Behavior Towards Opposite Sex

[sb3855]

My uBPDgf tends to seek male attention in social situations. Her interaction with them could easily be be interpreted as flirty by a casual observer even though she denies that it's flirting. I usually don't mind (given that it's not excessive and right in front of me) because I trust that she knows her boundaries. There have been times that I've become upset by her actions towards other males, and I've made it clear to her.

Given this, she can become extremely jealous of interactions between other females and myself. I have given her no reason to distrust me in these situations, and the interactions are of a friendly nature. She admits that she knows I wouldn't cheat on her, yet she can't seem to get rid of her sensitivity towards other women.

After learning about BPD this past week, I come to understand that what I just described is more or less normal with BPD. Can someone confirm? If so, what are they major psychological reasons for this kind of attitude/behavior? Is it always abandonment issues? I'm confused on that point because she has a very caring family, and she has plenty of positive childhood memories. I'm trying to understand the thought process so that I can hopefully find ways to put her to ease with my words.

Anyone who has insight, please reply. Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cloudy Days]

Well, what I can say is that my husband hates men. He always seeks the help or comfort of wemon. He is extremly charming when talking to a female, and he has gone too far in front of me ,for my compfort. I kinda feel like he does it on purpose to see if I will get jelous. He has done it before with a girl I specifically told him I can't stand. He meets her and immediatly starts flirting with her. It was a girl we both worked with so it's not like I could tell him to stay away. He will only see Female therapists, when he chooses someone to help him at a store he always trys to find a female first.

As far as him getting jelous of me, he pretty much goes overboard in every way. He always thinks I am cheating on him and he always accuses me of it. He doesn't even need anything to make him suspicious, he'll find something and it just snowballs. It could be that I didn't answer the phone fast enough, it could be that my voice sounds muffled over the phone, or if we are in person it could be that I'm acting nervous so that means I am hiding something. Of course the reason I would be nervous is because of his over reaction to everything I do but why would I be nervous about that. He just does it constantly.

I do know that everyone that abused him as a child or as an adult was male. His father I think had BPD, and the only people who were any comfort to him were the females in his life. But interestingly enough when he was in highschool most of his freinds were female too, any male freinds he had he would ruin the relationship with them somehow so they wouldn't stay freinds. That pretty much still holds true but he has no freinds to run off anymore except for me and he is sure trying.

Anyways, yep it's normal, especially for me. I can't tell you how to deal with it because i have yet to figure it out myself!

[shatra]

Hello

  They might be flirting to test your reaction----will you show you care enough about them?

  They are often jealous------they project their fear of abandonment onto you, and assume you will find someone else and leave them.

   I wonder if validating them would help.

Shatra

[sb3855]

Well, what I can say is that my husband hates men

My girlfriend does seem to often consider other women as rivals. She is much more inclined to find reasons to dislike other women than men. She does have female friends (mostly from youth), but it seems she is more inclined to make male friends. This wouldn't bother me if it wasn't for her extreme sensitivity towards me talking to other women. The double standards get to me.

They might be flirting to test your reaction----will you show you care enough about them?

That does make sense; though I have a feeling she desires male attention to make herself feel better about herself. Maybe it helps with her insecurities. I say this because she's never really made any indication that she expects me to do something about it when she is flirting.

I wonder if validating them would help.

Any ideas on how to validate something like this? I don't exactly appreciate how much she desires male attention to begin with, so it'll be a little tricky.

[Cloudy Days]

I have to say, I hate the double standard too. And this isn't the only double standard in our relationship. It's gets really old

I basically just try to Validate when he is comming at me with accusations. I try not to let him see my jelousy unless he is really out of line. I keep a notebook full of useful Validation phrases for all occasions. When he openly shares how he feels about something I always try to Validate. If you aren't used to talking in a certain way you have to practice so it sounds natural. My husband kept calling me a robot when I first started trying to Validate. It was sort of stiff because they weren't phrases I would normally say. Practice makes perfect.

[sb3855]

I have to say, I hate the double standard too. And this isn't the only double standard in our relationship. It's gets really old

I agree. There's many double standards in my relationship as well, and it used to drive me nuts. I just couldn't fathom how she couldn't see how tilted our relationship was. It still can bother me from time to time, but it's a little easier now.

My husband kept calling me a robot when I first started trying to Validate.

I'm very conscious of the fact that she may notice I'm talking differently, so I'm trying to be careful not to raise any flags myself.