BPD Husband took his life last night... lost in thoughts... help please

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So Sorry for you and your son's loss Dragonfly.

Take good care of you, we will be here as you need us.

Peace,

SB

[seeking balance]

So Sorry for you and your son's loss Dragonfly.

Take good care of you, we will be here as you need us.

Peace,

SB

[Phoenix.Rising]

Dragonfly24,

Suicide can be very difficult to accept.  A good friend of mine committed suicide several years ago, and I had a hard time with it.  I'm very sorry you are having to go through this.  It must be excruciating.  But you are strong, and you will make it through, one day at a time.  I believe in you.

Whatever may be going through your mind, his pain was not your fault.  This is not your fault.  He was very sick even before he met you.  You could not save him.  He could only save himself, and he chose not to.  I'm so sorry.  Please be kind to yourself.  Be strong for your son.

Phoenix.Rising

[wb1233]

Psalm 22: 24

For He has not despised nor abhorred the affliction of

the afflicted; Nor has He hidden his face from Him;

But when He cried to Him, He heard.

All of us here have cried and have been afflicted. On both sides of this disorder.

My sadness for you and your son. No not be angry. Do not be bitter. Do not fear. Just be

You will be lifted up in prayers by more than one

[Vinnie]

Dragonfly,

I have a friend who is a counselor and a minister. Six months ago she came home and found her bipolar husband 15 minutes after hanging himself. I just contacted her and she said if you would like to talk with her, she would be glad to hear from you.

I'm not sure how to get a private message to you but I will find out if you are interested in calling her. She is strong and since her husband's death she has helped a lot of people dealing with suicide.

[Dragonfly24]

Wow, thank you so much!    The amazingly kind words here have been so so helpful, thank you for your thoughts, it helps to hear it... .  and to feel like someone is listening and understanding.  Yesterday was hard, his parents flew in from Europe and they have lived there for the last 10 years they really didnt know what was going on but they knew their son, I wish they had shared with me some of the difficulties they had experienced with him.  I guess back then, he was considered stubborn, quick-tempered, impulsive, highly emotional, but never recognized how serious it may have been... .  and his teachers did not express any concern growing up I am sure because he was good and always has been able to blend in and adapt especially when around those that were not close to him... .  and he ended up going to college, but never finished because "I was smarter than all of the professors and couldn't take it anymore."

A couple nights ago my amazing friends went to see his parents before they had a chance to speak to me, they haven't contacted me since November.  Everyone was afraid they would blame me and upset me.  Truly so many people have really stepped up to protect me knowing how much I have been going through for so long... .  and afraid I was going to blame myself, which I do not. It was good they spoke with them about what has been going on for the last year because they had so many questions that coming from me would not have been the same, nor would I have been able to handle it.  It seemed like they were not going to blame me and were going to be ok with going to the funeral home yesterday with me and my mom to begin making arrangements.  I made it clear that if they wanted a viewing that was up to them, but his wishes were for cremation.  But his mother wanted a viewing and a cremation and cards and this and that, totally up to $6000, which they had only brought $2000 with them.  I left hysterical at one point because I started to cry and all I remember saying is "I want to go home." and my mom rushed me out of there.  After they were done, my friend who had been there to help translate came by to give me the papers to sign and said she was expecting me to have money and that I should be willing to pay and that he told them absolutely not, because he cashed out his 401K, no life insurance, hadn't paid the mortgage in months, and I had been paying for 2 cars and all of our debt because they were in my name and not his, on top of taking care of our son and paying for him to go to daycare and all of his needs... .  since he quit his job in April and has turned down jobs and even easy ones, has not supported me and our son and has left us with nothing... .  and I especially did not want a viewing.  Seriously? 

They are going to pay for it with help from their friends, but seriously?  I did however wake up this morning and realized I am no longer afraid of what others may think or what the "right" thing to do is when it came to attending the viewing.  I did not and could not be there for a big reason and that was because it would hurt me to go, and most of all I am not his wife anymore and I haven't been for a very long time.  I do not need to be there and this service is for them and I do not wish to have his mother hold my hands and crying over him in front of everyone.  I would be uncomfortable and would make more of a scene when I pushed away from her and it would not help me, it would hurt me to be there.  Everyone who matters knows and understands my choice and supports me 100%.  In time, my anger will fade and in time I will accept what he has done and maybe find some peace... .  And definitely in time I will talk to my son about his father in a positive light, remembering him the way I used to know him... .  and giving him his dad's watch and listening to his dad's music.  But right now what is right for me is to think about myself and no one else when it comes to dealing with my ex-husband's suicide and all of the other things about the last few years I have been working on with therapy and becoming a new me, someone I am proud to be and confident and continue to give my son everything including positive roles models.

