Has anyone found love after thier BPDex

[trevjim]

It scares me ill never find love again after falling in love with my BPDex, im scared ill never get over her and find anyone who makes me feel the way she once did.

[gettingoverit]

It depends what your question is. Will you find love after BPD? Yes you will, you just need time to heal and move on from this situation. I didn't start dating anyone until almost a year after my BPD nightmare. I have had to really work hard at not falling into the same habits that I formed with my xBPDgf. My current gf is relatively healthy and there are no red flags. This is a great thing. Give it time and healing... you will love again.

If your question is will you ever feel the same way with someone else as you did with your ex... well... .  NO, you will never find anyone that will make you feel like your ex did... .  that's a good thing because what your ex gave you was very unhealthy and contributed to why you are feeling the way you do now. Having someone worship the ground you walk on is not healthy, having someone devalue you and abuse you is not healthy and finally having someone discard you like a piece of trash is also not healthy for you emotionally. You don't ever want to find yourself in a BPD relationship again. Heathly relationships will not have these crazy ups and downs, worships and devalues, and if they do come to an end it will never be as traumatic as what we went through with our BPDs. Pray you never feel that way again... because if you do you are most likely with another pd.

[AllyCat7]

Well considering that I dated and loved two people with BPD and one with BPD tendencies, I think the answer is a  clear yes . But the real question I think we need to ask ourselves is if we can fall in love with a healthy, non-BPD person. That will be a true test of our healing and growth.

[daintrovert13]

It scares me ill never find love again after falling in love with my BPDex, im scared ill never get over her and find anyone who makes me feel the way she once did.

I felt the same way up until she came back to me asking for closure 9 months later.

During the conversation I asked her:

"So you're telling me... with in the nine months you've

been with your Fiance, you love her more than you ever did

me in the 5yrs we've been together."

I'm pretty sure you guys know what the answer was.

It was then I started to realize that they probably never did... can not... or never will Love us

like a person without PD can. It was then I started to slowly fall out of it with her. The more

I read these threads and posts the more I fall out of love. I feel like I was in a faux relationship.

btw... .  this Fiance is someone that she proposed to after 3 days of chatting online.

So I'm guessing some BPD's believe in "love at first online presence". Don't worry you will

feel better and you WILL find some one to Love you for you again. Only this time it will be Real.

[gettingoverit]

Well considering that I dated and loved two people with BPD and one with BPD tendencies, I think the answer is a  clear yes . But the real question I think we need to ask ourselves is if we can fall in love with a healthy, non-BPD person. That will be a true test of our healing and growth.

I think we have to be careful that we don't set ourselves up to meet a "perfectly" healthy person. I don't think that ever happens. EVERYONE has issues of some type or other. It's just to what degree. Falling in love with a BPD is very easy because they seem to have this knack for burrowing deep into our souls with their idealization. I think it is possible to fall in love with a non, we just have to make damn sure that we are as healthy as we can be, and know the warning signs of a pd. Once you do  those things, avoiding a pd person should be easier.

[SWLSR]

No right now I don't think I can love.  The BPD divorce left me with third degree emotional burns.  I am only learning how not to be afraid to be hurt.  I order to love you have to be not be afriad to be hurt.

[BillTheCat]

I'm still on the undecided board, but wandered here and thought I'd add my $.02.

I think in order to be able to find love, we need to first learn to love ourselves again.  After prolonged time with a BPD x, I imagine that many of us will need to relearn that lesson.

[charred]

You can find love, its not the same... I was dumped by my exBPDgf long ago, met a number of people... was slow getting back to dating, met a wonderful woman (reminded me of my pwBPD) we dated, lived together and married, had a daughter ... .  and my exBPDgf showed back up... .  and still managed to get to me... .  I ended up getting a divorce and then things went wrong over and over with the pwBPD... so I have neither now. Both are interested... I feel too burned to do anything but get T right now.

