lonely child= me

[gina louise]

I have read most of 2010's posts about the lonely child/abandoned child dynamic and how it plays out.

I know I am, and was in my FOO, the lonely invisible child. I got noticed for what I achieved, not who I was. that's just the way it happened. So I adapted. I stayed quiet and well behaved, I over achieved in school to get my "strokes", such as they were.

I got ignored a lot, and told to stay out of the way, go read a book... .  so I usually did. I was pretty invisible, and I felt it.

I had no trouble making and keeping  friends-but couldn't bring them home.(even as a kid I knew that-our FOO was just too dysfunctional... .  though we presented a normal suburban appearance)

Fast forward-

As I married, had kids and later entered the work world I still had no trouble making and keeping friends. I'm personable, outgoing and do my share to keep the friendships "alive". I kept a lot of them as work buddies. My HUSBAND at the time ONLY socialized with HIS FOO and friends.(how was it that I married two with NPD?)

Now- after being forcefully rejected/ejected from a 4 year r/s with my H... .  I am (again) struggling with being alone and feeling lonely. I KNOW in my gut it's my childhood demons. I don't miss the abusive r/s, and the bullying NPD husband.

But I hate feeling alone-again.  Perhaps the only way through this is to FEEL it... but it sucks.

Last night I asked my son if I could come over and NOT be alone. He and his wife were out for their 5 year Anniversary.(at least I raised my boys right! He's a great HUSBAND and a wonderful Daddy)

I felt more ALONE all over again... .  knowing that I will not have those celebrations with my husband,  now.

I realized I felt mistakenly that I missed my HUSBAND simply to have someone PRESENT with me. He wasn't a kind loving man, much of the time unless I was focused like a laser on Him him him. It was not a good r/s for me. But it FELT familiar and in that lies the Comfort-for me. His focus on himself and his needs copied my FOO, very well. I stuck around bc it felt like HOME.

That bumped around in my head a little last night before I fell asleep.

I realized that I mistakenly felt I was missing HIM, I was not. I was simply relating back... .  WAAAAAAY back to my FOO and those Alone/Lonely feelings bubbled to the surface.

The feeling that Everyone else Has Someone... .  and I am destined to be painfully Alone. (true or not... .  I felt it)

What to do with this alone/lonely feeling? Just FEEL it?

how do people heal or combat this FOO leftover pain?

thanks,

GL

[Seb]

Hi Gina Louise  

I am feeling very similar to you right now... quite lonely. It doesn't help that I've moved to a new part of the country far away from my friends and family (all because of my exBPD, who lives less than a mile away). I have made some great friends here, but I am so busy in work that I regularly get home at 7 and have to work for the rest of the night. It's been pretty isolating. Today, for instance, I've been working, and haven't seen anyone. It sucks and I had a little tear about it.

I saw my T last week and mentioned loneliness was the major factor for me down here... .  and he told me to picture the 3 year old me... .  and how I treat "me". I'm loving and kind to everyone, but me. I'm so cruel and unkind and critical to "me". So, I'm trying to be there for me. When I feel lonely I picture trying to care for the lonely 3 year old, rather than kick her when she's down. How would I treat anyone else who told me there were lonely?

Hang on in there, hugs to you  

[HowPredictable]

Hi Gina Louise,

I have also been struggling in a similar fashion.   I have identified my own "lonely child" nature and precisely what drew me into the relationship with the exBPD.  I have cut back on my exposure to my FOO, since I realize that my parents and siblings all have strong NPD tendencies.   I have also pruned my roster of friends, because I realize that I was playing the "lonely child" part with them too, meaning a parentified role and one that consists mainly of Fixer for their issues and problems.

So, at this stage I'm left primarily with myself.  I'm not really sad about it, it does get a bit lonely but I try to view it as an opportunity to figure out who I REALLY am, what I really like to spend my time doing, and what sorts of people and romantic relationships I want to get involved with.   I have lived my life with so much "noise" in it (meaning the noise of other people's problems, expectations, crises), and so I'm really trying to enjoy the quiet.  

