping you.

[BentNotBroken]

Cookie-

Gah! "channel acceptance" wth does that really mean? A few months ago I would have been seriously tempted to smack someone that gave me that advice. Especially if I was paying them for it. They could just "Channel acceptance" that I had just smacked and fired them in one fell swoop!

One of the "tips" that appears at the top of the forum listings from time to time talks about "Acceptance" being completely separate from "approval". I learned this many years ago, when dealing with another serious personal issue, but I had to learn it the hard way--through pain, tears, and personal experience.

You are likely right where you need to be at the moment. I am a little over a year out of my 15+ year BPD relationship. Everything in my life imploded when the relationship ended--family, job, home, career, finances, future. BPDex actively tried to force me into suicide during the last few months before I moved out. She has waged complete war on every aspect of my life since I filed for custody of our then 1yo son.

Many years earlier, I had already learned the lesson that "acceptance" of a bad situation does not mean "approval" of a bad situation, but I had to learn it again and apply it many times. ie The latest attack from the ex IS happening, she IS mentally ill, and she IS trying to destroy me. I MUST TAKE ACTION to protect myself, because she IS NOT going to change or stop attacking. I don't have to like what is happening, I just have to accept that it is happening.

In your situation, you ARE HURTING tremendously, your therapist MIGHT NOT get it, and YOU MUST TAKE ACTION to heal. Even though you are a trial lawyer, your skills and expertise ARE NOT the right tools for the healing the wounds.

It is very frustrating to realize and accept that our own feelings for another person, along with our actions or inaction, have contributed to a situation where we are stuck emotionally in a painful quagmire that seems inescapable. Accept that you may be unable to draw yourself out of the muck without the right outside help. You don't have to like it, but you do need to accept it in order to take action. Tell your therapist that you feel her/his advice was terrible. Ask for clarification. If you get nothing more than refrigerator magnet slogans as explanation, find a new therapist immediately. Your therapist may be great at fixing certain types of wounds, but it sounds like he/she is not equipped to help you deal with the wounds you do have, or is not explaining things in a way that helps you. If you think you need someone else, get someone else. Lean on family and friends to get you through the really rough spots.

I also had to actively tell myself things like, "God, I feel terrible right now, but this is not forever." It takes time to heal from these deep, BPD relationship wounds, but it will happen.

[Cmjo]

Hi one tough cookie. I am a lawyer too and the therapist I have seen a few times since I left is wishy washy. My friends give me better advice, they know the reality of what I have been facing for years. I read my friend one of his emails from last week justifying how it was ok for him to sleep with other women now as I had torn his life apart and destroyed our family, and because I had never made a move to try to rebuild our relationship, she just said hes  "nutty". I left him twice last year, and he punished me for weeks on end (its still going on now) by not telling me when he intended to pick the kids up from school even thought my office is 25 km away, knowing it would make my work suffer, i just cant plan anything and cant get a babysitter as when I do he suddenly turns up again, and of course the kids prefer him being there to a babysitter.

I have to represent men and women in separation and custody disputes! Lots of meetings and responsibility. Very hard to keep it together. At the end of last year i really struggled and told quite a few clients that I had serious personal problems at home, no one sacked me in the end just cos I took weeks to reply tontheir emails! My work is one of the biggest things that he struggled with, I am good at it and enjoy it and now have my own firm and he resents it terribly. Setting up the firm was my new creative outlet, I designed a website and its going to be really successful, so I am able to look forward. What can you see in your future, because I am sure for you too it will get better... .  ?

[stoic83]

Hi one tough cookie. I am a lawyer too and the therapist I have seen a few times since I left is wishy washy. My friends give me better advice, they know the reality of what I have been facing for years. I read my friend one of his emails from last week justifying how it was ok for him to sleep with other women now as I had torn his life apart and destroyed our family, and because I had never made a move to try to rebuild our relationship, she just said hes  "nutty". I left him twice last year, and he punished me for weeks on end (its still going on now) by not telling me when he intended to pick the kids up from school even thought my office is 25 km away, knowing it would make my work suffer, i just cant plan anything and cant get a babysitter as when I do he suddenly turns up again, and of course the kids prefer him being there to a babysitter.

I have to represent men and women in separation and custody disputes! Lots of meetings and responsibility. Very hard to keep it together. At the end of last year i really struggled and told quite a few clients that I had serious personal problems at home, no one sacked me in the end just cos I took weeks to reply tontheir emails! My work is one of the biggest things that he struggled with, I am good at it and enjoy it and now have my own firm and he resents it terribly. Setting up the firm was my new creative outlet, I designed a website and its going to be really successful, so I am able to look forward. What can you see in your future, because I am sure for you too it will get better... .  ?

I feel like my ex was trying to subtly destroy what I was passionate about and working towards in and out of the recycles. Congratulations to you for getting out and following through with your goals. It is nice to read excerpts from driven women like yourselves after enduring the anguish of trying to help some one with learned helplessness for so long that now I have it(learned helplessness)... .  I know I have to take that fixing energy and apply it towards myself and my business and my pursuit for success that feels good because it creates win-win situations for myself and others.

"Being strong" hasn't helped me (that's what got me in to this mess)... .  Accepting that I am in a lot of pain and not caring what others might think about how someone like me "with my academic/professional track record" got in to this mess has helped me. This could happen to anybody... .  look at that nice Hawaiian football player, look what happened to him... .  granted lawyers and college football players only have one thing in common, and that is that they are admired by the public (or loathed) either way you guys get a lot of attention and that's better than indifference!

My best friend from college is a lawyer and he always told me to be glad I didn't go to law school because it wasn't worth it(the studying). I can only imagine a lawyer applying all of that rational and fair energy in to an emotionally unstable relationship and must have been/is very hard for both of you. Much support and respect and thanks for helping make society more fair for us all!

Stoic