In Crisis

[Tigerabbit]

I am a new member, just joined last night. Here is the link to my introduction, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=194320.0. I am in current crisis which is why my first post here is not including that full text, and I just included it for those who are interested. My so-called significant other, though we are so off and on I never know what to really call him, is convinced I'm lying about things that I'm not. I have been caught lying with him multiple times, thought it's always been to spare his feelings it has greatly damaged our relationship. I just fully admitted to myself in the last week that I have a problem with lying and have resolved to do everything I can to overcome it and not lie anymore.

That said, what precipitated my realizing this is that he recently unearthed some more things I've lied about (many of the things I've lied about are questions he's asked me which I still don't think were his business to ask, but I still feel wrongly to have lied about them, and perhaps I'm wrong to even think they were not his business). He is really losing it, being very abusive. I told him last night that we need space and time to cool off before we talk about anything, and when he began barraging me with text messages I reiterated that we need space, that I would answer his questions later, and turned my phone off. He walked into my house today, completely disrespecting my boundary, and proceeded to demolish my phone and grab me very forcefully around the neck leaving a red mark, and took off with my eye glasses. I called his mother (he is not a high functioning type, still lives at home) desperate and not knowing what to do. I thought she could help because she and his father have been going to NAMI meetings, which I planned on starting to attend myself, but I'm not sure now and I will explain why. His mom talked him into bringing my glasses back, told him to leave them on my porch, but he instead entered my house again, though thankfully I had my bedroom door locked. He left them by my door, asked for something of his back which I put under the door, and he left. He is sending me messages on Facebook as I type this, from what I can tell of a threatening nature, but I'm afraid to even open them and let him see the check mark that says I've seen them. I don't know how to get through to him that I'm not lying this time (I'm really not). I told him I would take a lie detector test, which he told me to stop saying. I know it's mostly my fault that he won't believe me now, and I'm still determined to fix my issue, but I just don't know what to do about him. I'm afraid, and I don't want to be. I just want us to be ok. I want him to know I love him and care about him and am very serious about not lying anymore, and I also don't want him to keep abusing me (obviously). I feel like I've sort of dug my own grave with this one, and that I don't really have a way out. Dishonesty is bad enough for people who don't have PD's. I feel awful for what I've done to him, even though I did it out of wanting to not hurt him.

It might be important to note that even when I'm telling the truth, he says that "nothing adds up, I know you're lying, I'm very smart and I can put all these pieces together and I KNOW." I feel completely helpless and hopeless in the matter, and SCARED. He told me before he left that if I don't come clean, we are done, and if after that I don't come clean within a month, he is going to torture me. I don't even fully understand why I still tolerate this. I'm afraid for my safety, but I'm equally as afraid of losing him forever. Is it possible for me to earn his trust back after all of this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tigerabbit]

I feel I am in a very precarious position with this and could really use some advice re: how to approach the situation. Is this a good time to be firm with my boundaries, or does it seem too dangerous to start that now? Should I look at the messages he sent me?   I'm afraid if I do that it will set him off if I don't respond. I've also seen validation mentioned a lot on here, thought I haven't yet gotten that far with the lessons, but I also saw that it might not be good to implement it early in the healing process. Please... .  I am desperate for any little bit of input anyone might be able to give. I wouldn't normally act this desperately but I'm fearing for my safety and for his well being intensely. I'm also a college student, trying to transfer this coming fall and my first exam for all four of my current classes are on the same day, tomorrow. I'm so overwhelmed by this I can barely focus.

Thank you so much in advance, and I'm sorry if I seem insistent. I'm just really desperate... .    :'(

[Somewhere]

Dial 911.

[Tigerabbit]

I'm not ready to do that at this point, and I couldn't even if I was since my phone is broken. =( I appreciate your concern and advice, though. Any other suggestions? I read the messages he sent to me, in which he is accusing me of another lie which isn't true that he came to in his head by once again misinterpreting my words and twisting them to mean what he's afraid of, and told me I have two days to draft a letter full of the truth, and also to never talk to his mom about our problems again (I guess she told him everything I told her) or even at all without his permission or help me, God. I'm also so afraid that I'm going to be judged by anyone on here for being open about the wrong things I've done in the relationship... .    :'(

[Blazing Star]

Oh Tigerabbit, what a tough situation!

       

I relate in a way bc my pwBPD also accused me of lying, and I did lie about things to save his reaction to the truth (he was very jealous by nature and would ask all sorts of inappropriate things (i realise now) about exs, I would get flustered and answer, with white lies or with what I thought would give the best reaction. I realise now I didn't need to answer at all!).

However I am very concerned that he was so violent towards you. This is not cool.

You don't need the stress right now with your exams. Have you taken a photo of the mark on your neck? Have you talked to professors about your situation and would it be possible to re-sit the exams another time?

I think in the short term you need to be concerned with the exams, and with not seeing him, and feeling safe. Do you have a friend you can confide in?

In the long term, I think some work around boundaries and what you will and won't tolerate is important, and then using Validation to deal with his lying accusations.

But lets focus on the short term for now. Who can you call to support you right now?

Love Blazing Star

[Tigerabbit]

Thank you, Blazing Star.   

