Turning Your BODY off

[Depression = 72% of members]

So when we've processed what happened to a level of awareness and acceptance, how do we get out of the "habit of grief"?

I can feel ok on a conscious and intellectual level. I know the score, understand the illness, and don't want them back.

But my body can feel a bit stuck. I can still feel a weight in my chest... .  a heaviness, that then makes my mind go back to the break-up

It's not as raw by any means. Those first 6 months, I was so sensitised and full of swirling emotions and pain... .  so I know that this is not that.

But whatever THIS is has lingered. I feel like I got to acceptance some time ago, but perhaps the lack of closure; the PTSD etc. still manifests in this way

On a daily basis I still need to snap myself out of a funk I can get stuck in if I am not practising mindfulness, you know?

So when we get to Creative Action and Freedom, does this lingering sadness disappear?

BB12  

[bb12]

So when we've processed what happened to a level of awareness and acceptance, how do we get out of the "habit of grief"?

I can feel ok on a conscious and intellectual level. I know the score, understand the illness, and don't want them back.

But my body can feel a bit stuck. I can still feel a weight in my chest... .  a heaviness, that then makes my mind go back to the break-up

It's not as raw by any means. Those first 6 months, I was so sensitised and full of swirling emotions and pain... .  so I know that this is not that.

But whatever THIS is has lingered. I feel like I got to acceptance some time ago, but perhaps the lack of closure; the PTSD etc. still manifests in this way

On a daily basis I still need to snap myself out of a funk I can get stuck in if I am not practising mindfulness, you know?

So when we get to Creative Action and Freedom, does this lingering sadness disappear?

BB12  

[Whatwasthat]

First of all I think sadness is good actually - it's not pleasant but it usually feels honest to me - and as with all emotions there's something about feeling it completely that allows it to dissipate. It's possible that you're just at a stage now where you're completely 'finding' the grief - and having felt that for a bit your mood will automatically lift of its own accord.

But if things are a bit emotionally stuck it can be - in my own experience - that emotions are being 'stored' in the body and are not moving through the system effectively and need a helping hand to do so.

Have you tried any of the physical therapy methods/meditation practises that can help with this?

I've found various ones helpful at different times. Restorative yoga, cranio-sacral osteopathy, reflexology. Two that are useful - because they can be done at home in your own time - are the David Berceli trauma release exercises and simple meditation. I find 'walking' meditation more useful than 'sitting' meditation to access and shift emotions because it' is by its very nature dynamic and less physically controlled.

Wishing you well. WWT.

[bb12]

Thanks WWT

Great advice. And I've actually Been getting regular massage recently to "move it along"

Doing yoga or the first time on Sunday. I think you're right and that this will come down to physicality and perhaps not having processed the feelings to their natural conclusion

Cheers again

Bb12

[FindingMe2011]

  So when we've processed what happened to a level of awareness and acceptance, how do we get out of the "habit of grief"?   

Im going to presume the term "body" is referring to the subconscious, and what you have processed, is the r/s, to a fair amount of acceptance. I once related to this, as to somewhat the spot, I was probably in, when the r/s with ex started. (habit of grief)

  I can feel ok on a conscious and intellectual level. I know the score, understand the illness, and don't want them back.   

I sense some frustrations, you are directing towards yourself, sound familiar ? Know this is the body(subconscious) attempting to protect the mind(conscious), the way its learned to do. It just shows you, there is still some more work to do, no more, no less, and not being patient, kind and forgiving to yourself, is allowing the subconscious to have its way, once again. When "them" do decide to come back, welcome them, not shun them. I understood this, as the process of bringing my subconscious, and the conscious, a little closer to each other. Which in MHO, is the conflict at its core. The closer I bring these two together, the more freedom, I experience.

  But my body can feel a bit stuck. I can still feel a weight in my chest... .  a heaviness, that then makes my mind go back to the break-up

It's not as raw by any means. Those first 6 months, I was so sensitized and full of swirling emotions and pain... .  so I know that this is not that.

