Being discarded vs. "clean break" ... maybe I'm the one with the issues

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm starting to wonder if I'm the one with the issues... .  that I can't let go and I'm trying so hard to validate myself and justify his breaking up with me.   

I sense that my ex does have some kind of personality disorder- he mirrored me a lot... .  he's extremely avoidant and dependent... .  hypersensitive... .  cowardly.  I was his first relationship at 27.   I always wondered how he was able to walk away from our two-year relationship like it was nothing.  He never gave me a reason for our breakup, just that he didn't want to be with me anymore.  I suspect he cheated or thought about it, but he denied it.  Afterwords, he was done. He never asked how I was doing, never initiated contact.  To me, he lacked empathy.  He did tell me a couple weeks after that he made a mistake, only to change his mind the very next day.   I was so angry, but I still loved him.  I contacted him a couple times via email.  He never ignored me- he would respond, but usually in anger, blaming me for everything.  That's when I went NC.  I didn't want to, but I didn't know what else to do.

6 months or so after the breakup, we were both at a party and slightly intoxicated.  I asked him how he could just drop things cold and never reach out to me.  He said he wanted a clean break.  Now, I've never been able to do that, but a lot of people suggest that is the best thing after a breakup.  That got me to thinking... .  maybe he wasn't in the wrong.  It's cruel, but maybe he thought that was best.  Even his best friend joked with a good friend of mine that he was amazed that my ex was able to do that... .  just cut me off. 

I asked him to meet for coffee, because I wanted closure.  He met me, told me he wanted to date others.  It hurt, but I gave up any hope of reconciliation after that. (at that time I knew nothing about PD's).  We had a nice conversation and I left.  Before that meeting, things were okay between us.  I'm not sure if that was his attempt at recycling, but he would show up to where I was, flirt with me, reminisce about our time together... .  we ended up sleeping together again.  The coffee meeting was my attempt to see where he stood about us. 

Now, he wants absolutely NOTHING to do with me.  He can't even stand being in the same space at me.  I don't get what happened. 

I'm kind of thinking out loud now, but maybe he's not the one with the issues... .  I am.  He changed his gym, grocery store, hangouts, friend base, etc. because he doesn't want to have to ever see me again.  Maybe I loved him and his feelings were a lot more shallow and I can't get over that (codependency).  He's so cold to me now, looks at me with dead eyes, but actions speak louder than words... .  he's made his message clear.  Why can't I let go?

Sorry all... .  thinking out loud. 

[SarahinMA]

I'm starting to wonder if I'm the one with the issues... .  that I can't let go and I'm trying so hard to validate myself and justify his breaking up with me.   

I sense that my ex does have some kind of personality disorder- he mirrored me a lot... .  he's extremely avoidant and dependent... .  hypersensitive... .  cowardly.  I was his first relationship at 27.   I always wondered how he was able to walk away from our two-year relationship like it was nothing.  He never gave me a reason for our breakup, just that he didn't want to be with me anymore.  I suspect he cheated or thought about it, but he denied it.  Afterwords, he was done. He never asked how I was doing, never initiated contact.  To me, he lacked empathy.  He did tell me a couple weeks after that he made a mistake, only to change his mind the very next day.   I was so angry, but I still loved him.  I contacted him a couple times via email.  He never ignored me- he would respond, but usually in anger, blaming me for everything.  That's when I went NC.  I didn't want to, but I didn't know what else to do.

6 months or so after the breakup, we were both at a party and slightly intoxicated.  I asked him how he could just drop things cold and never reach out to me.  He said he wanted a clean break.  Now, I've never been able to do that, but a lot of people suggest that is the best thing after a breakup.  That got me to thinking... .  maybe he wasn't in the wrong.  It's cruel, but maybe he thought that was best.  Even his best friend joked with a good friend of mine that he was amazed that my ex was able to do that... .  just cut me off. 

I asked him to meet for coffee, because I wanted closure.  He met me, told me he wanted to date others.  It hurt, but I gave up any hope of reconciliation after that. (at that time I knew nothing about PD's).  We had a nice conversation and I left.  Before that meeting, things were okay between us.  I'm not sure if that was his attempt at recycling, but he would show up to where I was, flirt with me, reminisce about our time together... .  we ended up sleeping together again.  The coffee meeting was my attempt to see where he stood about us. 

