More understanding through reflective listening

[Chattgirl]

I posted about a week ago about making a break through in my relationship with my bp through reflective listening. I was able to understand his feelings better. Tonight I got another piece of insight. My bp finally talked with me about some of his feelings during the times he left me.  He has left four times in five years.  He said that he starts seeing little things that make him think he can't trust me and then other things that he thinks aren't going right and so he decides he can't do this.  He says he misses me so bad that he has to do things constantly to stay busy . I'm assuming he means ignoring me ,buying tons of expensive stuff, and getting in lots of trouble on the Internet.  He says he does things to try and run me off. He said that anyone else in his life he can shut out. Than he can just see them every now and then for a few minutes but that it's different because he misses me real bad but doesn't think he can be with me. He is actually in his mind done. This is what I gathered from what he said and it seemed to be from the heart but I am of course cautious to being manipulated. Worried he could be just trying to smooth it over. What do you guys think? And what do you really think this means? Him saying he tries to do stuff to drive me away. Just not sure i know the full meanings of what he said.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Maybe he fears your expectations (real or perceived) of him, and his inability to live up to them. So he panics and runs before you can "expose" his failings and dump him.

Fear of failure drives him away not dislike of you.

But he needs you, or at least someone, and you are willing to have him. His failures are even more in his face when he is not with you.

He lives in constant fear oscillating between places he perceives as less fearful.

Could be completely wrong, just rings bells with what I have witnessed myself in the theme of coping out/running away/ grass being greener etc. all comes from having a lack of self and living on impulses

[yeeter]

It sounds like he was sharing , or attempting to at least, what is really going on for him during these times.

My thoughts:  validate sincerely.  Be patient. Keep listening.  He may be able to tell you more about it, but it might take some time for him to sort it out in a way that can be communicated.

[Chattgirl]

Wave rider I think your right. I think he does run to a place which seems less fearful at the time. He told me one time he could block things out. I think he runs out of fear but really does love and miss me . I believe he does run because he feels like you said unable to live up to my expectations. I didn't remember that until you said it but he told me this the first time he left me and I put it out of my mind as an excuses. At that time I did not know he had BPD so I didn't understand it. He was still wearing the mask.  I also think he runs out of the fear of being abandoned, controlled, or mistreated in some way. He lives in constant fear he reaffirmed this feeling to me today. I felt he was uncomfortable and I ask if he was afraid and he said I reckon I'm always afraid.  I guess it's hard to take in love, security, and happiness in a relationship when your being run by fear. I hope to help this situation by lowering my expectations of him to a more realistic level for someone with BPD and by knowing that his running away attempts are more to escape fear. Maybe those are the times when I need to remain calm instead if emotionally charged myself. I probably haven't helped the situation by panicking and trying to squeeze tighter when he does this. I always panic because of him doing impulsive things and talking to other women. He has never slept around on me that I know but contacts other women in these times. Usually after a month or so .Theses separations have always gotten out of control. Maybe now that I understand a little better his mindset I can help curb this cycle or at least help it not go on so long next time.  I really think I need to give him a little space when he's like this and let him know I love him and try  to lower my expectations until he feels better. Just hope I don't have to go through another cycle. It crushes me. I'm not sure why he contacts other women. If he loves me I just don't know exactly why he does this. He will hunt down every ex he's had to see how they are and then when he begs me back and tells them I love ---- and I'm not gonna talk to you no more bye. He is like doing every impulsive destructive thing he can during these times and then he will be back to normal.

[waverider]

Probably contacts other women to try to rebuild his ego.

We all like to be told its ok i we stuff up.

if you have BPD you stuff up a lot, they know this, but the disorder stops them from really preventing this most of the time. It would be hard to live your life knowing you constantly stuff up and theres not much you can do about it. Their survival technique is to pro actively deny, deflect blame, or run from the consequences... This breeds a habit of leaving things unfinished, as they have no faith in the end result being good enough.

They assume they will be criticized and react on that assumption, before it even enters your head.

[almost789]

Hi Chattgirl,

I have the same situation as you. I decided not to go back because I can't handle the distancing its very upsetting to me to have someone just dissappear when you don't even know why. Your story sounds so much like mine. I thought mine cheated but he denied denied denied. I think he just talks and flirts with women online when he gets this distancing fear, but perhaps doesn't actually cheat. It still hurts anyway! To know they distance and then go on flirting around with someone else. I agree with Waverider here on everything. I think this is for the ego boosting because they feel bad. Your description of what he told you about how he feels describes clinically what I have read about why they do this distancing. They push us away and they don't really know why. The clinicians say it is subconcious and has to do with old abandonment wounds from the past.  

It's called transference: In psychoanalysis, the process by which emotions and desires originally associated with one person, such as a parent or sibling, are unconsciously shifted to another person, especially to the analyst.


They miss us and at the same time can't be with us. This was a big one with mine. He always say I miss you, while he was distancing, and I would always say, well if you miss me why are you distancing? And he'd just say. " I do"

How are you accomplishing the 'reflective listening?" I can't even get mine to talk about anything but surface stuff.

[Chattgirl]

I read a book that has been a life saver for me. It helped me be able to communicate with my borderline better and be a better listener. After learning the methods in this book I knew more about how my bp really felt in two conversations than I had in 5 years. It has been a lifesaver for me

I AM NOT SICK I DON'T NEED HELP!  How to Help Someone with mental Illness Accept Treatment. By: Xavier Armador

[almost789]

Thanks chattgirl! Ive seen it and thought about getting it too. Im glad its helping you two. Thanks for the info.