Your take on this?

[wanttoknowmore]

Mine has no history of stormy relationships. She tends to stay with the same friends for decades, has hard time changing anything even material things,she can not discard old items. We have push pull cycles for 2 years but she is back  everytime and reasserts her commitment to our friendship. Calls it "friends forever"and "until we die"

What do you think... .  Is is the pattern she will keep repeating and stay in this relationship or suddenly one day ,she will forget all this? I remain very anxious about this possibility as BPDs are known to flip and forget that they made promises to stay and make frienships work. Again, all her friends are long term some even from chilhood.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Not all borderlines have all the traits, constant long term friendships, especially if close, are unusual as they usually fallout sooner or later.

Has she always been on good terms with her friends or is it stormy on/off friendships?

Is she her real self with them or does she put on a special facade for them?

Are her friends what you may call "normal" people or do they have dysfunctional issues?

My partner still likes to thinks her close friends are old school days friends, but truth is she never sees them, and it is obvious to me they try to avoid her. It is part of her twisted living in the past thoughts.

[Chattgirl]

I used to try and get support and understanding from my bps friends and family. I finally realized that the only people involved in my bps life were other very dysfuntional people.  When he would be upset with me they would start trying to hook him up with women, talk him into spending his money and doing crazy things, and recommend dating sites to him. They were all for trashing me out and hearing all his false allegations about me. They told him i was not worth it and i was a bad person and replaceable. They always want to help find someone else so he can run back to me later and say i wasnt cheating i was done.

[waverider]

BPD is a lifetime of dysfunctional and abrasive behavior, hence the reason it is not diagnosed in childhood. To maintain an ongoing interaction with a pwBPD it is normally because of a tie eg family member,SO, or other dysfunctional people who also cant bond with "normal" folks and use each other to validate each other. These relationships are also usually volatile, but due to the ties are endured and recycled.

This raises another question how many folks have maintained life long close friendships with pwBPD?

[laelle]

Very good question.  Other than my ex who I have children with (its in my best interest to stay on good terms), the only relationship that I care to have hang around past its time is with my boyfriend.  I do have trouble to bond with other people, but I do have the ability to feel bits and pieces of intimacy and it doesnt make me run.

[cal644]

Some of these posts have made a light go off in my head.  My UexBPD wife worked at a bank for 19 years.  In those 19 years I have only ever heard about two of her favorite people who were customers.  The first one was an alcoholic farmer who would come in at 10 already drunk.  When him and his wife seperated he ended up ending his life. (this was her favorite customer) The second one was a lady who must have been extremely abused by some male (my wife said even if a guy would talk to her she would go into a panic.) In 19 years those are the only two she ever talked about... .  it's funny how we don't make the connections until the relationship ends.

[Foreverhopefull]

My dBPDh has no friends... .  literally no friends. His T and I are pretty much the only people in his life that he actually like being around and isn't as awkward with.

When we met, almost 19 years ago, he had some friends, all of them had drug/ alcohol issues or had other issues that he saw as "normal" . They were the "Unloved/Unwanted". As he got into a more stable routine (i.e. stable work, no more drinking and bar hoping every day, etc) , he's friends started disappearing on him. The one that stayed was there to try and ruin our relationship. He noticed and kicked him out of his life. Since that group, there has been people who would be "pit stop" friends (they stay as long as the party is there, but they really don't want him around for long).

The one person that tried to be his friend that didn't have issues, he pushed away almost 2 years ago by refusing to return calls or texts after he stopped working. At one point that person got the message. Granted he was in a very very dark place when he stopped working and could hardly entertain the idea of having himself around him.

I'm the person he has wanted around him the longest in his whole life. I'm the only constant thing in his life, as he likes to say : " I'm his anchor keeping him grounded in a world of craziness."

[wanttoknowmore]

Well, thank you for varied perspective. In fact, she has the same job for last 25 years, very highly skilled positon with high earning. She had atleast 100+ friends and about a dozen close friends of her gender mostly. She is a giver and helps everybody so people love her and admire her for being there for them. As for dysfuctional friends... .  my understanding is that we all are dysfuctional to some extent ... .  some more some less. Have you met a perfect person yet? We all have some flaws but we are able to cope up at different levels. So called "normal" people ,also, decomepensate in times of severe stress.

[Tormenta]

Some of these posts have made a light go off in my head.  My UexBPD wife worked at a bank for 19 years.  In those 19 years I have only ever heard about two of her favorite people who were customers.  The first one was an alcoholic farmer who would come in at 10 already drunk.  When him and his wife seperated he ended up ending his life. (this was her favorite customer) The second one was a lady who must have been extremely abused by some male (my wife said even if a guy would talk to her she would go into a panic.) In 19 years those are the only two she ever talked about... .  it's funny how we don't make the connections until the relationship ends.

It´s true! I´m connecting the dots, too. My ex?bf usually gets angry with his brothers. They can spend one or two week the way he doesn´t speak to them anymore. They don´t even try to contact him. His best friends have a lot of problems: the three of them drink A LOT, the can be drunk once per week, for example, and I mean be drunk, they usually go out for drinks twice everyweek. And I mean drinks, they really drink a lot. All of them have problems in their love lives and in general are very pessimistic and unhealthy. Even one of his friends started to go out with me and my friends. My ex?bf didn´t want to... .  Also, his ex was on drugs and they both used to smoke. With me, he wanted to stay away from that, we never smoke and I don´t drink but a little wine and beers occasionally, he even decided not to go to with his friends and stop the drug cossumption, as far as I know. He doesn´t have any other friends, althought he is very popular, his fame is of a very agressive person. Well, it´s logic, I guess, if you look at it, isn´t it?

