Need helping being positive

[coworkerfriend]

My pwBPD and I have had an ok couple of weeks.  He is talking to me more - explaining where his thoughts are more and I just listen.  I add validation when appropriate and I think my reactions to him have helped out.

We have been talking quite a bit about our professional roles at work and he seems to be accepting that there are things that he does well.  We have very different talents and I can not do it all.  I have been leaving his projects to him and taking care of my end of it.  We discuss things but haven't had too many flare ups.

We have a huge opportunity to expand.  It can really move us in a great direction.  He is talking about this being what he has wanted to do for 15 years - that this will be what he needs to stay motivated.  I want to be positive.  I want to be optimistic.  I want to think if we can continue to focus on builidng our business and relationship, we can do this.

I keep wondering if I am strong enough to continue to support and love him through the challenges that face us.  He is trying.  I know he is trying.  I know he struggles.  I know how much anxiety he struggles with.  I know how he is trying to use tools that he has learned in therapy.

He just had an outburst.  I listened and I walked away.  I hid in the bathroom for a few minutes.

His words are just that words.  I can't be afraid of them.  I need to be strong and positive.  I guess more than anything, I needed to get the words out.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[yeeter]

You are managing it well friend.  And asking good questions for yourself. 

[waverider]

He just had an outburst.  I listened and I walked away.  I hid in the bathroom for a few minutes.

His words are just that words.  I can't be afraid of them.  I need to be strong and positive.  I guess more than anything, I needed to get the words out.

This is good learning not to inflame, and to spot when things are turning bad and disengaging early helps a lot. After a while you learn to spot things early and disengage using genuine distractions so they are not even aware you are doing it (and neither are you at times), this becomes less triggering for the both of you.

As you get used to handling conflict better you become less afraid of it, which is empowering, and in turn you becomes less reluctant to raise contentious issues if you feel them important enough. This reduces the pent up resentment of bottling things up.

The constant 5 steps forward, then 4 steps backwards means you have to quickly "get over" the drama of the 4 steps back so that you can get on with the next 5 steps forward.

Dont forget you are human so every now and then you will screw it up and do the wrong thing, thats ok, at least you are trying, which is more than most people would do.

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks Waverider, I don't know why I am so afraid of conflict with him - so afraid of him leaving me.  I should be confident in myself.  I have done nothing to make him upset with me.  I try to help where I can. 

He gets disappointed and depressed so quickly when faced with triggers.  I know this.  I kept my distance.  I did not JADE in any way.  I listened to him.  I validated how frustrated he feels with the project.  In one breath, he apologized for lashing out and the next breath, he is lashing out on a new topic.

He slipped into deeply negative thoughts within hours.  Those thoughts always take him to leaving me - leaving our business - leaving everthing.  He called to yell at me about how badly things are with our business and then hung up on me.  I listen to all his frustrations and can't help but want to explain things.  Actions speak louder than my words.  I can't explain things to him when he gets this way. 

I can see in his eyes how much he is hurting when he dysregulates.  I want so badly to help him.  To make him see all the good.  I know that I can't do this.  I struggle with wanting to make it better and I know that isn't possible. 

Now, I am sick to my stomach.  Mainly, because I want these days to not matter to me.  For me to feel secure that he will get it out/work through his anxiety and we will move past it.  I don't know if I will ever feel secure.  He feels that I let him down because he was expecting a customer call that did not come.  I know in my head that I can not control the customer.  I know in my head that I can not control this.  Why do I get myself so tangled in his emotions? 

I am so mad at myself.  I feel like I never learn. 

[coworkerfriend]

I feel trapped.  Yesterday he was talking about the rest of our life together and today he is leaving.

I feel like I am powerless and I think that could be where some of my fear is coming from.

I just want to go to sleep and not ever get out of bed and face this.

[waverider]

The way I have dealt with it, though it may not suit everyone, is that my world is my planet, my partner is a satallite moon that is orbiting me and has an influence. But if that moon was suddenly to shoot off on a tangent, then it would have an effect but it would not stop my world in its path. My path is not whole dependent on what happens around me.

As a result my worlds stable and unwavering path makes a safe refuge to orbit around. The effort required to exist outside that orbit is too hard for something that needs host.

In other words worry about your path and you will increase the odds of a more stable future.

My partners Borderline behavior is far worse now than it was 6-12 months ago, but our relationship and interaction is far better and conflict is no more than a regular relationship. I dont pick up her projections so they go nowhere and she sees no point in pushing them in my direction.

I don't get stressed and angry much with her anymore. Its more like an internal eye roll.

[coworkerfriend]

In other words worry about your path and you will increase the odds of a more stable future.

That is what I am going to repeat to myself all day.

He called me a few times last night trying to engage me into his drama.  I wouldn't respond.  He kept accusing me of not caring - disappointing him again - letting him down by not responding.  He knows exactly what to say to push my buttons.  He drags up so much awful stuff from the past.  He hung up on me. Before I learned the lessons, I would immediately call him back after he would hang up on me.  This time, I just put my phone down.  I am not chasing him.   I got an email from the customer we were waiting to hear from - I forwarded it to him and got a rude response.  I deleted it and will not respond.

