Just Wait Right There

[bb12]

So did your exBPD tell you they needed space and to sit tight... .  ?

Thinking back, mine never actually ended it cleanly, preferring to have me wait until he was ready to re-engage... .  (not that he ever intended to)

In fact, my breaking of this rule is what led to further withdrawal and end.

But how long was I meant to wait?

As it stood, I waited 4 months before sending 'Hi'... .  to which he raged that I had not respected him.

As with all things borderline, he was so clever and on paper is blameless. But when you're dating someone and they want some space, isn't 4 months long enough? Isn't that already too long if wanting to actually work on a r/ship or salvage it?

My view is that it was over for him, but that he wanted me as an option... .  in the background. I have no doubt now that he was onto the next and had no intention of ever coming back to the friendship... .  I believe I was waiting and that he wasn't waiting for even one second... .  I believe he wasn't actually off working on 'us' but on to new supply.

All ancient history now. But that feeling of being stuck waiting was hard to get rid of. That's the niggling feeling I carried right through my healing... .  

tough stuff

bb12

[GustheDog]

So did your exBPD tell you they needed space and to sit tight... .  ?

Thinking back, mine never actually ended it cleanly, preferring to have me wait until he was ready to re-engage... .  (not that he ever intended to)

In fact, my breaking of this rule is what led to further withdrawal and end.

But how long was I meant to wait?

As it stood, I waited 4 months before sending 'Hi'... .  to which he raged that I had not respected him.

As with all things borderline, he was so clever and on paper is blameless. But when you're dating someone and they want some space, isn't 4 months long enough? Isn't that already too long if wanting to actually work on a r/ship or salvage it?

My view is that it was over for him, but that he wanted me as an option... .  in the background. I have no doubt now that he was onto the next and had no intention of ever coming back to the friendship... .  I believe I was waiting and that he wasn't waiting for even one second... .  I believe he wasn't actually off working on 'us' but on to new supply.

All ancient history now. But that feeling of being stuck waiting was hard to get rid of. That's the niggling feeling I carried right through my healing... .  

tough stuff

bb12

Yeah, that sounds about right.  That's what they do.  It's ridiculous, and, really, so are they.

I proposed to my ex.  She said, "Not right now."  And then raged at me (re the proposal) for trying to "manipulate" her.  Oh, alright.  I understand.  I guess you must have meant something else when you were telling me you wanted to get married.  It's cool.  I'll just be up here on the shelf with all your old toys.

I realized I too have been "waiting," and I've only recently put a stop to that after about 4 months in these past few weeks.  It's so bogus, and I know now that having her back in my life would be asking point-blank for it to be joyless, angst-ridden, and probably short.

[daintrovert13]

Hi bb12

I just went through the same thing. I actually just posted something here.

I was basically told that I needed to wait while she "found her self".

I was told she would be back. When I figured out she was trying to replace me

and I confronted her... .  that's when the beast came out.

Told me to stay away and I was "jepordizing" her "happiness".

Huh? What? Didn't you tell me to wait? *confused*.

When that relationship attempt failed. Which I witnessed first hand due to her

displaying everything online. I mean everything. She even took pictures of her self crying in the mirror

because my replacement figured her out and dumped her. Very disturbing. After that she was back texting me and telling me how much she missed what we had. Once she felt she had me waiting again.

She proposed to another replacement with in three days of simply chatting with them. Not meeting, but chatting online. To top it off the person lives in AU.

When that started seeing hard times. Obviously, its long long long distance. That's when I got more

texts saying ,miss your family, miss you, sorry etc. So I have to wait and have no new relationship while you go marry your Fiance in AU? What do we do? Stay and try to help because we know them best or adopt some of their seemingly selfish behavior and Leave for good?

[GustheDog]

Hi bb12

I just went through the same thing. I actually just posted something here.

I was basically told that I needed to wait while she "found her self".

I was told she would be back. When I figured out she was trying to replace me

and I confronted her... .  that's when the beast came out.

Told me to stay away and I was "jepordizing" her "happiness".

Huh? What? Didn't you tell me to wait? *confused*.

When that relationship attempt failed. Which I witnessed first hand due to her

displaying everything online. I mean everything. She even took pictures of her self crying in the mirror

because my replacement figured her out and dumped her. Very disturbing. After that she was back texting me and telling me how much she missed what we had. Once she felt she had me waiting again.

