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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Do they ever show remorse or apologize for cheating?  (Read 2948 times)
stoic83
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« Reply #30 on: February 08, 2013, 04:08:41 PM »

Amen. Taking all emotion out of the equation, Gus is 100% right... .  accepting the truth is liberating. Our exes simply do not have the capacity to care about anybody else other than themselves... .  they are an endless need... .  a black hole. There are not enough people in the world to satisfy her needs, if everyone gave in to her... .  she would suck up the whole planet... .  I would stop worrying about her and what she does all together. It is never going to make sense to you, since your are most likely not missing parts of your brain, at least the same parts as she is!

Compared with HC, BPD subjects had significant bilateral reductions in gray matter concentrations in ventral cingulate gyrus and several regions of the medial temporal lobe, including the hippocampus, amygdala, parahippocampal gyrus, and uncus. BPD women (and abused BPD women), but not BPD men, had significant reductions in medial temporal lobe, including the amygdala.
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bobbyvp

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« Reply #31 on: February 08, 2013, 06:55:05 PM »

Thank you Gus and Stoic... .  that is very helpful and spot on.  You've given me more strength to continue my NC.  And that is so true about the bottomless need... .  there was no amount of reassuring that I loved her that convinced her in the past... .  and that email was all about her, not me.  I will check out 2010's posts... .  thank you thank you again.
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tigertiger

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« Reply #32 on: February 09, 2013, 05:11:58 AM »

My ex never admitted to cheating. She was very skilled at it.
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Tausk
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« Reply #33 on: February 09, 2013, 12:27:11 PM »

My ex never admitted to cheating. She was very skilled at it.

Do you mean that she was skilled at "never admitting" or  skilled at "cheating"?

Because mine was skilled at both!   

Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)    Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)
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stoic83
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« Reply #34 on: February 09, 2013, 02:31:41 PM »

My ex never admitted to cheating. She was very skilled at it.

Do you mean that she was skilled at "never admitting" or  skilled at "cheating"?

Because mine was skilled at both!   

Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)    Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)

Haha... .  adding some levity to a morbid discourse... .  before this relationship, I would never have even contemplated dating somebody who cheated on a partner... .  what kind of backwards ass way is that to behave? Cheaters are in most cases, selfish trouble makers... .  I would also steer clear of anybody who uses that word in their vocabulary.

I personally have never cheated on a partner and I don't use this word... .  I use words like honesty, loyalty, integrity. That is what I look for in a partner... .  if anyone even mentions that word... .  I am a cheater, or my ex-boyfriend is a cheater... .  I want nothing to do with them.

Hey that might be a rigid boundary... .  but what's worse being alone with someone who has honesty, loyalty, and integrity or being around someone who tries to walk all over my principles, and prove that her primitive way of behaving is better than that of a socially conscious empathic person who tries to ensure that they do right by all who cross their path... .  whether she tried to label you "good" or "bad" , "worthy" or "not worthy"... .  at the end of the day these were all of her projections, and you were merely experiencing projective identification... .  

No self-resepcting woman would ever treat their partner so poorly... .  women who cheat on their partners aren't even women. Women are supposed to be MORE comforting and nurturing and supportive and loyal. A woman who cheats is far worse than a man who cheats... .  what would you say to your close friend if he says about his girlfriend, "kathy is a btch, I met some girl in church and she took me in the car and gave me a blowjob... .  heh"... .  especially if kathy stuck it through with him through thick and thin... .  

You would probably stop being friends with that person because you would realize that he doesn't deserve kathy, nor you as a friend! Why give a woman any less accountability for being a disgusting pig.

I know I have been struggling with reverse sexism, because in my own family, women could do no wrong... no matter how selfish, overdramatic, manipulative, or scapegoating they were... .  I was always to blame because I was a boy and it was clearly wrong to be a boy.

Time to meet some new kind of women. Women who like boys and men and treating their friends and enemies with some sense of integrity... .  she has a strong core, and won't be swayed in her virtues.

