Making realistic life choices

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm struggling with knowing how much to expect from myself, how to know what is realistic given my current state of being due to growing up with a BPD mom.

Career-wise, I want to pursue a Ph.D. I am already accepted to a program for the fall. Academically I'm ready/excited/this is where I want my career to go, but I'm having doubts about being ready personally.

One reality is, I struggle with anxiety. I work at a very low stress job right now, and I still struggle. I have anxiety in social situations, etc. It's a million times worse when I'm dealing with situations with my foo. Grad school will add a lot of stress, and I'm not sure if I can handle it.

Another reality is, things with my foo are constantly stressful. My mom is already putting guilt on me for "abandoning" her because I will have less time for her when I'm in grad school. ("Congrats" card included a poem about how her life is so useless and she wants to die... .  ). I know that it's her, not me. I should not have to be guilty for becoming an adult and moving forward in a successful career. I wish her guilting didn't affect me, but the reality is that it does. I'm not saying it will forever, but currently it does. Interactions with my mom greatly affect my self-esteem and can completely sap my energy/hope for the future.  Also, as my parents age in their 60s, I can only see things getting more complicated... .  

SO - I have this picture of who I want to be, and I'm becoming more of that person. I've actually been "waiting" three years to finally go to grad school. And I've grown a ton in those years. I just don't know how to know if I'm "really" ready to take such a big step.

On one hand, I can't wait until I'm "perfect" or I'll wait forever. On the other, I don't want to be too optimistic just because I know it's the right thing from a career staNPDoint, doesn't mean it's absolutely the right thing.

[Claire]

I'm struggling with knowing how much to expect from myself, how to know what is realistic given my current state of being due to growing up with a BPD mom.

Career-wise, I want to pursue a Ph.D. I am already accepted to a program for the fall. Academically I'm ready/excited/this is where I want my career to go, but I'm having doubts about being ready personally.

One reality is, I struggle with anxiety. I work at a very low stress job right now, and I still struggle. I have anxiety in social situations, etc. It's a million times worse when I'm dealing with situations with my foo. Grad school will add a lot of stress, and I'm not sure if I can handle it.

Another reality is, things with my foo are constantly stressful. My mom is already putting guilt on me for "abandoning" her because I will have less time for her when I'm in grad school. ("Congrats" card included a poem about how her life is so useless and she wants to die... .  ). I know that it's her, not me. I should not have to be guilty for becoming an adult and moving forward in a successful career. I wish her guilting didn't affect me, but the reality is that it does. I'm not saying it will forever, but currently it does. Interactions with my mom greatly affect my self-esteem and can completely sap my energy/hope for the future.  Also, as my parents age in their 60s, I can only see things getting more complicated... .  

SO - I have this picture of who I want to be, and I'm becoming more of that person. I've actually been "waiting" three years to finally go to grad school. And I've grown a ton in those years. I just don't know how to know if I'm "really" ready to take such a big step.

On one hand, I can't wait until I'm "perfect" or I'll wait forever. On the other, I don't want to be too optimistic just because I know it's the right thing from a career staNPDoint, doesn't mean it's absolutely the right thing.

[P.F.Change]

It sounds like this program is something you're excited about and really want to do, and that you are also scared that you will crack under the stress. I totally understand that. Do you have previous experience "cracking?" Or is this just a vague fear of the unknown? In either case, I think planning ahead can go a long way toward relieving anxieties. Can you make a plan now for ways to work fun and r&r into your schedule on a regular basis? What will you do when your mother gets "needy" and you need to be taking care of yourself? What kind of support do you have in place already? Do you have a T you can check in with regularly? What else can you plan ahead for?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Claire]

It sounds like this program is something you're excited about and really want to do, and that you are also scared that you will crack under the stress. I totally understand that. Do you have previous experience "cracking?" Or is this just a vague fear of the unknown? In either case, I think planning ahead can go a long way toward relieving anxieties. Can you make a plan now for ways to work fun and r&r into your schedule on a regular basis? What will you do when your mother gets "needy" and you need to be taking care of yourself? What kind of support do you have in place already? Do you have a T you can check in with regularly? What else can you plan ahead for?

