How can ex be happy in meaningless relationship?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Ill try and fill you in, she had a relationship with 'R' for a short while, cheated on him and moved on to 'S' for 6 months, again she cheated on this one. She then got with 'A' for 1 year and had a baby but cheated on him aswell. A is now I'm jail and currently out the picture. Then she got with me for 2.5 years. In those years if we broke up for a day or even a month, she would start seeing and sleeping with R and S. However she would always come back to me. So at the time I figured she obviously doesn't love them if she comes back to me etc.

However this time I split up with her for good, and she got with S the next day and they have been togeather since and seem really happy.

How can she go from cheating on him, to using him when we had a bust up, to now being 'madly in love' and trying for a baby and living togeather?

I know I should not dwell on it but its a question that's been bothering me.

[trevjim]

Ill try and fill you in, she had a relationship with 'R' for a short while, cheated on him and moved on to 'S' for 6 months, again she cheated on this one. She then got with 'A' for 1 year and had a baby but cheated on him aswell. A is now I'm jail and currently out the picture. Then she got with me for 2.5 years. In those years if we broke up for a day or even a month, she would start seeing and sleeping with R and S. However she would always come back to me. So at the time I figured she obviously doesn't love them if she comes back to me etc.

However this time I split up with her for good, and she got with S the next day and they have been togeather since and seem really happy.

How can she go from cheating on him, to using him when we had a bust up, to now being 'madly in love' and trying for a baby and living togeather?

I know I should not dwell on it but its a question that's been bothering me.

[really]

They simply cannot be alone.   Have you read 2010's post re abandoned child?

My ex could go from saying it was her and me against the world, talk about the family she wanted to have with me, then go back into the arms of her ex the next day.    She hasn't been single for a day since she was 15.   She has always had someone in the wings or an ex to re-engage with.     

In my case it destroyed my self esteem and opened old wounds.

It's heart wrenching to be on the receiving end but it is quite simply how these relationships play out.    That doesn't make the pain any easier in the short term (well not to me) but understanding it is the natural course of a relationship with someone with BPD has helped me stop turning the blame on myself.  Certainly some of my behaviour (being too forgiving at times and getting frustrated after being lied to so often) triggered her BPD behaviour - triggered engulfment and abandonment fears, and therefore I had a part in how things turned out, but it was always going to happen.

[trevjim]

They simply cannot be alone.   Have you read 2010's post re abandoned child?

My ex could go from saying it was her and me against the world, talk about the family she wanted to have with me, then go back into the arms of her ex the next day.    She hasn't been single for a day since she was 15.   She has always had someone in the wings or an ex to re-engage with.     

In my case it destroyed my self esteem and opened old wounds.

It's heart wrenching to be on the receiving end but it is quite simply how these relationships play out.    That doesn't make the pain any easier in the short term (well not to me) but understanding it is the natural course of a relationship with someone with BPD has helped me stop turning the blame on myself.  Certainly some of my behaviour (being too forgiving at times and getting frustrated after being lied to so often) triggered her BPD behaviour - triggered engulfment and abandonment fears, and therefore I had a part in how things turned out, but it was always going to happen.

Surley if the person with BPD is with however for the sake of not being alone, and not for the right reasons, then their BPD behaviours will be worse as they are not happy?

[really]

Probably in the long run but I think the need to be with someone is so strong that in the short to medium term it does not matter. Their lack of self drives them to attach to someone. 

Have you seen this recent post?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=193089

[trevjim]

So what happens if they do meet someone they actually 'love' ?

[newlymarried]

So what happens if they do meet someone they actually 'love' ?

BPD is a relational disorder, they don't love anyone. Their disease makes them fundamentally incapable of empathetic selfless love.

[HarmKrakow]

So what happens if they do meet someone they actually 'love' ?

BPD is a relational disorder, they don't love anyone. Their disease makes them fundamentally incapable of empathetic selfless love.

Yip. They can't love anyone. And they perceive themselves to be happy in a meaningless r/s. It's just a big lie they are living in

[tailspin]

Meaningless relationships have less stress, less responsibility, and less triggering for a disordered mind.  Meaningless is safe and for someone who has no sense of "self" meaningless is a relief.  No effort, no emotional investment, and no pressures makes it easier to deny you have a problem. 

I'm sorry you've been through all this but you are going to be ok 

tailspin

[trevjim]

Maybe its just me, but I get butterflys in my tummy when I talk to certain women, even sometimes if I just make eye contact walking past! That to me is 'love at first sight' well as far as that saying goes anyway.

Do pwBPD not get that? If they are in these meaningless safe boring relationships, and they bumped into someone that made them blush etc, would that not make then stop and think?

[Somewhere]

You clearly missed the rules.

Always All About "Them."

What do you count for in that?

[ambi]

I don't think that because someone has BPD, it makes them heartless or without feeling.  I think that my BPD spouse did love me and probably still does.  It seemed to me that whenever we had a very close encounter, he had that fear of engulfment and distanced himself.  In retrospect, the day after I said I love you for the first time, he suddenly became very "busy" an could only manage a few texts for two weeks.    When we shared something intimate, he was sure to distance shortly after.

It felt like rejection while I was going through it, but I really think that it was because he actually felt the love that he treated me worse.  He could be charming with strangers and acquaintances because there was nothing to defend against - no fear of being hurt. 

[Seb]

I totally agree. I think pwBPD, just like anyone else, are more attracted to and have deeper connections with some partners than others.

In my experience, the closer you are, the more they care for you, the more you trigger the disorder. This is seen by the relationships they can maintain - work, acquaintance, etc - as these are superficial on most levels. But a partner? Someone they are the most intimate with? We trigger their symptoms the most.

