Intro

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all,

I'm new to the board and am looking for a sounding board as I have an older sister who has BPD.  She's been through a series of bad break-ups through the years that has only made her more volatile towards those closest to her.  My parents mean well, but often enable her behavior even more as they are not able to set boundaries/limits. This often leaves me feeling as I have no one to turn to.  I have done lots of research and started seeing a therapist to help obtain some balance in my life in dealing pwBPD.  I've been actively working on taking control and setting limits over the last two years as I knew my husband and i wanted to start a family in the near future.  My sister's latest rage towards me has her not returning my calls for the last 4 months after a death occurred in my family.  She became upset that i was communicating with a relative she no longer spoke with and would not let it go.  Maybe I should have made more attempts to contact her, but wanted to allow time for us both to calm down and didn't press when calls went unanswered.  I found out shortly after the funeral that i was pregnant too and ended up sharing the news on her vm as I wanted her to hear from me.  She still has not acknowledged my pregnancy, but recently started emailing me messages describing how selfish i am... .  I've tried to S.E.T techniques previously over email and she'll simply start a new message rehashing past events in which she believes i wasn't there for her.  How can I respond to help improve this relationship?

Sorry to write so much on here in my first post, just wasn't sure where else to turn and not sure how to respond in a way that breaks this pattern.  It's almost her birthday now (big deal for her) and don't want to feel like i don't care, but also don't want to continue tollerating these hurtful e-mails.  What should i do?

Thanks in advance!

[caps4]

Hi all,

I'm new to the board and am looking for a sounding board as I have an older sister who has BPD.  She's been through a series of bad break-ups through the years that has only made her more volatile towards those closest to her.  My parents mean well, but often enable her behavior even more as they are not able to set boundaries/limits. This often leaves me feeling as I have no one to turn to.  I have done lots of research and started seeing a therapist to help obtain some balance in my life in dealing pwBPD.  I've been actively working on taking control and setting limits over the last two years as I knew my husband and i wanted to start a family in the near future.  My sister's latest rage towards me has her not returning my calls for the last 4 months after a death occurred in my family.  She became upset that i was communicating with a relative she no longer spoke with and would not let it go.  Maybe I should have made more attempts to contact her, but wanted to allow time for us both to calm down and didn't press when calls went unanswered.  I found out shortly after the funeral that i was pregnant too and ended up sharing the news on her vm as I wanted her to hear from me.  She still has not acknowledged my pregnancy, but recently started emailing me messages describing how selfish i am... .  I've tried to S.E.T techniques previously over email and she'll simply start a new message rehashing past events in which she believes i wasn't there for her.  How can I respond to help improve this relationship?

Sorry to write so much on here in my first post, just wasn't sure where else to turn and not sure how to respond in a way that breaks this pattern.  It's almost her birthday now (big deal for her) and don't want to feel like i don't care, but also don't want to continue tollerating these hurtful e-mails.  What should i do?

Thanks in advance!

[ambi]

Hi caps4:

  Don't apologize for posting.  We're all here to share, support, and be supported.  IT sounds like you're really struggling with wanting to have your sister in your life, and not being able to navigate the BPD cycles.  I'm sorry that at this time of joy in your life, you're getting all of those hurtful emails. 

There are a lot of tools here to help.  You said you'd tried SET and it wasn't working well with her.  Maybe starting with some boundaries about what you will and won't tolerate? Boundaries Tools of Respect  might be a good place to start.

Keep posting.  It really does help to have someone to share with - the joy of your pregnancy and the struggles with your sister.

welcome.

ambi

[InaMinorRole]

She isn't the sister you wish you had. She's herself. You have to accept that. If and when she comes around, fine. In the meantime be happy with your new little family and your friends and your good life. We can't fix everything.

[beatup]

Dear Caps4,



My heart goes out 2 you. I have a sister, uBPD and went through a similar scenario. My Sis began an angry tirade after we lost our father. I tried to approach her softly with "I know you are hurting and angry because... .  " and she denied it. I tried a more forceful approach with " you dont have the right to hurt people". She ignored that. I was becoming very upset by her emails so I had my husband screen them for me. In my experience, there was no way to get through. I sought out a therapist and a grief counselor and they were well worth my time.

  I simply responded less and less until the proverbial last straw & then I let her have it and that resulted in NC.

  You could send a birthday card to satisfy her and if her emails are upsetting you... .  dont read them or have someone else read them & decide if you should see them.

  There are many good resources here... .  

Take care of yourself

[caps4]

Thanks for all your posts and words of encouragement.  Really does help to hear from others in similar situations and the reassurance that focusing on my little family is not 'selfish' behavior as my uBPD sis likes to point out.  For her birthday, I simply called and left a message and got a 'thank you for your message' text back which was the first kind reaction I received in months.  I didn't respond back and then a few days later another angry tirade e-mail came through... .  haven't been responding directly to these messages and plan on continuing to try and set boundaries going forward in order to take care of myself.  thanks everyone.