My own smearing

[stoic83]

I was so upset about getting smeared this time, after being supportive to her and entire family after her dad's death that I kind of launched a pre-retalitory smear campaign while she was passed out drunk at my house. I exaggerated and acted all crazy to get her core family and aa sponsor's attention. I said she was "r** by her father to her sponsor" as verbatim when in reality I meant I had an extremely strong suspicion due to a number of different things including her trying to get me to look like her dad, how she acted about him, how her mom acted about him, and how the family seemed to have an "incestuous vibe" to it... .  i know her cousin molested her... .  when she relapsed she kept screaming about how she has been trying to figure out if her dad "r**** her sister and now she will never know the truth because hes dead"... .  

I told her that even if he was alive, he would never admit to such a thing and that the truth around such things are never really known... .  its so glaringly obvious that my exwBPD was at least molested by her own father... .  

Looking back at my "pre retalitory anti-smear smear" my behavior was ridiculous and Im lucky she didnt take out a restraining order against me.

She told me I betrayed her... .  I just couldn't help her with such serious issues and I wanted to get their attention to get her in to therapy where a professional [not me] can help her process these traumas. I was probably in danger of being the victim of violence... .  she threated physical violence [cutting off my man parts] and also false accusations[im going to call the cops on you... .  when she was acting violent].

i was so afraid of her blackmailing or extorting me and what everyone thought of me, that I smeared a little bit... gulp... .  flea.

I know what it is like to experience some of her symptoms after this relationship... .  I really thought I was in a unique position to help her as I had such severe fleas, PTSd that after tolerating her abuse I could begin to relate to her.   and understand her in a way that no other man could.

Lol.

So i guess I'm feeling lucky I got away with my pre-smear non-smear... .  I felt such shame and the way that the people around her were responding to me... .  fearful, I know she told people I was abusive and mean... .  this made me feel like this. What a professional victim she is... .  Im going to have a hard time helping others for a while... .  thinking Im going to go volunteer. Four years I've known her, shes loved me, hated me, been indifferent to me... .  i was a saint, now im the abusive and psychotic ex who makes up crazy stories... .  love it I feel so cool right now(sarcastic)!

Best

Stoic

[stoic83]

I guess looking back ... .  I really could have just told the truth and it would have been a lot worse than what i said. But I told her entire family and her sponsor that she has treated me viciously and terribly. I told her sponsor to keep the email confidential out of fear for my own safety... and she did not. I told her sponsor I was upset with her for pushing down my exwBPD's psych symptoms and to just ignore it... .  I am furious with aa (and her hardcore sponsor) for their treatment of people with mental health problems... .  it's pathetic. I feel like her sponsor enabled her to treat me like crap as long as she "stayed sober"... .  no wonder she wants to hang out with only people in AA. They enable her to do whatever she wants as long as she doesn't drink... .  she comes to my house, relapses and its all my fault even though I gave up drinking... .  moved it all out of my house. Her 15 months of sobriety ended, and everyone around her blames me. Its so messed up and i feel humiliated and used!

Stoic

[stoic83]

This is embarrassing for me to admit, and I have never acted like this before in my entire life. This is what happens when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results... .  I almost felt like I had to make a complete fool out of myself to get her to stay away from me. Learned helplessness or something... .  I could not abandon her for fear of her hurting herself so I made a complete idiot out of myself... .  Im still worried shes going to show up at my door months from now... .  like she usually does... .  

There is so much information that led up to this scenario, that I almost feel bad for leaving all the situations that led up to this but let me say that my intuition and all the evidence led me to be 98% sure of what I expressed as fact.

I imagine that it takes a perfect storm to have someone such as me recycle with my ex as many times as I did... .  the isolation from starting a business from home in a wealthy area, no contact with family after some serious betrayals... .  I believe I grew up in a narcissistic family and that my mom might have BPD symptoms. She was as she likes to call it "the center of the family"... .  and very manipulative.

In any case, here I am exposing myself to the bpdfamily world as offically having lost my marbles one month ago and now suffering and lonely though i used to be funny, creative, and helpful to my friends... .  now I have no real friends in the area... .  just grew apart i guess.

Going to the T twice a week and have limited social mirroring... .  I've always been a little eccentric and I used to be more  confident and not care as much what other people think and had a bunch of friends through work and also long term friends that live in different areas... .  however this relationship isolated me, and this is the result of being shocked over and over and over and just sitting there and taking it and validating or apologizing for my side of things, etc... .  

