Been trying hard, but feeling so lost now...

[AntePavelic]

I have been reading and following many of the articles and stories on here for a while, but never posted myself until now. I have tried to work on things and deal, but after this weekend I am lost... .  

I will keep this background as short as I can... .  Started dating girl about a year ago now. Things were very intense right from the beginning and I should have been more aware then, but I was enjoying the relationship. The problem right from the beginning, (and not realizing her condition back then) was that I have come to believe that my personality, if left to my natural course, is in direct conflict with a BPD mind set. At the beginning of any relationship I have been in, I am very relaxed and take things casually. I enjoy spending time, but its not a top priority for me. Also I have always been very friendly and outgoing in general and have many female friends that I enjoy hanging out with in groups and keeping in touch. We both live in a very social city setting. However I never cross the line of inappropriate if I am dating someone, at least I thought so.

As the first few months went by things kept on going well until she finally snapped one drunk night with jealousy after seeing I was txting a female friend. I have never experienced anything like the pure insanity of it. Physical attacking, screaming the most vile insults... .  just horrible. I didnt fight back physically... .  so I took a beating. The next day... still in shock... .  she cries and apologies and begs for forgiveness. So for some reason I give in. However just a few days later the whole thing had become my fault in her mind because of my txting with females and she demands I stop all contact immediately. This is where I should have walked away... .  but I didnt. The next incident came over a conversation we were having about sexual past. I made a joking comment about something sexual... .  and she exploded into pure insanity... broke my phone, beat me and just went insane and foul. A few months later, a conversation about family and future... .  and she snaps about my daughter (I have a daughter from a previous non married relationship)... .  calls her ugly and stupid and hates her... .  then beats me for it saying that I cannot have a normal life because of my "mistake" Demands that I tell her that she will always be a priority over my daughter. Just insane sick ~. I dont know why I stayed, but her apologies and crying remorse after each time... .  weakened my heart. A very bad incident was my fault... .  she caught me lying about txting female friends... .  and yes I admit that I lied and I felt horrible about doing it... .  and I felt that she forced me into lying out of fear of her. Lets just say that was a horrible destructive night.

Well I come to find out that she was arrested once before for attacking a boyfriend, but she claims that was the only time she ever had an incident and that it was all my doing bringing this out of her. Delving and demanding to know about her history, I find out that at about 11 years old she was molested by a family friend... .  to what extent I do not know as she never will reveal details and she "blocks" it out. I then further find out during her teenage years she was a straight... .  whore... .  no other way to put it. Sleeping with uncountable numbers of older men and other kids... .  group sex, drugs, drinking. Then sometime in college she had a mental breakdown of guilt and spent a summer in a suicide depression. It seems that she then got better by blocking all of it out of her mind... .  and since college has only had several serious long term relationships... .  which appareently she was not that into, but the guys worshiped her. (this leads me to believe that my somehow my non worshiping attitude drove her insane). I know this is a jumbled recap, I am just trying not to drag on and on.

Over the last 6 months in between incidents... .  EVERY single day at somepoint whether through text or verbal... she will nastily attack about something from the past whether the me lying to her... .  or something sexual I did long before I knew her. It only last a few minutes but its cruel and always there. It has driven me to spend less time with her... and that enrages her more... demanding we spend almost all the time together... .  but yet I am honestly scared, and I tell her that. Her answer (once the guilt wears off and she blocks what she does to me out) is"get over it"

So this past saturday we were hanging out having a nice afternoon at her place... .  when she causally asks me a sexual past question and without thinking I answer it honestly, because it has nothing to do with her or our time together. She goes insane flips out and I leave. The next 8 hours she txts and calls me cruelly harassing me. Finally at 11pm she bangs at my apartment door, so I let her in. The next 3 hours she viciously physically punchs me, gouges me eyes... .  repeatedly spits on my face, pisses on my floor, rips the closet doors off... .  takes the shelves out of my closet and breaks them... .  rips posters off my wall... .  breaks my bed and then continue to beat and scream the most vile things. I begged and begged her to stop... but its like she couldnt hear me. It was a nightmare of pain both physical and emotional. I was trapped and didnt know what to do. Only when I threatened to finally call the police did she run out, and then proceeded to txt me "how dare I threaten her like that, and I am trash for even doing that." A total nightmare.

The next day (yesterday) total crying over the phone and txt how horrible she is and its because she was such a slut and has issues (similar comments from the past) and that I am her world. I tell her I cant do this anymore and she accuses me of just leaving her and abandoning her would be like death for her. She went on and on for hours... then tried to to entice me to come see her by offering stupid sexual things.