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laidee

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« Reply #35 on: February 11, 2013, 09:55:53 AM »

I also got chewed out for going to our pastor the night I found out - hmmm - maybe instead of going to a spiritual person who has some training in this I should have just posted it all on facebook!

I also got chewed out about going to a spiritual adviser. My H was mad and said I was talking about him behind his back. I tried to explain that I went seeking help for our marriage. But when I suggested we go together, he didn't want to. He now talks bad about them, when just a few months before i went to them he praised them. Smh
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slimmiller
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« Reply #36 on: February 11, 2013, 10:25:12 AM »

One of the things that torque me looking back now is the fact that they will never even attempt their sick actions and cheating on some guys. I dont even allow myself to think what 'he' is allowed to do that I never was. Its disgusting.

On the other hand, I always thought when you give love and respect it is returned. What a foolish thought. Maybe in the real world but not theirs.

When it comes to reverse sexism I agree with you stoic. I have had enough of getting stepped on and going forward I wont be a pig (just cant find myself doing that) but whoever I might end up with will be an 'asset' and in more ways then one. No more fix up nut jobs. Guess what I am saying is I now know up front what i can and cannot accept in a realtionship

One of the greatest books I read when mine started crashing was 'Love and Respect'. I took it back to the library halfway through as it was a waste of time by then. It gave me hope so guess thats what mattered
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seeking balance
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« Reply #37 on: February 11, 2013, 12:08:30 PM »

Since finding out about BPD and discovering this Board, I have found myself surprised about how many of you have been cheated on, and yet took your husband/wife or  boy/girlfriend back. 

Those of you whose SO had emotional affairs or full-on physical, do they ever apologize or seek forgiveness?  Do they feel remorse for violating their own standards?  Or, God forbid, for causing you pain?

Mine did not apologize and when pushed blamed me.  Quote, "I was doing what I had to in surviving an abusive relationship." Projection at its finest.

BPD (w/NPD traits) or simply immature - people cheat.  This is not a BPD trait actually and is a common avoidance tool in relationships; unfortunately.  Looking outside of ourselves and looking for someone to make us happy is something many nonBPD people do daily... .  

Taking the BPD facts into this question - let's look at the reality of what can happen if they really realize their behavior violates personal values.  With the intense emotions and all or nothing thinking, can you see where it is not a far leap to "why should I even be alive" kind of thinking?  The basic survival techniques (splitting, projection) a BPD brain uses to protect them from the extreme shame and perhaps consequences of that extreme shame are the very things we get frustrated about and feel victimized ourselves by.

Maladaptive coping strategies (affairs or otherwise) are RARELY about you.  The sooner we wrap our heads around the fact this is a mental illness, not a character disorder; the sooner we can grieve, heal and move forward.

Peace,

SB
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
trouble11
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« Reply #38 on: February 11, 2013, 08:02:15 PM »

I remembered something today that now makes sense to me.  Well ... .  not really but ... .    Years ago exBPDbf got caught cheating on his wife. (now ex wife)  She kept asking him, as anyone would, "How could you do this to me?"   He told me he didn't understand it because as he put it "I didn't DO anything TO her".  Not sure if it was self protecting denial or if he really didn't think cheating was DOING anything to her.  Weird.
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Leaf
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« Reply #39 on: February 12, 2013, 05:51:24 AM »

I tend to think blame shifting, lack of accountability, and especially lack of empathy and remorse for hurting others is more of a spiritual malady than a question of immaturity.  The bible calls this 'seared conscience'.

To me my BPDxbf's not apologizing for cheating etc. doesn't feel like immaturity either, more like some fundamental lack of conscience. I can best understand his behaviour if he sees me like his puppet on a string, cast in the role of his fantasy woman. This fantasy woman is OK with extreme sex to dangerous levels, letting him decide what to do with her money, having other women on the side, etc. If I don't play my part right he starts testing other women for this leading role. Once when he couldn't get his scheduled dose of extreme sex because I had the flue he immediately registered on a dating site.