[Changed4safety]

Dragonfly,

I offer this in hopes that it will help.  My exBPDbf used to threaten suicide.  What was worse for me was that he also had a terror of 911/cops due to a bad incident earlier in his life, so I was afraid to call 911 for fear that would put him over the edge.  It was just me and him.  When he was in the midst of it or ramping up to it, he would say it would be because of me.  But once, when he had calmed down and he was rational again, he said that that wasn't true.  If he ever did take his life, it would be because the illness pushed him to it, and that I wasn't to blame myself.  

Suicide is so tragically not uncommon with this illness.  I firmly believe that what my ex said to me applies to your situation.  From what you have said, I believe you did all you could, the rest was up to him.  

You are in my thoughts and prayers daily.  

Edit:  I am so pleased to see your determination in the face of all this!     You are so right, you absolutely must take care of yourself and not push yourself to do something that is going to distress you further.  You have more than enough.  I know that you will raise your son beautifully, and help him to understand.  You are strong and wise and you are going to heal. 

[Surnia]

dragonfly

I am very glad to hear that you had support in these very hard moments. yes, you are strong and you did the best you could.

I really love your lines:

But right now what is right for me is to think about myself and no one else when it comes to dealing with my ex-husband's suicide and all of the other things about the last few years I have been working on with therapy and becoming a new me, someone I am proud to be and confident and continue to give my son everything including positive roles models.

And whenever you are struggling on this way, we are here to help.

[Dragonfly24]

Just received packages from him he ordered off of Amazon... .  toys for AJ and a necklace for me that I picked out and put on my wish list... .  a karma necklace, may be reading too much into that... .  He wrote- "one last gift.  I love you.  Be well sweetheart".

I have no words, just tears dropping out of my eyes... .  wth :'(

[Clearmind]

Hugs to you Dragonfly. That must have been difficult to receive. The next little while may cause you some surprises - things will came down where you can grieve in peace! It will happen and in the meantime I hope you keep posting here.

[Changed4safety]

Oh, Dragonfly, I wish I could just give you an enormous hug.  Things certainly are coming at you thick and fast.  Clearmind is right, there will come a time when you can grieve in peace.  In the meantime, let those who love you support you, keep talking with your therapist, and keep posting here if it helps.  My heart aches for you. 

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hi Dragonfly,

I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you, I thought of you today without even being here on this board.  I've been touched by suicide in my life, and it's no easy road, but you have love, you have folks who really care for you and your boy.

Sending you positive vibes.

CiF

[Rose Tiger]

That must of been a shocker to receive the necklace and the note.     I hope you are doing ok today, hang in there.  Be real gentle with yourself, rest and eat some healthy food if you can.  Are you able to get some sleep?

[Dragonfly24]

it is the viewing today, his mother had to have a viewing and I am surrounded by people at my house and I just feel so numb... .  i just want today to be over... .  want to hide and be by myself

[Changed4safety]

The hours WILL pass and this will soon be behind you.  Sometimes having people around you is a good thing, sometimes it's not.  I hope shortly you will be able to have the time to yourself that you need. 

[Rose Tiger]

Yes, the hours will pass.  Sending thoughts of strength for you today, and comfort. 

[levi]

i am so sorry, i will keep you and your son in my prayers. Soo sorry.

[sadderbutwiser]

Dragonfly,

Do not let him leave you with this horrible legacy. It seems to me to be a final act of revenge - to ensure you carried the guilt. Don't give it a seconds space in your mind.

You did the right thing for yourself and your boy - you took rsponsible decisions. He has responsibility for his own actions.

My own ex - I used to say - would "press the self destruct button" - and sabotage everything that was good in his life. I said this before I realised what was wrong with him.

Yours pressed the button one final, and dramatic time.

Obviously - you will grieve for what could have been - but we both know that we/our love did not make the smallest difference to their behaviour at the end.

My thoughts are with you - get support for yourself and know that tis time will pass  

[must move on]

Dragonfly,

As a mother who also had to walk away with a child and suicide threats hanging over my head from the outset. I know you did the right thing for you son, I have no doubt in my mind. Your son is So Lucky to have a Mum who stood strong in a turbulent situation.

It is great that you have support for you both right now from friends, family, here and of course your therapist.

You have a right to grief also for all that you shared and dreamed of and out of it came your beautiful son he is now your gift from the universe to remind you stand tall and strong.

be kind to yourself, be your best friend in these tender moments. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Wishes of peace and comfort for you.