The intensity wasn't there with the non-BPD... and that made me think the BPD was "true love"... .  but now, painfully, I know that true love is love that lasts... not the dysfunctional, yet quite intense thing we have with a pwBPD. I tried many times to make it work with my pwBPD... and it just turned out horribly each time. Not sure if I should go back with my exwife... we have been apart 3 yrs and I am just now getting comfortable being alone. I don't ever want to go through a divorce again... .  but this one was made super extra horrible by having a BPDgf at the time... .  I was such a fool.

[Tausk]

It scares me ill never find love again after falling in love with my BPDex, im scared ill never get over her and find anyone who makes me feel the way she once did.

I'd say that I hope that I never find the same feelings again.  I've gone through two gfswBPD and the feelings were the same each time.  So if I want it again, I can find it.  There are other are plenty of pwBPD who are available, cuz aren't they always available no matter what their situation.  And all of these pwBPD will, if I permit it: mirror me, seduce me, abuse me, paint me black, leave me, forget me, and lay with another man.

But now that I know better, I'll never settle for the an interaction based on my shame.  My ex was an addiction, and yes the high of addiction is intense.  But it's never real, it's never sustainable, and it's never a two way street, and it's always shame based. And I know that it was never love in the sense of partners or even friends.  It wasn't never possible with my ex.  

It was delightful at times, the same as when I tease and bring joy to a three year old who mirrors my delight.  But never love.  It was never reciprocated.  And it's a testament of how damaged I was before I met my ex that I would think that what I had with her was love.  It's absolutely no different from a woman who gets beat up by her boyfriend over and over and over again and goes back each time because she says it's love.

It's a trauma bond.  It's not love.  And the fact that to this day I feel like going back for more abuse and psychosis lets me know how how damaged I really am.

IT WASN'T LOVE.  IT NEVER WAS LOVE.  IT WASN'T EVEN A RELATIONSHIP.  IT WAS AN INTERACTION.  IT WAS ONE DIRECTIONAL.  IT WAS NEVER THE SAME FOR ME AS IT WAS FOR MY EX.  SO THE FACT THAT I THOUGHT WE WERE ON THE SAME PAGE AND IN LOVE, IS JUST ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF HOW MUCH WORK I NEED TO DO ON MYSELF.  

So I don't worry about ever loving someone like my ex again.  I worry about whether I'll ever mend enough to learn to love in the first place.  But I have faith that as long as I stay the course, keep NC, and work on my own inventory, that I'll be able to love myself, love someone else, and be loved by someone else in a manner that allows me to be stronger and better from the relationship.  Those hopes were never possible with my ex.

[morningagain]

It scares me ill never find love again after falling in love with my BPDex, im scared ill never get over her and find anyone who makes me feel the way she once did.

I'd say that I'll probably never find the same feelings again.  My ex was an addiction, and yes the high of addiction is intense.  But it's never real, it's never sustainable, and it's never a two way street.


And I know that it was never love in the sense of partners or even friends.  It wasn't never possible with my ex.  

It was delightful at times, the same as when I tease and bring joy to a three year old who mirrors my delight.  But never love.  It was never reciprocated.  And it's a testament of how damaged I was before I met my ex that I would think that what I had with her was love.  It's absolutely no different from a woman who gets beat up by her boyfriend over and over and over again and goes back each time because she says it's love.

It's a trauma bond.  It's not love.  And the fact that to this day I feel like going back for more abuse and psychosis lets me know how how damaged I really am.

IT WASN'T LOVE.  IT NEVER WAS LOVE.  IT WASN'T EVEN A RELATIONSHIP.  IT WAS AN INTERACTION.  IT WAS ONE DIRECTIONAL.  IT WAS NEVER THE SAME FOR ME AS IT WAS FOR MY EX.  SO THE FACT THAT I THOUGHT WE WERE ON THE SAME PAGE AND IN LOVE, IS JUST ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF HOW MUCH WORK I NEED TO DO ON MYSELF.  