She proposed to another replacement with in three days of simply chatting with them. Not meeting, but chatting online. To top it off the person lives in AU.

When that started seeing hard times. Obviously, its long long long distance. That's when I got more

texts saying ,miss your family, miss you, sorry etc. So I have to wait and have no new relationship while you go marry your Fiance in AU? What do we do? Stay and try to help because we know them best or adopt some of their seemingly selfish behavior and Leave for good?

Wow, she sounds pretty extreme.  I don't know what's worse, though, because my ex wears very convincing masks - she knows better than to be that transparent.

However, she was on a dating site a week after I proposed to her, which is pretty messed up.  And that's just when I felt like checking - she could have been there well before our r/s ended.

As to what you do - you GTFO.  Go back up there and read your own post again.  What do you think life would be like when this person owns half your assets?  Raising children?  Remaining faithful?  Please. 

[daintrovert13]

Well I thank God I didn't go as far as marriage and kids.

Its just sad to watch someone you loved and care for so much self destruct

right in front of your face. She even recently changed her name. As if she wants

to be someone totally different. That's how I know its getting worse as she age.

If this disorder has stages then shes probably in the last. But your right I need a life also.

My only fear is if I move on she finds out and try to wreck it or hound me or some other

impulsive behavior. Playing it calm and cool.

[GustheDog]

She's been self-destructing her entire life - well before you came on the scene.  You watched an actress put on a show for a little while, that's all.  It was a really great show, but it's over now.

Just be an adult, since she can't, and move on.  Change your number if necessary, or whatever else you need to do.  She sounds extremely toxic.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh.  I don't mean to be - I'm sure you loved her.  But just remember that she didn't show you *all* of her until now.  Is that who you fell in love with?  I doubt it.

[daintrovert13]

She's been self-destructing her entire life - well before you came on the scene.  You watched an actress put on a show for a little while, that's all.  It was a really great show, but it's over now.

Just be an adult, since she can't, and move on.  Change your number if necessary, or whatever else you need to do.  She sounds extremely toxic.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh.  I don't mean to be - I'm sure you loved her.  But just remember that she didn't show you *all* of her until now.  Is that who you fell in love with?  I doubt it.

Oh no... .  everything you are saying is true... I knew it all. I just chose to overlook it all for the sake

of "love" . The same love she never believed I had for her. But then again she did. But wait no she didn't... .  *shakin my head* I bet bb12 can relate.

[KellyO]

Yes, I was told to wait and give him time. I tried, and couldn't do it. I blamed myself for being "clingy". I couldn't see how much traumatized I was, and how only thing he really needed was a swift kick in his nuts. He needed time to think and to "know himself". Now, when you hear stuff like that you think it is understandable. For a normal person. But we might already have a feeling that nothing is normal with this person. I couldn't trust him, and was of course blaimed of thinking "he is like all men".

So there he is enjoying the knowledge of me agonizing and longing after him, feeling pursued. Finally I had it after two months. I said he has to know what he wants, because he refuses to give me any promises  not looking after other women in this "me-time". At the same time he still had nerve to demand that if we get back together, I have to promise we would live together at some point. So I should have made all the promises, and he got to make all the demands. Exactly like always. So I said this is it, I can't take this anymore, be alone, be with yourself if you so much want it. What you think he did right after that? Online profile on the dating site. God I'm angry when I write this.  How can he not see what he does? How can he excuse his behaviour time after time? How does he justify it? Does he not have ANY dignity?

I raised hell and we got back together right there. I still don't know which one of us got what he/she wanted. It was the last time, and if any man ever tells me to wait I walk out and never look back.

I feel for you, and you are so much better without that person in your life 

[almost789]

Yes, mine to. How long should we wait? Thats individual. How long do you want to wait? Mine pushes and pulls over and over again. He dissappears for weeks on end without warning or explanation. Just when things are getting all warm and fuzzy, hes gone. Completely. Then comes back wanting to pick back up like nothing happened. This has been going on with mine for a full year. I dont want to wait anymore. Im tired of being at his beck and call whenever he wants. When he can drop me off a cliff at anytime. Its not healthy for me.

[GustheDog]

My ex does this thing with her Facebook page where she blocks and then, later, unblocks me.  When I'm unblocked, her profile picture is of us.

