Silent Treatment - Tips for Diffusal

[sb3855]

My uBPDgf often resorts to the silent treatment when she is upset about something. If I ignore her in these situations, she often gets more and more angry as she sits there in silence, which leads to an explosive yelling match. If I try to talk to her, I often either lose my patience and my tone reveals my frustration, or I happen to say the wrong thing causing a yelling match.

Any tips on how to best deal with situations like these? Also my gf is relatively young (early twenties). Also, how likely is this behavior to diminish as she gets older? Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[almost789]

I just wanted to say if you are in a "yelling match" you are not in silent treatment. You can also do a search on this site "silent treatment" and find lots of tips for dealing with it. It's very difficult.

[sb3855]

Thanks for your response. Well the yelling only comes after a period of silence in which she doesn't respond if I try to speak to her. These occurances have improved over time (less frequent/severe), which I am happy about. I'll try to search around and find some tips.

[almost789]

Yes, try searching that in the search box. There are several topic threads on that discussion. I think that it is recommended not to play too much into it and go about your business until she comes out of it. Chasing and trying to make her speak or showing that it bothers you alot, usually instigates more silent treatment if she is using it as punishment. Or it could be she has something to say but doesn't know how to express it, rather than intentionally using it for punishment. Mine would go weeks in silent treatment, but I don't live with him. Many times I wish we'd have a yelling match as opposed to silent treatment.

[Lost_in_Wonderland]

I have not found any effective way to deal with the Silent Treatments.     They still hurt the worst, but what I have learned is during these "Silent Treatments" is when I know he is feeling his worst.  Remember, they are dealing with internal demons... .  Dealing with them take more patience then most of us can handle, myself included.  

Lately, I have been ignoring the silent treatments, NOT HIM.  Of course, I do not have the patience for this everytime, but I try as often as possible.  

I will continue to live life as usual.  I will even speak to him as usual, ask questions, and I had to learn not to expect much response.     Sometimes I feel silly, like I am talking to myself  ... .  but I try to laugh at it.  If I can maintain my own emotions, this seems to be the most effective way... .  fighting fire with fire has never seemed to work for me.  The hardest part is not knowing what he is thinking... .  

[CodependentHusband]

Lost in Wonderland,

   You say that you haven't found any effective way to deal with silent treatments; however, ironically, the approach that you go on to describe has been the MOST effective approach I have found in dealing with silent treatments from my dBPDw. I want to clarify that I will talk to her still, but I limit my communication to what is necessary... .  No attempts at deep sharing while she is 'punishing' me... .  To take it that far would simply invalidate the pwBPD. On the other hand, if dinner is ready, or if you are leaving the house for the gym, say so... .  just don't expect a reply. Yes... .  I admit, sometimes I 'demand' a response from her by saying something like, "Can you please acknowledge that you heard what I just said?" But, more often than not, I just say what i need to say and let her pretend that she didn't hear me. :-)

[almost789]

Thats what I do too Wonderland. I keep talking, not much but a little. Pretending like nothings wrong. It does feel silly, like I'm talking to myself. But thats what I mean by not letting him know its bothering me. I don't give him back the silent treatment or ignore him. I simply pretend like its not happening. Minimal conversation though.

[Grey Kitty]

There was a thread here about the silent treatment. The first time I read it I cried when I really allowed myself to acknowledge how much it hurt.

And the best thing I've found to do is to just be civil or kind, speaking as if I would get a reasonable answer when it is time to talk ("Would you like to eat dinner with me?"... .  when I have the capacity to do that... .  and taking care of myself and finding something else I would enjoy doing for a while. If it ends and I get a reasonable answer I just go forward from there.

Yes, it still hurts. But you don't have to "give in" to it in some way that sacrifices yourself or something important to yourself. And if it doesn't get "results" the appeal should go away. At least it is much easier to get away from than a circular argument!

[sb3855]

These are some good suggestions. I noticed the word punish/punishment was used a few times. I'm curious, is it generally accepted that these types of behaviors are more of a defense mechanism instead of a way to gain control?

Before I learned about BPD, I thought it was her way of controlling me and/or punishing me. Now that I read about BPD, I'm hoping that isn't her intention.

I'm afraid that anger will build up inside her if I pretend that the silent treatment is not happening. It may be her way of thinking "he doesn't love me" if I don't directly address it. I'll give it a try though.

[CodependentHusband]

These are some good suggestions. I noticed the word punish/punishment was used a few times. I'm curious, is it generally accepted that these types of behaviors are more of a defense mechanism instead of a way to gain control?

Hmm... .  good question, but, you know, understanding the true motivations in my opinion only helps to a certain extent. My experience has been that my response, regardless of the motivations, is perhaps the most important.

Before I learned about BPD, I thought it was her way of controlling me and/or punishing me. Now that I read about BPD, I'm hoping that isn't her intention.

I think you are on to something when you say that she may be trying to control you... .  or, maybe more accurately, control anything. Remember that many people with BPD feel like they are out of control, so, I don't think a non can take it quite so personal as that.