Hi P.F. Change (love the name by the way!)

So it's a bit complicated because I did drop out of grad school before, but not from cracking under the stress. It was a complicated (read: bad) situation with my advisor and he ended up leaving the school. So, no I'm not really afraid of stress in that way, but I do think that it will be more stressful just from having had a bad experience in my past, if that makes sense.  The first time, I knew it was important to choose a good adviser, but I wasn't too stressed about it. This time, choosing an adviser is a ton more stressful because I'm worried about getting into another bad situation.

I totally agree that planning ahead is key. Recently, I was part of a discussion where some faculty members were talking about how many of their grad students have struggled with anxiety and depression, and what kinds of things they could/should do to help a struggling student, especially international students who are far away from their families.  It just struck me that I am definitely setting myself up for failure if I try to do this alone.  I'm a very independent person, and I have to be because i have no family support.

But just because I don't have that from family doesn't mean that I don't need support. My mom's neediness makes me do anything to avoid being needy myself.  I've been trying to identify people in my life and what kinds of needs I can go to them with. I'm running into all kinds of vulnerability/trust issues... .  learning and growing.

You're the second person on this forum recently who's asked me if I'm seeing a T... .  No, I'm not, and for aforementioned trust issues that's hard. Why could I expect someone who doesn't know me (yet) to give me good advice? Why would I tell deep issues I'm struggling with to someone right away? I am very slow in sharing myself with others, and a therapist relationship is just very strange for me. I'm not saying it's not needed. In the next few months leading up to when school starts, I am thinking I may try to meet with a counselor. Then, I can get free counseling through the university to maybe check in with once I'm there.  I realize that a hard thing can be a good thing, so I've got to be willing to try.

Thanks for your thought-provoking reply!

[P.F.Change]

Why could I expect someone who doesn't know me (yet) to give me good advice? Why would I tell deep issues I'm struggling with to someone right away?

I agree it takes time to build trust, especially for those of us who have been abused in the past.  And I can understand your feats about therapy. Nothing says you have to get into the deepest darkest things with someone right off the bat. In fact the first few sessions with a T are usually pretty basic, just establishing a relationship and setting out a plan for how to achieve your therapeutic goals. And you always have a right to say you're not ready to talk about something, to ask questions, to express your misgivings. I think taking advantage of the counseling services at your university is a great idea. You can ask when you make an appointment if there is anyone on staff who has more experience with families of PDs or who specializes in anxiety or trauma recovery if that is important to you.

Good luck... .  I hope you will trust yourself to be able to handle any bumps in the road... .  even if all advisors are lousy (they're not), I bet you can make it anyway.

PF

[yeeter]

Why could I expect someone who doesn't know me (yet) to give me good advice? Why would I tell deep issues I'm struggling with to someone right away?

Fair questions.  In my experience, a good T will have seen ALL KINDS of people/situations, and been exposed to things I cant even imagine.  They are trained at listening, and adapting guidance specific to the situation.  Part of their professional skill set is the ability to quickly gain the trust of the client, because this is when the more meaningful work can begin.

Its a safe and completely confidential environment.  They cant use any of what you share against you - so I would reverse this question and ask: 

Why wouldnt you be able to share what your struggling with right away?

[Claire]

PF Change and yeeter, Thanks for your responses about therapy. Can I ask you a question? I'm just wondering about expectations. My perception of counseling is that people go for a specific problem - to work through a loss or a relationship trouble, or something in the past. 

I am worried that there is too much. Currently I struggle with so many things - anxiety, trouble making decisions, trouble dealing with people, fear of people, etc. But then there's also stuff from the past (which likely has helped caused some of these things), and then there is dealing with my BPD mom, which is a constant, ongoing struggle.  I realize that this is somewhat all interconnected, but for goodness sake how do you even try to summarize what it is you're seeking help for? And how do you find focus and make progress? Do you pick one of those items and focus on it? Obviously everything is intertwined, but is it best to focus on one?