So I don't worry about ever loving someone like my ex again.  I worry about whether I'll ever mend enough to learn to love in the first place.  But I have faith that as long as I stay the course, keep NC, and work on my own inventory, that I'll be able to love myself, love someone else, and be loved by someone else in a manner that allows me to be stronger and better from the relationship and not just fear, abuse and shame.

Yeah.  Love is more than a feeling.  Love is many things.  Love is an act.  Sustained love is a series of acts.  I guess I view my stbxBPDw has having fragments of the fullness of love, but daggone... .   The sum of those fragments is just not love as I define it, feel it, think about it, express it, or am able to recognize or, ultimately, receive as 'love'.

[Phoenix.Rising]

It's a trauma bond.  It's not love.  And the fact that to this day I feel like going back for more abuse and psychosis lets me know how how damaged I really am.

I believe this is very close to the truth.  We've confused love with addiction and abuse.  I'd venture to say that most of us probably don't have much experience with real love in a committed relationship, otherwise, we wouldn't have stayed in these relationships as long as we did.  I also believe that if I don't work on myself, I will end up in another relationship very similar, if not worse, than my latest one.

With trauma bonds, the dysfunctional fusion goes deep... some believe it is on the cellular level.  In a sense, our 'pickers' for a partner has been broken, and it is up to us to repair it.  Not an easy task, but not an impossible one, either.

[trouble11]

Is there really something that wrong with us for occasionally considering going back?  Or are we just people that are capable of REAL love.  The kind that is undying, kind, forgiving, and understanding.  Don't get me wrong ... .  I'm not going back ... .  but I'm not sure that we are ALL that screwed up for considering it.  If they had terminal cancer instead of BPD and we chose to stay knowing they were going to be in pain, likely to lash out emotionally, and going to die/leave in the end, we would be heroes.  No-one would question why we would but ourselves through that.  I get that some of us are easier targets than others, but I reject the generalization there is something wrong with everyone that gets involved with a pwBPD. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

I believe someone can be involved with a pwBPD if they are healthy enough to be an emotional caretaker.  This is not an equal relationship romantically or emotionally, however. 

The problem for me lies in the fact that I continued to subject myself to situations where there was emotionally abuse and neglect and my boundaries were lacking.  This is related to my family of origin.

[beachgirl009]

I believe someone can be involved with a pwBPD if they are healthy enough to be an emotional caretaker.  This is not an equal relationship romantically or emotionally, however. 

The problem for me lies in the fact that I continued to subject myself to situations where there was emotionally abuse and neglect and my boundaries were lacking.  This is related to my family of origin.

This was me.  I was his caretaker.  And honestly if he hadn't started raging constantly and if he had not put another woman as a priority above me (not physically but definitely had an inappropriate emotional relationship going) I would still be with him and would have probably taken care of him from now on.  I am the emotional caretaker for my mother and grandmother.  I am having to work hard to establish hard boundaries with them now and with anyone that I may enter into a relationship with in the future.

I am hopeful that I will meet someone.  I did date someone for a while and realized that he needed a mom too and that wasn't me!  So moving on... .  

[charred]

I still think of my exBPDgf a lot... .  and am in T from it. But the contrast with my exwife is staggering. My exwife went for a divorce asap, as she felt otherwise we had no hope, as I was so irrationally drawn to the pwBPD. I went on a trip with the pwBPD... and my exwife checked on my place while I was gone. After a while the hurt left between us and we are back friends for most part, I have helped her out some on bills and she has been more than reasonable in dealing with me... .  has asked if I want to see daughter more, given job seeking advice (she is in HR) and reminded me of what made me fall for her in the first place. Even if we never re-marry, I suspect we will be close for the rest of our lives.