[hithere]

Your friend sounds like a great person, with a great life and great friends.  Why do you think she has BPD?

[waverider]

As for dysfuctional friends... .  my understanding is that we all are dysfuctional to some extent ... .  some more some less. Have you met a perfect person yet? We all have some flaws but we are able to cope up at different levels. So called "normal" people ,also, decomepensate in times of severe stress.

Dysfunctional as it is meant here is not just odd quirks, but rather cannot function and integrate with other people without causing problems. ie non productive or negative relationships. May have lots of aquaintences but cannot interacted closely for prolong periods, hence few friends other than other dysfunctional people. Often experiences difficulties in holding down a job due to inevitable personality clashes.

High functioning pwBPD or pwNPD can maintain functional relationships, by compartmentalizing and maintaining a "white facade" to some folks, but these are often shallow friendships as a result, and reserving the black switching to those in their RS. Lower functioning cannot and are likely to lash out at whoever is not meeting their "needs" at the moment

[Chattgirl]

We've rider is absolutely right. My bp can not hold a job long because he gets angry with someone and just quits. He's not lazy at all he just can't interact long term on the job. All my bps friends are severely dysfunctional and shallow friendships. He has had several people trying to be his friend and he tells me he can't handle anymore friends( in my opinion just not healthy friends.) They all help him in his dysfunction. Supporting him in wild and crazy decisions and even trying to set him up with women behind my back. He is able to look or appear normal or not act out on his friends. They all think I'm crazy and the cause of all the times he walks out on me and all our problems. He saves his dysfunctional behavior for me.

[Rockylove]

Oddly enough, my bf told me rather early in our relationship that someone told him they thought he had Asberger's syndrome which I can see some symptoms that could lead one to that conclusion.  Many people with Asberger's have difficulties relating to people and have very few meaningful friendships.  My bf has 2 friends who he speaks to regularly one of which he's been friends with since their grade school days. 

He's very shy and insecure and has often said that people don't give him a chance, but the reality is that he doesn't give them a chance!  The Asberger's-like behavior shuts down conversation (engaging in one-sided, long-winded conversations, without noticing if the listener is listening or trying to change the subject) and he will blow up because he's not being heard.  This happens when he's talking to me on a regular basis... .  it's difficult to get him to stop and listen because he's too emotionally invested in being heard, but we're working on that

[TigerEye]

To maintain an ongoing interaction with a pwBPD it is normally because of a tie eg family member,SO, or other dysfunctional people who also cant bond with "normal" folks and use each other to validate each other. These relationships are also usually volatile, but due to the ties are endured and recycled.

Dysfunctional as it is meant here is not just odd quirks, but rather cannot function and integrate with other people without causing problems. ie non productive or negative relationships. May have lots of aquaintences but cannot interacted closely for prolong periods, hence few friends other than other dysfunctional people. Often experiences difficulties in holding down a job due to inevitable personality clashes.

I am with this most of the way. Bonds with the children are strong and prolonged, but other family members have had the black treatment, mostly because of the way my SO perceives their attitude towards her, it is never about how she is with them. Even though the fallouts distress her greatly (family is very important to her), she has not been able to make the connection that they feel her behaviour is at the root of the problem. I have seen letters and texts from the family that I feel clearly points this out.

My SO certainly isn't shy, but dysfunctionality is the core of friendships, enablers are prevalent, many of the close friends are addicts or have disorders of their own, relying on each other to validate their behaviours. They fall out often, but it's generally short lived as the need for some one to join her in a drink or something other takes precedence. None of these friends ever question her behaviour, even when clearly inappropriate (she doesn't get that her behaviour at times is overly provocative which has led to some problems), as this would lead them into conflict with their willing and validating friend, and they don't go there. They have said to me on occasions that they don't know how I put up with her, but they don't like it when I point out that they are part of the problem. My SO would generally never dysregulate in front of her friends, but after a trauma she suffered last summer some have now seen another side to her as she has been less able to keep it together at all times, funny how some have since retreated and not been seen again. There are many incidents of people from her past that she describes as "one of my best friends in the world" but I have never seen any sign of contact from any of these people.

Jobs have been another flash point as she has not always been able to take criticism well, or be able to turn up on time, or sober.

[waverider]

often said that people don't give him a chance, but the reality is that he doesn't give them a chance!  The Asberger's-like behavior shuts down conversation (engaging in one-sided, long-winded conversations, without noticing if the listener is listening or trying to change the subject) and he will blow up because he's not being heard.  This happens when he's talking to me on a regular basis... .  it's difficult to get him to stop and listen because he's too emotionally invested in being heard, but we're working on that

I get this often the 5 minute preamble to everything, any attempt to join in or ask questions is met with a snappy "let me finish". So you start to drift off and forget what you were going to ask. Then at the end they say you never let me speak, no one listens to me. Inability to precis anything.

[Chattgirl]

Wave rider you are such a help to us. What you said just caught my attention. My bp says that very same thing all the time.  "Let me finish".    Wow!  They really do want to be heard.  They really desperately need us to listen and understand where they are coming from. I thought for a long time that my bp didn't want to talk but what he wants is to talk and me to just listen.  I can do that .  I just don't know though if we will ever get to be heard. They need the validation.  They get validation for their dysfunctional behaviors through their dysfunctional friends because they just go along with the bp. The bps really just want to hear what makes them feel good. Healthy people couldn't validate the twisted thinking . Other dysfunctional people make the bp feel accepted or understood even if it's validating negative twisted thinking and destructive behaviors. Their friends can really help get them in trouble in a relationship. My bps friends have really helped him to destroy our life. Encouraged cheating and blowing tons of money and other destructive things.