Am I just being a controlling perfectionist in trying to have it all figured out and understand how it's going to work before I take the first step?

And once you share deep things with a person, and they help you, how is it that you one day just stop seeing them? I realize it's not a normal relationship in the sense that they're not your friend. But assuming they help you out a lot, and you're able to be open with them about things that you've not been open about with anyone else, how does that not create a bond that will be heartbreaking (for me, not necessarily for them) when it ends?

Unfortunately, that's too consistent with my past and what I have come to expect from life. Growing up, I had several good friends move away at crucial times, and my BPD mom sabotaged every relationship I had with other adults. Another situation, I must have shared too much or asked too much in the relationship because the woman (who I by this time saw as a mom), pretty drastically removed herself from my life.

So, I guess getting to the core of my fear of therapy is that I would deliberately choose to create a relationship that I know with certainty will have depth, but will end. And it will hurt, and it will all be my own fault. And the pain will outweigh the benefits.

Currently I am struggling with grieving for my mom, and wanting practically everyone I meet to be that mom to me. I just can't even imagine creating that much more emotional pain for myself.

Sorry this post is kind of a downer, but these are my very real struggles right now. I would love to hear from anyone else who has struggled with seeking therapy... .  

[yeeter]

Hi Claire,

You have a lot processing simultaneously.  This in and of itself is something your T can help sort out - which are critical to work on first.  The first couple sessions will just be you talking and sharing whatever you feel like.  Some questions from the T.  But likely it will feel like you just going in and talking and not getting a lot in return.  As you say, it will take a little bit to sort out where to start.

A T once told me - the goal of T is to never see the patient again.  That is, they become independent and and no longer need the time together.  Make sense (and an occupational hazard for them I guess).  But that should be your goal going in as well.  It very likely could take a long time (I spent a few years now in regular T... .  sometimes more frequent sessions, sometimes less)

If you feel better picking two things to start with, I will pick for you:

1)  anxiety

2) the loss of your mom

Take these 2 into the T session and go from there (it really doesnt matter where you start, so if you like something different then pick it instead!)

What do they say?  The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... .  

[Surnia]

Hi Claire

Very interesting topic here, very insightful thread!

Yes, I agree with you, people often are coming to T with a specific problem. But it is often like skinning a onion and you will discover other things than you came for. Sort of surprise onion.

A good T can guide you what is more on top and what is deeper and which makes sense to address first.

About ending a T: I had a agreement with my T that I call her again when I am falling in love again.   

And sure, whenever I feel nessecary... .  So right now no T but she is there for me. This is so precious.

[beinggentle]

I am worried that there is too much. Currently I struggle with so many things - anxiety, trouble making decisions, trouble dealing with people, fear of people, etc. But then there's also stuff from the past (which likely has helped caused some of these things), and then there is dealing with my BPD mom, which is a constant, ongoing struggle.  I realize that this is somewhat all interconnected, but for goodness sake how do you even try to summarize what it is you're seeking help for? And how do you find focus and make progress? Do you pick one of those items and focus on it? Obviously everything is intertwined, but is it best to focus on one?

Am I just being a controlling perfectionist in trying to have it all figured out and understand how it's going to work before I take the first step?

Hugs Claire. No, there isn't too much. Do you find it interesting that although you expect yourself to deal with this, which you fear is too much? But, you're more concerned about your therapist having to deal with it? And no, you're not a controlling perfectionist. I think as children of BPD parent(s) we've been raised to expect ourselves to be ABLE to figure it all out, all alone. And then call ourselves ugly names on top of it like 'controlling perfectionist' because we've grown to expect so much of ourselves.