But whatever THIS is has lingered   

How long does it take you, to remind yourself that these feelings, are the results of your inner child learning things the wrong way? Do you allow the adult you, to forgive this child (your words say no) and put these feelings, in their proper place. "This" seems to be, your unresolved core trauma, and it could also be a sign, that you still do, have more processing of the r/s to do. Taking this pain, and relating this to other trauma experiences, past r/s', childhood memories and feelings I came out of childhood with, helped me a lot. Your body is trying to tell your mind something, its time to listen with understanding, not panic, and frustration...

   I feel like I got to acceptance some time ago,   

So you did this with the r/s. Got a phd in BPD. Its now time to accept "you", and get a phd in "you".  Ive heard many times, that pwBPD process a r/s backwards. It was interesting to see, that we process the healing, in a way that could be considered backwards. The body protecting the mind.

  On a daily basis I still need to snap myself out of a funk I can get stuck in if I am not practicing mindfulness, you know?   

This should give you some insight, on how you work. Changing ones thinking on subconscious level, takes work also, there is no magic pill for this either. Is taking some time for your well being each day, a bad thing ? Do you not believe, you deserve to/should do this for yourself. Would you be OK, if you needed to do this daily, for the rest of your life. Do you maintain your vehicle, your home,... .  you. Which ones get the most attention?... .  Its like anything else we do. The more we do things, the more habit forming it becomes, and eventually a way of life, for the most part. For me, it wasnt until I stumbled upon, "Vipassana in plain english", that I learned the true power of my subconscious. I had some understanding, but after conversing with some senior members here, I went at it like I did, when learning of BPD. ( , the burning desire to know) I was very skeptical at first. It took 3-4 months, but from day one, it showed me just how little control of my thoughts, I had, and there was nothing like feeling and touching this power. I have a growing respect for it, because if I allow it, it will run me, and not the other way around. The more I understand it, the less I fear it... .  bb12, there is no finish line. The day I believe, I get there, is the day I choose to miss, and learn things,... .  Ive done this in the past, more times than I can remember.  Every ones method to "turning off the body" is going to vary, like everything else. Keep doing different things, when you feel stuck, because that is what you are, stuck. When you get there, you will "know" ... .  I wish you well, PEACE

[P.F.Change]

You might also want to look into EMDR. It incorporates mindfulness of physical feelings into the memory-processing.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[charred]

I just pushed it out of my mind... was devastated by my exBPDgf dumping me, never dealt with it... sounds like what you want. Didn't work out well at all, 27 yrs later my exBPDgf came around and I bit, and ended up divorced and screwing up my life a second time. You feel bad, because something is gone that mattered to you a great deal, and the proper thing to do when something dies is mourn, and accept it for what it is, a deep loss, you feel it and deal with the pain and hurt and then it can be gone... there is plenty of information on recovering on the board. If there are symptoms after that causing issues, EMDR and the such might help... but the key thing I did was to detach from my feelings, step away from them, and push them out of the way, and it didn't resolve anything, was a mistake and just made the tendency to avoid feelings, situations with feelings, people I felt about, ... .  all became easier to avoid. Feelings are good things, even the bad ones are in you for a reason, they give you feedback on your split second evaluation of a situation. They hurt and they are what makes ecstasy possible... .  avoiding them means losing out. The hard thing with an r/s with a pwBPD... .  you fall hard for an illusion, and the other person made it and seldom has the same feelings, and that yearning for that perfect person... .  is pain from falling for something that didn't exist, doesn't exist and even if you got her back... .  wouldn't be there. (I got mine back... it didn't get better... and I was going to make it work no matter what... .  6-7 recycles later... still didn't work, couldn't and never will.)

A good T can help, and the therapy... might well be mindfulness, which is opposite of what you are asking for, it is connecting to your feelings and learning to just let them be, and that does help... running from them, I was expert... and it left me with many years of very little joy/happiness. Learn from others mistakes.

[maria1]

Hi BB12

You know I'm just throwing this in here because it's a guess based on the stuff you've been posting lately around possible friendship and something else you posted on the leaving board- it feels to me like you might consider going back a step in this to what you loved about your ex.

Have you accepted that there was good stuff too? Was there good stuff? Do you miss that stuff?