Of course he doesn't apologize or feal guilty, why would he if I'm just a puppet on a string. It's malfunctioning so he's just going to the store for a better one. He does seem to have a exaggerated consience with regard to e.g. his dog and his mother. Maybe they don't disappoint him as much because the dog role and the mother role are a lot less demanding than the fantasy woman role.

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cal644
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« Reply #40 on: February 12, 2013, 05:56:43 AM »

Yesterday I ran into my soon to be exw comming out of theropy after my daughter and I were comming out of her session (same building) - my ex was crying hysterically so it did give me a little comfort where maybe she actually did feel some remorse.  As for the appology - I sent her a text after seeing her cry asking if she was ok? - her response was "it is what it is"  - I texted that I still loved her - her response was "you shouldn't" - I think that's as close to a real appology that I will ever get - that I shouldn't love her because I deserve better - at least that's what I think.
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slimmiller
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« Reply #41 on: February 12, 2013, 08:33:51 AM »

Mine told me too I souldnt love her. She also told me she was pathetic when she had a rare moment of clarity. That was two of maybe three things she told me in the last few that I believe to be true coming out of her mouth
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asher2
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« Reply #42 on: February 12, 2013, 10:08:23 AM »

One of the things that I initally had a hard time with, was trying to figure out what was "real" and what was not, especially in the things she said to me. I now know it's pretty much a waste of time to try to figure that out because I'll never know the answer.

But I also had my ex tell me things like "I feel like I'm a lost soul" and "I'm sorry I'm just so depressed right now" at the end of our relationship. I tend to think she was being honest when she told me these things (after I found out she had cheated on me).

"I feel like I'm a lost soul" is tough to hear... .  it's sad (BPD or not). Even though I want nothing to do with her ever again, I pray for her often.
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Vinnie
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« Reply #43 on: February 12, 2013, 01:06:39 PM »

I pray for me stbx wife too - I honestly think she is in a vortex of pain most of the time and that is why she would violate her strongly-held belief that having secret extramarital relationship reprehensible.  It's got to be exhausting --the mental gymnastics necessary to justify what she's done.
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lockedout
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« Reply #44 on: February 12, 2013, 02:28:23 PM »

Unfortunately in my case, it's not what you know: it's what you can prove. I work as a firefighter and have 24 hour shifts.  It takes a lot of trust to be out of the house for that amount of time. I'm also not one to burn sick time just so I can come home at an unexpected hour to catch something in progress; if it comes to that, the trust was long-gone. I have no doubt that there were emotional affairs. She told me flat out a long time ago that she was seeking companionship from others since I "wasn't interested" in keeping a flowing conversation with her. Mostly about her dirty office politics or family drama. I should have seen the signs when I saw "strictly platonic" and "m4w" on Craigslist. She'd blown a gasket when I hadn't deleted my Match.com profile after dating for only a couple of months. Instead of asking if I was actually using it or not. She had stumbled across it while her friend was guy shopping at work then bought a subscription just to confront me.

As far as the being away at work goes, she did have one single guy friend that often came over that was a friend of "ours". Physical affair, doubtful. Emotional affair, no doubt. I had seen him quite often then she would only see him alone. Evidence of him (or whoever else) was poorly concealed. There's no way she could get through an entire Domino Pizza with just her and my son. Finding beer in my fridge was a little over the top (I was just as appalled that it was Bud Light) and it went straight to the trash. At the time this was going on, she'd gone back on birth control, attributing it to pre-menopausal symptoms brought on by the stress I was causing by abusing her. When I put the pieces together, fell to pieces, and confronted her, she basically told me I was crazy and that my suspicions were out of line.

Another time, she had been on my case for "slandering" her in online forums (not thins one, thank God). Even though it was completely anonymous and I didn't know enough to spell it out (others saw red flags and prayed for my safety and well-being) she wouldn't accept that. I was on her computer one night and was able to follow her history where she was tailing me online. to make a long story short, it led me to an incognito e-mail account she had with an e-mail from some guy for whom she was doing taxes. "I'm glad I got to come over last night... .  I was worried your roommate might come home but after you file for the divorce it won't matter what he thinks... .  you're who I want". that got me harsh condemnation for invading her privacy and she slammed me for gaining access to his tax returns she claims were attached to the e-mail. No apology.