The more they care for us the more their symptoms are triggered. My exgf finds it far easier to maintain superficial, casual and less-invested hookups. She totally crumbles under the weight of a relationship.

[trevjim]

I guess the partner she is with now is more of a case of need than want (if my hunch is correct about them)

But i just cant understand how they dont seem to have the capacity to 'want' someone

[seeking balance]

I guess the partner she is with now is more of a case of need than want (if my hunch is correct about them)

But i just cant understand how they dont seem to have the capacity to 'want' someone

This is black/white thinking on your part.  There is not an all or nothing approach when looking at BPD, which is why it can be so hard for us to wrap our heads around.

You cannot know if she needs or wants or both with him - and frankly it doesn't matter, does it?

[trevjim]

I guess the partner she is with now is more of a case of need than want (if my hunch is correct about them)

But i just cant understand how they dont seem to have the capacity to 'want' someone

This is black/white thinking on your part.  There is not an all or nothing approach when looking at BPD, which is why it can be so hard for us to wrap our heads around.

You cannot know if she needs or wants or both with him - and frankly it doesn't matter, does it?

You are quite right I cannot know and it doesn't matter, I am merely trying to gain a greater understanding of BPD so I am further prepared should it enter my life again.

[seeking balance]

I guess the partner she is with now is more of a case of need than want (if my hunch is correct about them)

But i just cant understand how they dont seem to have the capacity to 'want' someone

This is black/white thinking on your part.  There is not an all or nothing approach when looking at BPD, which is why it can be so hard for us to wrap our heads around.

You cannot know if she needs or wants or both with him - and frankly it doesn't matter, does it?

You are quite right I cannot know and it doesn't matter, I am merely trying to gain a greater understanding of BPD so I am further prepared should it enter my life again.

Understanding BPD did help me detach - let's take a look at what you are asking... .  where would that fall into the criteria of BPD... .  most questions fall into the criteria and by depersonalizing behaviors it can help detach.

so, looking at the article 2 - where do you think this question fits?

[trevjim]

I just dont understand that if for a pwBPD, its a case that anyone who fulfills there needs will do, what happens when they meet someone they wants/lust over?

[seeking balance]

I just dont understand that if for a pwBPD, its a case that anyone who fulfills there needs will do, what happens when they meet someone they wants/lust over?

Do you not think lust or want is a need?

Again, you are doing black/white thinking - all relationships are not about fulfilling an emotional void.

I ask you again, looking at the CRITERIA - where is your question stemming from?

IF you are worried about this happening to you again, (as you suggest above) the way to go about it is to focus on you and criteria for a healthy relationship.

[trevjim]

I just dont understand that if for a pwBPD, its a case that anyone who fulfills there needs will do, what happens when they meet someone they wants/lust over?

Do you not think lust or want is a need?

Again, you are doing black/white thinking - all relationships are not about fulfilling an emotional void.

I ask you again, looking at the CRITERIA - where is your question stemming from?

IF you are worried about this happening to you again, (as you suggest above) the way to go about it is to focus on you and criteria for a healthy relationship.

I guess i just dont buy that her new relationship will last, of course i dont know alot about it anymore have been N/C for 6 weeks, but it scares me it will break down and she will come back. Im working on myself to say no, if she does, however you only really know if you will say no once put in that situation

[seeking balance]

I guess i just dont buy that her new relationship will last

not your concern, honestly.

focusing on this relationship is likely keeping you from feeling something deeper about your own beliefs... .  once you go here emotionally, you won't care about this.

of course i dont know alot about it anymore have been N/C for 6 weeks, but it scares me it will break down and she will come back.

what I can tell you for a fact, if you work on YOU - get healthy, even if she comes back, you won't be tempted to go back to her.  Yes, the contact may hurt for a moment, but you will be strong... .  you will believe in your worth ... .  and you will not go back.

Im working on myself to say no, if she does, however you only really know if you will say no once put in that situation

Have faith, continued self care and self work - you won't go back... .  if you do, is certainly won't be for long.  As I have told others, IF this situation occurs - it gives you a good gauge of your own recovery.

FEAR - False, Expectations, Appearing, Real

Living in FEAR - or "what if" - most of the time, the things we fear do not occur... .  stay in the moment - not the past and not the future.

Ask yourself often - where are you?

Answer - right here, right now

Peace,

SB

[tailspin]

Trev,

I think you're asking the question because you wondering/worrying if your ex will meet someone else who she wants/lusts after and if she will be ok with this.  The answer is probably.  This is what happened when we met our ex's, right?  We met and wanted/lusted for each other and it was great until it sucked.  This really is the pattern of a disordered mind and one hallmark of the illness because all their relationships eventually hit the wall.

I know it's hard to imagine your ex with someone else; it is hard for all of us.  However, it may be a good question to ask yourself if ruminating about this is healthy for you?  I know it wasn't healthy for me.  I can't control what my ex does or who he is with.  He has a right to live his life however he wants to and with whomever he wishes.  More importantly, I have a right to not care anymore about what he does or who he's with.  This way I can focus on what I'm doing to heal.

I also know it's hard to shift our focus away from them and onto us; we're so used to everything being all about them.  Keep posting and hang in there.

tailspin

[Wimowe]

In my experience, the closer you are, the more they care for you, the more you trigger the disorder. This is seen by the relationships they can maintain - work, acquaintance, etc - as these are superficial on most levels. But a partner? Someone they are the most intimate with? We trigger their symptoms the most.

y

This was my experience with my uBPDxgf.  She was angry at me for loving her (and showing up for her), but what really enraged her was that she in love with me. Complete inversion of a healthy response to being loved.  It took me awhile to get my brain around this and the notion that, for her, I was the problem.  That's when I accepted that I was powerless to make the rs work.  Heartbreaking.