Just to much to type even though there is more... .  I am sure you get the jist. I dont know what to do because I care, but I have become depressed and have anxiety. I never had these issues before in my life. I care a lot about her and have explained to her about BPD for over a month and she even got some books that she read. Obviously nothing helped... .  I dont know what to do... .  I just want peace... .  

So sorry for the jumbled mess of a story... .  =(

[Newton]

Hi AntePavelic... .  

I am so sorry you have had to experience such appaling abuse... .  and that is exactly what this behaviour is... .  abuvise.

Your story of the progression of your relationship will resonate with a lot of members here... .  the violent outburts... .  followed by grovelling apologies... .  followed by more attacks  

I am very concerned for your safety... .  I am not trying to upset you further as you sound very low right now.  It's important you appreciate the next few sentences... .  

I have spent a few years on this website and contributed as a welcoming ambassador... .  that means I have read a LOT of intro's from newbies.  Your situation sounds as extreme as they come... .  you are experiencing systematic, prolonged domestic violence and it needs to stop... .  immediatedly.  

Regardless of how you decide your relationship should continue, right now you are in immediate danger of being seriously physically hurt... .  experiencing an emotional crisis... .  or even worse being arrested and charged YOURSELF with a false allegation whilst trying to defend yourself.

Mental illness or not, there is NO excuse for you to be experiencing this tortuous behaviour... .  we can provide you with details for local DV advice if that is something you feel you need... .  

If you have read the lessons on boundaries then they will be useful for the future.  Right now, my priority (and hopefully yours) is keeping yousafe.


How have things been left?... .  When do you plan to see her again?


Kind regards, Newton.

[almost789]

Omg, seriously i only have one recommendation here, this is EXTREME I would go NC immediately.

[thicker skin]

I wrote a reply, then deleted it, feeling that perhaps I was being too harsh.

I see in that time that Newton and SummerT321 commented... .  So I'm backing them up.

Do a Forest Gump and run, dude.

NOBODY DESERVES WHAT YOU'RE EXISTING THROUGH.

you are in danger. You are in danger. You are in danger.

[Newton]

Just to clarify... .  I am not suggesting to "run"... .  in a situation like this that behaviour can escalate things very badly, very quickly!

AntePavelic... .  I've been on the receiving end of some pretty brutal physical attacks from ex girlfriends I believed to have BPD... .  and even though I am very skilled fighter... .  I didn't fight back.

People here understand what you are going through... .  

I hope you find the time and strength to keep in touch with us here... .  

[AntePavelic]

Thank you all for taking time to read the mess of a story I tried to convey. It was left last night with her crying on the phone begging saying she would do anything. Most of the things now, and in the past she claims she doesn't remember doing. Every time before this, after a few days, she blocks out what she did and tells me to get over it... .  That hurts a lot.

When she is in these mad rages she does threaten to hurt me to extreme levels (more then the bruises and scratches she leaves now). When I tell her that... Like yesterday... .  She gets defensive saying its cruel for me to believe that she would actually do that... .  

When I told her I can't do this anymore she made me feel so horrible and guilty, and it made me feel so sad. That abandoning her would make me an evil person. I am so lost and this roller coaster is killing me... .  

[lbjnltx]

Hello AntePavlic,

We are really glad that you are reaching out for support. 

We are also concerned about your physical and emotional well being.  Experiencing physical and emotional abuse can cause us to be depressed and confused about what to do and where to turn for help. 

Newton gave you some advice that I would like to follow up on with you.  We encourage all of our members who find themselves in situations where physical abuse can occur  to develop a safety plan.

Here is some information to get you started.

Safety First


Let us know if you have any questions about developing your safety plan, we are here to help.

lbjnltx

[Newton]

My friend... .  I am so glad you have been reading here before your first post.  Hopefully that will allow you to understand how similar your experience is to many members here... .  It's fantastic you have mustered the courage to look to this place for support.

There are many lessons and workshops here that can assist with any potential relationship you decide to have with her.

Right now we need to prevent you experiencing any more physical abuse... .  thats a priority.

Have you arranged to see her again?... .  does she have keys to your where you live?

[almost789]

Thank you all for taking time to read the mess of a story I tried to convey. It was left last night with her crying on the phone begging saying she would do anything. Most of the things now, and in the past she claims she doesn't remember doing. Every time before this, after a few days, she blocks out what she did and tells me to get over it... .  That hurts a lot.

