Redefined relationship with uBPDfather and acceptance

[Clearmind]

In the last few months, I have an overwhelming sense of acceptance around my relationship with my uBPD Dad and I just want to share it….Posting it here really cements it for me

Like many folks, I was shocked to realize about 2 years ago, at the age of 39, my father is most likely BPD.  My childhood was full of his rage episodes, loads of alcohol and physical, mental and emotional abuse!

I had spent much of my 20’s and 30’s normalizing his behavior and I even recall mentioning to my T how my ‘father drank a little’! I normalized it so much that I went on to choose Borderline partners myself.

18 months ago I spent about 6 months NC with my father! The shock of learning about BPD, reliving some of my own past trauma and processing it caused me a great deal of angst, stress, upset, blame shifting and immense anger.

Since that time I have slowly but surely learnt some tools (via my T and here), built up my own sense of self worth to the stage where I feel confident in setting boundaries, I know my limits and have in place some very firm ones. I no longer define my worth by the childhood I was dealt.

As my anger has subsided I now notice his great traits rather than concentrating on the bad. He has a wicked sense of humor, knowledgeable, street smart, great businessman, awesome cook and has an opinion.

It feels wonderful to have a renewed outlook on who my father is, not what I wished he was. He is not perfect, he loves me dearly, I love him dearly and I have come to respect and admire him – flaws and all. He is a wonderful person who is imperfect!

I have come to a stage now where I have redefined my relationship – and I am comfortable with it.

Redefining my relationship has lead to me to a greater sense of acceptance of who he REALLY is! That is ----- an imperfect man who loves the best way he can. 

[DreamGirl]

Redefining my relationship has lead to me to a greater sense of acceptance of who he REALLY is! That is ----- an imperfect man who loves the best way he can.  

Love this.

It's who all of us are really - imperfect and loving the only way we know how.

[maria1]

Wow Clearmind- that truly is acceptance and it truly is love. I'm inspired and moved

[Clearmind]

Thanks DG and maria1 - it does feel good to be at peace so I can get on with my own life. We will be just fine

[123Phoebe]

Hi Clearmind

Thank you for posting this, I can really relate.  I also understand how good it feels to be at peace so you can get on with your own life. 

I was stuck and feeling pretty miserable and bogged down before being able to accept my mother, all of her, and redefine our relationship as well.  It's been such a gift and an awakening.

We will be just fine, yes

[Clearmind]

Very happy to hear that Phoebe! 

It's takes some work but it is really all worth it to feel that sense of freedom. My childhood had a real tight hold over me as an adult - my T has been very good at helping me realize that I'm an adult and along with that comes adult privileges. I get to now define my boundaries - I know I can protect myself - whatever is dealt.