All I know if I still want to make things work with her, and at some level, I know she wants the same.
This is good to know.
What were the reasons for the breakup? How much was discussed together and what were HER thoughts on it? Was she fully on board with the idea of 'taking a break'? - and did you discuss the ground rules of this break, how the time duration would be determined, and how you would know when the time was right to get back together full time?
It sounds like you made a decision and announced it to her (she didnt really have much say in it other than - oh, ok - since she doesnt control what you do this is about all she may know to respond with).
What were you hoping to achieve with the time apart? In particular for yourself? (since what she does with the time apart is her own choice). If you were looking for certain things from her, have you thought through what you will do if you dont get those things from her?
Im not trying to blast you - just throwing a bunch of questions out for consideration. Thinking through some of these questions (and others people might have here) will give some direction on best course of action for next steps.
I personally have found that communication is always good. Even if its something bad - at least then its out and on the table to be dealt with (each in their own way). So sure, initiate the first move and talk to her about what you are thinking/feeling. And then listen carefully to what she might be thinking/feeling. (really really listen... . its pretty difficult sometimes to understand what a BPD is really feeling)
But you have to know what you want, and then take the LEAD in the relationship to chart that direction and provide her the stability to make it go there.
The reasons for the breakup were sort of related to her latest suicide attempt. Before her attempt, I had traveled with her and her family back to her hometown for christmas. While we had an amazing time, we laughed, we played games, had amazing sex, she had a smile on her face the entire time. What she later revealed however was that even hugging me now felt like I was suffocating her. That she had become too dependent on me.
Indeed, I did make the decision and announce it to her, something I regret doing. I could tell she was hurt by it. I tried talking to her about it and she just told me she needed time. That she was "confused by her feelings". After a few days we talked about it a little. She told me she was going to swear off dating and relationships for a long time, until she can learn to love herself. And whatever happens, will happen.
What I was hoping to achieve... . Ive been thinking about this a lot. I guess a sense of independence again. I know we became to depended on each other, to the point I stated above. We were together simply too much. We would talk to each other practically every waking moment. I wasn't looking for anything in particular from her. It really just came down to learning to spend time apart from each other, and learning to do things on our own again.
I know communication is always good... . But with her, Ive come to watch the more you prode at her to do something, or talk about something, the more distant she becomes and the mor she doesnt want to do something. I already made the first move of asking about her feelings and what she was thinking. She tells me she needs to learn to be happy with herself first, and learn what it means to love herself.
Part of me wants to keep talking to her. I want to show her and remind her about the good times we had. I know the honeymoon phase is over, but we still have good times. But on the other hand, another part of me wants to sit back and ignore her, and wait/hope that not talking will make her come back, after I read this:
www.ehealthforum.com/health/successful-bipolar-BPD-relationship-advice-t337529.html Im still debating with myself whether or not this is good advice for our current situation.
Another thing that gets at me is, when she broke up with her ex (She made the move), her ex warned me about her. Now, her ex was pretty crazy and emotionally abusive, and made matters much worse for her in the long run, so at the time, I shrugged it off as just a jealous ex talking. Before they had broken up, we had simply been friends. But, we had such a strong connection to each other, our friendship turned to love. And now, as soon as we broke up, Ive watched how she tried looking for new friends to emotionally latch onto. Even though she says they are just friends, and will not date anyone for a long time (Months to a year).
