Love and Empathy: A different perspective

[Depression = 72% of members]

Love: an emotion of a strong affection and personal attachment. Love is also said to be a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection —"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another".

Empathy: the experience of understanding another person's condition from their perspective. You place yourself in their shoes and feel what they are feeling.

I want to start by saying that I understand, first hand, the pain that we are all going through. I've also been able to manage to no be angry about my whole situation.

I'm sure that most of us here were at one point, or still are like myself, in love with their ex. There is no doubt that my uBPDexgf loved me. We shared tender moments. She so wanted to be known and loved. The more I've read about this disorder, I understand that they really had no control over the outcome of our relationship. Neither did we. It wasn't us and it wasn't them. It was the disorder. 2010's threads are very compelling. I recommend that you read all of them. The relationship had no different course other than the one that brought us here.

Empathy says that we feel what they are feeling. Can we really grasp what our ex's feel? The thought of absolute, uncontrollable fear of attachment and total annihilation. Can any of us really grasp this? I think back to her story. A story of turmoil for a child. A little girl who's mother neglected her in the pursuit of her next husband. Four total. From one failed attachment to another. When her mother and father would fight she'd hide and curl herself in the closet... .  We've all witnessed little children, especially if we're parents, that say "mom" "dad" "look at me". And theres no one to see them. "Is this my daddy?" "Why is he leaving?" "Why can't we stay here?" " Where are we going?" Our exes our real people with real stories.

She grew up desperately looking for love. She made sure looked pretty. She looked beautiful. Yet she'd hide in secret to make herself throw up because she needed to look lovable. She obsessed about how she looked. She loved me though. She fought valiently for us. I saw it. She went to counseling on her own. So did I. I was willing to forgive her indiscretion, her lies. But it was too late. The disorder had taken control.

I refuse to overlook the good that we had. We just never had a chance. It was the disorder. Forgive them.

[wb1233]

Love: an emotion of a strong affection and personal attachment. Love is also said to be a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection —"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another".

Empathy: the experience of understanding another person's condition from their perspective. You place yourself in their shoes and feel what they are feeling.

I want to start by saying that I understand, first hand, the pain that we are all going through. I've also been able to manage to no be angry about my whole situation.

I'm sure that most of us here were at one point, or still are like myself, in love with their ex. There is no doubt that my uBPDexgf loved me. We shared tender moments. She so wanted to be known and loved. The more I've read about this disorder, I understand that they really had no control over the outcome of our relationship. Neither did we. It wasn't us and it wasn't them. It was the disorder. 2010's threads are very compelling. I recommend that you read all of them. The relationship had no different course other than the one that brought us here.

Empathy says that we feel what they are feeling. Can we really grasp what our ex's feel? The thought of absolute, uncontrollable fear of attachment and total annihilation. Can any of us really grasp this? I think back to her story. A story of turmoil for a child. A little girl who's mother neglected her in the pursuit of her next husband. Four total. From one failed attachment to another. When her mother and father would fight she'd hide and curl herself in the closet... .  We've all witnessed little children, especially if we're parents, that say "mom" "dad" "look at me". And theres no one to see them. "Is this my daddy?" "Why is he leaving?" "Why can't we stay here?" " Where are we going?" Our exes our real people with real stories.

She grew up desperately looking for love. She made sure looked pretty. She looked beautiful. Yet she'd hide in secret to make herself throw up because she needed to look lovable. She obsessed about how she looked. She loved me though. She fought valiently for us. I saw it. She went to counseling on her own. So did I. I was willing to forgive her indiscretion, her lies. But it was too late. The disorder had taken control.

I refuse to overlook the good that we had. We just never had a chance. It was the disorder. Forgive them.

[daintrovert13]

This is Deep.

Can someone put up the link to 2010's posts? Thanks

[maria1]

Great post Wb- for me it is what the journey of detaching is all about. Can we really grasp what our ex's feel? The unbearable terror of engulfment and the unbearable terror of abandonment? No we can't really get that, but we can try.

The key to me was reading about abandonment/ engulfment and relating it back to stuff that my ex used to say.

My ex loved me and I think he still does. i think I still love him in a way. But I know a relationship between us is impossible because I cannot fix the abandonment/ engulfment impossible paradox. I actually do believe that what my ex and I shared was real love but it was because it was so good that he had to run. He always does.

You are on a good path Wb   

[HarmKrakow]

Love: an emotion of a strong affection and personal attachment. Love is also said to be a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection —"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another".

Empathy: the experience of understanding another person's condition from their perspective. You place yourself in their shoes and feel what they are feeling.

There is no doubt that my uBPDexgf loved me. We shared tender moments. She so wanted to be known and loved.

I don't think BPD's love in the definition you shared with us. Actually, i'm sure of it. However they do want to be known and loved and hugged and be confirmed with the security they can get from you.

Someone with BPD does not understand the true meaning of love due to their malfunction in their head. They fill in the deep void within yourself which you perceive to be love, however we've all been living in that lie. Thats why it hurts so     ing much to detach ourselves from that.