We FINALLY heard from the GAL and are moving... slowly, but surely

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We first asked for counseling between DH and DSD in October... .  GAL was all behind it, but the opposing attorney blocked it and GAL didn't fight back. 

We asked again a month ago when BPD mom blocked visitation.

After leaving countless messages, our attorney FINALLY heard from the GAL and he is "100% behind the recommendation that counseling should start immediately."  He will send that recommendation off today.  He also told our attorney that he does not want to go to mediation or a hearing until the counseling starts working.

So I asked the attorney if that means that the GAL is seeing that there may be alienation going on.  The attorney replied, "Baby steps, sanemom, baby steps.  Suffice it to say that the GAL is open to seeing our side of the story now."

At least we are moving in the right direction... .  

[sanemom]

We first asked for counseling between DH and DSD in October... .  GAL was all behind it, but the opposing attorney blocked it and GAL didn't fight back. 

We asked again a month ago when BPD mom blocked visitation.

After leaving countless messages, our attorney FINALLY heard from the GAL and he is "100% behind the recommendation that counseling should start immediately."  He will send that recommendation off today.  He also told our attorney that he does not want to go to mediation or a hearing until the counseling starts working.

So I asked the attorney if that means that the GAL is seeing that there may be alienation going on.  The attorney replied, "Baby steps, sanemom, baby steps.  Suffice it to say that the GAL is open to seeing our side of the story now."

At least we are moving in the right direction... .  

[DreamGirl]

We first asked for counseling between DH and DSD in October... .  GAL was all behind it, but the opposing attorney blocked it and GAL didn't fight back. 

We asked again a month ago when BPD mom blocked visitation.

After leaving countless messages, our attorney FINALLY heard from the GAL and he is "100% behind the recommendation that counseling should start immediately."  He will send that recommendation off today.  He also told our attorney that he does not want to go to mediation or a hearing until the counseling starts working.

So I asked the attorney if that means that the GAL is seeing that there may be alienation going on.  The attorney replied, "Baby steps, sanemom, baby steps.  Suffice it to say that the GAL is open to seeing our side of the story now."

At least we are moving in the right direction... .  

I think it will really help your husband and SD get back on track... .  

[sanemom]

I am probably overthinking it, but one thing that bothers me is that our attorney spoke with the GAL for 45 minutes (that seems like a long time), and the GAL is just now "open" to hearing our side and will recommend counseling.  It is sad that it took that much work on our attorney's part, don't you think?

[AnotherPhoenix]

I am probably overthinking it, but one thing that bothers me is that our attorney spoke with the GAL for 45 minutes (that seems like a long time), and the GAL is just now "open" to hearing our side and will recommend counseling.  It is sad that it took that much work on our attorney's part, don't you think?

 Hi,

A big congratulations on the first step. It may not sound like a lot of progress was made, but it sounds big to me.

It may be sad that it took that long (and that much money). But, that seems to be the way these things work. People don't want to go back on their stances. That seems reasonable, but it does make it hard to get people to change their minds, even if they see that they were wrong. At least in this case it sounds like a big milestone for you. And very well worth the time and money in the long haul.

Wishing you the best,

AnotherPheonix

[sanemom]

I am probably overthinking it, but one thing that bothers me is that our attorney spoke with the GAL for 45 minutes (that seems like a long time), and the GAL is just now "open" to hearing our side and will recommend counseling.  It is sad that it took that much work on our attorney's part, don't you think?

 Hi,

A big congratulations on the first step. It may not sound like a lot of progress was made, but it sounds big to me.

It may be sad that it took that long (and that much money). But, that seems to be the way these things work. People don't want to go back on their stances. That seems reasonable, but it does make it hard to get people to change their minds, even if they see that they were wrong. At least in this case it sounds like a big milestone for you. And very well worth the time and money in the long haul.

Wishing you the best,

AnotherPheonix

Thanks, Phoenix.  I guess it just seems so nuts.  How can it not be blatantly obvious?  I get that attorneys are not trained in alienation (the GAL is an attorney here), but they should at least know that withholding visitation is bad.  He should know that the instability that DSD has been through is not good (6 moves, an 8 week marriage, living on food stamps, etc).  It doesn't take someone with a degree in mental health to figure that out.

And how is this clueless GAL going to know when "counseling is working" to make his recommendation?

