There aren't any resources for me

[stillthere]

I have so much to say and yet nothing will ever change because there's nothing for me. I feel like I am going insane.

[justine1984]

You sound depressed. I don't know what you mean exactly but I would like to know more, if you would like to share.

[thespacebetween]

Is this about your living arrangements? I read a few of your previous posts. It sounds like you are in a very bad position right now. With it is coming some serious depression and fears it appears. It is OK to feel this. IT is OK to feel. You can vent here, you can talk here. No-one will have the right answer for you, because only YOU can make the choices in your life.   It sounds like your very scared and very unsure of making the wrong decisions ( which is something I believe is an issue a lot of adults with BPD parents face)... .  the insecurity and unsure feelings that are constant.  You have to try to believe that things will change, and that you will not be in this same position, feeling these same feelings forever. They might not change tommorow, next week or even next year, but it will change , so hold on to that hope and try to work off of it. And vent as little or as much as you can here , where people can guide you. 

[stillthere]

There aren't any resources for an adult child to leave their parent's home. All I have is $100, I don't have a job even as hard as I've tried, I don't have anything. And the first step is getting out. But I don't have any place to go unless I force myself to become homeless and make myself wonder every night if I'll have a place to sleep, which would just be a continuation of the psychological abuse. I'm scared and I don't even know what to do. I'm lost and the only person who's ever believed me is my psychiatrist. I don't want to live any more. I can't go back. I can't make myself unfat, unscarred, emotionally healthy, feel loved, feel safe, but yet people expect me to take care of myself all by myself, until they say "Well, don't go through things alone." but they never have anything. All help ran out the day I turned 18 and the best way to help myself is to never be able to think about the resentment, the betrayal, the bullying, the hypocrisy, the psychological/emotional destruction... .  And the confusion. It's so confusing when she always goes back and forth between abuse, neglect, and normalcy. Then she tells me that it no longer matters what happens to me because I'm an adult. She threatens to buy less food, she threatens to not take me to the doctor or pay for the doctor, she threatens to kick me out, and she just backs it all  up with things that seem legal: "If you don't like it, you can get out."; ":)o this and if you don't do it, I'll call the police."; My psychiatrist said she projects the bad things onto me. I'm never going to feel safe. I'm never going to be happy. And I'm going to live with the memories of everything that's ever happened to me. Most days I can hardly function. In the past 36 hours, I slept 23 of them. I just don't want to be awake. She hurts me and then she makes me feel like I'm crazy for thinking that. Then I'm so confused and it feels like I can be helped even less. It feels like I have to talk 10,000 people just for 1 who can say "Oh, I know how I can actually help you." I'm far from 10,000 people. I don't want to live, but I can't afford to die.

[justnothing]

Have you tried consulting your psychiatrist or a social worker about this?

If you're unable to work due to psychological issues your psychiatrist might be able to help you get on disability which could also mean rent assistance (depending on which country you're in). Or if you're not qualified for disability there's the possibility of welfare… which is something you could consult a social worker about. You might also be able to find information about it online on the websites of whatever government branch(es) that deal with social assistance or disability and welfare in your country.

[stillthere]

Nope because I don't have access to the mail and even if I did, it's going to take too long.

[justnothing]

Nope because I don't have access to the mail and even if I did, it's going to take too long.

…?

You mean you can't get government assistance because you can't send or receive letters? Is there any option of asking that they direct your letters elsewhere to someone who can pick them up for you? Or maybe get a P.O. box of your own? And does it all have to be done by mail?

[stillthere]

I can't afford a PO Box, at least some of it does, and if I get somebody else to do it for me, I'd have to pay a fee, since I wouldn't actually know an individual or lawyer who's going to do it for free. I can send letters, but since I live in an apartment and there's only one key to the mailbox, she keeps control of the key.

Well, that's another problem... I'm even more confused because my psychiatrist said that the mental disability I was diagnosed with might not be a disability, but might be the same as child abuse.