When she is in these mad rages she does threaten to hurt me to extreme levels (more then the bruises and scratches she leaves now). When I tell her that... Like yesterday... .  She gets defensive saying its cruel for me to believe that she would actually do that... .  

When I told her I can't do this anymore she made me feel so horrible and guilty, and it made me feel so sad. That abandoning her would make me an evil person. I am so lost and this roller coaster is killing me... .  

She doesn't live with you right?

It doesn't matter if she doesn't remember what she did or if she says she's sorry or whatever. Those comments alone about your daughter are going to damage your daughter! and you, regardless of whether or not she meant it, remembers it, or is apologetic. You are NOT abandoning her, you are protecting YOU and your daughter. To continue with this abuser would be abandoning your daughter.

[thicker skin]

I'm sorry Newton   You're absolutely right... .  To run may very well be dangerous and I unreservedly apologise.

Your story, AnteP, is a shocking read. Please take the good advice given here, speak to the domestic violence team and put you and your child's welfare ahead of your girlfriends.

You aren't mean. You aren't selfish. You aren't a bad person.

Stay safe 

[Newton]

thicker skin ... .  no need to apologise... .  

Domestic violence situations can often be very triggering for members here and our primary motivation is to protect people when they arrive here literally battered and bruised.

Even senior and staff members struggle sometimes to say and do the right thing... .  we are all here to support each other in the best way we know how... .  your intentions are from a good place 

[turtle]

Hello Ante

Like so many others here, the description of your situation is exactly what my life was like 12 years ago.

Newton is correct in stating that right now... .  the focus should be to protect yourself. 

That is FIRST and FOREMOST.

These things can escalate very quickly and once they do... .  you have very few options.  It may not seem like it (because we become so desensitized to these things,) but your situation is more than urgent. I hope you contact a DV counselor TODAY!

You will need to deal with the status of this relationship very soon, but for today... .  you have to protect yourself from her.

turtle

[AntePavelic]

Once again thank you all. First I can assure you that for the time being my physical safety is good. We both work and she has no access to where I live so its ok. Also my daughter lives several hours away. It's the emotional damage that is destroying me right now. That and the roller coaster of emotions that I am dealing with is overwhelming.

I use to be the guy that was always cracking jokes, having fun out at the bar on weekends... .  The one people enjoyed being around. Now I am a shell... .  Feel so empty. I guess what I really want are answers on why this has happened... .  

The other real issue in my mind is to leave... .  Would I feel overwhelming guilt of just turning my back on someone who needs help? I truly don't now what to do... .  

[turtle]

The other real issue in my mind is to leave... .  Would I feel overwhelming guilt of just turning my back on someone who needs help? I truly don't now what to do... .  

First... .  I'm glad that your surroundings are safe -- for now.  That's good.

Second, I know you want to help her, but how much guilt will you feel if you turn your back on yourself when YOU need help.  Your gf is responsible for getting the help she needs. And YOU are responsible for getting the help YOU need.

You'll read a lot here about why this happened and as you do, you will see that so many of us have been right where you are.  It's time to take care of YOU, Ante.  Even if, at some point, you were to play a part in "helping" her... .  YOU would have to be mentally and emotionally very strong first!

You need to give yourself the time and permission to heal from the toxicity that you have been in!

Stay close here.  Read. Post. Ask questions.

We are here for YOU!

turtle

[Newton]

The reason that this has happened is that from the behaviour you described it seems your partner is suffering from a very severe mental illness.  One that we are all too familiar with here... .  

She will be able to put on a "show" for the rest of the world... .  and because you are closest to her you will suffer the absolute worst of her negative feelings... .  she is using you as a target for her rage.  This is in no way your fault... .  her wounds happened long before you were on the scene... .  she is taking out her past pain on you.  That is not your responsibilty to accept, as much as you want to help her these issues need to be worked out with a pro trained to deal with it.  We are here for YOU... .  none of us are trained to deal with her issues... .  even though we may have a great deal of knowledge about them.

Leaving or staying isn't a decision you need to make right now... .  that is your choice alone... and there is a path here to making that choice... .  many of us have left, gone back, left again etc... .  Sorry to be blunt but the priority is to prevent having the crap kicked out of yourself again or your belongings damaged!

You WILL find yourself again... .  I appreciate how all consuming this relationship has been... .  breathe and take some time to take stock... .  let's be realistic, she has shown you with her behaviour that she isn't going anywhere soon regardless of what her words suggest!

How have things been left?... .  do you have an arrangement to see her any time soon?... .