I have a lot of work to do.  I need to worry about my path.  I need to think about a more stable future.  I can't keep getting drawn into this drama.

We were extremely close this weekend.  I keep wondering if this is a coping mechanism for him.    I am so mad at myself.   I do want to get a point where his behavior doesn't stress me out. I don't want to be afraid of it.  I want to use the lessons and tools and just feel better.

[waverider]

We were extremely close this weekend.  I keep wondering if this is a coping mechanism for him.    I am so mad at myself.   I do want to get a point where his behavior doesn't stress me out. I don't want to be afraid of it.  I want to use the lessons and tools and just feel better.

It takes time, you will know what to do for a long before it actually becomes normal for you. That is you will have to "role pay" it for a while, and they will have to get used to it before it shows results, and the dramas in your mind subside. Note this is not the same as outright ignoring them.

In this way it is similar to looking after preschoolers, you know where they are, what they are doing, and paying attention to anything important they do or say, but much of what they are up to washes by without you having a dramatic reaction, they talk nonsense, they make a mess you clean it, barely blips on your radar, it just is. You dont try to stop it or challange it.

[Tormenta]

A lot of hugs.

I see you struggling with yourself and that´s unfair, you have been acting the best you could and you have been acting very kind, very supportive, very nice to him. It´s unfair that this happens to you, also that his happens to him. If there was no BPD, this looks like a nice couple! 

I´m sorry that you feel so bad, not only it looks like you are sad coping with the shock of being close together and suddenly he wants to leave you and your career together, but also coping with your fears - your fears as you see them becoming a reality - and struggling with yourself for feeling upset and don´t wanting to be upset.

The truth is there: he had an outburst - something that happened before. But you have been acting very nice, you can be happy that you are such a kind and nice person. 

Hope to know more, how are things going on?

[itsnotmyfaultanymore]

Hi coworker, I hope all is well... .  I'm struggling these past couple days with a my pwBPD and the general change in our r/s as I work on myself... so please read my post with a grain of salt (you can see my posts for details if you're interested).

I did want to point something out that seemed stick out to me - your title... .  

Need helping being positive

Remember, you can only be positive about yourself and in yourself... .  you CANNOT project this positive feeling to your pwBPD (as my pwBPD tries to do with her negativity towards me) like you could with a "normal" (I don't mean this in a derogatory way) person. Either he is positive or he isn't... .  No matter how positive you are he may never be... .  That is his/her choice and is not a refection of you/us.

That doesn't mean don't be positive. You should be... .  You should be positive in yourself and for yourself, in "your" truth and your internal/emotional compass. It is when your actions differ greatly from this this (for example letting your pwBPD overstep your boundaries), for me, that I start to question myself – and this has, in the past, lead to my being less positive and less in control of what I beleive is real and true.

To make matters worse with my uBPDw it seems, sometimes, the more positive I am the more it triggers her (you shouldn't be happy... .  cause I'm not... .  )

What is the answer? I'm not 100% sure... .  

But what I do know for sure is I/we need to fined and believe in ourselves... .  And let our pwBPD find (or not find) there own (positive, or negative more than likely) way.

I hope this is read in a the "positive" tones is was written in... .  

[coworkerfriend]

Tormenta - thank you for the kind words.   You are right - I am not kind to myself.  My whole life I have placed unreasonable expectations on myself.  I am working on recognizing this and "taking" my own advice that I give to everyone about being kind.  I know I have to let go of my fear of him leaving our business.  It sometimes feels like he can't believe we are doing so well so he needs to ruin it.  He can't trust that we can suceed in business.  or maybe he is afraid that because we are doing well, it can't last so he will leave before it fails.  I don't know.  I spend too much time thinking about this.

My pwBPD has had many of outbursts that he had earlier this week.  A few years ago, the dysregulation would last for weeks/months.  Now that I am not using JADE in our communication and validating his feelings, the outbursts happen a few times a month and usually haven't lasted more than a few days.  I work hard at not engaging in his rants.  I think I am communicating more clearly with him at times.  It is a struggle.  Yesterday, he spent a good part of the day pushing my buttons - saying and doing things that he knows upset me.  I kept quiet and to myself.  He tried to force me to talk to him. At one point, he yelled at me for being so nice to him.  He said he was mad at me and I had to stop being nice to him.  I just said be mad at me if you want.  I have no reason not to be nice to you. He mumbled that he will do something to make me mad at him.  I went back to my desk and started working. By the end of the day, we were talking about things as if nothing had happened.

Itsnotmyfault - thanks for responding.  I used to be the most positive, upbeat, confident person.  You completely described how I feel - You should be positive in yourself and for yourself, in "your" truth and your internal/emotional compass. It is when your actions differ greatly from this this (for example letting your pwBPD overstep your boundaries), for me, that I start to question myself – and this has, in the past, lead to my being less positive and less in control of what I beleive is real and true. - that is what I want to find again.  I want to stop questioning myself.  I want to be more in control of what I believe to be real and true.  That is what I am struggling with.  I don't know how I lost myself - how I got so overwhelmed with his emotions . My pwBPD is a negative person.  He will filled with anxieties that I will never understand.  I do not expect him to ever have a postive outlook on things.

I am working to not let his negativity take over -  I think we are both working on similar things in our r/s.