The disorder is the individual- you can't separate them out into 95% disorder and 5% person. They are the disorder. This is the most difficult part to get because we don't get what absence of insight feels like.
Whenever my ex gets close to understanding the impact of his actions on others he has to recoil- the shame is unbearable. Why do you think the suicide rate is so high?
Recoiling from responsibility is an in built defense mechanism that he has no awareness of. He is just staying alive and running on through the only way he knows. He hates himself for it and one day he may get so low that he sees therapy is the answer- he gets there every now and again but as soon as he's coping again he starts to run again.
Blaming a person with BPD for not being responsible for their actions is like blaming a person who speaks french for speaking french. The disorder exists to not take responsibility.
I have witnessed similar behavior with my ex. But there seems to be a bit of contradiction in your post here, and I don't highlight this to be pedantic, but rather because it actually helps me to better flesh out my point.
All this says to me is that there is some underlying awareness of
something not being right, and that this
something is a part of him. He could not hate "it," if he did not know what "it" was, or at least that an "it" exists, regardless of how remote, fleeting, nebulous, or otherwise vague his awareness of "it" is.
I saw many examples with my ex that indicate the same sort of quasi-awareness. For instance, during one period of dysregulation during the hater phase, my ex took an exasperated break from her raging, pressed her hands to her face, and said, "This is exactly the way things felt in the end with [previous bf]." I could see what a harried, miserable person she had become during this several-week period, and I felt as badly for her as I did for myself. But this is not normal, and she *knew* that. Her word choice even demonstrates that she recognizes a *pattern* of abnormal behavior.
Another example - there are many, but just off the top of my head - occurred during a family (hers) gathering. Her father (who is a huge trigger for her) was preparing to take a photo of her and her aunt together. Her father is holding the camera and she flips out - shouts, flails her arms, stomps off. She claimed he was hesitating to take the photo purely to get under her skin. A few days later, I questioned her about this again. She said, "Yeah, I was being a b*tch, I should probably apologize to him." Granted, she never did apologize (to my knowledge), and this was a small, meaningless event (as compared to the breakdown of our relationship, with respect to which I do not expect her to even muster the courage or strength required to apologize). Nevertheless, it is experiences such as these that leave me convinced that *some* level of awareness exists. I've read countless posts here of analogous incidents that would appear to support this position.
I believe that many BPDs have the ability to overcome the defense mechanisms that keep them from focusing on or acknowledging these brief episodes of "clarity" rather than continuing to permit the coping mechanisms from taking over once they have that "recoil," as you've described it. I'm sure it is extremely difficult and painful, yet possible. Otherwise you would not see an average of 1-2 BPD or suspected BPD members posting on the new-member board each day.
It is not their fault that they have this illness, and I very much empathize with their struggle. But everyone has various burdens to carry in life - some larger than others - yet the vast majority of other hardships are not also viewed as an abdication of personal responsibility, especially if and when they cause anywhere near this level of damage to the lives of others.
Perhaps my views will change over time, but at this point I cannot go any further than to say that I believe that BPD sufferers experience
severely limited ability to function responsibly, and not that there is a total absence of such ability when and where significant effort is applied. I will agree that they are the only ones who can decide if and when to face themselves, and it's very unlikely that anyone will succeed in "reasoning" with or "convincing" them that they're delusional.
I am also not suggesting that they can just stop themselves with a snap of their fingers and become "normal" tomorrow. I *am* saying that they can decide to take the opportunity presented by moments similar to those I've described concerning my ex. They can use those moments of rational reflection as the impetus for change. They can say, when calm, "The way I respond to certain things is ruining my life and those of my loved ones - I should see a therapist."
But if you are a functioning member of the adult world, enjoying the same benefits and privileges of society as your peers, I expect you to do what it takes for you to play by the rules. Ultimately this is consistent with the "focus on yourself" message, because when someone wants to have their cake and eat it too, when someone can't or won't apologize for egregious conduct, when someone wants the perks without the responsibility, I will gladly tell that person to go pound salt and wall off their noxious essence from my life.
And @Newton - certainly much blame lies with her FOO. Many of her family members have PD traits, and her mother is hyper-critical and extremely passive aggressive. Her father is a typical enabler. My own FOO likewise set me up perfectly for this - an alcoholic, NPD father w/BPD traits. It was anyone's best guess whether I'd be ignored, raged at, blamed, or sometimes even praised, on any given day for any given "reason." I became a classic altruistic/compensatory narcissist. My curiosity and fascination with the disorder and individuals affected with it has not prevented me from looking at myself.