I am actively choosing people who are not dysfunctional.  I'm strenuously avoiding getting entangled PD people that feel familiar to me because of my FOO issues.   (I recently ended a new potential romantic connection with someone who felt familiar and safe, but who it turned out was probably NPD as well.  I cut him off entirely).  I think it's a really good opportunity to make active choices, rather than to play the same tired role I've been inhabiting my entire life.

I know Maria1 wrote about something similar in another post -- I think it's a common stage of growth in the post-relationship phase of dealing with someone with these disorders.  At least for me, it's really the first time in my life that I have realized the true nature of my connections and choices, the true origin of my FOO issues, and now I'm left to sort through the rubble and find the gems.  They're in there, and my vision is the clearest it's ever been.  But to do that work I have to be truly by myself for a while, devoid of the impositions and expectations that others have on me.   I'm trying to seize the opportunity.   Maybe you can see the up-side to this in your own life, as well?

Hang in there.  

[cookiecrumbled]

Gina Louise -

I am in the Boat of Loneliness with you.  Pass the popcorn, please.  I live far away from my highly criticial FOO - where insults fly regularly and the person who is not in the room is eaten alive by the others.  Like you, I do not enjoy being alone as I am my own worst critic.  So I've been going over to my ex-husband's house (who is normal, my pwBPD was my "second chance" at love) when he has our children so that I do not have to be alone with my thoughts.

I do have a therapist whom I see weekly... .  but what is there to talk about anymore?  Yes, I am still crying.  Yes, I am crying because I miss him and want him to come back to me.  No, he won't talk to me.  Next week, repeat.

I know, this isn't helping you, but I wanted you to know that I am right there with you - tearing up as I put gas in the car, or wait in a drive-thru, or grocery shop.

Cookie   

[gina louise]

thank you so much-all of you.

Just knowing I am not alone makes me feel... Less Alone!

I too have cut back unhealthy interactions with FOO and friends that I feel are using my kindness and abusing my ability to empathize and listen.

Maintaining those boundaries helps some. No, actually helps a lot. 

I am busy with schoolwork-which is good and makes me feel smart and capable (as usual).

I am just missing having a special someone all through the Thanksgiving/Christmas/NYE/Valentine's day schedule. I raised 4 kids and they all have busy lives as adults. I was never really alone all those years- not this much. It's soo quiet!

I too can hang with first husband and his new wife and child-and my 4 kids-sometimes we all eat together and I think it's cool and sweet that the world really is big enough for All of us to peacefully coexist. Recent divorce is courtesy of H2. H2 hated hanging with MY kids and family. H2 was my totally dysfunctional end game r/s. 

It's part "normal" adjustment and part the pain of recent rejection and lack of closure re-opening old FOO wounds.

It's just awkward to feel blue while at a shopping mall... .  knowing I can't  really shop just yet-gotta pinch my pennies right now.

But underlying the feeling that I cannot spend money(yet) is the feeling that I SHOULDN'T. Not on myself.

Weird, right?

Feeling that I didn't/maybe don't "deserve" those fancy things anyways-after all my 2 husbands never thought me worthy!

My family bought me the essentials... but beyond that I was not a priority.

I realize that's a deeply embedded FOO issue... .  right there. Feeling deserving.

So my antidote, for now-is to use good nurturing self care. I can afford to cut and color my hair. I'm paying tuition for a new career path... .  I live close enough to my kids to do things with them. I am buying and eating meals I want, foods I like.

I tell myself that I AM deserving, that my needs matter, that my desires are a priority. That I count.

That my FOO doesn't define me and my worth anymore-and neither will my HUSBAND or any partner.

But sometimes it sounds hollow and small... .  I have trouble convincing myself.

I have some short term goals like the hair-and longer term like the Paralegal certification I am pursuing, and someday a newer car. What else can I do?

What are you all doing? Books? Movies? stbxBPDhercise?


GL

[HowPredictable]

What are you all doing? Books? Movies? Exercise?

All of the above.  I exercise a great deal.  I also read a lot -- both fiction, and non-fiction, on my own and in a book club.  I also listen to audio books while driving in my car, as often as possible.  I have reconnected with healthy-minded friends, and have made lots of new ones through groups like Meetup.com.  I have also taken the opportunity to assemble a list of movies I've been meaning to see, and am working my way through them.  And I try to pamper myself with cheap-but-cheerful treats like a long hot bath, a home pedicure, or a leisurely home-cooked meal with a nice glass of wine.

