Wits End

[TLG]

I'm 48. My sister is 50 and has BPD. She has 2 incredible children, a daughter 23 and a son 25. We are each book case studies as we continue to live our chaotic lives manipulated by our BPD family member. My mother enabled my sisters inappropriate behavior for my entire life but even she is exhausted of my sisters BPD influences on all of us... .  as a family and as individuals. Most recently the issue has been my nephew's engagement, new fiancé and planning their wedding. Presently she is not invited to any of the showers, parties and the wedding due to her choices to say and do hurtful things geared toward breaking their plans to marry. However, in an effort to try and make peace yet have personal boundaries in place, there is a plan for the 3 of them to meet, talk and TRY to move forward. I'm the chosen mediator and I'm only doing this to help the children. They have gotten counseling and each do have a clear mindset on what to expect. My sister has agreed to meet with them but she's already trying to gain control of the situation.  I try to remain optimistic but I really don't see this meeting ending the way we want it to. My sister is in denial about her BPD. She is full blown, raging BPD getting no professional help. In 2000 when I read the book, "Stop Walking On Egg Shells", I thought many times someone had written my life story. It has only gotten worse on so many levels since 2000.  How do I get her to seek help? I'm at a loss for action or words right now.

[Surnia]

 

TLG

So sorry whats going on in your life with your sister! It is very challenging, when someone is in denial about her own situation... .    :'(

Great you found us. It is very important to reach out for support. Many members here are in similar situations with family members. They can support you.

Please keep in touch, TLG

Surnia

[WrongWoman]

I have two uBPD individuals in my life (one is my mother, the other an in-law).  My mother is in total denial of her BPD and has never gotten help and never will, I don't think.  Even more than two decades of mostly N/C with me and on and off with several other of her children does not help convince her that she just might be the one with the problem.  I don't know any good answer to that question, but my heart goes out to you.

[InaMinorRole]

I'm a bit of a fatalist regarding BPD. I think the chances of the person changing much are low and practically zero if they don't admit it. It would be nice if you could all get together and have a heartwarming talk and suddenly everyone would get along, but is this really going to happen? If it is, you're not on the right forum. As a family member I think you have three things you can do. First, be the loving person the others want and deserve, and listen to them. They may not have a good relationship with your sister but they can have a good relationship with you. The second thing is to learn the tools for coping with her behavior in a way that reflects reality and not wishful thinking, and help them learn them. Do they need to keep her at arm's length? Go NC? And the third is to help them basically train her like a small child or a dog. Once they decide what they want the relationship to look like they need to take control and lay down the law. Abusive phone calls will be hung up on, etc. It should theoretically be easier for a sibling to establish the rules than for a child, because there was never the parental authority structure in place. You can take the hits first.