About the lonelyness...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi!

My BPD exbf has left me 4 times in a year and a half - this is the 5th. This is not an "official" breakup since he asked for space only.

It´s the classic story: he got angry and then he didn´t trust me anymore, he felt hurt - I didn´t even see that coming. I knew that it was time and I saw aaall the   but it was my birthday and I was really busy and stressed -  and he was stressed, too and I was too busy just hoping that the crisis will pass -> the result it´s that it´s Day 7 or 8? of silent treatment.

It´s not a silent treatment exactly. As I work with him I´ve been calm thanks to this board the wonderful people that write here, and Ive been talking to him if necessary but giving him space. He told me we could go home and come to work together and we have been shopping and having a long walk downtown together. He wanted to do that but he doesn´t want anything else, he does not want me to approach to him or his house and acts weird. Not only with me, also with his close friends. He has some memory losses and it´s very agressive. Today we had a walk and I felt that he was calming down his high energy when I talked to him. Then coworkers here told him he looks more relaxed, that they couldn´t talk to him because he was so angry.

But still nothing for me and maybe it´s time to move on for me.

And that´s the point: I´m scared.

I´m scared of being without him. We used to stay a lot of time together during the weekends: art museum, concert, gallery, then walking downtown and then going to have a nice lunch in a nice place, coffees or gintonic, another walk, going to his home to have snacks and watch the news or a movie, then sleep together, cooking a nice breakfast together and it was, of course for BPD, intense and awesome. I used to say: "I can´t believe that we have done so many great things together! It´s like 2 days in 1 and having a great time".

How can I spend next weekend by myself - even with my friends I feel like they are a little boring compared to him... .  that we can´t have the same intense conversations. He has very smart opinions about politics and he knows so many things that I feel that I´m always learning. It´s not the same with my friends or my family.

On one hand, it´s nice to have freedom and I don´t have to follow his fast rythm, on the other hand, I feel frustrated, bored and lost. It was me who was adapting to his world, I don´t know if I will adapt to my simple life again.

I have noticed that I´ve changed after my relationship with him: I do much more things per day than I used to, I´m busy all the time.  I wasn´t like that before. Also, that people see me as too fast when I am speaking or having a conversation and that I am more agressive, I got angry easier than before, I don´t know if it´s because I´m down or because of his influence.

I´m trying to engage in activities and have times with my friends but I feel OK and enjoy it only for about half an hour, then I can´t stop thinking about him and how lonely I feel and that I will not be able to be without him.

And I want to leave and don´t talk to other people and I feel sad after half an hour more or less doing the same thing, I need to change after that. I don´t enjoy things more than half an hour. I mean, I can´t barely stand being with people like that, it´s different here, for example, I feel understood and supported.

What have you done or what do you do to cope with the loneliness and the feeling of being in another place with other people?

Thanks!

[Tormenta]

Hi!

My BPD exbf has left me 4 times in a year and a half - this is the 5th. This is not an "official" breakup since he asked for space only.

It´s the classic story: he got angry and then he didn´t trust me anymore, he felt hurt - I didn´t even see that coming. I knew that it was time and I saw aaall the   but it was my birthday and I was really busy and stressed -  and he was stressed, too and I was too busy just hoping that the crisis will pass -> the result it´s that it´s Day 7 or 8? of silent treatment.

It´s not a silent treatment exactly. As I work with him I´ve been calm thanks to this board the wonderful people that write here, and Ive been talking to him if necessary but giving him space. He told me we could go home and come to work together and we have been shopping and having a long walk downtown together. He wanted to do that but he doesn´t want anything else, he does not want me to approach to him or his house and acts weird. Not only with me, also with his close friends. He has some memory losses and it´s very agressive. Today we had a walk and I felt that he was calming down his high energy when I talked to him. Then coworkers here told him he looks more relaxed, that they couldn´t talk to him because he was so angry.

But still nothing for me and maybe it´s time to move on for me.

And that´s the point: I´m scared.

I´m scared of being without him. We used to stay a lot of time together during the weekends: art museum, concert, gallery, then walking downtown and then going to have a nice lunch in a nice place, coffees or gintonic, another walk, going to his home to have snacks and watch the news or a movie, then sleep together, cooking a nice breakfast together and it was, of course for BPD, intense and awesome. I used to say: "I can´t believe that we have done so many great things together! It´s like 2 days in 1 and having a great time".

How can I spend next weekend by myself - even with my friends I feel like they are a little boring compared to him... .  that we can´t have the same intense conversations. He has very smart opinions about politics and he knows so many things that I feel that I´m always learning. It´s not the same with my friends or my family.

On one hand, it´s nice to have freedom and I don´t have to follow his fast rythm, on the other hand, I feel frustrated, bored and lost. It was me who was adapting to his world, I don´t know if I will adapt to my simple life again.

I have noticed that I´ve changed after my relationship with him: I do much more things per day than I used to, I´m busy all the time.  I wasn´t like that before. Also, that people see me as too fast when I am speaking or having a conversation and that I am more agressive, I got angry easier than before, I don´t know if it´s because I´m down or because of his influence.

I´m trying to engage in activities and have times with my friends but I feel OK and enjoy it only for about half an hour, then I can´t stop thinking about him and how lonely I feel and that I will not be able to be without him.

And I want to leave and don´t talk to other people and I feel sad after half an hour more or less doing the same thing, I need to change after that. I don´t enjoy things more than half an hour. I mean, I can´t barely stand being with people like that, it´s different here, for example, I feel understood and supported.

What have you done or what do you do to cope with the loneliness and the feeling of being in another place with other people?

Thanks!

[trevjim]

I know what you are going through. I Started a new job 2 days after we split and left alot of friends from my old one, which made me feel even more lonely.

How did i cope/Am i coping? I guess i just coped because i dont have any other choice.

Try and keep busy, people will say find a hobby, its not as easy as that because you need to find something you enjoy to make a hobby out of it

I started watching tv shows so that i have something im 'in to' I always worked out but i took it to another level. If i get invited out with mates i will always go.

Its normal to feel how you do, and yes no one is going to replace the intimacy with him you experianced, but try and move on and you will hopefully find someone who will give you the intimacy etc without the BPD, at least that what im hoping ill find.

[happiness68]

Tormenta, it's all normal what you're going through.  Slowly slowly.  Be kind to yourself.  I think I was different at the start of my break up with my BPD (3 1/2 months ago), but now I'm starting to feel like me again.  I have done for the last 5 weeks or so.  I found when I was with him my skin flared on my face a lot.  I had it for the best part of 3 years.  Now I don't have any!  As I say, be kind to yourself.  It will take time and what they say here about taking longer to get over a BPD relationship, I believe is very true.  One day at a time.  Yes, TV helped and does help me too. Anything to distract, so that you're not thinking about your BPD 24/7.

[Tormenta]

 

Thank you

[SarahinMA]

I definitely tried to stay busy to keep from thinking about him... .  I lived alone, which didn't help with my feelings of ultimate loss- especially since we practically lived together.  Now, I've realized that I went overkill, over-committing myself.  I'm trying now to accept my sadness of being alone and concentrate on trying to rediscover myself again; without all the distractions.  Good luck!