The even weirder thing is that we were never FB friends - she wouldn't allow it.  She made it out to be a mature, responsible thing - you know, "it seems like something that could create unnecessary drama."  Right, like she knows anything about avoiding unnecessary drama.  But this was back when she was mirroring a person with solid values, so, clearly I trusted her judgment like I'd trust myself!

Anyway, when I first saw this a few months post breakup, it kind of melted me a little.  And then, when it disappeared, and then came back, and then disappeared again, the nauseating manipulation and sheer childish immaturity of the whole thing slammed down on me like a ton of bricks.  She refuses to speak to me - AT ALL - but she's doing this?  And she's 27 with a masters degree?  And I was seriously going to marry her without any hesitation at all just a few months ago?

She's just a very broken person, and I get incredibly sad when I think about that fact.  But not sad like I used to when we first broke up.  That was yearning, and feelings of shame, and feeling that I was bad and that I didn't deserve her.  The sadness I feel now is for the tragic way she has to live her life.  I still miss her and care about her, but I can't take the pain she causes me anymore.

[almost789]

Mine does weird subliminal stuff like that too. Its his way of pushing my buttons and causing a reaction, its also his passive aggressive way of pulling me back as when i start getting these messages from him, he knows I will initiate contact. Im not playing the game anymore and im ignoring him and its getting more an more. Im wondering what kind of strange unexplainable email im going to get in my inbox next. Im wondering if I ignore him long enough if hell go into extinction burst. Im so tired of these games. Childish, just like a two year old.

[GustheDog]

What do you suppose they think/feel when they do these things?  I'm trying to picture her sitting at her computer and pulling these stunts.  What's the internal monologue look like?

[almost789]

I think they do it to see if they can get a reaction. If they get a reaction, then its proof to them you still care, and not just that, its also supply for their narcissistic traits of fueling off our reaction. They will take even negative reactions as a form of attention. It makes them feel important and it also gives them a scapegoat for their pain because if we react negatively, then they believe they can blame us for everything.

[bb12]

I think they do it to see if they can get a reaction. If they get a reaction, then its proof to them you still care, and not just that, its also supply for their narcissistic traits of fueling off our reaction. They will take even negative reactions as a form of attention. It makes them feel important and it also gives them a scapegoat for their pain because if we react negatively, then they believe they can blame us for everything.

Spot on!

The ultimate supply on the way out is something passive aggressive like the silent treatment or making us wait. It ensures supply as we react to the withdrawal and become needy in our attempt to right the sinking ship. It also serves as some kind of energy source as they surreptitiously seek out urgent new supply. Only when bolstered by this new source, are they confident enough to cut the tie. But sometimes they don't. They collect us. Hanging in the ether of their memory lime frogs in fomaldehyde!

Bb12

[freshlySane]

We argued a lot and one day at work she had o bring her kids to work i had to leave my second job to come to work... .  (She worked for me because she didn't want to do the work program for public assistance). because her son threw up i rushed over and i came to relieve her i paid for a taxi for her and the kids to go home she hugged me and told me. Give her time to get over the hurt i caused her later that night this was the convo


me: is this better?

her: Yes

me: up to do something anything

10:18 PM

wanna watch love and hiphop

10:20 PM

her: i dont want to watch it

10:21 PM

me: is there something youd like to do

10:22 PM

her: no now my head hurts

10:23 PM

me: i apologize for making your headache worst

10:25 PM

her: ok

10:26 PM

me: are you going to go to sleep

her: no

me: other then your head physically how are you

her: fine

10:28 PM

me: what ya doing

10:29 PM

her@aol.com: nothing

10:31 PM

me: ill bring you lunch tommorrow what would you like and i did apperciate all you did today it wasnt that i didnt apperciate you and all you did and do my man concern was you how all of this trickles down to you and the kids

10:32 PM

her: i have my own food dont worry about it

me: we always get to this point you not wanting anythign from me

her: ok

10:33 PM

me: we are a team yes i have been introverted before but now im being more upfront with my thought on things that affect you the kids and us i just want to work with you

10:34 PM

Her: thankyou for the thought

10:35 PM

me: we hugged you told me how much you love me and how im your husband you asked me to give you time ... .  i am but in the mean time of you learning to forgive me and let go of the hurt ... .  why dont we work on building this life together

[Faded]

Pretty much the reason we are here i think.