My exBPDgf on the other hand, got mad because I didn't want to talk to her in front of my daughter (its very upsetting to her if she sees me talking to the woman that in her opinion caused her folks to divorce)... and blocked me on FB and was looking for ammo to start another argument with my exwife... .  she agreed we were going to be together not long ago... .  was a no show, took up with another guy, rubbed him in my face (pics on FB close to my house... etc) got an STD and came to me to be consoled.  Guess I would say, exwife is adult, exBPDgf, acts like a childish 3yr old.

So, I think I found love both before and after my BPDex... .  and its not intense, doesn't require therapy, doesn't concern me that she will snap and be like that Jodi Arias gal. 

[daintrovert13]

It scares me ill never find love again after falling in love with my BPDex, im scared ill never get over her and find anyone who makes me feel the way she once did.

Haven't yet... .  but I'm looking forward to it.

The more I read these threads the more and more I get angry for holding on

for 8 months after our break up. I mean they moved on just fine... why are we here sulking?

Make sense? Even if she come back tom. I'm done. I need someone who can recognize and cherish

what i have to offer. I'm starting to accept the fact that it was my first love I was fairly young and thought idealization meant security... .  morbid jealousy meant love and addictive "clingyness" meant a healthy connection. Make sense? I think so now!

[trouble11]

    I'm fairly old and thought idealization meant security... .  morbid jealousy meant love and addictive "clingyness" meant a healthy connection.   

[GustheDog]

  I'm fairly old and thought idealization meant security... .  morbid jealousy meant love and addictive "clingyness" meant a healthy connection.  

I'm not old (though kind of an old soul), and I thought the very same things.

And I also qualifiedly agree with your earlier statement that not everyone who gets involved with a pwBPD has something "wrong" with them.

I really have to say that, even after almost 5 months of being broken up, my r/s wasn't all that bad up until the end.  I really don't feel like I was abused until the final couple months, and then in the aftermath.

Sure, I was enmeshed and a total codependent - and those things are unhealthy.  But I think if I'd been abused in the ways I was at the end - before the end - I would have gotten out myself.

There were many red flags that I missed, but they didn't come in the form of abuse.  I'm pretty confident that if they did I would have seen them, and yielded.

So, basically, yes, I had some issues - but I think the biggest one was being a little naive and lacking experience in LTRs (I was 24 when we met).  And I think I'm healthy enough to not put up with abuse - in fact, I think standing up for myself is in no small part why she finally bolted.

[trevjim]

I think standing up for myself is in no small part why she finally bolted.

I think the more i started to stand up for myself, the worse her behaviours got.

[cookiecrumbled]

Is there really something that wrong with us for occasionally considering going back?  Or are we just people that are capable of REAL love.  The kind that is undying, kind, forgiving, and understanding.  Don't get me wrong ... .  I'm not going back ... .  but I'm not sure that we are ALL that screwed up for considering it.  If they had terminal cancer instead of BPD and we chose to stay knowing they were going to be in pain, likely to lash out emotionally, and going to die/leave in the end, we would be heroes.  No-one would question why we would but ourselves through that.  I get that some of us are easier targets than others, but I reject the generalization there is something wrong with everyone that gets involved with a pwBPD. 

YES!  I reject it too, Trouble11!  And no, Trevjm, I do not think I will ever find another love - which is a shame.  This experience has so scarred me that I will never give my heart up again or believe that an interest will not up and leave without a reason.  I will just work and take care of my children and try to be kind to others; and hope that when I cross the bar, I will find out why this happened to me - to all of us.

And they move on... .  as we look after the hit and run car and tend to our wounds... .  

[cal644]

I beleive I will find love - the love I always longed for. Even after 19 years of marriage I wanted a wife that can give and receive love.  I long for a wife who will give me attention instead of it always being about her. I will look for a wife who can talk about issues in a constructive manner (I may even pick a fight pursposly in a new relationship just to see how we work out our issues) - don't tell though - . I will be more cautious to look for signs this next time.  I will see how they react with their family and friends, I will look for signs that they have traits of BPD.  I will look to make sure that they will allow me to do things I like also.  I will find love again and it will be a healthy marriage!

