What makes detachment from a BPD r/s so different than a normal r/s?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Serious folks, purely as a lesson maybe also for the rest of us, what makes it so difficult for us to detach ourselves from the claws of our bf/gf w BPD in comparison to a normal r/s?

I often heard from friends in the beginning that I was being in idiot for being so dramatic about the issues in my r/s w my gf w BPD. I ofc. agree, she's not worth the drama. But why is it so hard to detach ourselves from them? I'm curious to hear your answers. I've had perfect normal r/s which broke up mutually or where interests shifted. But in the end, the break up, was not a dirty one.

However, as i'm currently struggling to detach from my crazy gf w BPD I struggle severely with the question why the fudge berry cheesecake does it hurt so much? Like it hurts that much that every day I go to work and I see the tube coming, I feel this urge through my veins that I can end all my misery and troubles within a few seconds.

And if I then look at the question; WHY?

This r/s with my gf w BPD filled in such a huge void that now she is out of that, I never felt so empty before in my life. I don't like to do things anymore folks. I don't. I go to 2 shrinks, and have a full-time job but besides that, i've had it. Completely ... I don't like going out nor meeting new people. I'd rather be dead right now.

What's your take on the question I presented here?

[HarmKrakow]

Serious folks, purely as a lesson maybe also for the rest of us, what makes it so difficult for us to detach ourselves from the claws of our bf/gf w BPD in comparison to a normal r/s?

I often heard from friends in the beginning that I was being in idiot for being so dramatic about the issues in my r/s w my gf w BPD. I ofc. agree, she's not worth the drama. But why is it so hard to detach ourselves from them? I'm curious to hear your answers. I've had perfect normal r/s which broke up mutually or where interests shifted. But in the end, the break up, was not a dirty one.

However, as i'm currently struggling to detach from my crazy gf w BPD I struggle severely with the question why the fudge berry cheesecake does it hurt so much? Like it hurts that much that every day I go to work and I see the tube coming, I feel this urge through my veins that I can end all my misery and troubles within a few seconds.

And if I then look at the question; WHY?

This r/s with my gf w BPD filled in such a huge void that now she is out of that, I never felt so empty before in my life. I don't like to do things anymore folks. I don't. I go to 2 shrinks, and have a full-time job but besides that, i've had it. Completely ... I don't like going out nor meeting new people. I'd rather be dead right now.

What's your take on the question I presented here?

[really]

I understand (and live) those feelings but don't have the answer to the question myself, other than I used up an awful amount of emotional energy on her and having given so much I had so little left in the tank when she suddenly ended things to start a life with my replacement.

[Guz]

Not accepting that she did not trust my love is what makes it hard for me.

Or maybe that she did not value me enough for her to want to share her feelings - instead of

( for example ), leaving me in the middle of the night to go drinking/sleeping with a guy twice her age - only to regret this dearly when awakening the next day.

Both makes me feel so insignificant to the person i love(d).

[mitti]

Because the connection to them was so strong, because we had never been loved that way before. Because they idealized us and made us feel so good about ourselves in the r/s. And then to, seemingly without any sense or logic, pull that rug from under our feet and completely discard us as though we never had any value to them at all.

[lost007]

Because we have forgotten how to live. We have forgotten what normal is. Normal healthy friendships and attachments have been given up in an attempt to placate our partner with BPD. They became our world. Inhabited it completely. Our friends are gone. Maybe our family. Perhaps we are unable or decline to re engage old relationships with our friends and family for many reasons. One because we have forgotten how as this other person became our soul focus. It took great energy to keep them happy. In my case I'm afraid to reach out because I afraid she will sabotage any new relationship. Because I am still afraid. Still dealing with her fallout. Hoping it gets better. That I can relearn normal behavior. Divorce is soon. I'm holding on. Hoping it goes through. That something doesn't happen and it gets postponed. I have postponed living normal long enough.

[HarmKrakow]

Because we have forgotten how to live. We have forgotten what normal is. Normal healthy friendships and attachments have been given up in an attempt to placate our partner with BPD. They became our world. Inhabited it completely. Our friends are gone. Maybe our family. Perhaps we are unable or decline to re engage old relationships with our friends and family for many reasons. One because we have forgotten how as this other person became our soul focus. It took great energy to keep them happy. In my case I'm afraid to reach out because I afraid she will sabotage any new relationship. Because I am still afraid. Still dealing with her fallout. Hoping it gets better. That I can relearn normal behavior. Divorce is soon. I'm holding on. Hoping it goes through. That something doesn't happen and it gets postponed. I have postponed living normal long enough.

How do you get back to living normal again?

[HarmKrakow]

Not accepting that she did not trust my love is what makes it hard for me.

Or maybe that she did not value me enough for her to want to share her feelings - instead of

( for example ), leaving me in the middle of the night to go drinking/sleeping with a guy twice her age - only to regret this dearly when awakening the next day.

Both makes me feel so insignificant to the person i love(d).

What do you mean by feeling insignificant ?