If they had the notion to actually end the r/s in a moral fashion they wouldnt of been lining up their next partner. Swinging from what was a solid(ish) r/s to fun n frolics behind our backs.

For me it was a culmination of various events by the ex, leavin me feeling insecure, lack of mature communication, backing away from me, disappearing for nights out, random strangers on the street corner.

Looking back i was slowly being forced out of a relationship that i wasnt prepared to be forced out of.

I guess if id of walked at the begining i wouldnt of gone through all this aggro/pain etc but then the dynamics of a child and 5 years behind meant my morals told me to fight beyond this madness, although unbeknown to myself my efforts were futile because her madness was unconciously intentional.

When it was clear to the ex i was prepared to work through it kind of went against all her plans to line someone up then have me be the one to walk away whilst her new flame becomes her hero and saviour.

Well that ~ didnt happen and i kept my sanity to a degree through it all and with i guess i maintained a certain amount of dignity for myself and some respect from the ex's family.

At one stage i remember a real nice evening, i got evening meal prepared and all hell let loose! Totally out of the blue then she was screaming 'i dare you to leave' (Desparate for her plans to go the way she wanted them), i was in disbelief.

The point being these people do not morally end relationships as they need a back up plan.

This being the cause of us feeling no closure and total confusion about the ending of the relationship.

I find the above sentence actually logical for a person with PD, it doesnt make it ok in anyway but i just see that someone so far  away from healthy see's the above actions totally logical to their existance. Hence they still want to be friends ready for the music to start and the dance to begin again.

Ending a r/s is never easy but there is certain morals that take precidence in such an act and healthy people know how to treat another person in respect of falling out of love or various other non 3rd party dynamics.

Unhealthy dont feel that obligation, the only obligation is to themselves and morals are pretty much non existent.

[findingmyselfagain]

When we "officially" broke off the engagement she told me it wasn't fair for me to wait on her to "get it together." And she couldn't "put a time on it." She said she "couldn't" date, but she understood if I wanted to date around. We'd hang out in two months, lunch and a movie. (Even though she couldn't put a time on it?). If we ended up getting back together we would marry in the courthouse. But when we walked down in the dining room with her parents, she said she needed to pay back part of the wedding costs. So, are we going to hang out again, or not? What's the dealy-o? As I left, she kissed me and told me I was an awesome guy. ?

Toward the end she started taking down pictures of us, our engagement announcement, and just stopped wearing the ring. No discussion. No attempt to resolve anything. Just tantrums and wanting more time to herself. A long time down the road, she told me she was having severe panic attacks and pointed to me as the source of all the problems! Sure, I'm not perfect, but how "normal" or "healthy" was any of that treatment? Especially when I treated her and her daughter like gold. I heard from several of her co-workers at the time who were close enough to her to confirm her extreme relationships, and their surprise at how fast she fell for me, and puzzlement at the abrupt ending. So pretty much just classic borderline.

The real question is why did I commit so much so quickly to someone who had a poor relationship history and who I hardly knew?

Two years out of the FOG and I'm in a much better place, but I don't think it's easy to forget the tornado that wrecked your house and sent your belongings to the four corners of the earth. Fortunately time dims the memories and acceptance of the illogic of the disorder makes more and more sense.

[waitaminute]

Bb12,

"like frogs in formaldehyde"

Yeah. I think "like frogs in the refrigerator" or "frogs in hibernation" resonates with me. Way back in biology class, we learned that you can keep frogs alive and fresh by imposing hibernation conditions. You can actually put them in the refrigerator! And then when you warm em up, their hearts beat, their muscles work... .  In short, they are ready for whatever horrible experiments the researcher have for them. But... .  To carry the analogy even further... .  it you take those frogs out and just let em warm up for awhile without letting them nourish and heal, and then put em back in the frige, after a few times they emaciate and die. The researchers then have to get a new supply of frogs.

Terrible analogy... .  Terrible in that it's kinda true at the emotional level for many BPD partners.

Frogs in the frige

[benny2]

I was asked after I moved out if I would wait for him to get his head together. A few weeks after that he told me he was on a mission to get me to move back in. I told him the only way I would even consider it was if he was willing to have a commited relationship, ( I actually only said it to put him to the test) and sure enough he no longer wanted me to move in. Thats when I decided to say goodbye. I was nothing more than one of his collection that he did not want to loose.

