Hurting real bad- ruined lives

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm in bad shape.  The facts are bad enough in and of themselves-

Was seperated from BPDw and d3, but reconciling.  Supposed to be reunited as a family on 1-1.

Found out about affair 11/9.  My BPDw reacted in a 'how dare I be angry' type of way.  Then she filed a false restraining order against me.

Then after I exposed the affair to her friends and family, she filed a false domestic violence charge against me.

Then after she no called no showed at a meeting between her and I, I called her (stupid, I know), and she filed a restraining order violation against me.

I went from seeing my daughter 5x a week to seeing her 3x a month, and that was only after fighting in probate court.

I'm flat broke, facing 2.5 yrs in jail if I lose in court, owe thousands of dollars to lawyers, and I'm staying with my mother and step father right now.

But all of this abuse, accusations, belittling, criticism... .  it's taking its toll.  My mil, full blown NPD/BPD, has 0 mercy, is NEVER wrong (and I do mean never), and intimidates and bullies everyone in her life.  She harasses my mother and step father to get to me, and because she knows she can manipulate them.  She won't let me see my daughter and will fight me tooth and nail for custody of my daughter.  I was soo close to her, and our relationship is suffering (no doubt because of all the awful things my mil and wife say about me).  She is devastated.

And my wife.  I'm not even sure if she technically is BPD, probably but I'd label it 'BPD with hope'.  Up until this last year, crazy as she was, she was always a good person with a big heart.  She had empathy, compassion, kindness, and a gentleness to her that have totally vanished.  These have been replaced by a previously unseen arrogance and rottenness.

I don't know what to do.  I'm pretty sure she will back.  I'll get that phonecall, and then what?  And until then, do I give in?  I could probably make all of these troubles go away if I just gave in to my mil.  But I just can't do that.  I just hope I win (custody).

[asunder]

I'm in bad shape.  The facts are bad enough in and of themselves-

Was seperated from BPDw and d3, but reconciling.  Supposed to be reunited as a family on 1-1.

Found out about affair 11/9.  My BPDw reacted in a 'how dare I be angry' type of way.  Then she filed a false restraining order against me.

Then after I exposed the affair to her friends and family, she filed a false domestic violence charge against me.

Then after she no called no showed at a meeting between her and I, I called her (stupid, I know), and she filed a restraining order violation against me.

I went from seeing my daughter 5x a week to seeing her 3x a month, and that was only after fighting in probate court.

I'm flat broke, facing 2.5 yrs in jail if I lose in court, owe thousands of dollars to lawyers, and I'm staying with my mother and step father right now.

But all of this abuse, accusations, belittling, criticism... .  it's taking its toll.  My mil, full blown NPD/BPD, has 0 mercy, is NEVER wrong (and I do mean never), and intimidates and bullies everyone in her life.  She harasses my mother and step father to get to me, and because she knows she can manipulate them.  She won't let me see my daughter and will fight me tooth and nail for custody of my daughter.  I was soo close to her, and our relationship is suffering (no doubt because of all the awful things my mil and wife say about me).  She is devastated.

And my wife.  I'm not even sure if she technically is BPD, probably but I'd label it 'BPD with hope'.  Up until this last year, crazy as she was, she was always a good person with a big heart.  She had empathy, compassion, kindness, and a gentleness to her that have totally vanished.  These have been replaced by a previously unseen arrogance and rottenness.

I don't know what to do.  I'm pretty sure she will back.  I'll get that phonecall, and then what?  And until then, do I give in?  I could probably make all of these troubles go away if I just gave in to my mil.  But I just can't do that.  I just hope I win (custody).

[livednlearned]

No. Don't give in. You'll get a lot of support here, and your situation is not without hope. There are many members here who have been through a similar experience, including the false domestic violence charge.

Do you have a criminal lawyer to help with the DV charges?

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by reconciling. As in moving back in together?

What has your lawyer done for you so far?

[Forestaken]

Agree there is a lot of support here.  She is playing the system against you right now.  You have to be smart and unemotional with her.  Do not let your emotions control you. 

At this point, She has used the system to get you on a DV charge. If that fails, it will be a molestation charge next.  How do I know.  Because my s2bx threaten DV and molestation charges against me when I threaten to end the marriage years ago. 

Protect yourself.  When you are allowed to see your children make sure you are not alone.

My name "Forestaken" is there for a reason.  But I survived and so will you.

