settlement and mixed feelings

[gina louise]

I got word from my lawyer that my uBPD (w/NPD traits)H agreed verbally to a settlement rather than risk Court.

I got what I wanted and more than was expected, but I have decidedly mixed feelings.

I never wanted to be divorced and alone in the first place, so I feel torn and saddened.

it's just a loss all around.

I was my H's staunchest supporter through good and bad times, and he kicked me out with nary a backwards glance.

I saw behaviors and heard words from him I never dreamed he would stoop to, or use against me-his closest companion and wife. what a nightmare.

He's still seriously dis-regulated. I can tell via the texts he sent re: the divorce and my  lawyer. It's very triggering for him although he was the one to initiate it.

Apparently, I was not supposed to retain my own counsel, I was to agree to any and all his demands- and essentially give in.

When I didn't, he became aggressive.

It just feels bad, like I lost... .  either way.

there's no winner here, except that this chapter is almost closed.

that's a relief... .  but not a win.

GL

[marbleloser]

Congratulations gina! 

There are no winners in divorce.That's why you feel the way you do. After all we do for them,it's shocking to see that NONE of it ever mattered or made a difference.Let that sink in.Nothing you did,or could do,would have changed things.

Take time to process your emotions g.l. I don't think anyone ever enters marriage thinking they'll be divorced later.It's

a difficult thing to do,and probably one of the hardest to go through.Try to look after yourself and work through it.You're not a failure just because your marriage didn't work out.As you say,this chapter is almost closed. The next one is yours to write.

[ForeverDad]

Let's hope the verbal agreement succeeds.  His Extinction Burst (trying to overwhem your newfound boundaries) when you didn't do as he dictated was almost predictable.  If you had caved, the outcome would have been different.  But you didn't and you'll do okay.

This reminds me of my own ruminations when my divorce ended.  (I can't believe it's been 5 years - and still in & out of court with parenting issues.)  No blaming, just looking back some, accepting it was over and then looking ahead.

The Final Decree was issued earlier today.  Eighteen years... .  gone.  So sad.  So very sad.  If only... .    :'(

Though I wrote above it ended by court decree, it really ended by BPD, NPD or whatever it was that doomed our marriage.  The court just made it official.

A third of my life growing up, another third single and the last third married.  Now I begin another chapter as a single father in shared parenting.

... .  I had thought we had the rest of our lives together, but it was not to be.  These last few years I've had my son even if I didn't have her.  I'm a different person today than I was those many years ago.  Older, maybe even wiser, but not much different I hope.  Now I have to move on.

My palms feel ever so slightly damp, like the blood is rushing to them.  The reality must be hitting home... .  

Thanks to all of you here for your knowledge, insight, encouragement and support.  I feel like crying.

[Rose Tiger]

It can also feel like a relief and enpowering to do what is best to take care of you.  And sad at the loss of what you thought was a permanent commitment.  Ambivilant.

[DreamGirl]

Divorce is strange that way - we're glad when court is over because it helps bring closure, but most of us do expereince a kind of "loss".

Because it is.

I like what Rose Tiger said, ambivalence.

I think it's OK to be happy, sad, and relieved.

There isn't a right or wrong way to feel. It will be another step towards a life that will be better for you. Because that's what we as humans do - adapt to our new surroundings and just make the best of it.

 DreamGirl

[gina louise]

thank you guys.

ForeverDad ... .  funny, I had never realized his aggressive/furious texting as extinction bursts but that's exactly what it was.

he was back to making deals and demands and I didn't respond. he was terribly angry that his control-such as it was- had been slipping. that must have sent him reeling.

thank you for pointing that out.

I was determined not to give in, and also not to "make things worse", knowing what I know from these boards.

I chose a figure to settle at that my wonderful tiger lady attorney didn't approve of-she felt it was a bit low, but I told her my HUSBAND has a limit, and I knew instinctively what he would balk at. I didn't want to drag this out further for a few K more.

People- there are wonderful legal advocates out there. I got a great one. She was firm, fair and reasonable. her fees to me were far too little for the service she rendered me. I had great peace of mind once she was in my corner.

thanks,

GL