Just tried to recycle myself:CRASH AND BURN

[Depression = 72% of members]

Am I crazy? I tried to reycle myself with my uBPDexgf of 3 years. I thought that by using some techniques I've learned here that I might be able to reason. Only thing though is that when you've been painted black there is no reasoning. I was being very self aware and was validating. I became aware of the splitting. Very strange to talk to someone who you were so intimately involved with that can point out every wrong or percieved wrong that you ever did. It hurt to the core. This was my own fault. I should have known better.

It was clear that she was ready to move on. We said our goodbyes. So sad. My heart is broken all over again.

My advise to anyone considering this is, DON'T. Stay N/C. I did for 3 weeks.

[wb1233]

Am I crazy? I tried to reycle myself with my uBPDexgf of 3 years. I thought that by using some techniques I've learned here that I might be able to reason. Only thing though is that when you've been painted black there is no reasoning. I was being very self aware and was validating. I became aware of the splitting. Very strange to talk to someone who you were so intimately involved with that can point out every wrong or percieved wrong that you ever did. It hurt to the core. This was my own fault. I should have known better.

It was clear that she was ready to move on. We said our goodbyes. So sad. My heart is broken all over again.

My advise to anyone considering this is, DON'T. Stay N/C. I did for 3 weeks.

[wb1233]

Just a thought... .  If I'm the one who tried to recycle. Am I BPD?

[just me.]

Just a thought... .  If I'm the one who tried to recycle. Am I BPD?

I of course can't tell you if you have BPD or not, but I can say that I think your feeling that the r/s shouldn't be over yet seems quite natural and normal to me.  You were in a very serious relationship, and it all disappeared much too confusingly and quickly.

You weren't "recycling"; you were just refusing to let go.  You're struggling to accept that she could move on so quickly, and it doesn't seem possible that she could actually have done all of this to you.  These are feelings that I'd say have been shared by the majority of the people that post here.  They are certainly things that I have felt.

She broke your heart once.  And now after this most recent experience, it seems she has broken it twice.  Mine broke my heart maybe a half-dozen times before it really sunk in for me that the woman I had once loved was really gone.  It hurt each time, but it did actually help me to detach.

You're going through the process.  Don't beat yourself up or second-guess yourself too much.  It's a long, slow process letting all of this sink in, but it does seem to get better with time.  Hang in there.

[Tausk]

Hey WB: Take it easy on yourself.  It hurts.  I know.   We know.  And it sounds like you care for your ex deeply. We don't want to let go, we want to support, we want to love our exes, but they can't accept what's good for them.    It's sad that they really can't understand how much they lose.  It's part of the disorder.  It's so very sad and hurts.  At times i've been on the floor doubled in pain.

Try and remember HALT.  :)on't let yourself get to hungry, angry, lonely or tired.  Exercise and sleep are good ideas.  

And remember we on this side of the board have been where you are at.  So we don't have to be alone.  There are many wise people who can help us.  We just need to ask for it.  You show great courage in posting on the board.  You give me inspiration and hope that I can also recover if i'm honest and willing to the work.

P.S.  I don't read much that indicates you have BPD.  But most all of us on this side of the board have asked that exact question of ourselves.  So, I hope that gives you hope that the patterns of what you're experiencing fits the experiences of many other people on this board.

In support,

sp

[Traye]

I'm definitely in the same boat. You're not alone.  I had a huge urge to contact her today.  Strongest urge yet in 2 weeks of NC.  Reading your post helped me contain it. 

I've also been questioning whether I'm BPD.  Pretty certain I'm not... .  but some of my actions the past few weeks... .  makes me worry. 

Sounds like you're being very normal as compared to everyone else here.

[KellyO]

Heh, I was more quilty in recycling than my exBF. Codependents recycle too, but reason is different: we try to fix everything. Them, the relationship, do better this time. Show them how much we love and we believe this time they will get it. There was a poll here somewhere where it could be seen that nons are as much quilty in recycling than BPD's.