[justine1984]

For all I know, the social phobia that you mentioned is enough to get help from the state. Clearly it makes it a lot more difficult to work, hence they treat it as if it were physical disability. I'm not american and I don't know the laws there, but I have a friend in an european country that gets help from the state, and I find it hard to believe that in the states, where psychology was really developed as a science, they wouldn't do the same.

[BiancaRose]

Perhaps you could try looking into shelters or services for abused women in your area. The violence doesn't have to come from a marriage or involve a man to count. Many shelters for women who are being abused will let you stay on for a pretty reasonable amount of time if you flee from an abusive situation.

Your therapist may also know of some resources for women that can help you deal with the feelings or get on disability. Even if whatever mental disability you were diagnosed with was related to child abuse, you're clearly showing signs of moderate to severe depression, and that should qualify you.

I know it's really easy to feel completely trapped by the abuse, but don't believe her hype. You have way more strength in you than you realize even to have made it this far.

[lbjnltx]

Hello stillthere,

I just wanted to check back in on you and see how you are getting on.  Are you still going for those long walks?

Have you seen any signs up for jobs while walking?  Anything that peaks your interest?

Lots of very good people here are concerned about you and offering some valid ideas and support.



lbjnltx

[GeekyGirl]

Hi stillthere,

Like the others, I'm concerned about you. There are some excellent suggestions here that I hope you'll read and get some ideas from.

You mentioned that you are having trouble finding a job and making friends, which can be very frustrating (I've been there too). What do you enjoy doing? Have you ever considered volunteering for a cause that you really care about? I know that wouldn't help your immediate financial situation, but that's a great way to network and meet others, which could lead you towards a job down the road.

Please keep us posted on how you're doing. As lbjnktx said, there are many people here that can help. 

[MeanLittleFace]

where do you live?

[stillthere]

The social phobia is undiagnosed though and I don't have money to get it diagnosed.

But I'm not a woman.

I haven't seen any signs. And I don't live near many businesses.

There's this one volunteering thing I've been trying to do, but they haven't contact me back, but it says my application is under review. It supposedly has relocation, though, and they're located in different states. And I enjoy watching TV. I enjoy using computers and doing things with computers, but I can't really concentrate enough to enjoy these things because it's too distracting here. Sometimes I'll just stare blankly at the TV hoping that I can concentrate soon.

Missouri.

[isshebpd]

Are you near a library?

[thespacebetween]

Do you have any family at all? That you could stay with for a day or two ?

[stillthere]

Closest one is 5 miles away and I don't have a car. I could take the bus during the day and pay $2 every day Monday through Friday, but it wouldn't matter much because almost everything that happens starts after the buses stop running, when she comes home from work. But it's me who's such the bad person according... Because she's the one who has a job (though she steals from it)... So she threatens to take away my basic needs... like food, shelter, doctors, etc... She doesn't have to provide it, but every time I've tried to get public assistance to get those things on my own, she flips out and criticizes me about it until I stop trying.

No, my nearest relatives are 300+ miles away and even then they're on mother's side and they'll just tell mother everything about what's going with me. I had my sister, but she went nuts on me too... .  Then it makes me feel like I'm the one with the problem... But my psychiatrist tells me that it's not me with the problem... I just have a messed up family... .  

[stillthere]

I had to ask my psychiatrist like 5 or 6 times how she could be so sure. She said she can't be 100% sure, but she's over 99% sure. And that she's been doing this for a long time. And that she can tell that something wasn't right with mother.

[thespacebetween]

I think your only option unfortunatly with lack of a support system is to try social services. and fight like hell for them to help you. All you need is some help with a place to stay , and some assistance finding a job.  In the meantime, search and search for jobs on craigslist and online since you have that ability.  I would also speak to yout psychiatrist about whether they believe you could get an social security for your mental health issues. OR if you have a "diagnosis".  Then look for free legal support in your area to find out how to apply for it , there is one everywhere, the info should all be online.   Even if it takes a year to get the $$, it is something to look forward to, to hold out hope for etc.   