Right after I'd moved out, she changed the locks after an argument that she instigated. When I went to drive my son (2 1/2) home one night (she failed to mention her intended off-site location) and was trying to console him because we had to get back in the car and I couldn't let him in, a Mustang I'd never seen came rolling up my driveway, opened the garage door, and pulled right in. Needless to say, my reaction wouldn't look good on a resume and I consider this to have been a suicide attempt on his part. Her story was that he was the computer guy from work; albeit a christian with two kids (perhaps the two boys I'd never seen that were in a photograph in her office), and a wife. She said she felt embarrassed by how I acted and that he was there just in case I caused trouble. She did apologize for getting angry over my reaction (guy friend #1 explained to her the cause of my reaction), but not for having another man drive into my garage right after she'd changed the locks while my son was there. She would not tell me who he actually was and not a peep was ever mentioned about damage to his car (a gas station squeegie can pick up some serious velocity when thrown in a rage: I savor in the sound of it hitting his car). The pussy never got out of the car, so I never saw his face.

That was a month ago and I know I'm the farthest thing from being prepared for a relationship and I won't love or trust again any time soon. But I am dating - I just make it clear from the start that I'm  enjoying my new freedom and that if they need me to be "emotionally available" at the snap of a finger, they can move on with no hard feelings. I'm shamelessly and unapologetically on the prowl. I had my first "date" last Thursday and have stuff in the works for tomorrow and Saturday night. I'm also exercising a lot, going to a bible-based recovery program, and journalling like crazy. I'm 38 years old and I look 28 and I'm getting dates and phone numbers quite easily: time for some fun.

As far as whoever she's messing around with (or simply recruiting to be a martyr for her), I could care less. I've since obtained a key to the house and if I need to know anything I'll sneak in and obtain whatever I need for blackmail and intimidation of whoever it is if she doesn't want to play nice when it comes time for the divorce. 
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Cumulus
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« Reply #45 on: February 12, 2013, 09:46:22 PM »

My story is so similar trouble11. When I found out about the cheating (the first time) there were so many apologies, gifts and flowers and talk of how his "failures" had put his marriage at risk. When I found out about the cheating (the second time) I found out that despite all the mea culpa the first time he had never stopped seeing her. It had gone on for a couple years more! The second time I found out was the last time he got to cheat on me. It was my freedom ticket. A reason I could leave.
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adiind
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« Reply #46 on: January 31, 2023, 04:57:24 PM »

Can someone link the post by user "2010" that is being referred here?
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NarcsEverywhere
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« Reply #47 on: February 01, 2023, 08:09:10 AM »

I mean, basically me and my ex both cheated. I cheated for two reasons: She seduced me a lot to control me, I was young, and then she completely abandoned me sexually, and then she had some serious issues surrounding sex, that made it terrible. I cheated on her once in person (nothing too major, but still wrong), immediately confessed and apologized, and then I did end up cheating online a lot, because the lack of anything sexual wore on me.

But she did a lot of things which I feel were worse, like break up the neighbors relationship, was about to run off with him. Then, while living with me, and either during short periods of us taking breaks from each other, would get with other men, who were potential targets, and then complain to me about them, when they didn't run off with her (she never told me if she cheated, but I'm sure she did).. Also, she just had this constant orbit of men who were potential partners, that she was always talking to, including exes. Despite my cheating, I always was committed to her, and never looked to find a replacement.

She apologized once, a bit, but like I'm just glad it's over, that was one messed up relationship. I really think they're bad at apologizing in any sort of meaningful way, and keep a lot of stuff, including cheating hidden. My ex rarely apologized for anything, and when she did apologize after the relationship, she said "I'm sorry for everything". And I just kept thinking what is everything? She never took accountability for hardly anything, so when she says "everything", what is she even talking about?
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