I think the key, Gina Louise, is stretching yourself in new directions -- whatever those may be for you.  It sounds like you are on the right path!   

[cookiecrumbled]

I am swamped with work and three sons but at night when the house is quiet, I catch myself staring into space without the tv on and my throat gets choked and the tears start to fall.  I joined blockbuster by mail and so every few days a new movie is on its way to me.  TV has been hard bc everything reminds me of him.

[gina louise]

thanks All   

I am trying to redefine my Self in healthy ways, that affirm who I Am. It's not easy on a budget!

Beyond those personal goals... is there anyway to assert my needs over feeling sorry/sad that I have no r/s, no husband,  no companion?

I have never felt this Unloved and Alone. Especially as an adult (mom, wife, employee, parent) who always prided herself on being in control, fairly independent and less than needy.

Although I know WHY-intellectually-it still HURTS like a mofo to draggle through it.

(draggle= struggle + drag   )

I don't like it one bit and want to rush right through this bad patch. It's the quiet time that's the worst here too.

When I study I catch myself reading the same sentence over and over-off in the ozone. Not good.

I know time is really a great healer-but I want a healthy Healing. Not just a bunch of scar tissue.

this time, I want to make sure I address the FOO issues and not repeat them. I guess self awareness is the key... .  

GL

[cookiecrumbled]

Draggle is my new favorite word.   

I cannot even stand to look at couples in magazines.  The other day I witnessed a couple kiss each other.  I didn't see it coming so I didn't look away fast enough.  It was awful.

Afraid I will end up a lonely old woman with a bunch of cats.  .

Seriously.

[trouble11]

GL and OTC ... .  I'm right there with ya in sadly,  EVERY WAY.  Well ... .  except for the bunch if cats.  I have two now and even that number sometimes creeps me out.  LOL   I'm glad you guys are here.  I feel like I'm in really good company.  Thank you both.   

[AnotherPhoenix]

  Hello all you lonely children!

I'm another one, but I'm feeling less alone these days. Not because I've found somebody else, but because I'm learning to be better company for myself. And... .  I'm learning to allow myself to be myself more. To feel both the good and the bad feelings. One big thing I'm doing, is to be compassionate with myself, and even though I still make mistakes, be very gentle with myself when giving myself feedback. I just realized this... .  essentially, I'm being very nurturing myself. I'm pushing myself to grow, but I'm being very kind, gentle, and compassionate when changing my behaviors. I've even learned to love the behaviors that I want to change. I frequently talk to my inner critic to be loving to me and to while doing so. I'm also forcing myself to stay with my life and my feelings and not try to escape them. The bad stuff and feelings that happens to me is part of my life. These things happen in between the good things and the good feelings. In the past, when I avoided the things like pain and bad feelings like frustration, hate, etc., I also missed the good things and feelings that happened in-between them or because of them.

I've recently stopped mentally saying I "should" do something, even in the context of "I should do this because it would get me something I want". I'm replacing that with "I want to do something because ... .  ". I've also had conversations with my inner child, my inner critic, and my outer "protector" child, to tone things down so we can change ourself (nope, not a type) into something we want to be. For me, the biggest thing was to get my protector child to stop trying to protect me by predicting doom and gloom, or getting triggered so often, or trying to get me to procrastinate or feel so tired in the mornings that I didn't want to get out of bed. Another one thing I did was to be very observant for every positive thing that happened to me, ether through my own successes or luck, and repeatedly relive those experiences.

Every time I noticed that I was getting triggered, or getting anxious, or something came up that might be difficult to deal with, I repeated in my mind: "I can easily handle it". For me, the easily part was important. I think it gave me a lot of self-confidence and reduced the anxiety I felt. This little saying did almost as much to help me through this month (extremely difficult!). By the end of the month, it was much easier for me to get through the day.

Last night, I started to get so giddy that I was starting to giggle, when I caught my self stopping the feeling. I allowed the feeling, and actually giggled a little (imagine a 53 year-old man giggling like a kid ).

I don't feel nearly as alone as I did before doing these things this month. I think some of the reasons why are because I've reduced the anxiety and improved my self-confidence. Having someone else around gave me somebody who would be around if I couldn't handle something or needed help. So, I think some of my loneliness was really anxiety in disguise about whether or not I was able to cope.