I think Social services is your only option here.  And yes, it sucks.  there's no sugarcoating it. Your in a really awful place, and all you have left is yoru fight... .  so fight.  Fight to get out of there, tooth and nail.   Ask your psychatrist for referrals to supports, beg if you have to. Beg Social services. Someone will listen. You just have to keep the fight in you. 

Lots of good thoughts sending your way... .  You can do this!

[momtara]

Is there a NAMI chapter around, and do they have an email contact?  They are a group for people dealing with family members who have mental illness.  Someone there may be able to help you.  National Alliance on Mental Illness.  There are local chapters and a national chapter.  Trying finding an email address.

Please don't give up.  You are a good writer and seem like an interesting person... .  you have much to give the world.  And in some way, you are helping your parents even if they're abusive, so take heart in knowing that on some level you have helped them.  Now it is time for you to be the one who is helped.  As you can see by the reactions here, there are people who want to help you and chat with you, the question is finding some who are close geographically to you.

I think your psychiatrist should help you if you can be honest and tell her what kind of help you want.

[Satori]

Unfortunately I have no suggestions, but wanted to say that I understand, that I feel for you, that I also am living with a mentally ill parent (or she is living with me, rather, not that it really matters) and that I know how horrible it can be. I feel the same way you do some days.

[stillthere]

Social services? What specifically? SSI, but can't apply right now because they send things through the mail and I don't actually have personal access to the mail in my present situation. And yeah, that's why I've been trying to get it is referrals.

NAMI... I'll go see if they have contact info or a local website. I'm not sure exactly what I should say, though. Hmmm, "Hi, I think mother has BPD, but is undiagnosed. She is not getting any sort of help. And I think she projects her need for help onto me."

And yeah, even with the lock on my bedroom door, I can hear her yelling from other rooms or she just talks through my door, and raises her voice so the neighbors can sometimes hear her asking private questions that seem to be intended to humiliate me, rather than to figure out anything useful.

[thespacebetween]

social services meaning a local welfare office.   And yes with NAMI, call and tell them just that, the truth. They will "get it" .   Was owndering what you psychiatrist suggest you do? Do you have a therapist as well?  Could you use their address for the SSI paperwork?  Could you contact a lawyer and let them help you ( the free legal aid) . Look for the phone number on line for your local SSI office and ask them how do you apply without a physical address, explain to them the issue, tell them your homeless if neccesary.

[MeanLittleFace]

in most large towns there is a "youth and family services" office.  it is staffed with social worker types.  you could just go there and say, I don't know where to begin, and tell them your story, and see what they have to offer.

here is my town's office: www.ci.guilford.ct.us/youth-family-services.htm

[GeekyGirl]

in most large towns there is a "youth and family services" office.  it is staffed with social worker types.  you could just go there and say, I don't know where to begin, and tell them your story, and see what they have to offer.

That's a good idea. Along the same lines, most counties also have a Board of Health that might be able to point you in the right direction.

[stillthere]

Well, I contacted NAMI. I'm waiting for a response. And no, I don't have a therapist. And the lawyers just have a thing saying they are not counselors. And okay, I will see what I can do about social services when they're open again.

[MeanLittleFace]

do you have a bike?  is there anything you can bike to?

[stillthere]

The tires have been deflated for years and the seat won't stay still. >.<

[briefcase]

Well, I contacted NAMI. I'm waiting for a response. And no, I don't have a therapist. And the lawyers just have a thing saying they are not counselors. And okay, I will see what I can do about social services when they're open again.

These are good steps to take.     Sometimes, just starting to take action can be helpful.  Try to build on the momentum.  Let us know what they say.

[ScarletOlive]

stillthere, if you have earbuds or headphones, they are good for blocking out unwanted noise. I found some decent headphones for $10 at the local drugstore. I wear them whenever my parents are yelling, and turn my music up.

There might be a men's shelter nearby, or a shelter offering employment services for men? Community colleges also have career centers and work opportunities. There's jobs on Craigslist sometimes too.

I don't know if any of these are helpful, but I care very much and can relate to your situation. I'm still living at home with my dad, and was living with my BPDm up until a few months ago as well. It gets better.