[almost789]

Waitaminute: "Way back in biology class, we learned that you can keep frogs alive and fresh by imposing hibernation conditions. You can actually put them in the refrigerator! And then when you warm em up, their hearts beat, their muscles work... .  In short, they are ready for whatever horrible experiments the researcher have for them. But... .  To carry the analogy even further... .  it you take those frogs out and just let em warm up for awhile without letting them nourish and heal, and then put em back in the frige, after a few times they emaciate and die. The researchers then have to get a new supply of frogs."

Is this really true? Reading things like this make me want to hurt him. Then I can read something else that makes me feel sorry for him. Ughhh.

[waitaminute]

Lifegoeson2,

Its true about frogs and friges. It's a good analogy. But don't carry it so far as to think that your ex knew the consequences of putting you in and taking you out of hibernation. Give a damaged 5 year old a frog ( or an adult's heart) and you really cant expect the frog to have a good outcome.

[almost789]

OMG, that is so true. I am the frog here I think.

[freshlySane]

they want people to stay in hibernation when my ex recycled me before she was so mad to find a letter i wrote to a women while we was broken up. she was living with her girlfriend at the time and she got mad and questioned me. I said that was my friend we hung out and yes we did sleep together but it ended it wasn't meant to be. You can not fault me for moving on as well, she said ok and life went on later in many arguments shed say go be with so and so i always looked at her like wow. She faulted me for dating and sleeping with another women as a single man its crazy

[KellyO]

She faulted me for dating and sleeping with another women as a single man its crazy

I must say this can happen in any relationship with breaks and other people involved during breaks. Seen it many times.

[tailspin]

bb,

You could have waited 4 months or 4 years and it wouldn't have made a bit of difference; he placed you in a "no win" situations and people with BPD are notorious for doing this.  It's manipulation and control and they thrive on it.  You lose if you give him space.  You lose if you don't.  You lose because this isn't about you but it's easier for him to blame you than it is to take responsibility for his own life.  

My expwBPD would tell me he needed his space, needed to find himself, or whatever words he thought would work to get me out of his life.  He only wanted me when it suited his purpose.  We become their puppets and it's a horrible way to live.  

Try not to second guess what you did other than to find the core wound within yourself that compelled you to do so.  You have come so far bb.  Be proud of what you've done to get to this place right now.

tailspin

[WideAwake]

I have heard the "just wait right there" sentiment so many times from my udPBDbf that I have lost count.  It's been years.  Seriously, you can't make this stuff up.  I am his other woman.  Please try not to judge me.  I was head over heels in love by the time I found out that he had not been honest with me about his marital status. A master of lies and manipulation beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  I suppose at that point the "right thing to do" would have been to walk (or maybe run) away but I never wanted to be another person who validated his "everyone always leaves me" feelings.

He will tell me he needs time and space to find himself, to figure out his career, to figure out his other relationship.  Every time he asks for space I am respectful of this and try to understand what he wants from me during the time he is taking space. He will tell me that, although he knows it is unrealistic and unfair, in a perfect world he wants me to wait for him - but then in the same breath says he would never actually ask me to do that.  I feel like he frequently and impulsively ends things between us to stop his pain, but then when he realizes that I may actually be gone / he may have really lost me that starts a whole new type of pain for him and he can't seem to live with or tolerate either one.   

When he asks for space and time I give it to him, but then almost immediate insecure little texts, emails, etc. start to come my way as though he regrets what he has done.  If I don't answer or if I answer with a gentle reminder that he asked for space he will start to accuse me of distancing myself of pulling away from him. I try so hard to apply the old saying of "if you love something set it free" to our relationship, but apparently he can take what I believe to be the ultimate gesture of love and kindness and turn even that in to a no-win situation.  If I don't give him space I am being selfish and not respecting his needs.  If I do then I am punished for that too.  Damned if you do, damned if you don't. He wants to be reassured that I haven't "forgotten him" or "found someone else already" - I'm talking 24 hours later. (No, the irony of the fact that he is saying these things to me as his other woman is not lost on me.)  I guess because he knows what he would do under those circumstances he has a hard time understanding that my brain doesn't work the same way?  Usually his inquires start out nice, sweet, pensive... .  but when he doesn't get the kind of response he wants when he wants it he can become mean - passive aggressive, defensive, spiteful etc.  This behavior is very confusing and leaves me feeling like I can't do anything right.   