I'm am also thinking of "me" and myself a lot more, instead of being so much focused on "others". I think that reduces my inner feeling of loneliness.

At the same time, I am starting to want to talk to others more, more because of the joy and fun of it and less because of a need.

I went into the details because of my wanting to tell others of my progress, but also to give some readers some ideas about how to take care of and nurture our mental selves. In addition, I suspect that sometimes our "loneliness" is wanting somebody to help us feel better about ourselves and solve our problems instead of doing it ourselves.

I've read in "The Road Less Travelled" by Peck, that for some people, it is only when they are deprived of anything else to rely upon or cling to, that they learn to rely upon and love themselves.

Best,

AnotherPheonix   

[gina louise]

thanks AP and everyone,

I feel you too AP.   

I know it sounds gloomy... .  all this lead up info of what's happened and where we've been-YET at the same time I can feel myself BEING more myself than I have in AGES-months... years even. and it feels good.

I feel like the real me, the authentic me. The one that got stifled, let down and set aside all those years ago. I can weep a little, feel the pain and frustration of my needs not met- hug a little, giggle a bit, feel sad, mad, hurt at what's happened recently-but hopeful too, at what I have planned ahead for.

In my past I was so controlled and stifled-so tamped down that I never FELT much of anything except physical-pain, illness or exhaustion. I damped the emotional stuff down. Hard. I was a wife, a mother. I didn't have the luxury of letting loose my emotions-things had to get done! I was a calm, stable, practical person... .  people like me don't "need" anything right? we are the Givers not the Takers!

So no deep emotional lows... .  but not many joyful highs either. Just a dull hum of daily activity.

I got used to it. That was my dull normal.

When I met my H2 my controlled mask slipped and fell off. I really DO appreciate the way he was able to help wake me up-emotionally. Everything about him was more intense-his highs and lows, his needs, his childhood. He was like a lightening rod for ME. I got zapped by the intensity just BEING there with him. I am actually grateful for that.

I just find myself slipping some when FOO distress rises, or I feel money woes, or I realize I AM all alone here- the dog's not gonna help with the bills the same way my HUSBAND used to! It's hard, but in some ways it's also very freeing.

my divorce will be final in a few months-and then I can breathe more easily. No more threats or empty promises or crooked "deals".

I felt yanked around in the divorce process-but I stood my ground too.

I sleep well, I am eating better, exercising again.

Some days being alone is both the Best and the Worst parts of where I am now... .  

Sometimes my worries feel magnified bc I am not sharing my daily burden with a partner-money, trouble, chores or errands.

I have lived alone before but years ago. So it takes some getting used to again. But I like it.

I am just impatient. I want it all better, faster!



The adjustments are difficult and real-but so are the rewards. I am growing happier than I have been in a long, long time. But it came at a steep price. I have almost reached the 3 months out point. it's been very LC... .  almost NC.

I think I will be better than I was before. and that's saying a LOT.

GL

[charred]

Sure there are a lot of us lonely children here... .  its been three years since I split with my wife, and about 8 mos since broke up with pwBPD... .  and sleeping alone (after 22 yrs with wife)... hasn't gotten any easier. I have gone out 6 times in 6 mos, and have yet to kiss a new woman. I feel like I am getting over my pwBPD... and getting my head straight for first time ever.

Mindfulness exercises... which at first I took as BS... .  have dropped my stress level to a new low, and I have been finding my feelings... sometimes at odd times. Watched an advertisement for a children's hospital with cancer ridden kids... and was torn up by it. I had a great job opportunity... with a company I detest... and made it through all the hard interviews... then argued with the exec for the final interview and didn't get an offer. I had no one to blame but myself... but I think I lost it because I could no longer stomach working for a company like the one I interviewed with... .  and in the past I would have taken it for the $$.