[nowwhatz]

Because the connection to them was so strong, because we had never been loved that way before. Because they idealized us and made us feel so good about ourselves in the r/s. And then to, seemingly without any sense or logic, pull that rug from under our feet and completely discard us as though we never had any value to them at all.

For me this has happened so many times with my uBPDexgf it is like charlie brown going back over and over to kick the football knowing that lucy will always pull it away.

[wb1233]

Here's a thought.

Could it be that we actually sense that they love us even as they are devaluing us? That they actaully do love us but they don't understand why they are doing what they are doing. From our perspective it would be as looking at them, while each one of us are consious of our love, let go of the life preserver only to drown before our eyes. And there was nothing we can do. And we saw it happen. That would be pretty traumatic.

[nowwhatz]

Here's a thought.

Could it be that we actually sense that they love us even as they are devaluing us? That they actaully do love us but they don't understand why they are doing what they are doing. From our perspective it would be as looking at them, while each one of us are consious of our love, let go of the life preserver only to drown before our eyes. And there was nothing we can do. And we saw it happen. That would be pretty traumatic.

Drowning is a good analogy. If you care about a person and see them drowning you are going to want to throw them a life preserver. But the BPD person is weighted down so much no life preserver will save them. And if we are tangled in the line we go down with them.

[Guz]

Not accepting that she did not trust my love is what makes it hard for me.

Or maybe that she did not value me enough for her to want to share her feelings - instead of

( for example ), leaving me in the middle of the night to go drinking/sleeping with a guy twice her age - only to regret this dearly when awakening the next day.

Both makes me feel so insignificant to the person i love(d).

What do you mean by feeling insignificant ?

That I did not made more of a difference to her. That I was not important.  I tried SO hard to help her. To love her well. But she preferred the kind of superficial praise she could get from an blabbering alcoholic. And i took the rejection as a proof of my failure as a husband. Even though i had a hard time trying to find any more ways to improve myself.

[wb1233]

Guz.

I know the pain. You have to understand that it is not you. It's not her. It's the disorder. You can't blame yourself or the blind person for not being able to see.

[Guz]

Here's a thought.

Could it be that we actually sense that they love us even as they are devaluing us? That they actaully do love us but they don't understand why they are doing what they are doing. From our perspective it would be as looking at them, while each one of us are consious of our love, let go of the life preserver only to drown before our eyes. And there was nothing we can do. And we saw it happen. That would be pretty traumatic.

THIS is actually what it felt like for me. As if she just gave up trying to live within our dream of a marriage and chose to part from it. As if her power to mirror my dreams and hopes just came to an end - but without her having any idea why - or maybe even without any real dreams of her own.

As if it also came as a big surprise to her.

[Guz]

Guz.

I know the pain. You have to understand that it is not you. It's not her. It's the disorder. You can't blame yourself or the blind person for not being able to see.

Thanks - I know that now.

Finding this place really  helped me a lot 

[TheDude]

For me this has happened so many times with my uBPDexgf it is like charlie brown going back over and over to kick the football knowing that lucy will always pull it away.

HAHAHAHAHA!

I actually used that reference with my ex as she was seducing me into round four. 

[nowwhatz]

For me this has happened so many times with my uBPDexgf it is like charlie brown going back over and over to kick the football knowing that lucy will always pull it away.

HAHAHAHAHA!

I actually used that reference with my ex as she was seducing me into round four. 

Hahaha. I have lost count of the rounds and feel a little punch drunk. I'm ready to contact trutv see if i can work out a deal for a new reality tv show My BPD Gf.  Could be a big hit and my udBPDexgf needs $$ . wouldnt even have to stage any of it.

[SarahinMA]

For me:

I've always kept people at a distance and not let people completely "in".  He made me so comfortable- the ease with him was none like I'd ever felt before- with anyone.  He told that he'd never felt happier, he felt at "home" with me- picking out homes that we would live in, etc.  In his arms, I felt safe and content.  I opened up and told him things that I'd never told anyone.  For the first time, I was completely vulnerable. 

Then, in the blink of an eye, it was gone.  I thought that he accepted me for all my faults and then he cruelly threw them back in my face.  He basically told me the relationship was over and it was all my fault.  Then, he was gone and never looked back- any other interaction was him being cruel or screwing with my head... .  leading me on that he still cared, but wondering why I would ever think that.  Now, he looks at me like I am nothing- a stranger and could care less if I was alive or dead.

That's what I'm struggling with- trust again and opening myself up to another person, while still missing the happiness I felt when with him. 

[SarahinMA]

Looking at past breakups and friends in normal relationships who have broken up- they can at least be civil.  There is an acknowledgment that the two still care for each other to some degree, the relationship just didn't work out.  Blame it on timing, etc. 

My breakup with my exBPD is completely different.  He erased all trace of me in his head and that is the hardest part.  I know it's all about unhealthy validation, but I want to believe that I meant something to this person.