I'm afraid that anger will build up inside her if I pretend that the silent treatment is not happening. It may be her way of thinking "he doesn't love me" if I don't directly address it. I'll give it a try though.

When you first start acting like the silent treatment doesn't affect you, your instinct is 100% accurate. It WILL be invalidating, and the pwBPD probably will feel unloved. Keep in mind though, that her thinking that does not make it so, and you cannot control what she thinks about it. Recognizing that there are times when there truly is absolutely nothing that I can do to convince my dBPDw that I love her was a HUGE breakthrough for me. Remind yourself of this, and distance yourself emotionally a little so that your feelings don't get hurt. Ironically, this is going to make your stronger for her, and you will see some positive changes come out of it. It will likely get worse before it gets better, but once she sees that you are consistent in how you respond in a more healthy way, the frequency and intensity of the behaviors will most likely improve. It sure has for me in my r/s. Yes, my wife still acts out, but I do something else while she is doing it and it passes when her mood improves.

[almost789]

I dont know the intention behind mines silent treatment everytime. But I believe sometimes it is his way of expressing anger and it IS punishment. And I also know that sometimes it is purely defensive, he just cant respond because hes emotional and doesnt know how to express himself. It depends on what exactly is going on just before the silence happens. In the beginning I would get really angry and react to it by trying to force him to come out of it. This didnt work at all and increased more silent treatment. Now i do try to see it more as poor coping skills and dont take it personal. He still does it, but I think not getting angry about it and taking it personal is key in dealing with it.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm afraid that anger will build up inside her if I pretend that the silent treatment is not happening. It may be her way of thinking "he doesn't love me" if I don't directly address it. I'll give it a try though.

When you first start acting like the silent treatment doesn't affect you, your instinct is 100% accurate. It WILL be invalidating, and the pwBPD probably will feel unloved. Keep in mind though, that her thinking that does not make it so, and you cannot control what she thinks about it. Recognizing that there are times when there truly is absolutely nothing that I can do to convince my dBPDw that I love her was a HUGE breakthrough for me. Remind yourself of this, and distance yourself emotionally a little so that your feelings don't get hurt. Ironically, this is going to make your stronger for her, and you will see some positive changes come out of it. It will likely get worse before it gets better, but once she sees that you are consistent in how you respond in a more healthy way, the frequency and intensity of the behaviors will most likely improve. It sure has for me in my r/s. Yes, my wife still acts out, but I do something else while she is doing it and it passes when her mood improves.

This is pretty much right on. Your partner uses the silent treatment on you because it "works." It makes you uncomfortable and pushes you into patterns that are "easy" or "soothing" for them.

If you don't fall into the accepted pattern, it will probably make your partner uncomfortable, and you probably will get angry reactions, likely either continuing more of the silent treatment, angry raging, or provoking you even more than previously. You might want to read up on extinction bursts in the lessons here. Keep working it, stick to your boundaries, and try to be as consistent as you can. Things will eventually get better.

SummerT321 also mentioned getting silence just because their partner was too emotional to express himself. This kind of silence often doesn't have the angry or violent feel that the punishing/invalidating silence does.

Either way, just try not to take it personally, and accept that your partner will talk with you when they want to.

[sb3855]

Sounds like I'll have to brainstorm and come up with clear boundaries, so I can act according to them without hesitation. It's going to be difficult I'm sure, but it all makes sense.

[Truth in Ruin]

" Happen to say the wrong thing"... .  I highly doubt it.

[Truth in Ruin]

There is NO, I repeat NO tuff love with a BPDgf. Take a beating, or leave the room.

[sb3855]

" Happen to say the wrong thing"... .  I highly doubt it.

Can you elaborate?

[Grey Kitty]

Sounds like I'll have to brainstorm and come up with clear boundaries, so I can act according to them without hesitation. It's going to be difficult I'm sure, but it all makes sense.

There is a good workshop on setting boundaries here, but let me give an example relating to your situation:

Example: You mention a yelling match, and (presumably ) you do not want to participate in one

Boundary: I will not accept verbal abuse

If you yell at me I will leave the room.

[hopefully not needed, but there can be pushback, so preparing yourself can help]

If you follow me out of the room yelling, I will get in my car and drive away.

If you get in a car and follow me, I will drive to the police station.

[I really hope this one isn't needed]

If you block my efforts to leave I will dial 9-1-1

The really important thing about all these boundaries is that the consequence is one that you can enforce without any help, compliance, agreement, or anything from your partner. There is a complete absence of "You must" or "You cannot" or "I won't let you" in them. Statements like that aren't boundaries; They are efforts to control your partner.

The silent treatment is harder to set up boundaries for. Although leaving when you are treated that way is something I would have recommended anyway.

[Truth in Ruin]

SB3855, you can say the right thing, and they will turn it into the wrong thing.

[sb3855]

Thanks Grey Kitty, I'll take a look at that link.

SB3855, you can say the right thing, and they will turn it into the wrong thing.

Oh, sure. When I said wrong thing I was just talking about their perspective or their reality.