Huge blow up...

[itsnotmyfaultanymore]

I hope all is well with everyone... .  

I have been taking great care of myself lately. Working on my co-dependency and self-esteem issues with my T. And I think I have made some great progress over the past 4-5 weeks. I feel stronger, less stressed and much more sure of myself and what is right.

And because of my changes, lately, I have been watching the r/s dynamics with my uBPDw change. The result however has been a definite and specific lack of affection from my SO - what my T referred to as a "change back message" (I don't like the new you... .  change back or else).

It would seem that she doesn't like that she can't twist her way out of the box she's built for herself (her life sucks and it’s not her fault – and I’ll blame whomever will let me… (you have probably all heard this before)… It’s not me it’s you/her/him/that/this…. Just not me).

A rather HUGE one-sided argument ensued this morning... .  I say one sided, because I no longer force my opinions upon her only state that I don't agree and she is entitled to believe whatever it is that she wants. I try and do my best to validate her feelings - although this is still not my strong suit.

I was however, cornered for details on this VERY large ongoing issue/trigger for us this morning... .  For which I refuse to let her break my boundary’s on;

And that is; she believes her current life and situation sucks... .  and I am (or what I do/have done/or will do) the reason why.

I was very clear – validated her feelings (it must really suck to think that your life sucks and it’s out of your control – and I would feel the same way). However, followed this up with a VERY strong TRUTH message – “this not my fault, however, and you can choose a change your situation if you wish. If you don't NOTHING will change”.

Note; if there is a question in this post… It would be… is a TRUTH message such as above helpful in any way?

I refused to further this lie any longer... .  She pushed and pushed this morning for me to “take the blame” (not in so many words of course… usually in much more subtle, passive aggressive ways) . I would not (and will not EVER again) let her break this boundary…

So, like most pwBPD she threw a tantrum. Crying hysterically… We are going on 6 hours now and she has finally just gotten out of bed and come down stairs.

Welcome to my day 

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[yeeter]

Sounds like an extinction burst.

She couldn't get you to capitulate to what she wanted, so just kept escalating

You have spoken your truth

Keep validating.  No need to continually restate your truth (she heard it). Live your talk and let her decide how she wants to adjust from here.

In other words, just hold the course.   She will adjust (or not) from there.  Keep validating.  You just changed the dynamics and it's going to be an adjustment for her.

[itsnotmyfaultanymore]

Thank you yeeter... .  

Funny (ok, not really)... .  that didn't last long;

We are going on 6 hours now and she has finally just gotten out of bed and come down stairs.

She came down stairs, made sure to make obvious her sulking. I asked her if she wanted dinner... .  she said "I'm not hungery" and has now, without another word, disappeared back to bed.

[waverider]

Stating the truth is good especially as that is the boundary you are trying establish. Stating the truth need not be over stated. Just simple  and once. If it gets to aggro just remove yourself, do not allow a debating match over the boundary that just deflects from it.