trying to prepare if my dd moves here with us for awhile

[somuchlove]

Had a pretty rational visit on the phone yesterday with my dd.  She has found text of bf and another lady.  she said they were reciprocal, he won't respond, she has also felt he is back using some drugs.  He is working hard, he wants to do the right things, he has put up with our dd with all her craziness so I have trouble because I know they both care deeply for each other.  Hard for me to know what she perceives  and what is true.  She is or appears to be so upset, angry.  She is wanting to just leave and sneak back here leaving everything cause her ex is moving across the country for a new job and she and he have made some pretty good decisions on their children together.  Dd doesn't want to stay there if her bf is cheating on her, or doing drugs and her other 2 are with her.  She thinks she would rather move with us for awhile, then when ex is settled maybe move out there to be close to him so the children can be close to dad and her.  This is a problem as her bf and her have a child.  Well he has 2 from another marriage, a child with someone else while dd and he were apart for about 8 months and now one with our dd.  he can't seem to keep his other support going for the 3 let alone providing support to dd for their little one.  So dd wants to just leave.  She ask me if I would be truthful with what I thought she should do.  I did not tell her what to do knowing that it would not be correct if she disagreed, she really only wants the truth if it is what she wants. 

I am trying to prepare myself for them if they should be here for a few months.  I would love having the time with all of them but wow,  i know it might be rough.  I did suggest instead of just taking off she needs to find out how that works.  she doesn't think bf has the money to fight keeping the child there.  it scares her.  Of course she has no money,

I hope that I can hold it together, empower her to make her own choices, think this through and in the long run, maybe grow, decide she needs help in handling stress, so this stuff won't continue .  I guess I would hope that we don't enable but support her, love her and yet make a step in the big picture to break this cycle.   

Help,  How can we make sure we do this.  Not sure how my husband will handle all of this.  He is just so scared that we will continue to spend money money, on her,  it creates stress with us.  Of which I understand.  I am reading and continue to study how to do this stuff.  Just scared... .   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

somuchlove

What really comes through to me is how scared your D is. So many changes for her - her ex moving away and leaving the full responsibility for the two boys with her, the bf abandoning her (this is how she feels based on what she knows)... .  I can understand why she wants to leave and find some emotional shelter with her family.

How can you acknowledge this with her - walk with her through all these emotions and fears. Maybe that is the first step. Then you may discern what the next step in supporting her will be.

There may be alternatives where you live for finanacial asistance and housing if your D moves back to your town. Can you help her explore these options? Can you check with your county housing and human services department for information you can send her, or have them send her? That might be a helpful step.

Are there resources for you to help her come for a visit for a couple weeks while things get settled out with bf and your gd?

Just what pops in my head.

Glad to hear that she has worked things out with exh about the boys.

Hang in there - keep breathing. Give your dh a hug, sounds like he and you both need this.

qcr  

[jellibeans]

Is there an update? Is she home? How is it going?

[somuchlove]

Thanks jellibeans for asking.

She is not home.  She has been having some good talks with my middle dd.  She has calmed down somewhat, thinking a little more rational, at this time anyway.  She is thinking she will stay there, to be close to her other two.  Kind of worried about situation with custody of the little one and bf.  Not sure how that all works.  She is looking into options.  I think my dd is doing a good job of communicating with her, however, it is hard for her.  I have put off calling my BPD dd.  Just wasn't up to it, I guess.  I need to, thought.  She really needs us.  BPD dd feels she needs to try and stay there with bf until she decides to move back here, with the other two as well as the little one this summer.  I guess the positive is BPD dd is thinking things through, right now, not just running, with no regard to what she does.  However tomorrow is another day... .    Just waiting for something else to happen.  She says she can't stay with bf forever, can't forgive him.  Not sure how bad it all is, or if in her mind it was worse ( i am referring to the tx that she intercepted from bf cell phone.

[jellibeans]

yes this is interesting... .  given time their plans always seem to change... .  it is good she is putting some thought into it and not reacting quickly... .  My dd does this often... .  if she asks me for something I try and buy some time because I know in time all will change... .  

[qcarolr]

yes this is interesting... .  given time their plans always seem to change... .  it is good she is putting some thought into it and not reacting quickly... .  My dd does this often... .  if she asks me for something I try and buy some time because I know in time all will change... .  

This is so very true - qcr