I agree with the others. I brought a big list to my therapist too, and she basically did the prioritizing for me so it was manageable. I didn't even realize it was happening, it just goes that naturally. Actually, when we began I remember her doing more of the talking; asking lots of questions so it was easy to summarize the big areas that we need help with. I do remember wondering how on earth I'd explain it all too - I was worried about that - but therapists are trained to help you look at a big picture like that and scale things down into manageable chunks. I encourage you whole heartedly to try it. It's made a world of difference in my life. Don't know where I'd be now without my therapist.

Currently I am struggling with grieving for my mom, and wanting practically everyone I meet to be that mom to me. I just can't even imagine creating that much more emotional pain for myself.

I have a sad smile for this. Yes, I can so appreciate where you're coming from. I remember very early on, my therapist finally said to me, "BG, you need a mom!" And then she said, "well that's OK... .  I'll be your mom. I can do that." And to a large extent, she has been. And thank heaven above that she has been!

And no, it's' likely not as painful as your fear. I won't say it was easy. But it was the kind of pain that was - well, good - if that makes any sense. When I'd cry it was like I was crying into the space of someone who cared for me. Who wanted me to heal, and feel comforted. I'd cry and I'd feel comforted. I'd spew problems in outrage and I'd feel heard and like my frustration mattered. Did you know that tears cried out of pain enable your body to release endorphins? Well. It's all hard to describe. All I can say is that it's been the most empowering, healing thing I've done for myself in my entire life. I owe a lot to my therapist.

PS I also was afraid, even up til recently, of the pain it may cause when the relationship eventually concludes. But again, like the others, I'm learning that it really never does. You just ever-so-gradually begin to need them less. So slowly I've barely noticed it. But the effect of their caring and guidance stays as strong as ever. Again, it's hard to describe. All I can do is encourage you that you are SO worth finding yourself a therapist to help you carry this difficult load.   Big hugs, BG.

[P.F.Change]

Therapy is something you have never done... .  there are a lot of unknowns for you right now and it's understandable you would be feeling anxious about that. But it's not necessary for you to do the T's job for them. They will know how to help you sort through all your goals and feelings and pick a bite of the elephant to work on. You will both know when it is time to stop therapy and you will talk about that together when the time arrives. You don't need to worry about that now before you've even started. A good T will serve as the parent you need while you are in the therapeutic relationship; while they are doing that, they will teach you the skills you need in order to feel confident on your own.

One bridge at a time. You will be fine.

PF

[Claire]

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences & insight. Communication is key. I need to have enough self-confidence to make sure that my questions/needs are heard. If the therapist doesn't bring up some of these subjects (like when do I know I'm done), I can ask! I've done a couple short stints of counseling before, and I was alwasy unsure and insecure. Now, I realize that it's perfectly acceptable for me to ask. I'm the "consumer".

At this point, I realize there are emotional risks to therapy, but I think that I have too much at stake to NOT take that risk. Therapy may be horrible and worse than I ever expected, but there's also the very real possibility that it would be good, and in 6 months when I start my grad program, I will be in a healthier place.  I have time right now to deal with these things, but once I start my Ph.D. it will be 5-6 years of lots of stress and not a lot of time.

When I'd cry it was like I was crying into the space of someone who cared for me. Who wanted me to heal, and feel comforted. I'd cry and I'd feel comforted. I'd spew problems in outrage and I'd feel heard and like my frustration mattered. Did you know that tears cried out of pain enable your body to release endorphins? Well. It's all hard to describe. All I can say is that it's been the most empowering, healing thing I've done for myself in my entire life. I owe a lot to my therapist.

BG, it's hard to describe the feeling when I read this.  These are the very things that I've wanted all my life, and never had. I've been aware of these needs for a few years now, and they're deep stuff. Like the stuff that is too deep even for crying. Dare I hope that I could have that good of a therapist?  Maybe I will... .  

One final question. So I have a therapist in mind, but she goes to my church. I would see her outside. What are the pros & cons to a strictly counseling relationship vs. one that spans multiple areas of life? The latter could be good because we can have a legitimate relationship outside therapy. But I also know that I would feel awkward if I ran into her because I try so hard to appear normal/healthy, and she would know all my secrets... .  and I would hide and act ashamed Maybe I just need to address that need to appear perfect... .  because obviously, there's confidentiality stuff, and she certanily wouldn't be judging me... .  

