Is Either Party Aware of the Shift?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

First few months of our relationship looked like this: She spends every second of every day going well out of her way to pamper me beyond anything I've ever experienced before - to the point of being uncomfortable.  If I ask to help with something as trivial as cleaning up after dinner, I'm told not to be ridiculous.

Last few months of our relationship looked like this: I'm tearing my hair out (and it's starting to fall out on its own), losing entire nights of sleep, not eating, feeling dizzy, suffering intense anxiety, and funneling thousands of dollars into gifts and gestures that have been requested but are later unappreciated, scoffed at, or disregarded as meaningless or "not good enough."

How is it that, in those last few months, I could still believe I was dealing with the person I'd seen in the first few months?  How can we miss the transformation?

[GustheDog]

First few months of our relationship looked like this: She spends every second of every day going well out of her way to pamper me beyond anything I've ever experienced before - to the point of being uncomfortable.  If I ask to help with something as trivial as cleaning up after dinner, I'm told not to be ridiculous.

Last few months of our relationship looked like this: I'm tearing my hair out (and it's starting to fall out on its own), losing entire nights of sleep, not eating, feeling dizzy, suffering intense anxiety, and funneling thousands of dollars into gifts and gestures that have been requested but are later unappreciated, scoffed at, or disregarded as meaningless or "not good enough."

How is it that, in those last few months, I could still believe I was dealing with the person I'd seen in the first few months?  How can we miss the transformation?

[PM720]

I think the issue is that it is hard for us to grasp what is happening.  It isn't logical, so you can't really understand what you are seeing bc it makes no sense.  How can someone who was overly loving and caring to the point of obsession, just completely turn around?  So, you start to internalize it and think that it must be something you've done.  So you start doing whatever you can to get back to that point and like you said it is never enough.

If you are out of the relationship, be glad it is over.  Take some time to evaluate yourself and see why you became involved with someone like this in the first place.  Go back and look at the red flags you either missed or chose to ignore and understand why you looked those over.

Good luck!

[trevjim]

Because she hooks you in so well in the idilozing phase, you become love blind

[Discarded26]

Because she hooks you in so well in the idilozing phase, you become love blind

I was love blind and I'm trying to come to terms with being cut out so coldly and harshly

Just wish it didn't hurt so much

[trevjim]

Because she hooks you in so well in the idilozing phase, you become love blind

I was love blind and I'm trying to come to terms with being cut out so coldly and harshly

I'm in the same boat, even though I've accepted she has a new boyfriend, and that she isn't a good or trustworthy girlfriend, I just can't get rid of my feelings for her.

[GustheDog]

Because she hooks you in so well in the idilozing phase, you become love blind

I was love blind and I'm trying to come to terms with being cut out so coldly and harshly

I'm in the same boat, even though I've accepted she has a new boyfriend, and that she isn't a good or trustworthy girlfriend, I just can't get rid of my feelings for her.

The devaluation, being discarded, and the coping with the aftermath - alone and miserable - were just the worst things I've ever experienced (really, I can't remember a darker time in my life).

I also remember that the devaluation was causing me to engage in a lot of splitting, too - of myself, mostly.  One day I would feel worthless, and believe her projections and insults, and actually feel deserving of her treatment - almost to the point of thinking that *she* was great for putting up with all of *my* ___ for so long; a less dedicated girlfriend would have left such a deeply flawed guy like me long ago!  How warped is that?

Then the next day I'd force myself to realize that I hadn't done anything wrong - I had not changed in any way since we'd met (at least not in any way affecting the core of who I am), it was her behavior that had changed.  Yet even when I could see that this much was true, it didn't make me feel any better about the situation, or result in me trying less frantically to fill the leaking bucket.

For me, though, I'm finally beyond my feelings for "her."  I mean, I do still have feelings for what I was presented with, but that was only one part of her.  It really isn't until you're split black that you get to see the entire person you've been sharing your life with.  It's just the other side of the same coin.

I think realizing that much, while painful in its own way at first, eventually does a lot to help with detaching.  There's her good part-time self, and her bad part-time self - and they're a package deal.

I think you have to ask yourself if your feelings for "her" remain the same now that she's put the other 50% of herself out on the table.  Mine certainly haven't.

[Tausk]

read the thread from the workshop series about idolization and devaluation. the link below should work.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0

[FollowingBliss]

I also remember that the devaluation was causing me to engage in a lot of splitting, too - of myself, mostly.  One day I would feel worthless, and believe her projections and insults, and actually feel deserving of her treatment - almost to the point of thinking that *she* was great for putting up with all of *my* ___ for so long; a less dedicated girlfriend would have left such a deeply flawed guy like me long ago!  How warped is that?

I think many of us have felt that way, Gus. My ex had me believing I was crazy, selfish and spent most of our time together ripping him to shreds.  He was a cheater, a liar and an emotional and financial drain, yet I here I sit thinking I blew the best thing that ever happened to me.

How long was it for you before the fog lifted?

[Clearmind]

Idealization is addictive. I too was idealized to the stage of being uncomfortable. I felt validated, loved like I had never before, accepted, important. It also shows that I had very loose boundaries – I felt uncomfortable yet said nothing. It was all so wonderful that I neglected to pause to see if this r/s was good for me.

It felt like perfection. Perfection is fiction!

Last few months of our relationship looked like this: I'm tearing my hair out (and it's starting to fall out on its own), losing entire nights of sleep, not eating, feeling dizzy, suffering intense anxiety, and funneling thousands of dollars into gifts and gestures that have been requested but are later unappreciated, scoffed at, or disregarded as meaningless or "not good enough."

She needed you, you needed her. You both needed saving.

Healing has much to do about figuring out why you feel a void and why you needed her to fill it for you and why you have not been able to fulfil it yourself.

The ride is addictive. The highs/lows and the constant drama is addictive. I felt alive for the first time in a long time. I felt like a kids in a candy store – until it all went south.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle