Did you hear apologizes?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

When reading stuff here I did not find this, so I ask: did you hear fake apologizes, ones that are like "out of jail"-card in Monopoly?

First I was belittled, yeld, blaimed, and then he asked for fogiveness, but it was very hard for me to forgive him, because I knew he will do the same thing tomorrow. I think apologizing is something you should do with your heart: understanding what you have done, thinking how to avoid doing the same, hurtful thing again and then ask for forgiveness. But now I was in the situation where I had to forgive even if I did not want to, if I did not, things went worse and quickly. And when I said it's ok, I forgive (and hated myself for that because now I was faking), he simply forgot the whole thing, and I knew I will be in this same situation soon. My mistakes he collected like valuables and canned them somewhere, I don't know where but I believe they are all there and he will never forget them. I could hear from him about some mistake I had made for 6 months.

I soon got repulsed about the whole forgiving-circus. I felt like a forgiveness-machine. He put a coin in, and I better give him a right product. Otherwise I would be punished. And hard. First crying and blaming, then rage and dumping.

And here I still sit and think if I was forgiving and loving enough 

[KellyO]

When reading stuff here I did not find this, so I ask: did you hear fake apologizes, ones that are like "out of jail"-card in Monopoly?

First I was belittled, yeld, blaimed, and then he asked for fogiveness, but it was very hard for me to forgive him, because I knew he will do the same thing tomorrow. I think apologizing is something you should do with your heart: understanding what you have done, thinking how to avoid doing the same, hurtful thing again and then ask for forgiveness. But now I was in the situation where I had to forgive even if I did not want to, if I did not, things went worse and quickly. And when I said it's ok, I forgive (and hated myself for that because now I was faking), he simply forgot the whole thing, and I knew I will be in this same situation soon. My mistakes he collected like valuables and canned them somewhere, I don't know where but I believe they are all there and he will never forget them. I could hear from him about some mistake I had made for 6 months.

I soon got repulsed about the whole forgiving-circus. I felt like a forgiveness-machine. He put a coin in, and I better give him a right product. Otherwise I would be punished. And hard. First crying and blaming, then rage and dumping.

And here I still sit and think if I was forgiving and loving enough 

[lost not dead]

I apologized for almost everything. Even the things she did to me and the children. When she did give an apology it sounded like this. "Im sorry you got yourself hurt by what I did or said but you made me do it and Im only apologizing because you wont let it go till I do"

[lost not dead]

As far as the violation banking. OMG I have paid for little things I said when we were dating 15 years ago. She had affairs and I forgave her even though she never asked for it and if I tried to say anything about having trust issues she exploded and that I dont know what foregiveness is. " I will have to pay for this for the rest of my life with you" is her favoriate saying.

[Changed4safety]

Lost, that's the kind of apology I got.  Except as he spoke it would get turned around about how horrible he was, how awful it was to live with this illness (bipolar--he doesn't know he has BPD), and sometimes go into yearning for suicide.  He was simply not capable of apologizing for the action--to acknowledge that he did something wrong/bad/harmful/hurtful would be him admitting he was a horrible person.  And he couldn't live with that, so he'd have to be comforted (thus pretty much negating the apology) or else attack me because I MADE him do it.  

[ambi]

First there was loads of denial that I felt hurt.  He'd argue for days telling me I didn't feel what I felt.  Then, he'd argue about how I had "issues" and if I felt a certain way it was my own fault.  Then, he'd launch into how he really felt what I felt, not me.  And, if I still persisted (many times I did not, because it was not worth the energy), he'd finally say, "Fine.  It's my fault.  I effed up.  I eff up everything.  Everything I all my fault!"  And, then he wouldn't speak to me for a week or two.  The words 'I'm sorry' mostly said by my and once in a blue moon by him - as in 'I'm sorry I totaled your car, but I'm not paying for the damages". 

[KellyO]

For me apologizing has always been hard: I come from a family where I did not hear that word ONCE. So, now I'm with a man who apologizes all the time and means nothing with it. For him they were genuine apologizes, I'm sure. But if you can't understand a word "remorse", then the words "I'm sorry " don't mean anything. They are just words that are supposed to give him a certain outcome. And when I saw that, I started to think if the words " I love you" were just tools too.

[waitaminute]

At the end I read in an email "I'm sorry for what I did to your life."

I accept it as her heartfelt thought at the moment. But I must also accept as her heartfelt thoughts the emails with opposite - completely opposite - thoughts. They live in the moment.

[KellyO]

They live in the moment.

Exactly. But my ex thought everyone else is like him, or at least should be like him, in everything. He has this very deep believe that he is normal, and everyone is like him. Everyone forgets things in a minute, and if they don't they are not normal (= like him). The joke here is... .  neither was he like that if it comes to someone else but him. Again when I even think this I feel my brains start to bleed.

No wonder he was so controlling, he has to be to keep all that together in his head.

[cal644]

my appology from my ExW came in this form - how horrible I was and how miserable she has been - she went back 22yrs from the only time I did cheat on her (junior year in highschool) ... .  her appology was maybe you think I had this emotional affair (but were just friends) ... .  I told her if she was truly sorry she would quit texting and work on our marriage - her answer was see how controlling you are - like you said a monopoly appology - actions speak louder than words.  I told her it was like if a person shot someone and said they were sorry but turned around 2 seconds latter and shot someone else (oops I'm sorry again) - she doesn't know the true meaning of being sorry

[KellyO]

Heh, I once said to my ex: It does not matter how much you say you love me, if every other minute you kick me.

[nowwhatz]

I heard incredble apologies and remorse tears galore etc. from my udBPDexgf in dec. As for my experience none of the apologies are fake just as none of the "i love yous" are fake. That is what she feels like at that particular moment. It is true. Not fake.

To me that is the most difficult aspect of being involved with a person like this because we process a r/s normally and the BPD person cannot. So it always seems like getting used or lied to when it is not... .  at least in my case.

[waitaminute]

Heh, I once said to my ex: It does not matter how much you say you love me, if every other minute you kick me.

I repeated my bit of existentialism for her many times. "we are what we do"

At some level, she understood this. It should fit their "living in the moment" tendencies. But I always felt like she heard the words and looked at them like I looked at long division in elementary school. At least she didn't break into tears like I did

And I hope she eventually grasps this concept ... .  As I eventually learned to do long division (not to mention differential equations and linear algebra) on paper.

[KellyO]

I repeated my bit of existentialism for her many times. "we are what we do"

I said that too, because it is true. Another brain-bleeding moment: my ex was very angry at me (and dumped me that weekend) and these are his words exactly:" I don't get you, you don't believe what I say, you only believe what I do, my words don't matter to you at all". He really was furious when he said that.

I sort of understand his rationalization now, when I know how much he lies to himself to manage the fact that stuff in his head and reality does not match.

It is so good to rememeber and tell someone stuff like that, it reminds me of the madness of it all.