I think there's a difficulty that we can jump so far ahead intellectually in this that we miss out on a chunk of grieving where we have to accept the good is gone and it wasn't all bad. That's the stuff that hurts physically and that's the stuff we can deny ourselves by focusing entirely on the bad- we don't allow ourselves the sadness because we think we shouldn't be sad because the relationship became abusive. How can I miss someone who was a total b*****d to me. But if it was all bad we wouldn't have stayed.

I'm just wondering if that heavy feeling is missing the good stuff. Maybe accepting that might help to let it go, in time.

I could be way off mark so just ignore me if I am!

[charred]

maria1-

Good point... I have no problem seeing that there was good and bad, and over time far more bad than good. One of the things that bothers me about pwBPD, is the splitting... my exBPDgf, will go on and on about how the last 4 yrs were pure hell... dismissing that there was anything good. And it is always like that... .  if she wants to make up, it is about how good we are together... making it sound like there was no bad... .  and some was bad, some was good. I mentioned mourning, grieving is another way of putting it, there was something good in each of our r/s, or we would be out and be glad to be out of them, not missing the dysfunctional r/s.

[myself]

BB12, what happens to trigger off your funks? Look as closely at that, when it's happening, as you can. It will lead you towards further healing. Is it memories of the bad times, or the good? Not that it's just one or the other, but could be more one than the other. I agree with Maria, some of this may be denying the good times. Or closer to it: Still grieving for the loss of them, and not having them in the future? Even if you're over your ex, not wanting that person back, seeing through the illness and reaching forgiveness because you have... .  I know I find myself crying harder over the loss of the good stuff more than the negatives that have happened. I understand the disorder made her act out badly, and I don't take that stuff as personally anymore. The disorder also helped her act great with me, and make plans and promises, and those have proven harder for me to let go of. I'm not holding her to them, because we're broken up now. But in my heart I still do, and I feel physical pains from it sometimes, tension, I have bad dreams and etc. Due to hanging onto that better stuff. Which is another of those ironic aspects to this whole situation. The good times are part of what is hurting me the most. I think the only way to get through grieving is to just go through it. There's no time limit, no magical maps, no shortcuts. It's not so much turning something off as much as turning the proper things on. Brings it back to healthier ways of living. Focusing on where the real growth needs to take place.

[bb12]

Thanks maria, charred, myself... .  everyone!

That's a really interesting point. I think I have been pushing myself to reach a level of healing that can not be rushed until I have grieved all of it - good and bad. I have absolutely only grieved the bad... .  the end. And I think I have written any good off as an act. But like you say Myself, the illness brought the good stuff too.

I am at a good stage. It's been over a year NC and I am happy by default. Any lingering sadness or pull needs to be explored for the thought behind it... .  and examined. But I shouldn't feel that htis feeling is wrong or that I will only be cured when this feeling has gone.

Really helpful stuff guys

thank you

BB12

[patientandclear]

I think it's trauma and needs to be processed as trauma.  When the body holds it at that length and to that degree, it seems like a really clear indication.

EMDR or other therapeutic approaches specifically for trauma -- worth trying.

[Grey Kitty]

bb12,

Your title (turning your body off) seems like going at it from a direction I've not found personally helpful.

A thought bodies: Massage and other body work will allow emotions that we have somehow stored or locked into our physical bodies to get out. I've heard about it, I've read about it, and I've even seen it while massaging my wife. I haven't personally experienced anything significant in that sort of release, but I know it does happen. So you may find something there.

My main suggestion is to just embrace and be mindful of the experiences you are having and the feelings that arise with them. You can't change or control them anyhow, and trying to ignore them doesn't do much good either.

I would look at things like yoga or mindfulness (Vipassana) meditation as one way to see what your body still has to tell you. Trying hard to ignore what your body wants to tell you will just cue it to get louder. Listening to it will let it get more quiet, although it may convince you to do something about it.

Good luck on your path!

[Clearmind]

I became accustomed to being on high alert - my dysfunctional childhood required it and my relationships required it.

Is it possible that you don't need to be on high alert anymore and you may be able to accept that life really is full ups and downs on a daily basis.

I also need to practice mindfulness daily. I get triggered too... .  we are not perfect.

You are alive now and it feels strange to be aware - awareness is good! Learning coping skills is good! Practicing is good!