How do you switch off after all the abuse?

[Lisallew]

Hi all,

Well after copping abuse all weekend from The Queen/Hermit/Waif/Witch (my mother encompasses them all), I'm feeling really flat, upset, tired and fed up. I think I was run down and she just picked up on the weakness and pressed all my buttons.

Well I'm sick of being blamed, abused, accused and called disgusting names. And so is my partner, who told my mother that everything she does is her decision, and perhaps she needs to treat me and her son equally (her son is the golden child, I'm the 'btch'.

Anyway, I need some tips and hints on how to 'switch off'. The past 40 years of abuse (particularly the last two years) has left me feeling exhausted. I run a busy company and have to deal with clients and media on a daily basis, so it's stressful. But the abuse from Her Majesty (the name we have bestowed my mother) has, this time, left me feeling dreadful. I can make an appointment with a counsellor (which I will), but I just need some advice on how to cope / not let her '~' affect me the way it is. At times she makes me feel as though I'm a kid again (I'm 48). She doesn't pay any heed to the fact that I run a successful company and have a good life. Apparently my brother, who has two kids (I don't have kids) and is in the television industry is far more important than I am. Delightful. And he does very little for her, whereas I run around (with boundaries) doing shopping, organising appointments, organising her carers, buying her stuff for her apartment (she has physical ailments so doesn't go out much - but mainly because she likes to play the martyr).

So, in her mind, I'm to blame for the fact she lives in a '~hole' (her words) and has to rely on others for everything. Like most BPD people, she blames everyone for all her  woes.

So any advice please would be welcome!

I'm setting boundaries and if she calls to abuse me today I will politely ask her not to call me during work hours and if she can't speak nicely to me, then not to call at all.

I no longer have anything to do with her son (and feel better for it) and I would like to cut off from my mother entirely if she continues these attacks. My partner wants nothing further to do with her because of how she treats me. I'm lucky I have such a strong man in my life. Anyone else would have run a mile!

If I could move overseas (I'm in Australia) to get away from my mother, I would ;-)

Thanks all!

Cheers,

Lisa

[Up In the Air]

Hi there. I don't know if one can ever really 'switch off,' but what helped me with the attacks from my unBPD MIL was to keep a journal, remind myself of my 'bubble', and remember that she was ill.

My therapist suggested that I keep a journal based on emotions. I thought it was ridiculous at first, but I found that the more I was upset and angered by my MIL's actions and words, the more often I was letting her 'in.' One of the things I was working on in therapy was to create a 'bubble' of self protection that I would allow anything and everything to come through to me or not.

The more she picked at me, the more I visualized her insults as hitting the barrier and bouncing off. It really helped. It took a lot of effort in the beginning, but within a few months it was much easier for me to ignore her abuse and focus on what issues, if any, were really at hand. As time went on, I became completely aware of my loss of integrity during the time I had known her. At that point I decided to draw a line in the sand and say, 'Nope! You're welcome to speak to me, but you CANNOT speak to me without respect. It is my right to be treated with dignity and respect and if you refuse to do that, then I will not allow it (i.e. by hanging up the phone, leaving, etc).'

Keeping in mind that she's mentally ill really helps me to dissolve a lot of anger about the things that she says that would potentially get under my skin. Yes, she's responsible for EVERYTHING she says and does, but I force myself to remember that it's her illness speaking, not her genuine heart (which sometimes is really hard to distinguish!).

Hope this helps!

[Lisallew]

Thanks Up in the Air ;-)

For years I've told myself 'it's the mental illness', but recently I also know she's responsible for what she says. I've been called a btch, a whore (apparently I've been one my whole life, which is interesting!), a word beginning with 'C', mental, selfish, self centred, cruel, hard hearted. Myself, I know they're just names designed to hurt me and get a reaction. But I've reached a point where enough's enough. I'm sick of the threats of suicide (I don't react at all now), the "I'm lonely" (her decision); the "I don't go anywhere" (her decision); the "you've just left me here to die" (thing is, she's strong as an ox and won't die!)

She had yet another fall a couple of days ago and just expected me to drop everything and go up. Well I didn't. I arranged for a nurse to go check on her plus her regular carer. And you know what, I really don't feel any sympathy for her right now, because of what she said and did to me. She also told a friend that she was given the wrong baby when I was born.

I'm so tired and just over her bull----.

[Up In the Air]

You know, even though I've heard several stories about BPD parents and the affect on their children, I am still baffled every time I hear the cruel things a parent has done to their child. So sorry, Lisallew. 

I completely understand why you're fed up and why you're wanting to switch it off and I wish I had a better answer for you! I think you did the right thing when she fell. You're arranging care for her so that she is safe, but not hanging out there on the ledge. I don't blame you for not feeling bad for her. It's hard to have compassion when someone has been so hurtful. It's exhausting to keep it up and even though we try to forgive, it gets really old, doesn't it?

My husband decided to stop speaking with his unBPD mother last November and even though she still 'haunts' us every now and then we have so much more peace now. My husband had enough! He just couldn't take it any more and I have to admit I was getting there myself. I'm not saying cut her out of your life, but I know how very hard it can be to lovingly deal with someone so emotionally manipulative and verbally abusive. I'll be praying for you!