I will never be the same... .  and that's hopefully a good thing. I guess whatever is inside me that kept me in this for so long broke... .  and now I can finally heal, because I never ever ever want to feel like that again... .  and I am just sad for anybody with this mental disorder because that is how they feel most of the time.

This entire situation is my desperate attempt to get out of a relationship that was destroying me from the inside/out. I am 30 days out of this mess... .  I am lonely and alienated everybody in my life through the slow disintegration of my core self. I became bitter and suffered from compassion fatigue... .  seeming selfish and dramatic.

I never have been this dramatic... .  I got pulled in to somebody else's fantasy world and combined with working from home and no family relationship has left me feeling shattered. I don't feel I can relate to anybody else outside of these boards right now... .  my friends kind of blow me off but aren't straight forward with me... .  

It just sucks that no one in my life wants to be a good friend to me right now... .  I suppose their tired of cleaning up the mess and are probably offended that I would "choose" her over them when in the past we were equal and mutual friends. This problem with my ex has dragged everybody down with it... .  including everybody in my life.

I feel at a complete loss right now... .  I can't believe how much self worth I had wrapped up in her and how she could just treat me like trash again and again... .  every time i would buy in to it, because I wanted to believe she had changed. I wish I could have held it together and at least handled this situation with some humility, but I finally just lost it and couldn't handle suffering (or her suffering) in silence anymore. Stoic no more.

Stoic

[really]

I've done things that I regret.    Don't beat yourself up.    Many of us have done things that are way out of character - either out of being completely bamboozled my it all, deeply hurt or inheriting some their messed up characteristics.

I bombarded my ex with emails seeking closure, asking for honesty and expressing my hurt.   

I got abuse, the police called, my name blackened with friends, my work colleagues etc.

I became unhinged.   

I thought long and hard about exposing her lies and deception to others but have not.    I won't lower myself to her standards despite all the gas lighting cover ups and damage that she has caused.   

What has been done has been done. 

Time to focus on you.    And I say that as someone who has faile terribly at that

[stoic83]

I thought long and hard about exposing her lies and deception to others but have not.    I won't lower myself to her standards despite all the gas lighting cover ups and damage that she has caused.   

Well i told her family that she should be discouraged from a romantic rs with me or anyone else until she gets therapy. I said she was extremely destructive to herself and others... .  and that I as "a man" became the target of her unresolved issues... .  and that as her family they should encourage her to seek treatment.

I also know that her mother was molested as a child and covered up molestations of her daughter. I know my exgfwBPD used to act sexually at 4 or 5 years old and was taken in for therapy. This isn't normal.

I also saw my exwBPD's mother being abusive towards her... .  and using my ex as "abuse by proxy" against me... .  encouraging physical violence against me on the phone, calling me a "freak" and an "idiot" and a "baby" whose "baiting her in to" hitting me.

I was looking for anyone painted white who could influence her to finally get help. I told her mom and step mother(lesbians) that she treated me terribly and that men and women are both human beings and deserve to be treated well.

You know... .  I am not a black and white thinker. I can see the grey, and this was a desperate attempt to shock someone in to having a talk with her. BREAKING THE CYCLE OF ABUSE THAT HAS IMPACTED MY LIFE AND MY EXGF LIFE IN HORRIFIC AND TERRIBLE WAYS. She might listen to her mom or her aa sponsor or her sister but not going to listen to me or anyone she's had sex with seeming as she projected her incestual rage and her father on to me.

Nobody else knows the trouble I've seen...

I put so much energy in to this relationship and learned that I could only help her minimally.

I needed to get others attention who cared about her... .  I know that my exwBPD is a grown woman... .  but with her child-like mentality she will listen to her sponsor and her mom if they tell her to get therapy.

Whether she will listen to the therapist... .  well that's another story. But in any case, shes not being urged to therapy... .  so I hope me acting like a whacko but also showing genuine compassion for my ex in the email and personal interventions ended up making a positive difference in someone elses life.

You know i almost feel like there was some divine power that pushed me to go try and shock her family and sponsor in to breaking the cycle of abuse and opression and helping her get the CBT/DBT therapies that were reccommended by the chemical detox center that my friend works at and told me that "she has serious issues, and several unprocessed traumas, and needs to be living in a structured environment and needs three therapies CBT/DBT/and trauma hypnosis or whatever.

I am just furious at the world for allowing this to happen to people and for all the untreated mentally ill who go out shooting little kids or perform holocausts or blow up our buildings... .  

We are all ONE. and so damn straight im upset about this and lost my nut.