[FindingMe2011]

I think standing up for myself is in no small part why she finally bolted.

I think the more i started to stand up for myself, the worse her behaviors got.

   For BPD, this act (which is correct) is perceived as a breaking of the attachment,( i would see this as growth, the hard way, and I guess it was, in some ways).  This causes her ego defense mechanisms, and yours, to take center stage. Which in reality, is a breaking of the dysfunctional trauma bond, or the beginning stages possibly. Rest assure, had you been able to see things a little more clearly, in the beginning, BPD would have ran then. So yes, BPD behaviors changed, but so did yours. You are added to her list triggers, and she is your trigger... .  I wish you well, PEACE

[Rose Tiger]

I think we have our stats backward.  Odds of a successful r/s with a pwBPD, I'd say 2% (those that commit to treatment).  Odds that nons will have another relationship in the future, it's around 98%.  In the early stages of detachment, it's the pain and heartache that makes your brain think, never again.

I made those stats up by the way.     But I was reading about how a high percentage of people do go on to other relationships after a break up.  And seeing the success rates on the staying board, they are low.  So I'm not entirely making this up.

[newlymarried]

I had a 16 year on and off relationship with an uBPDbf and my Dad is a classic NPD. I am now very hap[py with my non husband and his kiddo.

Going NC was what I needed to help me heal and know that I deserved better than my old r/s.

[trevjim]

I think we have our stats backward.  Odds of a successful r/s with a pwBPD, I'd say 2% (those that commit to treatment).  Odds that nons will have another relationship in the future, it's around 98%.  In the early stages of detachment, it's the pain and heartache that makes your brain think, never again.

I made those stats up by the way.     But I was reading about how a high percentage of people do go on to other relationships after a break up.  And seeing the success rates on the staying board, they are low.  So I'm not entirely making this up.

The part that scares me, is even if i meet a girl i like and one that likes me, ill compare her to the 'highs' of my relationship with my exBPD, even though i know it was 'fake' if you want to call it that.

[Rose Tiger]

You made those 'highs', not the partner.  It was all your own doing.  Now that is something chew on... .  they just reflected your joy.  What if you reflected your own joy back to yourself?  Do we really need reinforcement from another before we can feel it?

If you can learn to enjoy your own company without needing another to make it a high, you've got it.  Then we tell unsafe people to hit the road when we encounter them.  We don't need those kinds of 'highs'.  Those enmeshed unhealthy attachments.  Fully integrated, self sufficient, whole person, doesn't need those attachment types of partner.  Yeah!

[FindingMe2011]

I think we have our stats backward.  Odds of a successful r/s with a pwBPD, I'd say 2% (those that commit to treatment).  Odds that nons will have another relationship in the future, it's around 98%.  In the early stages of detachment, it's the pain and heartache that makes your brain think, never again.

I made those stats up by the way.     But I was reading about how a high percentage of people do go on to other relationships after a break up.  And seeing the success rates on the staying board, they are low.  So I'm not entirely making this up.

The part that scares me, is even if i meet a girl i like and one that likes me, ill compare her to the 'highs' of my relationship with my exBPD, even though i know it was 'fake' if you want to call it that.

  What makes you so sure, that you cant replicate the highs with another, some day? Whose to say, it wont be real this time?... .  Focusing on the past, and future, consumes your now... .  I wish you well, PEACE

[myself]

Remember, the part that was 'fake' wasn't your part. If it was, you have some stuff to get to within yourself if you're looking to be in a good relationship of any kind.

If you were being 'real', then be real next time. EVERY time. That's who you are.

So much of what was great about being with them was what we put into it. Who and how we were. Add yourself with someone else who's coming at it from that angle, and it should be BETTER than 'great'. Healthy, even. Something worth working for!