[ForeverDad]

Sadly, when facing DV orders, you need to be very, very, very careful not to violate the terms.  As already noted she is using the judicial system to punish you.  And the system won't care they it's being used.

What is the status of the protection orders?

Also, it's common that a DV order doesn't extend to parenting time unless there's solid reason.  The reasoning is that adult behaviors (how she and you get along) don't greatly impact parenting behaviors (how you parent your child).  However, she will of course claim otherwise.

I'd label it 'BPD with hope'.

Sorry, lose the 'with hope'.  You haven't said anything that indicates there is hope.  Yes, it's possible, but don't count on it.  Forget about it and if it ever happens, then be happily surprised, but not before.

My story, my ex and I were religious volunteers for 8 years.  But she kept having more and more health and people complaints so that ended and a few years later we had a child, I though it would make her happier.  No, I was so very wrong.  The marriage imploded within a few years.  Upon separation she started making horrendous child abuse allegations against me.  Those were scary and fearful days.  Fortunately I was never arrested, but she did file twice for protection orders against me and unsuccessfully tries to include our child in them.

I just hope I win (custody).

You're a long way from that.  Right now she's in charge and will be for a while.  Right now you need to focus on getting out from under those restraining orders.  Are they temporary while the cases are being heard or have they already been put in place?  For how long?  Were they judge's decisions or like plea deals?

She's smart like a snake.  You have to improve your strategies and actions, be smart like a mongoose.  Mongooses can encounter snakes and come out the winners.

[asunder]

The restraining order was granted for one year (about 2 months in).  My child was not included in it, BUT the only way for me to get my visitation is a stipulation in the order that my mother must be the point of contact in all visitation.  This part has been a disaster... .  her mother is full blown ncd/BPD and has been harassing my mother in just about every way imaginable.  As you can imagine it's causing a lot of stress between my mother and I.

The DV charge is an absolute joke, I really can't believe they are pursuing it.  My X has contradicted herself 5x over, her allegation makes 0 logical sense, and it wasn't even made until 1.5 months after the fact.  The RO violation is very minor and I am told I will probably receive a small fine for violating it.

As far as hope goes, this behaviour is very out of character for my wife.  As I said, despite being nuts she demonstrated (at least up until recent events) a lot of compassion and kindness, unlike most BPD.  But the issue is that her mother HATES me and will do anything to destroy me.  And my wife is terrified of her mother and unfortunately totally under her control.

I am very nervous to get a child abuse allegation, trust me.  I make sure to always have witnesses with me when I have my daughter.  Despite all of these allegations, I am still pursuing custody through probate court.  I have a long term, realistic strategy based around leveraging her inevitable violations of the court order into contempt of court charges.

Thank you everyone for listening.

[ForeverDad]

Is this family court?  Likely it's some other court.  And this court is allowing parenting time AKA visitation.  However, it probably won't enforce it, that's family court's turf.

There is a solution.  It's going over to family court and carefully filing for divorce.  This should be done with a family law attorney's guidance to help you avoid costly mistakes.  And keep it confidential or your wife will most like try to sabotage you first.  The marriage is dysfunctional and unhealthy and the longer it goes on as it is it will keep enabling your wife and her 'negative supporters' to do whatever the wish.

Mind you, I'm not a fan of divorce, I view it as the action of last resort when all else has failed.  However, in my case that was my only option, we each had protection orders against the other, she was making false allegations against me and she was blocking my parental contact.  It was the only practical solution to an impasse that had blocked my parenting and probably my freedom as well.

If you carefully, quietly (without her or her supporters getting wind of this) and strategically prepare for and file for divorce, then the court will step in and make better terms for child exchange, specific time periods that she shouldn't be able to easily sabotage.  (Doesn't mean she won't try to sabotage you by making more false or unsubstantiated allegations of DV or child abuse, obstructing, delaying, etc.  That's why you can't blab to her that you're considering such options.)

They way things are now, you are at a distinct disadvantage regarding the marriage and parenting.  So the question now is this... .  Do you think the marriage has any expectations of repair and restoration?  No, not dreams or hopes, but realistic expectations?  The answer to that question will tell you which path is before you.  (We've seen this situation many times, we know with about 99% or higher confidence where this will ultimately end, but YOU have to be the one to discern, acknowledge and accept it.)