I think you were in bargaining-stage, and that lead you to trying to get her back. For me, the bargaining-stage is always the worst. I really believe in those days that 1) it was all my fault 2) I can make better this time because now I know all this new stuff 3) I can work all 100% of the r/s just by myself. I would do literally anything just to wake next to him in mornings. It is horrible.

Now you will move to acceptance and it will get better 

[wb1233]

I appreciate the support. I'm so grateful for this site and for the candidness and support of everyone here.

My pain runs so deep. If she only knew how deep my love is for her, how much I care about her. I'm not bitter or angry though. I know I will heal and come out the other side a much better man. I have immersed myself in gaining knowledge about this disorder.

My exwife I now know was also uBPD. Married for 12 years. She crushed my spirirt. But I came out a better man. Both of these women were beautiful. I've been told that I'm handsome on a few occasions, so it didn't seem unusual to attract beautiful women. The thing that gets me is that my uBDDexgf broke down all of my boundaries. I didn't see her coming. She is a high functioning WAIF. My uexBPDw was classic. So it threw me off. I didn't find out about BPD well into the devaluation stage with my exgf so I saw some of the stuff coming.

[KellyO]

I've also been questioning whether I'm BPD

Codependents have some traits of BPD, so to say. I know I have. And my ex was very good in digging them out in open. I was so codependent I isolated myself from other people, because being with people hurt me so much. They could see how worthless I am. How ugly and broken. Of course, I talk only about myself here, and roots of my codepedency are in childhood. I learnt to take other peoples shame and carry it as my own. I learnt to seek for acceptance, and I was not even good in that. I was manipulative, and I lied, most to myself. And I believed that people who use me, do it because they care about me. How twisted is that?

What I see as a big difference here is that I knew if I hurt other people, and I did not want to hurt them (that was one reason for my isolation, I was sure I would only hurt others). It made me to "wake up". And my exBPD, of course. Now I have moments where I see him as a gift in my life. I begin to realise I have chosen that person, and there must be a reason for that. This was umpteenth time I was used, manipulated and treated badly. So there MUST be something in me. There was, a lot. It's been two years from that day I realized I have to change or I will never get a better life (I still was with my ex after that,believing me changing would change him too). If that person is bad for me, and I can't change myself, I will get only new bad person in my life. Being a hermit was not a solution, I knew I can't resist this type of men. I had a VERY strong victim-mentality. Now when I look back, I can't even remember how it felt, I just know it was there and it is not anymore.

So, when people say BPD's must be in so much pain they are willing to do anything to get the pain away, that is when they can change, I know it is true. It was same for me. Difference is, I was just skewed up, and it was relatively easy to fix. Faulty thinking and thought patterns mostly. Lots of work with my emotions. It was painful, but rewarding. I can see my BPD might never be able to see himself like I did, it takes too much self-critic, honesty and responsibility. I was ready to do that. I'm sure almost anyone here is ready to do that.

[wb1233]

Ta-hol

Indeed I am seeing a T and getting to the roots of my core trauma. I've been reading a lot of 2010's posts and he's amazing. I'm trying to wrap my brain around projecting, mirroring, false self, partime-good, FOO, etc... This stuff is amazing.

[nolisan]

Four month n/c ... .  one day at a time. One thing that keeps me from contacting is that I know she would cut me to ribbons and break my heart all over again. I love myself to do that.

Codependance? Halfway through our year together I asked her: ":)o you think I am codependent?"

"Oh no ... .  definitely not!"

Sh*t, of course not, I was paying her mortgage . My rescuing was off the scale. When I stopped and started to let her experience the consequences of her own behavior (like an adult) the r/s started to unravel.

[KellyO]

Sh*t, of course not, I was paying her mortgage

I actually supported one man for two years (not this ex-uBPD, but someone who was just selfish and spoiled), and I thought that was a good r/s! I was so unselfish! So nice! Buahahhhahhhah! My sister said the painful truth to me I did not want to accept that time:" Of course he is nice to you, you pay him to be". Oh man remembering that makes me be feel so ridicilous.