Difficult situation on another continent.

[OmegaCard]

Hi

I was recommended this forum by livenlearned on the welcome forum, here is a link to my original post which may give more clarification to what I am about to say: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=193563.0

I moved from my home in the UK to a country in North Africa in order to marry my wife.

As soon as we were married, she seemed like a completely different person.

The last out lash from her was the last straw for me, but she doesn't know it yet. I live in her country, I dont know the language, I cant find a job and I am solely dependant on her for everything. She does not work either but her parents take care of her/us.

I am flying out of the country very soon and returning home on a one way ticket, I told everyone I am going to visit my ailing family as my excuse to leave.

From there when I am safe I will divorce my wife.

I try so hard to be alone and not be around her, when I am it is much easier to disconnect and really be happy at the thought of leaving, but all of a sudden when she is around I start to feel a little guilty or doubt that she has BPD. But it takes a little reminder of the crap I have had to deal with from her to set me straight again and although she is doing better and going to therapy, I can't help but think the only reason things are cool now is because of the drugs and me avoiding her, this is no way to live.

I am miserable, depressed and I want to live the life I want which is not going to happen with her by my side. I am miserable just thinking of staying here.

Please help me deal with the doubt.

[Surnia]

So sorry, OmegaCard, to hear about your so difficult marriage.

I agree with you, your situation in a foreign country is not easy and there is a lot of dependence from your part and violence from her side.

Right now you have a certain plan. Are you sure you can file for divorce without being in her country?

[OmegaCard]

I am not 100% sure about that but I really have no choice, everytime so far she has asked me to leave during a fight, she makes it extremely difficult for me to do so, destroying most breakable things in the home, getting knives out, I usually go to her relatives then the next day she is fine and I, like the nice guy I am, feel bad and go back to her, if I try to divorce here, I feel I could end up getting killed or end up in prison because of her being 'victim' being taken too far and knowning that I wanted to leave she would do something really desperate and dangerous.

I have no choice but to leave.

As far as I know, legally the marriage is only valid in the country we married, my own country doesn't recognize it. As far as the religious side goes, I just have to say some specific words to her in her language then the marriage is over, I can do that from the safety of home.

Im really scared right now.

[Surnia]

As far as I know, legally the marriage is only valid in the country we married, my own country doesn't recognize it.

Okay, this sounds good. I ask only about legal matters. Not because I think you should stay!

When do you have your flight?

[OmegaCard]

I have the flight on friday.

Packing light, bringing only personal stuff and clothes I came here with.

[Surnia]

Some long days for you until friday! 

Do you have a emergency plan if she would be menacing you until friday?

[OmegaCard]

Right now everything is fine and cool, I will keep it that way until I get to the airport.

No real back up plan, the public transport here is said to be very dangerous and I guess if worst came to the worst, one of her relatives could take me.

[Surnia]

Gosh, I will keep my fingers crossed that all will go well!

keep us posted!

[WifeNeedsSupport]

 i just have to throw this out there--

my husband is from north africa. he most certainly has BPD and NPD... .  and serious anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and issues with social anxiety.

he's a mess. he's gotten worse over the 13 years we've been together. maybe he's stayed the same, but he's just gotten more and more comfortable taking the mask off with me. and the selfishness (NPD) has amped up as our responsibilities grew. we have 3 kids. he is the only income provider, i stay at home with the kids (youngest is 1yr). he is a nervous wreck about work all the time, but it's a big ego thing for him to be in control that way, bringing home the bacon, and he's really threatened that i want to go back to school and do things differently than his mommy.

here's the thing i want to tell you: he believes that he has no problems because he thinks that it's just a cultural difference! he had me convinced for a while. he criticizes me nonstop and says that everyone in his country picks on each other for fun... .  i say "not cool". they sort of do that, yes, but then not in such a hurtful way that he does to me (maybe they all do it to each other meanly behind closed doors!). alcoholism abounds there by the way, from what i've seen. so to him, that's not even a  problem. when we have visited for a month at a time there, i have had a hellish experience doing my best to be polite to his family (all really sweet people), while at the same time fighting with my husband behind closed doors. it's awful to be so out of your own context and in a very disturbed relationship... .  i feel for you!

aside from my sympathies for you being there with all this going on, (and good for you to have an escape plan), i'd like to add that #1- my husband won't see a therapist b/c he says that nobody here (the us) would understand where he came from. that is, all the kids were abused in his town growing up, and his father was the worst. but they were all beaten, it was the norm. his sisters all have problems and i bet lots of those kids he grew up with also have some serious consequences of their upbringing. see, he thinks it's ok b/c it was everyone doing the same thing. he doesn't want to hear from anyone that it was wrong or that it did him any harm. but a kid is a kid who has needs, no matter where in the world. and i think a lot of kids from that part of the world missed a lot of loving and support from their parents some 30-40 years ago. i still see that some parents of young kids there will hit their kids and are intolerant of them, and nobody bats an eye. that isn't to say that there aren't some really warm, loving, incredible parents around too... and it's one of the few places i've ever been where the kids are free to be part of every adult venue or event. but, there's a historical reason why there may be a lot of dysfunction going on in adults from that part of the world.

get out while you can from your relationship if it is a scary bad one involving BPD. do it before you lose yourself or before you have kids! even if you love her or a part of her... .  

oh, i say don't feel badly about using in laws money-- you went there in good faith and with a lot of trust in your wife and her family in a very vulnerable position. you can always send money later if you need to feel better about it with a letter that says, "sorry, i tried!"

good luck!

[Surnia]

omega card 

Are you okay now? Safe at home?

[Clearmind]

Hi Omega! I hope you are doing OK.  I am sorry to hear about the situation you find yourself in. Trust that you will heal from this. Look forward to an update.

[keith99]

I was living in another country for 12 years with my BPD wife.  She isolated me from my friends and family.  I ended up being dependant on her.  What made matters worse is we had a child together so trying to leave her was very hard.  It took me about 6 years to leave and its been very hard.

I moved back to the UK and had a bad culture shock.  Getting a job was a nightmare and I ended up living with my parents and I am in my 40's.  Even now nearly a year later she is trying to get me to come back.  I have met a great girl who is very supportive of me yet my ex wont leave me alone.  No contact is very hard as I have a child.  I can sympathise with you about being in another country.  It does make it very hard.

I am really depressed and miss my son so much.  Hes on the other side of the world.  Believe me I know how you feel and it hasnt got any easier for me.

[OmegaCard]

omega card 

Are you okay now? Safe at home?

Hi, yes i am safe at home. I feel so liberated and free, i am happy and enjoying being around my family.

After some thought i have decided to never return to my wife. She does not know yet and i have filled in some of my family for support. I am also going to make an appointment with a doctor to get some healing advice.

Biggest challenge now is how to aplit with my wife. This will be very difficult for me as i never broke up with somone before, i was usually the one being dumped.

Do i have to change forums for this?

Thanks for all the support and help, you guys and God rescued me.

[Surnia]

I am happy, my friend, that you found your way out and back home. 

I can imagine how you felt the moment the airplane was leaving ground... .  

I see you are decided now and having the family for support is great. 

Yep, perhaps the Leaving: Disengaging from a Partner with BPD Board fits better for you.

For legal questions we have the Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody.

Biggest challenge now is how to aplit with my wife. This will be very difficult for me as i never broke up with somone before, i was usually the one being dumped.

I wish you strength for this next step!