I am focusing on my exams for now, the best I can. I'm actually very happy that he said he would give me two days, which I fully intend on taking, because at the very least that will hopefully give both of us time to get a bit of an emotional recharge. It is also allowing me to focus more on my exams now than I would if he were not giving me that space.

I was able to get one deferred until next Monday. Another professor would not allow, and I'm now messaging a third and hoping it's not too late of notice for him and that he is understanding. I feel relatively safe for the moment, thankfully, though still highly stressed. I unfortunately don't have someone I feel I can talk to in detail about any of this other than my therapist. My mom knows about my phone, but I am so afraid of the people I love, who already feel varying levels of disdain for him (my mom loves him dearly but wishes I would not be with him), completely hating him. I do have an appointment with my therapist this Friday, but I recently lost my job so as of now this will be my last appointment for awhile unless I can make other arrangements with her.

Do you have any advice to offer for those long term suggestions you made, any examples of how I might phrase my responses or anything? Or should I just go read those specific sections in the lessons? It's so difficult since he knows I actually have lied about things, it has given tangibility to his fears and I completely understand why he is so convinced I'm lying. Thank you again for your response. It helps to know someone has been in a similar position as me and even understands the lying. 

[Blazing Star]

That is Great that you managed to get a couple deferred!

There are many resources here that will help you. A couple of workshops that may be good:

How to stop circular arguments

Jealousy: How to deal with a jealous partner

How are you feeling today?

Love Blazing Star

[AbayaLady]

I hate to hear that you're going through this and I feel your pain! I also wish I didn't have to be so blunt but in my experience, I have learned that HE WILL NOT BELIEVE YOU no matter what you write. Writing this "confession" is just feeding his belief that he knows you're lying and that he can somehow get you to admit it all.

My uBPDh does the same thing and no matter how many times I have told the truth about not ever being unfaithful, he says "It doesn't add up, I'm not stupid, I know something happened, etc etc."

Believe it or not, answering him will make it worse. And the fact that you've felt you had to lie before says that you don't feel he's emotionally stable/mature enough to handle the truth. I've done it too! It never works because they are so perceptive and can tell immediately when someone is lying. However, once they believe something has happened, they can NEVER tell when you're not. 

I wish I had an answer. I don't know what to do with my pwBPD either. Ignoring/detaching has been the only thing that ever calms him down. And then he comes crawling back to start it all over again.

Sending you love and asking for us all to be guided to the best solution here!

[Tigerabbit]

Blazing Star - Thank you! I was very relieved. I actually ended up taking three of the four exams, and will take the last one next week. I felt very confident in all of them, and am glad to have the bulk of them out of the way. I'm feeling relatively ok today, still really stressed/anxious. I tried to take a nap because I feel completely drained but was unable to fall asleep, which is unlike me (if sleeping was an olympic sport I'd a lovely collection of gold medals), so I just got back up. Though I could feel much worse I suppose, I just feel no drive to do anything that normally sounds enjoyable right now. Perhaps I'm experiencing a little depressive spell. My moods always seem to very closely reflect how he and I are doing, which I've never felt was completely healthy yet I haven't been able to get control of so far.

Also thank you for the suggested workshops, I'll check those out after I type this up! As for the other lessons, is it recommended to read them in order, or is it just as good to jump around starting with the ones that sound most applicable to my situation?

AbayaLady - Thank you so much for your sympathies. I understand what you're saying. What I'll be writing to him won't be a confession, which is what he is expecting, but a reiteration of the actual truth and clarifying the things that "don't add up" for him (which I feel owe to him since I have actually lied to him). I'm nervous because he told me outright that he knows what he wants to read in this letter and that he will bring my life crashing down around me if that's not what he gets, but his scare tactics may just be to ensure that he is actually getting the truth out of me, though I really can't be sure. Which is why I know my best and only bet is to just be honest. No more games. I am also completely willing to take a lie detector test if it will help him to trust me again and make our relationship smoother. He also told me today that we will probably never be lovers again, and that it is our mere friendship that depends on this.

And you are so right. For every time he has caught me in a lie, there are ten times that he's accused me and been absolutely convinced I was lying when I wasn't... .  so frustrating! (But again, I mostly blame myself for this because he explicitly told me early in the relationship how important it was to him that I not lie, and I did anyway. Shame on me, multiple times. Lesson finally learned. Sigh.)

The only time ignoring/detaching from him seems to calm him down is when HE asks for it. I think maybe that is in part because we haven't really set pre-ordained boundaries stating I will do that when the need arises, so he is unprepared and then feels abandoned and like I don't care about the emotional crisis he is going through. He often brings up how I can just go home and sleep when we're in a fight, but he's stuck up awake ruminating, dwelling, and trying to decipher everything (he also takes my being able to sleep as a sign that I'm not in emotional distress and don't care). It's like he thinks that because he has this problem, I should want to suffer it just as he does. I've tried explaining to him that if we are both in emotional distress, it's best for both of us to wait to talk about it until at least one of us has calmed down and recharged. It just doesn't seem to counter his need for his misery to have company.

Crossing my fingers that he will see I'm telling the truth and we can be through the worst of this and start truly healing and growing. This is an imperative for us... .  

Love to you both and thanks again! I welcome as much advice as I can get on this