iamconfused
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Posts: 18
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« on: February 11, 2013, 08:46:09 PM » |
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I have been keeping an online journal. I used to keep a written one, but my bf found and read it, now I do things on the 'sly'.
I added this in 2009. Long before I knew what I was dealing with. I didn't know anything about mental illness. We were together 5 years when I wrote this. I think it came from some sort of google answer somewhere, but have no idea now.
My problem is I am still keeping an online journal, but I feel its morphed into a weird log of sorts... . Today Gregg sat on the couch and watched METV. Today Gregg started drinking at 10am. Today Gregg slept till 1pm.
I have a great reason why I do this - we have a company together. I do the work. Its almost like I am the time clock deciding what he should or not be doing. I feel he isn't doing anything, that's why.
I guess I am not sure how to change my writings without speaking it out loud. I need to face many things.
I guess the funny part is that I knew something was wrong and had no clue what was coming my way.
11/13/09
I have been focusing on the Potential relationship with Gregg, not the reality of our relationship. I keep thinking the relationship will improve. I am in reaction mode instead of action mode. "If only" I could do the right thing, our relationship would be better - giving me hope that things will change.
Recognize and Remember the power I had before Gregg. Why did I allow him to erode my self esteem.
Gregg's negative behavior is justified and tolerated by me thus allowing the relationship to continue as it has.
Can i bear this type of treatment for the rest of my life?
Can I accept that Gregg is not acting the way that a man in love with me and committed to me behaves?
Do I deserve to be happy?
Choices are mine.
My Rationalizations:
Communication Magic: Trying to get Gregg to understand my good intentions through communication. Trying to get him to see my side.
Hiding Pain: When he sees that his actions hurts me, he continues to use the same hurtful behavior because it works, so I try to hide that it hurts.
He doesn't mean it: His hurtful comments are only a joke. I call this kidding on the square.
I am just too sensitive: He will say that I am overreacting again. It is me that needs to change because its my fault.
the good outweigh the bad: does Gregg's good qualities really outweigh his abusive behavior?
Fight Fire with Fire: If he yells, then I yell. If he calls me names, then I call him names.
The Yo-Yo: Breaking up and getting back together. One day he calls me names, the next he tells me he loves me. So I rationalize and return. Gregg is holding the Yo-Yo.
A controller:
will hurt on purpose
Has quick attachments and expressions - they typically wants to move in with you in less than 4 weeks into the relationship
repeatedly puts you down, calls you names, corrects your slightest mistakes
cuts off your support - treats your friends badly, thinks your friends/family are bad for you
Has a mean/sweet cycle - one day they are mean, the next sweet.
Says its always your fault - they blame you for their own anger. They NEVER take personal responsibility for their behavior. They think you deserve their anger because of something you did.
Have breakup panic - unless its their idea, they cry, give gifts, make promises
No outside interests: they don't want you to join a pool league, for example.
Paranoid control - They will inform you that they will call you 'later' and maybe we can do something together. They make you wait for their call. This technique allows them to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.
Its never enough - you are never quite good enough.
Entitlement - they have an tremendous sense of entitlement. The attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their 'rules' they feel entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.
Your friends and family dislike him - your loved ones will notice a change in your personality and will protest. They see what he is doing to you.
Bad stories - tells stories of violence, drug use, how they are insensitive to others.
Walking on eggshells - as the relationship continues, you will be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, put downs. Times together will be alone, not in public.
Discounted feelings/opinions - they are so self involved and self worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don’t make sense, they’re silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. A Controller has no interest in your opinion or your feelings, but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. A Controller is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.
They make you 'CRAZY' - you find yourself doing crazy things in defense. You find yourself checking on him, yelling and screaming - just behaving differently and oddly. Not your true self.
A good way to transform crisis into opportunity is to survey the past and ask yourself, “What can I learn from this that I can use in the present and perhaps carry into the future with me?” This attitude allows you to develop a new approach to life in which you can see things from a different perspective and make new choices.
A client and I were working together to see what skills she had carried over from her relationship that could be put to use now. She visualized a blackboard divided in half. On the left was the section she called “The Past,” which was completely filled with information from the series of controlling relationships she had been involved in. On the right was the section labeled “The Rest of My Life,” which was a blank slate. She couldn’t see any usable skills from the past to bring into the present and future. When I asked her what it would take to be able to fill up the right side, she immediately had the answer. “First I need to know what my needs are in order to gain access to the rest of my life. I’ll make another section and call it ‘Needs.’ I’ll put it in the middle. Once I list my needs, I’ll discover opportunities.”
As you both survey it, you’ll find many sections are intact, solidly woven, and sturdy. But it’s not perfect. Some parts became worn over the years, perhaps a little frayed. There are some weakened places here and there, maybe even a few holes. It would be a shame to reject the whole tapestry because part of it is tattered or torn, when in fact, much of the surrounding areas are durable and vital. Even though a few holes might be bigger than others, they can be filled in, they are all restorable. Sometimes its hard to know where to start. Sometimes it seems like an overwhelming project. But all you have to do is to locate one small piece of thread and follow it. It will lead to others. It’s a matter of gathering together the stitches, a little here and a little there, connecting those parts of themselves, restoring form and order. Most importantly, they don’t have to put that tapestry together in exactly the same way it was before. Now they have options. Here is an opportunity to redesign the tapestry of their life experiences. They can take themselves seriously by honoring their abilities and uniqueness, by reminding themselves that this is their tapestry, and they can reweave it any way they want.
As you weave your tapestry, acknowledge and honor your past as well as your present. This enlightenment can be used as a resource to help you make choices along the way that broaden your experiences of life. As one of my clients said, “I’m working hard to accept life on life’s terms and accept myself in the process.”
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