Have always been the lonely child, my folks moved every 3-4 yrs growing up and I would lose all my friends and start over. My exBPDgf did me a favor this weekend, she wanted to chat and I had been NC, then missed her and went LC, but refused to actually see her. She wigged when I was online and didn't answer her immediately, then said I was a liar and obviously used the chat to talk to other people... and she was blocking me, then later she insisted I chat with her. I did, and she wanted an apology... I asked why I should apologize for her calling me a liar and childishly blocking me? She said I had been lucid briefly, but had a problem, and we were done. So... she showed me once again her true colors. And this time it didn't tear me apart, it simply confirmed my beliefs that she was BPD, and I need to move on. My exwife talked to me, and asked if I had been in contact with her... I told her what happened and she told me that its been three years since we were together, she is not sure we should be back together, and she could handle being my friend if I were with someone else, anyone else that was nice... but that something wasn't right with my pwBPD... and she had been first to say it, and was glad I am finally seeing it.

So, I am alone again tonight, still a lonely child (off contract... which means no income)... but I have hope, something I haven't had for a long time.

[bb12]

I realized that I mistakenly felt I was missing HIM, I was not. I was simply relating back... .  WAAAAAAY back to my FOO and those Alone/Lonely feelings bubbled to the surface.

The feeling that Everyone else Has Someone... .  and I am destined to be painfully Alone. (true or not... .  I felt it)

Fantasic observation Gina Louise!

I am the same... .  and can mistake my ruminations with MISSING.

Even this site at times can be a trigger for ruminating... .  as we document our progress we are forced to think of the ex. But we should remind ourselves that his is NOT missing

My own schematic make-up is equal parts isolation and unrelenting standards: I feel alone and separate from the world. Lonely. But at the same time, not many people float my boat.

One a real level I would prefer to be alone than in an unsatisfying r/ship. But some days the loneliness cranks up a notch and I'd settle for just about anyone to stave it off for a while.

Sadly, I think you answered your own question: that allowing ourselves to FEEL is all we can do. The rest is in the lap of the Gods.

You can't hurry love, as the song goes. But gee, I feel ready for a solid, grown-up, mature, reciprocated, low drama lover right about now

You're doing well!

All the reading says that our new vibration will attract only similar people from here on in. Just trust that

x

BB12

[gina louise]

 "Hi!"

If I want to reconnect with stbxBPDh, I can. I know he's struggling too, but he's the Joiner and I'm the Loner and that was one main problem between us. I preferred small groups of close friends while he preferred a much larger audience. His groups are part of what he feels defines him as much as my solitude does me! And that's OK.

I feel more and more detached from his behaviors, and even from the pain and trauma he caused me. I can feel angry at what happened-it was shattering- while knowing that in his flawed perception he was "right" for Him. (at the time) I don't blame him and I choose not to be his Victim.

I can take steps to ensure that it doesn't happen again. I can also forgive him. But never forget.

I can also take the time to sift and sort through what's recent, what's just below the surface, and what's buried in the FOO sludge at the very bottom. Sometimes a recent feeling- like me thinking I was missing Him was really a clever disguise for WHAT"S MISSING IN ME.

I do miss feeling the family connections. So I have been spending more time with my kids lately. Even just running errands that I would normally do alone-if they invite me to go. I go. And it helps. It keeps me less isolated.

I am feeling like I need to weed out toxic "friends". So I keep phone contact short-or even don't answer if they call. It's my choice to give my time and energy to them.

It feels good to try to determine my very real Needs and Wants and cater to them when I can.

When I stick with digging through my pain, sadness, mourning and uneasiness, sometimes I get a nugget of pure personal truth.

and I can hang onto that. It's mine-in a good way.

GL

[myself]

How far back does this stuff go? Childhood? The crib? First impressions being born? Because our mothers were worried or whatever while pregnant? From their own FOO issues, too? Previous generations, all the way back to the beginning? I've been peeling at this FOOnion for a long long time, and it seems to just keep going. How much will we be passing along? Hopefully less.

[charred]

How far back does this stuff go? Childhood? The crib? First impressions being born? Because our mothers were worried or whatever while pregnant? From their own FOO issues, too? Previous generations, all the way back to the beginning? I've been peeling at this FOOnion for a long long time, and it seems to just keep going. How much will we be passing along? Hopefully less.