Don't get me wrong--overall I am very glad because the big picture is that DSD and DH need to heal their relationship, and it will be interesting to see BPD mom's reaction to the recommendation.  Her attorney (or she) fought it tooth and nail last time, but she may act all "oh what a wonderful idea" this time around since she is in some kind of nicey-nice mode these days.  I guess we can flip a coin on that reaction.

And I get how it is hard to change his stance, but how can he even try to defend it at this point?

[tog]

Is your GAL an attorney? In our case, they are the "attorney for the child" and they are supposed to represent the child's point of view. So if DSD said she doesn't want it (likely) then he may feel he has to support that.

[sanemom]

Is your GAL an attorney? In our case, they are the "attorney for the child" and they are supposed to represent the child's point of view. So if DSD said she doesn't want it (likely) then he may feel he has to support that.

The GAL is an attorney by training, but not an attorney for the child.  In our state, he is still supposed to represent the child's best interest, and their input is only supposed to be one factor in the decision. 

[sanemom]

Overanalyzing again because that is what I do best. 

Which is more likely:

(1) The GAL has agreed to push counseling and not make a recommendation until "it is working" because initially, he was going to suggest the boys move in with their mom (neither one wanted to but they don't like separating the kids) and our attorney pushed back; OR

(2) The GAL has agreed to push counseling and not make a recommendation until "it is working" because he wants to see where the counseling gets DSD in terms of what she ends up wanting.

[AnotherPhoenix]

Thanks, Phoenix.  I guess it just seems so nuts.  How can it not be blatantly obvious?  I get that attorneys are not trained in alienation (the GAL is an attorney here), but they should at least know that withholding visitation is bad.  He should know that the instability that DSD has been through is not good (6 moves, an 8 week marriage, living on food stamps, etc).  It doesn't take someone with a degree in mental health to figure that out.

And how is this clueless GAL going to know when "counseling is working" to make his recommendation?

Don't get me wrong--overall I am very glad because the big picture is that DSD and DH need to heal their relationship, and it will be interesting to see BPD mom's reaction to the recommendation.  Her attorney (or she) fought it tooth and nail last time, but she may act all "oh what a wonderful idea" this time around since she is in some kind of nicey-nice mode these days.  I guess we can flip a coin on that reaction.

And I get how it is hard to change his stance, but how can he even try to defend it at this point?

 Hi Sanemom,

I'm sorry it has taken so long for me to reply.

I totally understand where you are coming from! I used to tell my T how frustrated I was with the craziness. My lawyer, with 30+ years of experience seemed clueless, not just about BPD, but about custody issues! And he has extensive divorce experience. Even my (ex) T didn't get it! This whole thing is just nuts! I have been so tired of it all for a long time. At home, I used to have screaming/yelling sessions (I had to scream into my pillows because my cats would start to get very concerned for me, pawing at me, coming up and getting right in my face and examining every inch of it, etc.).

I too get frustrated by how my GAL seems to be. Yep, we have a GAL too (I'm also in Texas). This one doesn't have the legal training, but is a psychologist with years of experience. My wife has been officially diagnosed with BPD. Did that influence the GAL's decision? Apparently not. Did my wife's drinking problem influence the GAL's decision? Apparently not. Her recommendation is 50/50, with me getting the right to determine residence because with the work my wife does, she gets Fedexed packages, and she Fedexes the work back, so she could keep her job wherever she moved.

I'm with you, friend. My BPDex is great with the nicey-nice "act" and cover-ups for others. It sickens me when I see my wife do it. I hate it. I don't know how much of her behavior is intentional and meant to be hurtful (I'm sure some of it is) and how much of it she just isn't aware of (she seems so clueless about so many things). As one poster wrote in his posts "she just doesn't seem to get it." It's all so frustrating.

Its one thing after the next with my BPDex. Crazymaking. Drama! All the time! Multiple things every week.

From what I've learned on these boards, is that over the years, the craziness may slow down some, but not much. That's scary. :'(.

But, I have learned some hope.  People do see some of the craziness of the BPD in our lives. The just don't know that they are only seeing the tip of the iceberg, and they don't know what they are seeing. Also, we can do a lot to reduce the negative effects of having a person with BPD in our lives. It takes time and learning. I'm not even close to there yet.

Lots of hugs.     

AnotherPheonix