It's like he doesn't want to commit to me, but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either because then I won't "belong" to him anymore.  He claims he doesn't like the situation, but at the same time it seems likes he does like the security of feeling like I am there as a back up plan, another option, on a leash, a security blanket - call it what you will.  He doesn't call me those things - but that is how I feel... .  and it feels bad.     

I feel like things have become too emotionally overwhelming for him - beyond what he can deal with or really process.  I feel like my willingness to "wait right there" is just enabling him to continue to not face any of his issues. If I believed walking away would help him to resolve or at least face his issues I think I could do it - out of love for him.  But what I worry is more likely the case is that as soon as I walk away I will be replaced with another someone.  I'd imagine there is always another someone.  I mean, if you were convinced everyone will eventually abandon you why wouldn't you always be looking for the next best thing?   I guess what keeps me trapped in this cycle is the belief that I am something special - that I am different than the others.  We all want to believe we are special, right?

I believe this behavior will continue for as long as I allow it to.  I also believe he is in an immense amount of emotional pain and I don't want to be the cause of that for him.  At what point to do walk away from someone like this and stop doing the "wait right here" bit?  Not out of vindictiveness.  Not out of spite.  Not to be cruel.  But in order to emotionally be the "adult" and put them out of their own misery in regards to you? 

[benny2]

At what point do you walk away? Now! I went through the same exact thing for years with mine. Thought that I was someone really special because he could not stop thinking about me. One day out of the blue, there he was at my work waiting for me to come out on my lunch break. Confessed his ever dying love to me and told me he was getting a divorce. OMG my dreams have come true. I am finally going to be with this man of my dreams and live happily ever after. He purchased a home, called it ours. I left my home of 23 years and most of my belongings only to move into a nightmare. He started cheating right off the bat with his ex and others, menipulating, or should I say tried to menipulate me, he never fooled me for a second. The games began. All of a sudden he was someone else. I was just a replacement, thats all. Now that I am gone, I am pretty sure he's replacing me with his ex. How crazy is that!

[bb12]

You could have waited 4 months or 4 years and it wouldn't have made a bit of difference; he placed you in a "no win" situations and people with BPD are notorious for doing this.

We become their puppets and it's a horrible way to live.  

Try not to second guess what you did other than to find the core wound within yourself that compelled you to do so.

tailspin

Thanks Tailspin. Yeah - what a journey! Thank you for the encouragement you've given me the entire way. That final point of yours is the greatest uh-huh moment of all... .  finding out where this all came from... .  within ourselves. The focus comes off them and onto us and real healing from a lifelong wound begins. x BB

[daintrovert13]

bb,

You could have waited 4 months or 4 years and it wouldn't have made a bit of difference; he placed you in a "no win" situations and people with BPD are notorious for doing this.  It's manipulation and control and they thrive on it.  You lose if you give him space.  You lose if you don't.  You lose because this isn't about you but it's easier for him to blame you than it is to take responsibility for his own life.  

My expwBPD would tell me he needed his space, needed to find himself, or whatever words he thought would work to get me out of his life.  He only wanted me when it suited his purpose.  We become their puppets and it's a horrible way to live.  

Try not to second guess what you did other than to find the core wound within yourself that compelled you to do so.  You have come so far bb.  Be proud of what you've done to get to this place right now.

tailspin

This is so on point tailspin... .  

You stay around you don't care

You stay far away you don't care

At this point you pick what's right for you.

I chose to stay away... I feel like a puppet when i'm around her.

[KellyO]

  At what point to do walk away from someone like this and stop doing the "wait right here" bit?

When to leave the pain behind? When you have had enough of pain. Not sooner, not later. It is up to you how much pain you are willing to tolerate.

Situation can stay like that for 20 years, because it is perfect for HIM. Try to see the big picture and what he gets out of it. I know it is hard, when you are all over with  your feelings and big heart and understanding. It is co-dependent, and I know it because I'm one. If you have CoDa in your area, go there and listen, you might find something familiar. And then you might find out why you did not turn your back to that manipulative, immature man long ago. It is not like he "does not want to commit to you", he does not commit to you, and he does not have to because he has a wife already! And he will not leave that wife. And if he leaves, you will be the new wife and someone else is new you. He will not change.

Try to change the focus from him to you   you have rights, and you have life of your own.