I have wondered same thing... at first I thought issues were from time I was with my exBPDgf while in college, then I realized I had my own issues while in school... going back to grade school, and it keeps getting further back. Reading on attachment theory and talking to people around back then... .  seems to go back to birth just about. My mom lost her mother when she was 5, and her father went to WW2 not much later... that seems to be a big part of her distant/cold issues... and my malignant NPD dad, spoiled as kid, father went to WW2... and I suspect their grandparents were off way back.

Kind of makes you wonder about things that never occured to me. Always saw cave men and people in middle ages as simpletons with mainly issue of surviving, but now I start wondering about how far back all these trauma issues went... .  were there BPD folks in ancient Egypt? NPD during Ice age? Just seems to have its roots way back. And seems to imply that while we can lessen the fallout and how we deal with our issues a bit, truly fixing these things (like chronic low level anxiety)... may not be possible.

[HowPredictable]

Kind of makes you wonder about things that never occured to me. Always saw cave men and people in middle ages as simpletons with mainly issue of surviving, but now I start wondering about how far back all these trauma issues went... .  were there BPD folks in ancient Egypt? NPD during Ice age? Just seems to have its roots way back. 

This has occurred to me, too.   I suspect it's something that historically humans have always had; we just haven't identified it until recently.   I draw parallels between this, and the advent of vision-correcting eyeglasses:   People back in ancient Egypt must have been nearsighted too... .  it was only when science developed to the point of being able to diagnose and correct it, that we realized that the human body has those kinds of flaws.  In medicine too:  For thousands of years I think some people just died earlier than others; now we know that it's due to cancer or other diseases, some curable, some not.

So the same probably goes for psychology: I suspect BPD and the associated behaviors have been around since the dawn of man, but we are only recently able to put a name on it and identify the patterns.

[HowPredictable]

How far back does this stuff go? Childhood? The crib? First impressions being born? Because our mothers were worried or whatever while pregnant?

The literature I've read suggests that BPD is caused by a development arrest at a particular stage in a child's development, when the concept of object permanency and attachment are just being established in healthy kids.  That takes place roughly between age 18 months to 3 years.  

[GreenMango]

Gina I wonder if it's getting to the point of enjoying the times when you are alone and being able to fulfill yourself in many ways.  Maybe then when we reach out for others its in a interdependent and healthy way, not so much based on unrealistic needs that others really can't fill.

It's out of joy and not only need.  Just my two cents.

[gina louise]

green mango,

I am very close to the 3 month mark right now and LC-we are divorcing so we have contact over dental bills and Insurances. it's civil and polite but he has text raged on me. (sad) I heard he's going to see a "shrink". a mutual friend told me. He may never admit to it, but it was one of MY staying terms -that HE seek therapy for his rages and abusive behavior.

That kind of makes me wonder what he's doing. Will he try to use this therapy as an advantage to show me he's "trying"?

Right now, I am really moving forwards with my life. going to school and doing well-got an A on my first month's exams. I am seeing family and getting support. I am having a life that I am choosing and feeling good about it. I haven't felt a twinge of loss or longing in a few days now-and no crying either. My mood's better all around. I sleep well, eat better and feel fine. I feel like I am capable of filling most of my own needs. And I even have started to be assertive in my dreams! LOL so a lot is changing.

I am alone a lot and less lonely now... .  maybe three months out really is a turning point?

GL

[trouble11]

I even have started to be assertive in my dreams! LOL so a lot is changing.

I am alone a lot and less lonely now... .  maybe three months out really is a turning point?

GL

I loved this because I had a recycle dream last night were I "just said NO".  It was great! 

[waitaminute]

How far back does it go?

I lean towards the Jungian explanation of anima and animus to explain the almost supernatural attraction these BPD people have in us. In reading about the inner image of "woman" inside a man, Jung and those who wrote with his view tell of ancient stories, myths, religions, and beliefs about the simultaneous spiritual attraction and yet destruction that a dark subconscious anima can create. There is an illusion that the people we project our anima onto hold some secret to our future satisfaction for our body, mind, heart, and soul.

Now add to this the likelihood that childhood abuse and trauma must have been more prevalent in the lawless, ethically void, and brutal life that early man experienced. It suggests to me that people with personal histories similar to our BPD ex's, and thus -if the psychologists are right - people with BPD mental illness must have been at least as prevalent as today.

Put the two together and you get the likelyhood that our experiences were common in ancient days.

Goes way back.