[mitti]

For me:

I've always kept people at a distance and not let people completely "in".  He made me so comfortable- the ease with him was none like I'd ever felt before- with anyone.  He told that he'd never felt happier, he felt at "home" with me- picking out homes that we would live in, etc.  In his arms, I felt safe and content.  I opened up and told him things that I'd never told anyone.  For the first time, I was completely vulnerable. 

Then, in the blink of an eye, it was gone.  I thought that he accepted me for all my faults and then he cruelly threw them back in my face.  He basically told me the relationship was over and it was all my fault.  Then, he was gone and never looked back- any other interaction was him being cruel or screwing with my head... .  leading me on that he still cared, but wondering why I would ever think that.  Now, he looks at me like I am nothing- a stranger and could care less if I was alive or dead.

Almost word for word, the same for me, especially our breakup 2 years ago. He didn't straight out blame me but I found out what he told others about me.

It's the giving us the world and then a complete turnaround, robbing us of all they gave and breaking every single promise. Normal love just doesn't work that way and we know that. So it seriously messes with your head and breaks your heart.

[GustheDog]

I know the pain. You have to understand that it is not you. It's not her. It's the disorder. You can't blame yourself or the blind person for not being able to see.

First, I relate to and have experienced what's been stated in just about every single post on this thread.  I allowed this person to take me to the highest euphoria only to have them thrash me down into the most tormenting dysphoria of my life.  It is a trauma - no question.  And for a long time you question yourself, and your perceptions about what's real.  You can no longer trust yourself, and you certainly can't trust anyone else.  I had a good life before I met my ex, and I thought I had a great one with her - and I furthermore thought it would keep getting better indefinitely.  Now everything is just plain ugly.

Yes, it's the disorder, wb - I mostly agree.  If anyone's read my posts, it's probably pretty clear that I've been struggling with the concept of responsibility lately.  It really makes no practical difference in the end how I allocate the blame - and maybe all these mental gymnastics are just an avoidance technique I'm subconsciously engaging in to escape my own reality.

I will say one thing, though.  Every time I get close to a good spot, something happens - I remember something that seemed particularly nasty or personal and, well, I take it personally.

Today I had a big setback.  I was browsing another popular BPD forum (one where nons and BPDs can interact), and I saw a thread where female BPDs were openly discussing hurting their boyfriends, and how they *enjoy* it.  Worse still, the tenor wasn't along the lines of, "Man, this is terrible, how can we stop?"  It was more akin to, "Oh, you do that too?  Like, I'm totally the same way!  I cheat all the time, too!  That's so neat that we all get off on their pain!  Your like srsly my new bff!"

These aren't verbatim quotes, obviously, but they could have been.  So, anyway, I see ___ like that and it kind of puts a wrench in my empathy.

[Clearmind]

harmkrakow, detaching is so hard when you are so hyper-focussed on her. She is not the answer as to why you feel like this. She didn't do this - she was a catalyst.

This relationship has hit your own abandonment issues. Why do you think that might be? Think back before your ex came along.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle

[Changed4safety]

For me this has happened so many times with my uBPDexgf it is like charlie brown going back over and over to kick the football knowing that lucy will always pull it away.

HAHAHAHAHA!

I actually used that reference with my ex as she was seducing me into round four. 

LOL!  I used this reference with my therapist. 

[Guz]

This relationship has hit your own abandonment issues. Why do you think that might be? Think back before your ex came along.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle

I know that for me - that  Getting the feeling of being loved, understood or even recognized as a a creature deserving of kindness and respect became just as hard as it was with my Mother.

I used to joke about how the kindest words i ever recieved from my Mother was " Oh! You're so Lucky" , when recieving top grade from my final Exames.

Sad thing - its the truth.

Thought I had learned to live with that. But i guess that was a lie.

And I know this is why I still struggle SO hard with unequitted love from my exBPDw.

[Cumulus]

Harder to leave because I felt personally responsible for his well being. Realize now how abnormal that was.

Harder to leave because they don't disconnect well and he has tried to return many times.

Harder to leave because he got in my head and it took a long time to stop hearing his voice as my own.

[just_think]

Today I had a big setback.  I was browsing another popular BPD forum (one where nons and BPDs can interact), and I saw a thread where female BPDs were openly discussing hurting their boyfriends, and how they *enjoy* it.  Worse still, the tenor wasn't along the lines of, "Man, this is terrible, how can we stop?"  It was more akin to, "Oh, you do that too?  Like, I'm totally the same way!  I cheat all the time, too!  That's so neat that we all get off on their pain!  Ur like srsly my new bff!"

These aren't verbatim quotes, obviously, but they could have been.  So, anyway, I see ___ like that and it kind of puts a wrench in my empathy.

Heh, been there before.  The other striking thing I noticed about that site is that there are maybe 100 users there with a couple dozen active at any given time.  There are something like 60k members here.  They don't want to get better, rarely get treatment and make the same mistakes over and over again in their lives.

edit: but then I realize that I am here 2 years and 2 more relationships on ha.