As an aside, I had a dream last night. It was my first appointment with the therapist I was just talking about in the last paragraph.  We were in the front yard of my parents house, sitting on lawn chairs, talking.  My Dad was leaving to run errands, and drove past. All the sudden, I was aware of needing to hide. Dad couldn't see me talking to a therapist! Then I realized that he probably didn't even notice.  A while later my Mom came out, pulled up a lawn chair, and joined us. I don't remember anything that I was saying to the therapist, but when it finally sunk in that my mom shouldn't be part of this conversation, I said "we're trying to have a talk here" and suggested to the T that we go somewhere else. So we went to a little area in our yard, enclosed by very tall bushes. Mom grabs her lawn chair and tries to follow. I don't remember how we got rid of her (maybe she stomped off in a rage... .  ), but it did end up just the T and I in the little bush area, talking (with my youngest sister playing house with a friend there, but otherwise uninterrupted). Later, my Dad knew we were in there and didn't want to be disturbed (did Mom complain to him?) so he came over with the hose and, pretending he didn't know we were there, started watering the bushes, causing us to get wet and end our session. I remember as soon as the T was gone, I realized that we had talked about meeting again but we had no firm date or plans, and that made me feel very insecure. Then I woke up.

So, yeah. Interesting dream. Kind of symbolic, too... .  

[GreenMango]

Thanks for starting this thread.  It's a good topic.   

[Surnia]

Wow, Claire, this is a very interesting dream. The picture that your father is watering you and the T and disturbed and ended the session is very strong and stunning!

Beside this I can only underline your words!

Communication is key. I need to have enough self-confidence to make sure that my questions/needs are heard. If the therapist doesn't bring up some of these subjects (like when do I know I'm done), I can ask! I've done a couple short stints of counseling before, and I was alwasy unsure and insecure. Now, I realize that it's perfectly acceptable for me to ask. I'm the "consumer".

[Grey Kitty]

I need to have enough self-confidence to make sure that my questions/needs are heard. If the therapist doesn't bring up some of these subjects (like when do I know I'm done), I can ask! I've done a couple short stints of counseling before, and I was alwasy unsure and insecure. Now, I realize that it's perfectly acceptable for me to ask. I'm the "consumer".

Indeed. You are hiring a skilled professional to do work for you that you can't do as well alone. You need somebody that feels safe to you for this, and somebody that guides you toward results.

I've never had a personal therapist (perhaps I should!) but have been to couples counseling with five different therapists. Three were effective for us. In two cases, we would have gone back to the same one except that they had retired by the time we needed more. Two of them just didn't work, and we never went back for a second appointment. One triggered my wife and I wasn't going to push her on that. We both agreed that the other was "nice" but wasn't going to push us into anything difficult that would make a difference. Months later a friend us that she had went to this guy for months... .  and also found no real results from him! The same friend moved on to the effective one next and got better results.

Which does bring up an idea: If you have trusted friends who are open to such things... .  ask them if they have had a good or bad experience with a therapist. In the end, we found that we knew of somebody who recommended our "good" therapists in each case, some we talked to before we got in, some after the fact.

One final question. So I have a therapist in mind, but she goes to my church. I would see her outside. What are the pros & cons to a strictly counseling relationship vs. one that spans multiple areas of life?

I'm not a counselor or therapist, or even a medical professional, so I don't know details on this... .  but I do know that part of their training should include quite a bit on ethics, confidentiality, etc.

Here's my suggestion: When you are about to set up a first appointment with her, and ask her directly how she will handle the combination of a professional relationship with you and a prior social relationship with you.

If she is professional, you will get a clear answer that makes you feel safe. Go ahead and "hire" her.

I would personally run away screaming if she was so unprofessional that she didn't have a good clear answer to this one