Now, he wants absolutely NOTHING to do with me.  He can't even stand being in the same space at me.  I don't get what happened. 

I'm kind of thinking out loud now, but maybe he's not the one with the issues... .  I am.  He changed his gym, grocery store, hangouts, friend base, etc. because he doesn't want to have to ever see me again.  Maybe I loved him and his feelings were a lot more shallow and I can't get over that (codependency).  He's so cold to me now, looks at me with dead eyes, but actions speak louder than words... .  he's made his message clear.  Why can't I let go?

Sorry all... .  thinking out loud. 

[trevjim]

Just because he may or may not have issues, doesn't mean you do. Some people move on differently to others weather it be because of a dissorder or just because that's who they are and how they deal with things. It is horrible and I think most, If not all the people on here are the type that can't just let go and move on straight away, we need time to analyze, heal and rest. Your with good friends on here

[Rose Tiger]

C'mon Sarahin, don't you tell people that you love them and then 5 minutes later say nevermind and file a restraining order if they send a text?  Isn't that the normal way to treat a love interest?

I couldn't believe that ex could turn off his feelings so quickly, like a light switch.  Love/hate/boom.  I didn't do anything to him to justify this hate.  I saw him do this to his older daughter, too.  Can you imagine?  Now that's is one person I'd like to tell about ex's personality disorder.  I'm an adult and I can decipher disillusions from reality.  Having a father turn you black, oh what that will do to her self worth breaks my heart.

I remember in high school, you know the years of dating different boys.  Even when I didn't date a boy anymore, we were still sweet to each other, maybe a bit flirty.  I can't remember a boy ever living in terror of me during those years.  It was ok to still be nice to each other and remember the fun times.  There was a fondness after the relationship was over, those weren't intense relationships more get togethers with groups.  Isn't that more natural?  I believe so.  To be able to say to a past boyfriend, how's it going and having a nice chat.  The complete cut off that pwBPD do is cruel and unnecessary.  This disorder is a serious mental illness.     It's not you!

[SarahinMA]

You're both right... .  that's one thing I still deal with in T- guilt.  I don't know what I'd do without these boards.  Thanks to you all! 

[recoil]

Sarah,

I just wanted to say that on many occasions, I think the problem is/was me.  Maybe I'm the borderline.

There are times I want to publicly post on FB about my experience, so everyone knows the pain and suffering I have been through.  But then I catch myself as that would be smearing. 

Maybe I'm the person who is splitting her into all good or bad, based on whether she's pulling or pushing me.

Is the grass greener on the other side because I would love to date someone else who doesn't treat me so badly in my eyes (someone who believes in reciprocating love).  I would really like to do this quickly because it might "stop the pain", but I know it would be bad for me and any possible date since I'm currently in therapy learning about myself.

My T says me and my EX are both broken.  Being with her has activated some childhood trauma I didn't experience with previous girlfriends (certainly not with my late wife of 14 years). 

I feel persecuted by her when she pushes me away, refuses to tell me "I love you" for many weeks at a time, goes weeks without a kiss -- but all the while expecting me to help raise her children, help fix her house, buy me this/that.  She hasn't been to my house in six months because I asked her to move out because she was giving me the silent treatment for days and verbally denigrating me and trying to make me kick my step daughter out before she was 18 (never did).

Maybe your EX activated some things in you that typically lay dormant when dealing with a normal person?

[seeking balance]

You're both right... .  that's one thing I still deal with in T- guilt.  I don't know what I'd do without these boards.  Thanks to you all! 

Keep going to your T, you will get it all figured out.

Honestly, everyone is different and everyone has issues to one degree or another.  If this relationship is what is making you look at yourself, well - at least something good is coming from this.

A lot of the time on these boards, I think being emotionally immature or codependent is more the problem than some major personality disorder... .  either way, we are effected and need to look at ourselves in a new light.

Peace,

SB

[Traye]

Maybe your EX activated some things in you that typically lay dormant when dealing with a normal person?

Ding, ding, ding.  That is so true for me.  She activated things like no one else ever has.  Punched buttons all day long--seemed to enjoy punching my buttons.  In retrospect, it was all downright sick--on her part and my part.