By the way, get Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger.  Available at these dot coms: Amazon, BPDCentral and HighConflictInstitute.  One important point it makes is to beware of plea deals, most are dependent upon admitting some level of guilt.  It describes why admitting even a little guilt when you are innocent or mostly so is almost always a mistake and likely will have lasting repercussions.

[asunder]

No, sir, no plea bargain... .  no matter what.

As far as realistic expectation of marriage working out- hmmm.

Well let me say that I think she will be back.  BUT I wouldn't even attempt it without some boundaries that would put me in a much better position if and when things go sour again. 

For example, I would absolutely insist that she admit in writing in front of witnesses and notarized, that she accused me falsely.

I would also absolutely insist she have a job.  I would also absolutely put a limit on the amount of contact her mother is to have in our life.

At least that would put me in a much better place moving forward custody wise.  I will say that from a human staNPDoint, marriage working out= impossible.  But I am a believer on Jesus Christ, and I do believe that He can move the mountains.  Will He?  I don't know.

[tog]

People with BPD can be caring and compassionate. They can also be ruthless and vindictive and selfish. You will have to accept that both sides of your wife are part of her and she is capable of this kind of action. If she has done this once, she can do it again and worse.

My SO was shocked at the lengths his uBPD (w/NPD traits) stbxw has gone to cut him out of his son's life. She is not the person he was with and that has been very hard for him to accept. Please don't think this is a momentary lapse of reason, it isn't-it's how someone with a personality disorder behaves when they start seeing you as ALL BAD. In her mind, you are not the man she was with either, you are a bad person who will hurt the children and her if she doesn't take these extreme measures.

A notarized form will mean NOTHING to the court if she spins it all around and says you forced her to do it, blah blah blah. Please be careful in thinking you can go back to how it was. My SO's stbxw would move in with him tomorrow if he wanted it-but she will also cut him completely out of his son's life, destroy him financially and make his life miserable. People wPDs are walking contradictions.

[stuckinbetween]

Ultimately it doesn't even matter if she has BPD because you have to look at her behavior, not her diagnosis.  And she is completely under the thumb of her mother, and that's a given.  At first we all go through hell trying to reconcile the two parts of the person we had loved so much.  They had good qualities, or we wouldn't have loved them, but they later became very dangerous.  This is heartbreaking.  But we have to grieve the loss of that former cherished spouse and understand that the sick part is also very real.  I too, had to file for divorce before I was emotionally "out of love."  That part will take time and you'll need support from those (like us) who understand.  A mistake I made early on was not listening to my L. about protecting assets because my heart couldn't catch up to what my brain was telling me.  There is a time to ignore your heart and listen to your rational self.  Now is one of those times.

Here for you---

Stuckinbetween

[ForeverDad]

I will say that from a human staNPDoint, marriage working out= impossible.  But I am a believer on Jesus Christ, and I do believe that He can move the mountains.  Will He?  I don't know.

Admittedly this can be a sensitive subject, so I tread lightly here.

Faith and prayer can move mountains but in this world not everything we want happens.  Examples are disasters such as Katrina, Sandy, vehicle crashes, criminal acts and countless others large and small around the globe.  We have to face the fact that there isn't overt divine intervention in much of our lives.  However, we do have spiritual principles and trained consciences that we can use as guides in our lives.  So in some way we have to reconcile faith and principles with what we see around us.  Maybe you can view your life decisions as something left up to you as a person of faith to work out?  That you do want to see the marriage succeed but conclude that despite your best efforts it hasn't and no indication it ever will and, even worse, that meanwhile it has become dangerous for you and likely the children too if decisive and positive action isn't taken?  Does that perspective help?

If you delay taking some sort of careful, balanced, positive action, then in effect you are enabling your spouse's poor, even dangerous, behaviors.

There is a time to ignore your heart and listen to your rational self.  Now is one of those times.

It is normal for the mind to determine the proper path and yet take longer for the heart to catch up.  Grieving a loss is a process, not an event.

[asunder]

I hear you, sir.  I am doing everything in my power to protect myself, I can assure you of that.  And truthfully when it comes to the faith thing, I'd imagine (though I don't want to speak for God) that my wife would have to want to be healed (and put in the effort) if it were going to happen.  Plus, let's me honest- that would be incredibly difficult in and of itself.  A long and painful process.  If it weren't for my daughter, I wouldn't even consider trying to work this out.

It's my daughter suffering and our relationship being harmed that is the toughest thing.